Pairing: Eren/Mikasa

Setting: During the two month time skip

Rating: K+

Words: 1882

Notes: Anon requested Eren to go through some self-loathing and to have Mikasa comfort him through it in current chapters. I decided to do it in the very recent chapters cause we have so much great stuff to work with again! :D The title is from "I Got You" by Leona Lewis.

For Better or Worse I Got You

Things were better. For the first time in the longest time Eren felt like things were actually going the right way for himself and for the Scouting Legion. They were finally in preparations to go back to Shiganshina, they had new recruits, he could actually harden his titan body now, Historia was crowned queen and the people respected her. Everything was better, things were good. Eren knew he should feel happier than he di.

It was the nightmares like always. It seemed he couldn't even close his eyes anymore without seeing death, fear, and loss inside his head. A lot of times it was of his mom, her last moments still haunting him nearly ten years later. More recently he saw his dad too. Eren knew his father had a reason to do everything he did, and it was to help Eren be able to protect the people he loved. It was that one memory of the way his father died that wouldn't stop coming to him. It was at Eren's hand. Regardless of what his dad wanted, Eren killed him. He killed his father. How could anyone say he wasn't a monster?

Everyone told him it wasn't his fault and yeah, maybe it wasn't but it didn't make him feel any better about it. He tried to focus on doing what Historia wanted, traveling and rescuing the people who lived underground, bringing them somewhere safe. Eren agreed with it too of course; he went through it himself with Mikasa and Armin. He loved seeing the happy faces of all the kids who didn't have to be so afraid. Even all the good wouldn't take away the nightmares of the past, the fear of the future.

His eyes stared up at the ceiling of his room. He actually got his own room for once in the new base they were given to operate out of. The new recruits had to stay in some barracks but technically Eren was part of Levi's special ops team and got a few perks with that. Eren didn't know if it would be any better staying in a room with Armin, Connie, and Jean like he was used to. No matter what Eren did, the images in his head wouldn't go away. The searing guilt in the pit of his stomach wouldn't leave.

Did he even want to know what was in the basement anymore? What if it only led to more horrible things that he had done and couldn't remember? What if he only led more people he loved to their deaths? Eren shook his head and tried not to dwell on it. It wasn't his fault they told him, even Mikasa. She was the first to tell him when she found out what happened to his dad. Eren wondered if maybe that's just how she was, her first reaction always was to make sure he was okay before she worried about herself.

Eren was pretty sure he didn't deserve that. Not when it was his fault she lost two people who loved her like she was their own daughter. All the nightmares that must've caused her on top of the ones she already had. It had been a long time since she ever came to him in the middle of the night, broken and terrified. He wondered if maybe she stopped having nightmares. Eren doubt it; horrors like that didn't just go away. That he knew for a fact. It was more than likely she chose to suffer in silence, never wanting anyone to worry about her.

Maybe she was still awake. Eren didn't think he deserved to have her presence as a comfort. She was though, she always was. Sometimes he really wanted to go back and punch his younger self in the face for the way he treated her. He hurt her, that scar on her cheek always reminding him of the monster he was capable of being. He tried to make up for it these days by looking after her just like she always looked after him but he didn't know if there was anything he could do to make up for what he had done.

He sat up in his bed and kicked his feet over the side, pushing himself up to his feet. It wouldn't be so bad to check on her at least. Not like he could sleep anyway. He opened his door as quietly as he could and headed down the hallway that was pretty much just his squad. He knew which door was hers before he came to stand in front of it. A part of him wanted to knock, to let her know he was there but he also didn't want to wake her up if she was asleep. Eren hesitated for a moment before turning the handle on her door and slipping in. He closed it behind him and looked over to her bed. She was curled up on it, her back to him but he saw her sides rising and falling rhythmically through the moonlight shining in the window.

As quietly as he could, he walked over to sit on the edge of her bed. She still didn't move even as he looked over to where her face was. Her eyes were closed and she didn't look distressed or anything, just normal. Her scarf was still around her neck though. Not that it was too unusual, she slept like that sometimes. Eren tried to tell her not to in the past, that she might choke herself but sometimes Mikasa was just gonna do what she wanted to regardless. He rolled his eyes. Well, she was okay so he might as well just leave is what he told himself but he couldn't actually bring himself to do it.

Mikasa was always soothing, always comforting. She knew exactly how to calm him down, how to make him relax. Even just sitting here next to her he was already feeling himself unwind from the images that haunted his dreams previously in the night. He always felt safe with her. Eren hoped she still felt the same about him, like she did when they were kids. He reached his hand out to flip at the end of her scarf that was laying on the bed.

Funny how circumstances turn out. He chose the wrong day to fight with his mom, but he chose the right day to let his father drag him along to go see a patient. If Eren hadn't been there that day Mikasa wouldn't be the Mikasa he knew today, he didn't even know if she'd be alive or not. He wouldn't have her by his side, he wouldn't have one of his best friends. That innocent gesture of giving her his scarf came to be such a tie between them that she sometimes didn't even take it off in her sleep, like she always wanted to be close to him.

Yeah, he never wanted her to join this life, he wanted her to be safe somewhere not risking her life for him but she was still here. She was still with him. He wouldn't know what he'd do if he didn't have her by his side for all these years. Maybe he didn't do everything wrong.

"Eren?" Her sleepy voice made him jump. She was picking her head off her pillow, looking up at him with a mixture of still trying wake up and confusion. "What's going on?"

Fear was all of their first reactions he supposed. "Nothing. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

She shook her head and reached up to rub her eyes before she looked at him again. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No, not really," Eren shrugged. He flipped the end of the scarf he had been holding towards her. "How many times have I told you not to sleep in that."

Mikasa looked taken back for a moment. She ran her hand down the fabric around her neck. "I forgot I was wearing it."

Eren knew she was lying but he didn't press it. Her tell was in her eyes, he knew it every time she tried.

They were quiet for a moment, neither saying anything. Eren was staring down at the bed while Mikasa fiddled with her scarf. It seemed like it was ages ago since it was the last time they saw each other like this. What was he supposed to say?

"Was it nightmares?" her voice was soft, gentle; it was a tone only Eren heard from her.

He didn't look up but he nodded.

"Of the past?"

"And the future," he said. He glanced up to meet her eyes. "What're we doing, Mikasa? What if we find out everything we need to know and what if it's worse than we expect? What if everything we've done, all the people who were killed were killed in vain?" He swallowed a lump in his throat. "My mom, my dad, they died protecting us. What if we can't do the same? What if it wasn't worth their deaths?"

Mikasa watched him for a moment before kicking back some of her blankets. She gestured for him to come closer.

He almost didn't, he didn't deserve to be that close to her after what he had done. He did though; he slid up her bed till he was laying down on his side next to her. He took in a shaky breath when she moved to lay down next to him. She pulled his head down a little so it was closer to hers and reached her hand up to run through his hair.

"Your mother knew if we stayed a moment longer trying to save her we'd all die. She told us to leave so we'd have a life to live," Mikasa said, her voice soft. "Your father did what he did so that you'd be able to right the wrongs he might've gotten caught up in. He did it so you'd be strong enough to protect us which is what you've always done. They'd be proud of you, Eren." She paused. "I'm proud of you."

He reached his hand up to her back, pulling her warm body into him. His eyes closed to stop the sting of tears he felt.

Mikasa kept running her hand through his hair, soothing him more than she probably knew. "They will never have died in vain because we're still here and we're still fighting to make this the world they'd be proud to see."

He felt her lips press into his hair.

"You're not a monster." She held him close when he cried, whispering soothing words and giving gentle touches.

He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve this but as he held onto her until the tears and choked cries stopped, Eren didn't want it to be anyone else. She didn't look at him like he looked at himself; she only ever saw the good in him.

Maybe he needed to look at the good too.

It only took a moment of Eren being surrounded by her scent, her presence to know that was Mikasa. She was the good, she was the best thing he had. Someday he'd be able to show her that too, make her believe it. He had to.