Pairing: Eren/Mikasa & Brief Hanji/Levi

Setting: Modern AU; No specific universe

Rating: K+

Words: 2915

Notes: This is super self indulgent trash but whatever, this is what happens when I listen to Christmas songs at work. I love fics like these (cause I'm a sap for cheesey Christmas movies) and I also wanted to try something a little different. Every section save for the last one is told through phone calls. It was super fun to write ^^ The title is from "I'll Be Home for Christmas" of course.

If Only In My Dreams

Mikasa felt her chest tightening, her throat choking up as the words Eren just spoke felt like they were still resonating through her cell phone speaker. "What do you mean you aren't coming home?"

He sighed, a weary, tired sigh. He sounded exhausted. She could almost picture the hunch in his shoulders, his hand rubbing over his forehead, the dark bags under his eyes that he got when he didn't sleep enough. "Mik, please, don't make this harder."

"You can't just not come home for Christmas. Eren, we always celebrate together."

"It's not like I like it any more than you do," he said. "You think I want to spend Christmas halfway across the country without you, or Armin, or any of my family but it's my residency, I'm at the absolute bottom of the food chain, Mikasa. I don't get a choice. I have to work."

Mikasa closed her eyes, already feeling the sharp sting of tears. If he was here he would've wiped them away, done something to make her laugh, but he wasn't. He wasn't coming home for a long time now. "What am I supposed to do?" she breathed, trying to make sure he didn't hear the cracks in her voice she knew he'd pick up on.

Eren sighed again, this time sounding more defeated than before. "I'll send you your present, and I'll call you on my break that day so you can open it."

It wasn't the same. It would never be the same unless he was here. Every year since the year her parents died he always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her, making sure she had just as good of a holiday that she had when her parents were alive. This would be the first year in almost fifteen years that he wouldn't be here to celebrate with her.

"Okay," she said not doing much a job on disguising her disappointment.

"Mik, c'mon-"

"I'm sorry, Eren, I have to get ready for work."

"Ah, alright. I'll, um, call you tomorrow?"

"Okay. Bye then."

"Goodbye-"

She hung up before he could say anything else. Guilt mixed in the pit of her stomach along with the heartache in her chest. It wasn't his fault, she knew that. She wasn't even mad at him, it was just…

Mikasa looked up at the tree that sat lit up in the center of the living room in the town house she shared with Armin, and Eren when he still lived in state. It was far too big but it was the one he wanted, and Mikasa always had a hard time saying no to him. His face always lit up every time they brought it out to decorate it. Now she'd only be able to see his face through her phone screen.

She was more than a little glad Armin wasn't home when the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"What's up, kid?" Levi didn't sound quite as stressed as he usually did when she called, even though it was about a week until Christmas.

"Hey, are you and Hanji still coming over Christmas Eve?" Mikasa said as she absent mindedly wrote down a shopping list on the pad she dropped on the kitchen counter.

"I think Hanji would have a heart attack if we didn't."

Armin was reading a book on the couch, the fire in the fire place crackling pleasantly. He looked up when Mikasa gestured for him to come over.

"Okay, Armin is chef of the hour so what do you guys want to eat?" she said passing the pen and pad over to him when he walked into the kitchen.

"What happened to Jaeger?" Levi said. "Tell him to get off his lazy ass and cook."

Mikasa bit down on her lip. "Eren's not coming home."

"Excuse me?" Which maybe would've been a polite phrase if not for Levi's tone that was typical of when he was upset, specifically with Eren.

"He can't get off work to fly home." Her eyes flickered up to Armin who was watching her carefully.

"When did he relay this generous information to you?"

"About a week ago."

Levi sighed. "That's what he gets for picking a hospital states away."

"It's not his fault," Mikasa said softly, looking back down at the pad of paper.

"I know that but do you?"

"Levi."

"Don't hold it against him, kid. You're the one who refuses to tell him about that ridiculous crush you've harbored on him for years."

Mikasa closed her eyes. "Please drop it."

"Fine," Levi said though Mikasa was surprised her brother actually listened to her for once. "Hanji!" he called, but it was distant, like he had the phone away from his mouth. "Text Arlert what you want to eat for Christmas."

"Hanji is gonna text you," Mikasa said, looking over to Armin. "I'll make sure Levi keeps on her so you can actually go shopping before everything gets sold out."

"Hey, kid."

Mikasa turned her attention back to the phone in her hands. "Yeah?"

"Don't take out all the hurt you feel on Eren. Take responsibility for your actions, and what you left unsaid when you had the chance before he moved." Levi was a lot like Armin, expect he tended to say things nicer than Levi did.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Okay."

"Mikasa, c'mon," Eren's voice said over her voicemail. "I know you're there. If you don't think I know your schedule even with a time difference, than you're kidding yourself." A beat. "Look, I know you're pissed at me and I get it, I'd be mad too. Hell, I am mad but it's been days since you answered my calls. This isn't easy for me either. You think I'd rather be staying up all night working than being home with you?" Another beat. "I know I broke our tradition and I'm sorry, Mik, I don't know how many times I can tell you I'm sorry just please stop ignoring me. It's not making this any easier. I just…I…" He broke off with some distressed or frustrated noise. "I miss you, please call me back."

"Good morning, sweet pea."

"Morning, Aunt Carla," Mikasa yawned, pressing the phone to her ear as she rolled over in bed.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," she said, which wasn't a total lie.

Carla made some kinda disbelieving noise, reminding her where Eren got it from. "I just wanted to let you know that, of course, you and Armin, Levi and Hanji are all welcome over on Christmas Day. That'll never change no matter where my son may be."

The mention of Eren made Mikasa's heart jump, made her stomach sink. "Thank you, it really means a lot."

"Oh hush," Carla said. "You're one of mine, you always have a place here."

Mikasa bit down on her lip. She wanted to ask how Eren was doing but she wasn't really sure if that was appropriate since she still hadn't called him back or if Carla would just lecture her instead. "Um, how is Eren doing?" Mikasa breathed, trying to brace herself for what was to come.

"Do you want the truth or what he pretends when he's on the phone with me?"

"The truth."

Carla sounded like she put something down on a counter or table. "He's not so good, honey. He's all alone out there, and while he has friends he made none of them could ever replace what he has back here. It's killing him to be stuck away. He understands why you won't talk to him, but it's only making him feel worse and you too if I know anything about you; which I do."

"It's hard," Mikasa said, trying to ignore the sharp and sudden stinging in her eyes.

"I know it is, you don't have to tell me, but Mikasa, you have to know it's hard on him too. I know you feel like it's not Christmas without Eren, but he feels the same way about you."

Mikasa nodded before realizing Carla couldn't see her. "He said he'd call on Christmas Eve."

"Then you know he will, just make sure you're there to answer the call. I love you, I'll see you in a few days."

"I love you too, Aunt Carla."

"Mikasa, I don't think I've ever seen a grocery store with more people in it before."

She nearly dropped the tray of cookies she was pulling out of the oven. "Armin, what the hell are you doing at a grocery store the day before Christmas Eve?"

"I forgot something." It might've been true but there was something else in his tone that told her otherwise.

Mikasa placed the cookie tray on the stove to cool. "You never forget anything. What's going on?"

"Well, I didn't forget it so much as…hey! Watch where you're going, please! God." Armin huffed and it sounded like he was moving through a crowd. "I didn't forget as much as think we didn't need it but the more I thought about it the more I wanted it."

"Wanted what?"

"That stupid marshmallow chocolate cake he loves so much."

Despite herself, Mikasa felt a smile pulling at her lips. "Armin, he was the only one who ever ate it, it's just gonna sit there."

"It just…didn't feel right not to have it, you know? It's bad enough he's missing but to have something else that's always there gone just made it worse somehow."

She understood all too well. Even just talking to Eren was hard. It hurt to hear his voice and know she wouldn't get to see him, feel his warm presence, have a hug that literally lifts her off the ground. She felt so bad for not answering his calls, even going as far as to just watch his face pop up on her screen when he called, finger over the answer button but never hitting it. Sometimes she'd try to call him, and just stare at the call button but never going through with it. It just hurt too much, and it hurt even more to know she was causing him pain. Eren who was stuck miles and hours away with no one to celebrate with.

"Maybe we can all have a slice for him," Mikasa said. "He'd get a kick outta it."

"And try not to get sick off all the damn sugar in this thing."

Mikasa laughed; Eren was the only one who had that high sugar tolerance. "Get all the ingredients and I'll make it."

Mikasa was sitting on the couch with Armin,Hanji sprawled out next to Levi in the love seat after dinner when Mikasa's phone rang. Her heart leapt up into her throat at Eren's face on the screen.

"Stop punishing him, kid, he didn't do anything wrong."

When she looked up Levi wasn't even watching her, but he must've assumed who it was. She pressed answer and held the phone up to her ear. "Hey."

"Hey, Mikasa!"Eren said, the relief in his voice so clear it made her heart ache. "Is everyone there with you?"

"Um, well, Armin, Levi, and Hanji, yeah." She kicked her legs up under her, and tried hard not to pick at the edge of her sweater.

"I'm really sorry about this shit, Mik. I wish I could be there."

"I'm…" Mikasa glanced up from her lap but no one was watching her, or at least they were attempting to look anywhere else. "I'm sorry I acted the way I did. It was wrong of me and only made it harder. I just was counting down the days till you could visit and then it was gone. It was really hard to hear your voice and know you weren't coming."

"I know, I hated it. It's bad enough to be so far away on an everyday basis let alone the holidays."

"I never did get your present though," she said, looking over the small the pile that was under the tree, a smile pulling at her lips. "Did you send it out late? You know there's a deadline for those kinda things don't you?"

He snorted. "Of course I do."

There was a knock on the door that echoed through the living room. "Hang on, someone's at the door."

"Did Armin invite his girlfriend over?"

"You're only asking me because you want me to tell you if he has a girlfriend or not." She walked the short distance to the front door, and undid the lock.

"Touché."

She swung the door open, letting in the cold December air. It was dark out already, but the outside light from her small porch illuminated the front steps. She wasn't really sure who she expected to be there. Carolers possibly, maybe some of their other friends Armin might've invited to make Christmas Eve seem fuller but it was anything but who she was looking at.

Mikasa dropped her phone; it bounced off somewhere on the carpet as both her hands were over her mouth.

"I thought this might be the best way to ship it," Eren said, holding his phone in one hand, and a wrapped box in the other. That smile was on his lips, the one Mikasa adored, his familiar scent already making her body feel warm, safe. "I'm pretty sure I got it here pretty close to right on time."

Mikasa felt her body moving on it's own, her arms reaching up around his neck, her head burying in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her as he let out a sigh. It was cold out, and there was a light flurry going on around them but Mikasa could barely even care that she wasn't wearing shoes. Eren was here, he was actually here.

"How?" she breathed, not letting him go, not even an inch just incase he disappeared if she did.

He chuckled. "It took a while, I didn't even know I was flying out till this morning but I may have laid it on a little thick to get out of work. At least it worked. Well, aside from having to work a few long overnight shifts when I get back."

Mikasa pulled away just enough to look at him, his turquoise eyes bright. "You didn't have to do that, Eren. I'm sorry if what I did made you feel like you had to-"

"Mikasa," he laughed, leaning his head into her a little more. "I'm here cause there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

She wasn't sure what made her do it; if it was his smile, the fact he flew all the way out here, that he was gonna be pulling long work days just to see her, his warm hands on her back, his body against hers or if it was the fact it was just simply Eren. All she knew was she tilted her head up and kissed him.

Before she could realize what she was doing and pull away, the hand that once held his phone was tangled in her hair, holding her close as he kissed her back. Her fingers curled against his neck, her heart practically beating out of her chest. Nothing else mattered.

When he pulled away, Mikasa could see that dopey smile on his face, one that made her breath hitch. She was in such a haze of everything that was going on inside of her she didn't even know what else she could do or say at this point. "Eren?" she breathed.

"Yeah?"

"What exactly was it that you told the hospital?"

Eren chuckled a little, and Mikasa could see a faint red tint to his cheeks. "Well, I, uh, may've told them my girlfriend back home lost her parents around Christmas, and I was always there to celebrate it with her to make sure she had the best Christmas she could."

She leaned her face closer to his again. "Is that how you think of me?"

"It depends," he said, smile creeping back on his lips. "You gonna let me kiss you again?"

Mikasa didn't think she needed to answer that, not when she was already tilting her face up to his.

"For Christ's sake, will you two get in here before you effectively let all the warm air out. Make out on your own damn time," Levi called and Armin's distinct snort of laughter came quickly after.

"Levi, don't take his name in vain on his birthday, that's not very nice."

"Christ wasn't born on the 25th of December, Hanji, I was."

Eren was laughing too as he watched Mikasa.

"Well, um, would you like to come in?" she asked stepping aside so he could walk in the door.

"I'd love to." He grabbed his bag by his feet and walked into a place he called home.

Mikasa followed him in as he moved to tackle Armin on the couch, though Eren generously placed her present down first. She couldn't stop laughing especially since everyone but Levi was laughing now; he did crack a smile though so that was better than usual. She knew in just one short day Eren would have to go back until he had vacation time to use again, that it would be all too soon and that she didn't even know how they'd work out everything new between them. For now though a day was good, it was better than good, it was amazing.

"Welcome home, Eren," she said softly.