Ch. 5

Songs: September Song - Agnes Obel, Arsonist's Lullaby - Hozier

RPOV

After the wave of memories washed over us, Adrian and I were dumbstruck. How could I have let myself forget all those vital moments: the bond finally opening up to Lissa, our shared conversations through it, her dying requests, and then there was...whatever that was outside the wards. I had been too busy selfishly wallowing in my melancholia that I didn't recognize the significance of it all. The thought of it almost sounded like lyrics to an 80's punk rock song that a certain Russian would probably appreciate.

At first, I thought that excruciating feeling was the bond breaking. I felt like I was being ripped in half and could only assume it was Lissa's side of the bond leaving me for good. Adrian, however, seemed to think it was something else. Though what, I'm not sure.

His eyes were unnaturally wide, and his hands were shaking from either a combination of adrenaline and lingering side effects from the memories or the lack of "self-medication" he had been depriving himself of. Even though the splitting of the bond was the most logical explanation for what had happened, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

Eventually, I sent Adrian back to his room so I could collect my thoughts. I wasn't normally the one on the side of logic, but what else could it be? Something to do with being shadow kissed maybe? After stewing it over for the better part of an hour, I decided it was time to stop procrastinating and set out to do what I should have done days ago.

I knew I owed him a visit, not for him but for Lissa. A vision of her disapproving look for the amount of time I had taken to visit him popped into my head. The recollection of her scrunched face made me feel equally amused and saddened by it.

I walked over to my dresser, grabbed the first practical outfit I saw, and threw it on to seek out Christian Ozera. I decided going out my window was the best option to avoid my unwanted babysitter still hovering outside my door.

I had only left my room once since the attack and it was for a private ceremony to receive my Zvezda tattoo. Unlike the other molnija marks, this was given when the bearer has been in a battle and killed too many Strigoi to count. Rather than the traditional lightning bolt X design, this tattoo resembled a star. The only people who had been allowed at the ceremony were my mother, Alberta, and the Guardian administering the tattoo. Immediately after the ceremony I returned to my solitude and hadn't left.

I knew exactly where to find him, though. Adrian had told me Christian had been holed up in the church attic for days on end. It made sense. It was the only place he could really be alone before he met Lissa, and after the fact, they had shared an unhealthy amount of time up there together. Some moments I was unfortunately way too involved in for my taste. Back then I resented the bond and having to bear witness to how happy my best friend was in her uncomplicated relationship, but now I would give anything to have it back.

On the walk across campus, I could see red and orange streaks illuminate the dark horizon as the sun started to appear. It was moving so slowly, as if it were afraid to rise out of the darkness. Its hesitation mirrored my own. But I noticed the braver it became, the more shadows fled from its touch. The sun's mellow hues ignited little details here and there, creating an atmosphere resembling soft, glowing flames.

Spring had finally arrived, and the weather had comfortably warmed. Classes still hadn't started back up, but the normal curfews were still in effect, so the grounds were deserted. As I walked alone I noticed how peaceful the campus could be; it was hard to believe so much chaos had wrecked our lives less than a week ago. I paused in front of the church to let a few beams of sunlight soak my skin, hoping those seconds of comforting warmth would stay with me inside and keep the shadows away.

When I walked in, the early amber rays dripped through the patterned windows like sweet honey. The illumination enhanced the church's enigmatic beauty, casting a mesmerizing scene. I always thought the church looked more beautiful during the day, but rarely had the chance to see it. I was never very religious and this place hadn't elicited a spiritual connection for me in the past, but a flutter of emotions suddenly trickled through me as I stood in the grandiose room. Walking past the back pews, memories of whispered conversations echoed through my ears.

"I don't want to be crazy."

"You aren't crazy."

"I'm afraid I won't be able to stop it..."

"It's not going to happen...you're one of the strongest people I know—you two won't share the same fate. If you are in danger from Lissa's magic, then at least you understand why. She can stop using her magic, and that'll be the end of it."

"But can I ask her to do that? I've felt how it makes her feel. I don't know if I can take that away from her. Besides, they come first, right?"

"Not always," . . . . "Sometimes, Rose, you have to know when to put yourself first."

I pushed the foregoing shadow-kissed conversations with the man I had loved back into the depths they had crept from. It appeared the ghosts of my transgressions would haunt me even in this celestial place.

I continued walking down the aisle but wavered momentarily at the front. I ran my hand along the smooth wood of one of the stalls Lissa had often occupied, picturing her golden hair falling over the back of it. I closed my eyes, holding onto that memory; I wouldn't make the mistake of forgetting her again.

I let my hand slide off the wooden bench and headed towards the attic stairs. Each slow step up made an intruding creak and I was sure Christian would be at the entrance waiting for me. However, when I entered the dimly lit room he was standing at a large mahogany table covered in a pile of books, completely undisturbed. I stood frozen for a minute. The sight of him brought back so many recent memories; the battle, our combined strength against the Strigoi, and most of all, Lissa. All the times I had seen him through her eyes, had felt her sweet love for him. And now, all that love was gone. When he finally looked up, I could see in his icy blue eyes that he was feeling the exact same thing.

"Rose."

His voice was so quiet I could barely recognize my own name. "Hey, Chris." I awkwardly scratched the scarring skin on the back of my neck, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable and possibly for the first time in my life, at a loss for words.

He stared at me for another moment, only increasing my uneasiness, then realizing what a creeper he must have looked like he shook himself off. "I uh...I'm glad you came," he said as he closed one of the books he had been pouring through.

"Yeah, well I figured it was about time I paid the Phantom a visit," my attempt at a lame joke did little to ease our discomfort. I moved closer to the table and picked up one of the discarded books: Ancient Moroi History: Legends of Saints & Scholars. "I see you've been doing some light reading."

Christian looked pointedly at the table of strewn books. "In our spare time, Lissa and I had been doing some research on the bond and shadow kissed. Adrian told her about the darkness in your auras and she was determined to find the reasoning behind it. She hoped we could figure out a way to mitigate it or at least control it," he had this faraway look, like he was captured by some memory. "At first, I thought she was becoming obsessive over it, but after hearing how it affected the two of you with those Mână punks, I understood how important it was. I feel like I owe it to her to keep going," his saddened expression shot daggers through my chest. My fault.

He looked up at me and could see the pity and self-loathing written all over me. "You know, so you don't get any crazier than you already are." My attempt at a half-smile failed for the second time in the last 24 hours.

"I've been doing a little research myself with Adrian. That's actually what I came here to talk about." I motioned over to a couple of chairs and waited for him to take a seat across from me before continuing.

"After...that day," my mind struggled to find the right words and I took a calming inhale through my nose to collect myself. "I pushed all of those memories to the back of my mind. They were too hard to deal with at the time. But eventually, I came to my senses and asked Adrian to help me retrieve them."

I told him everything. From leaving the courtyard and Dimitri planning a rescue strategy, to the bond opening and Lissa hearing me in her head. I told him about her apologies and declarations of love as the blonde Strigoi drained her. He sat still as I spoke, but when I started to explain what happened outside the wards he sat up in his chair a little straighter, focusing on every significant detail, and I made sure not to leave a single component out. When I finally finished we sat in silence for a good while. Relaying all those painful details left me feeling like I had been punched in the gut. I nervously rubbed my arm as I tried to steady my breath.

"As much as I hate to admit it, I think Adrian might be right," his admission baffled me and pulled my attention back to him.

"Seriously? I never thought I'd see the day where Christian Ozera agreed with—"

"I know, I know. But hear me out," he interjected. "I've only found a few instances in these books where bonded pairs have lost their bondmate; like Anna and Vladimir. There are mentions of it taking an emotional toll on her, mentally affecting her, but it never mentioned a physical experience like what you just described." He hopped up from his chair and strode back over to the table. I watched as he shuffled through a couple of the books, finally deciding on one with a worn leather bind and pages aged with a yellowish tint. I walked up behind him as he turned page after page, and noticed another book to his left with a red sticky note peeking out. I opened the book and saw a section marked with circles and question marks. "What's this," I asked.

"Hmm? Oh, that." He looked over to see the passage in question. "I thought it was interesting."

I read the circled portion aloud: "His skills were unmatched in transforming the undead and he was revered for his salvation of the lost souls." I could only assume this was another passage about St. Vladimir. "Why did this particular part interest you? It just sounds like all the stuff we read about using spirit to heal, like Lissa did with me."

"That's what I thought at first too, but all those other references were worded differently. Here it clearly states, 'transforming the undead'. It could be nothing, but I was hoping to find another mention of it in more detail somewhere else."

I replayed that phrase in my head a few times: transforming the undead. "You think it is referring to shadow kissed?"

"I'm not sure, but after you mentioned seeing Mason I thought it could be worth looking into."

Mason. "That's it! Why didn't I think of this sooner?"

"Think of what," Christian asked, confused by my outburst.

"Mason. Maybe he's still out there. Maybe I can ask him about Lissa. He could know what happened outside the wards." Christian looked at me slightly unconvinced. Who could blame him? I was suggesting seeking out a ghost for advice on Spirit magic and shadow kissed bonds. "I have to go. I'll let you know what I find out." Christian nodded as I headed towards the door.

Before I took a step down the stairs, I turned back to thank him or offer some kind of friendly condolences, but he was already in the same position I had found him in, pouring through the pages of old tattered books.

A/N: Happy NYE! I know I mentioned posting once a week, but since this chapter is another shorter one I decided to give you a little New Year's treat. Thanks a million to everyone out there reading and I hope you enjoyed finally getting a little bit of Christian in your lives. Next chapter will have some long-awaited action so stay tuned!

I wish all of you a Happy New Year's and hope everyone receives a midnight kiss from their Dimitri Belikov...whoever that may be ;)