OOO

I'm tooling around on the net when I get an email "Jessica tagged you in a post on Facebook". I ignore this, because it will inevitably be something lame and continue with my net surfing but I can't ignore the ten Facebook notifications which follow in quick succession. I open one of them, from Emmett, to find that it just reads "Eddie scores!" What the hell is he talking about? I open another one to find that it's a pm, again from Emmett. "Eddie boy, you seriously need to get laid and the girl is begging for it. Do not turn her down. She wants you bad!"

This is a surprisingly almost grammatically correct note from Emmett, (not known for his high English scores) but otherwise it makes no sense to me at all. Exasperated, I log into Facebook and find the class page.

There, under an advertisement for singing lessons, is a post from Jessica with my tag. And…

My jaw drops, my face flushes and I feel as if a bucket of cold water has been thrown over me. Disbelievingly, I read for the third time:

Edward, U don't know what U R missing. Meet me in the second floor janitor's closet at 1 and I'll change your mind about dating high school girls…

What the fucking hell is she on? When did I ever give her the slightest hint that I would enjoy making out with her amongst the cleaning products? I know Jessica is a bit mad but this is completely deranged.

More email notifications arrive, including one from Jasper, which merely says "We need to discuss". Oh God, no.

Jasper has 'discussed' my lack of dating with me before. After he discovered true love with my sister at the incredibly young age of seventeen, he has been on a mission to hook up everyone around him. He had no trouble with Emmett who fell hopelessly for Rose Hale when she punched out someone on another football team after he landed a punch on Em (which the boy still claims was a) below the belt b) distraction and c) sheer luck). But I am still stubbornly holding out against his lectures on domestic bliss and how Getting Your Love Life Sorted Solves Every Other Problem.

I definitely like girls, I'm totally into breasts and I definitely want to have sex but just…not…yet. Not here, in this small town, with all these people I've known for years and can't get away from, at least not until I go to college. An East Coast college, that's the plan, an Ivy League school, miles away from my adorable but painfully interested in my social life adopted mother Esme, miles away from my physician "let me tell you again about safe sex" adopted Dad Carlisle and possibly also away from my delightful but almost psychic non-identical twin sister (not adopted) Alice. If I brought a girl home and booted her at our place (God forbid), Alice would come rushing into the room halfway through gushing "Oh wow, we're going to be great friends" or something like that, Esme would be standing just outside the door with tears in her eyes saying "My boy's growing up, oh Edward, I just knew you had it in you!" (cue porn joke from the girl in this daydream who up to this point has been has been a bit of a blur "Actually Esme, it's in me") and Carlisle would be rushing home from work with three different kinds of condom, spermicidal foam and some lemon juice. (I swear, if he tells me about the fascinating research that shows that simple lemon juice can decrease the transmission of HIV one more time, I will shove a lemon up his nose. I am not covering my dick with lemonade for anyone.) Don't get me wrong, I love Esme and Carlisle to death and I'm eternally grateful for the way they took Alice and I into their house when our own parents died and I would do almost anything for them but that whole scenario is my worst nightmare.

Yes, I do get some teasing from the guys on the baseball team and that did lead me to a very near miss with a girl from another school while at intervarsity baseball last year. She was a cheerleader and she was from another state. I told her straight out that I wasn't into long distance relationships. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear what was happening but the next day she told me a) she thought I might have changed my mind b) Wisconsin isn't really long distance (obviously geography wasn't her best subject) and c) she hadn't had time to show me her oral skills but if I spoke to the pitcher on her school's team, he would give her a glowing reference.

Yechhh. As politely as I could, I got out of it. Alright, I told her that I was recovering from cancer and that I couldn't commit to a relationship because I had to go back to chemotherapy and I might not make it. Cringeworthy in the extreme and after we got back from that trip I vowed yet again, that I was not going to let hormones or shit stirring lead me into one of those situations again. I'm going to focus on my studies this year. Next year, I'll be open to all offers but not right now, not in Forks and not from Jessica.

Really, I'm being kind to her. It wouldn't last, it couldn't last and she'd just be miserable and that would make me miserable and I'd have to put up with her being miserable and everyone thinking that I made her miserable and fuck it, I just don't need it.

Alice mutters about Prom every so often, but I can just ignore it. I don't need Prom, I don't need a date and I certainly don't need a girlfriend.

Another message from Jasper "You are not going to ignore this. We are talking about it tomorrow morning. Do not blow me off".

I turn off the computer and go to bed. Tomorrow will be hell.