OOO

I've been in the shower for at least ten minutes now and I still feel like shit. I turn off the water and dry myself automatically. When it comes to deodorant, I find myself carefully spraying instead of a quick blast and I curse myself inwardly. Despite my determined and complete lack of interest, it's as if my subconscious thinks that there's some chance that at lunch time today I will be wrapping myself around some deranged girl and wanting to smell nice. I snort and put on a pair of boxer briefs, hang up my towel and leave the bathroom.

"Did you make sure you used enough deodorant?" asks a small high voice and I'm so wired I actually jump at the sound. A figure is perched on the end of my bed and in the early morning gloom, I hadn't noticed. My sister, Alice. Already. Here it goes.

Ignoring her, I make my way to the drawers and pull out a pair of jeans and the first long-sleeved top that I lay my hands on. "Alice, get out of here. At least have the decency to wait until I've got some clothes on". A quick glance shows me that she is still looking at me closely and unblinkingly.

"Edward. I have the strongest feeling that you need to go along with this" she says seriously. Right. Alice and her strong feelings.

"Remember when you had the strongest feeling that you had to enter that pageant?"

Alice looks annoyed. The pageant was ten years ago and this still gets to her. "I would have won if it weren't for that hayseed with sparkling tiara…" she says broodingly. "Besides, it was clearly important that I enter the pageant, if only to put me off entering pageants for the rest of my life".

"So, just because you have the 'strongest feeling' about something doesn't mean that it's going to be a good experience" I argue.

"But I have the strongest feeling that this is going to be a good experience" she replies illogically but imperturbably.

I put my clothes on as quickly as possible and scrub my hands through my hair while Alice continues to watch me unnervingly closely. When I indicate that it's time to leave, she unwinds her legs and gets up from the bed. "Promise me you'll go" she says.

"Alice" I growl at her "I'm not fucking promising anybody anything" and I walk away with at least some shreds of dignity. The idea of my sister insisting that I publically exchange slobber with Jessica is just too revolting.

I eat a normal breakfast but twin only seems to have juice and some kind of stewed fruit thing (is she on a freak diet?). Carlisle has already left for the hospital but Esme is in the kitchen, organizing dinner, asking when we'll be home and I am seized with horror at the thought that Alice will tell her about Jessica. She doesn't, but merely continues to stare at me while spooning up her disgusting goop, so that I end up gobbling down my very normal breakfast and running away back to my room. I don't come out until I see Jasper's car go back down the driveway, presumably taking Alice away with it.

On the drive to school, I find myself humming along nervously to Taylor Swift on the radio, before I realize what I'm doing and put on a classical CD instead, telling myself that I have to get a grip here.

I'm slightly late and the car park is pretty full so I have to park miles away but the good thing is that the parking lot is mostly deserted. I'm moving quickly through the rows of cars, almost to the gate, when a familiar face steps out in front of me. Jasper. Fucker must have been waiting for me. I step backwards instinctively and collide with a huge wall of solid flesh. Even worse, he's brought Emmett. Fuck it, I'll never get away from the two of them.

"Edward" says Jasper with a ridiculous serious expression. "Thank you for joining us at school today. I was beginning to think you were ditching".

"No, no, but I am a bit late, Jas" I say hastily "Can we talk later? Is it about your homework?"

The pain in the ass is not to be so easily put off. "Edward" he says pushing me back until I can feel Emmett's disgusting breath on my shoulder. Has he been eating beef jerky for breakfast or something? His breath smells sort of meaty.

"Edward, there is an opportunity waiting for you today and you really must take it." I pretend to look puzzled just to annoy him. "Don't tell me … you're selling timeshare holiday units?"

"Emmett" he says and my huge, dumb but incredibly strong friend drops his heavy hand on my shoulder. "What is this?" I ask feebly. "It is an intervention" intones Jasper "An attempt to save your high school years from being considered the most boring in existence. An attempt to rescue your social status. An attempt to stop the widely circulating rumour that you're gay".

"Not that there's anything wrong with that" I mutter lamely.

"I know you're not gay and so apparently, does Emmett, according to his eyewitness account of the post intervarsity baseball celebrations last year ". Behind me the big guy grunts. I still haven't forgiven him for spying on me like that. "But the rest of our year remains unconvinced. I know you don't care about what the good people of Forks think, you've told me that often enough but I would still like to set the record straight."

"But Jas" I argue back "Not Jessica, and not in some freak Facebook event. I just can't. I've known Jessica for years and I've never wanted –"

"Exactly" he interjects "You've known her for years. Can you imagine the shame and disgrace awaiting the girl, this girl who has grown up with you, as you publically reject and humiliate her? You expose her to the risks of cyberbullying, flaming and trolling which may ultimately result in eating disorders, plastic surgery, reality television or even suicide. How could you do this to Jessica, the superficial but big-breasted simpleton we all know and love?"

I groan but I've got no comeback here and he knows it. There's nothing he could say that would make me want Jessica but appealing to my chivalrous instincts? Ah, shit, Esme and her lectures on how to treat women have ruined my life. Or at least my day.

"Alright, alright" I mutter "but don't expect me to enjoy it". Emmett gives one of his weird animal howls and pats me on the back so hard I almost go over. Shithead.

I had a feeling I was going to be outmaneuvered on this one but I've got a back up plan. I just hope it works.