Keldeo the Critic Real Thoughts On:

The Legendary Beasts

Keldeo stood next to Matthais in a Pokemon Center suite and said with a smile, "Hey everyone! It's Keldeo and Matthais wishing you a Happy New Year!"

"That's right! A Happy New Year to everyone out there!" Matthais said cheerfully as he sat on the bed.

"Okay, so, Matthais and I have come together here today to try something new for 2016.," Keldeo said, "It's a little discussion/editorial where we talk about our true thoughts on a topic brought up in my Keldeo the Critic reviews. We hope you like it, and we hope you share your honest thoughts about so we can know whether or not to make it a regular feature."

"This is a big risk, so we hope we'll get rewarded for it," Matthais said.

"Sure thing, Matthais. Okay, so lately, I've been heavily criticizing the Legendary Beasts: Entei, Suicune, and Raikou."

"I hate those three so much," Matthais muttered.

"Whoa! Pace yourself, Matthais!" Keldeo said in surprise.

"Sorry, but I just can't stand them!" Matthais said as he shook his head and laughed.

"Well, if you were wondering if all that disgust directed at them was real: here's your answer!" Keldeo said with a smile.

Matthais took a deep breath and furrowed his brow. "I've been waiting a long time to fully vent about those three," he said.

"How about we start with their origin story?" Keldeo offered.

"Actually, how about we start by talking about that new Cartoon Network show, Supernoobs," Matthais said confidently.

"What? What the hay are you talking about?" Keldeo asked.

"Okay, bear with me," Matthais said, "So, Supernoobs is a cartoon, which looks identical to Johnny Test, about these kids who are given superpowers by these two aliens. But they can't properly use their powers, hence the name Supernoobs. So in every episode they end up making things worse and causing trouble and getting in zany situations, but things somehow turn out alright in the end by the power of plot convenience. And, I kid you not, that is the story of the lives of the Legendary Beasts in a nutshell. Those three are the Pokemon equivalent of the Supernoobs."

Keldeo chuckled as he turned away in mock disbelief, "Man, that's kinda harsh!"

"I don't know, maybe it is," Matthais relented.

Keldeo explained, "Well, okay, the actual story is that three Pokemon were killed in Brass Tower when it burned down, but then Ho-Oh came and resurrected them, turning them into the Legendary Beasts. No seems to know what Pokemon they were originally, most people think they were Flareon, Jolteon, and Glaceon, but that doesn't really matter."

"Actually, I think the Supernoobs are better than the Legendary Beasts," Matthais said in all seriousness.

"Oh, wow!" Keldeo responded.

"Okay, okay, let's analyze all of the Beasts appearances and what they did, starting with Entei!" Matthais said.

Keldeo nodded, "Okay, so that would be EP259- Entei at Your Own Risk, where a guy named Nelson tries to capture Entei."

"Alright, I'm gonna say it. Entei's a coward! There, I said it," Matthais said, "And you know why he's a coward? Nelson has his Misdreavus use Mean Look to keep Entei in the battle, and does Entei fight Misdreavus honorably? No, the coward uses Roar to send Misdreavus back into the ball, and then runs away like a coward."

"Hay, yeah! He should have stayed and fought!" Keldeo responded, "That just seems really cheap to run from a fight. You wouldn't catch a Sword of Justice doing that! I mean, I'm still haunted by the time I ran away from my fight with Kyurem. I'm just as hard on myself as I'm hard on any other Legendary. I mean, come on, what kind of Legendary runs from a Misdreavus? What is he afraid of ghosts? Is he like Scooby Doo is something?"

Matthais got out his IPod Touch and said as he turned it on, "You know, I think Entei being a coward who always runs away is actually an established part of his character, cause there's like a ton of memes and comics about it. Let me find one," Matthais searched Google, and he smiled and said, "Aha, look at this one! (gos4xef)."

Keldeo laughed at the image of Entei being put to sleep and then running away while asleep. "Wow, he's such a coward, he runs away in his sleep!"

"He crashed through those houses like Scooby Doo and Shaggy!" Matthais said through his laughter.

"Wow! And I was joking when I asked if he was like Scooby Doo!" Keldeo said in amazement.

"Hey, look at this one (hh7pmjq)!" Matthais said as he pulled another image up, this one of a Noctowl using Hypnosis on Entei.

Keldeo burst out laughing.

"Yeah, he looks so stupid!" Matthais chuckled, "Oh man, look at him drool!"

Keldeo caught his breath and said, "And- and look how angry that Noctowl is! Oh my gosh!"

The pair laughed for a bit, then Keldeo said, "Okay then, how about we move on to Raikou?"

"More like Princess Raikou, seeing how he's a Damsel in Distress throughout that The Legend of Thunder! three-parter," Matthais remarked.

"Yeah, he kinda is pretty much a glorified MacGuffin for Attila and Hun and Jimmy to play hot potato with," Keldeo said as he nodded his head.

"And then he has to get captured in a bubble," Matthais said in a deadpan tone, "A bubble. Seriously, Princess Peach can go through all of Super Mario 3D World and defeat Bowser by herself, and Raikou gets captured in a bubble. A bubble. And I know the bubble came from the super powerful Diabolus ex Machina Crystal, but still, it's the symbolism of the thing. It's what being trapped in a bubble symbolizes."

"Yeah, that is a pretty prominent symbol in animated media," Keldeo said slowly, "It's kinda hard to explain exactly what it symbolizes in words. You just kinda. . . know what it means and what type of characters are associated with being trapped in bubbles."

"Okay, okay, moving on," Matthais said, "Now let's talk about Suicune."

"Celebi: Voice of the Forest! Featuring an extended cameo of a Pokemon who is just. . ." Keldeo can't seem to find the words as he looks around and blinks, searching his mind for soemthing to say. He finally says, "I mean, Suicune tried to help. He fails hard, sure, but he tries."

"It really is pathetic. I almost feel sorry for Suicune," Matthais expressed sincerely, "He tries to fight off the corrupted Celebi, and he immediately gets captured. He was just a distraction so the real heroes could save the day. Then he purifies the lake so they can heal Celebi, but then that doesn't work. It's like, he didn't have to be in this movie. If the lake being polluted had not been a plot element, then you could have literally replaced Suicune with any other Pokemon, and the movie would've been the same. And one of the supreme rules of storytelling is that if you can replace a character with anybody else and still have the same story, then you either need to get rid of that character or rewrite your story so that the character can have a better role. Regigigas had a better role in Giratina vs the Sky Warrior! At least he actually did play a role in stopping the glacier. Suicune did nothing of importance in that movie. There was only an illusion of Suicune having an important role in the movie."

"Speaking of illusions. . ." Keldeo said with a sly grin.

"Oh boy," Matthais moaned.

"You wanna talk about what the trio did in Zoroark: Master of Illusions?" Keldeo asked.

"You already talked about their actions in that movie enough, so I just- you know what, wait," Matthais said, and he pulled up another image on his IPod Touch (z6dgeoa), "Alright, this is all we need. Just this. Look."

Keldeo looked at the series of five pictures and chuckled a bit, "Oh boy."

"Although, technically they should be preaching about Ho-Oh, since he was the once who brought them back to life, you know, the whole 'born again' analogy they're making here," Matthais said.

"Alright, so what more can we say about this?" Keldeo asked the room at large as if speaking to a crowd, "They're like Team Rocket, they made everything worse for Zorua and Zoroark, they let Kodai escape, they didn't do anything positive, they didn't even try to help Zoroark when she was dying-."

"They're also Shiny. That bothers me," Matthais chimed in, "I mean, so there's six of them now? How is that possible? Did three more Pokemon die in a fire and get brought back to life by Ho-Oh? Are they clones? Or did they just die again and get resurrected again? Look, you can have two Moltresses. You can even have two Mewtwos. But you cannot have more than one set of Legendary Beasts, I just don't get it!"

"You know, that point might actually play a role in a future review. . ." Keldeo said thoughtfully, then he shrugged and said, "Eh, we'll see. So, is that it, Matthais?"

"Oh no," Matthais said seriously, "We have one more appearance to talk about, and it really cemented my dislike for these Legendary Beasts. And it's from the game I got for Christmas. Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon."

"YOU GOT IT!?" Keldeo exclaimed with wide eyes.

"Yep," Matthais said with a smile.

"Wow that's awesome-wait! Is this gonna be a spoiler?" Keldeo asked wearily.

Matthais shook his head, "Not really. It happens early in the game, it's still pretty vague, so it probably won't ruin anything."

Keldeo nodded, "Okay, I trust you Matthais. So, what happens?"

Matthais nodded his head, an angry expression on his face, "Okay, so we learn that Pokemon are being turned to stone, and witnesses have seen a Fire-Type Pokemon leaving the areas wherever Pokemon have been turned to stone. So, we head over to one such area where two Pokemon have been turned to stone, and in a burst of flame, Entei appears."

Matthais stopped for a moment, then said, "You know, at first, I thought this was going to be interesting. I thought that Entei was going to be one of the villains, so I thought, 'Okay. Good for the writers.' This could've been cool. Maybe Entei could be a better version of Munna or Kyurem from Gates to Infinity. Maybe he thinks he has to do this or is being forces into doing this. Maybe the other Beasts are hostages, or are making him, or trying to stop him. I had high hopes for what they planned to do with Entei in this game."

Matthais then gave an angry frown and said, "But NOPE! Entei just turn and says to the player and partner, who are a Mudkip and Tepig respectively, and basically says 'Caught you! Prepare to die!' And you have to realize, these characters are confirmed to be children! Entei is either so stupid or so insane that he's willing to think that two children are the ones turning Pokemon to stone! Oh, but wait, it gets worse! When Archen comes to defense and says they're from the Exploration Society, does Entei apologize for his false accusation? NO! He says, 'Stay out of my way or I'll kill you.' WHY? They didn't do anything! You were about to attack them? Why are you threatening them?"

Keldeo's eyes were wide, and he asked, "Are you sure he was gonna kill them?"

Matthais replied in dead seriousness, "In a later scene, when you meet him again, we literally are treated with Entei coming reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally close to the player and saying things like 'you first' and 'it'll be all over soon.' And the good guys are all lying prone on the ground with no resistance when he does this."

Keldeo shuddered, "Ugh. That's creepy!"

"It's these Legendary Beasts are cursed to always be portrayed negatively!" Matthais exclaimed.

"Yeah, I don't think either of us are ever gonna be able to like them," Keldeo said in an almost saddened tone.

"But I suppose we can always just tolerate them," Matthais offered.

Keldeo smiled and nodded, "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Well, I guess that's the end of our first Real Thoughts segment."

"Man, that was a lot of fun, right?" Matthais asked cheerfully.

"Right! Well, if you viewers liked it, let us know and we might to another one in the future," Keldeo said as he smiled and waved, "Have a Happy New Year, and brace yourself for the incoming storm of Super Mystery Dungeon fan fiction!"