Spoiler Alert: I realize the notifications weren't really working that great last week so to anyone who has not read Ch. 13 yet major spoilers coming up. Otherwise, read on :)

Ch. 14

DPOV

Songs: Waltz for the Faithless - Peter Bradley Adams, Fix You - Coldplay, To Be Alone - Hozier

I closed my eyes waiting for sleep to take me but waited a moment before drifting off to make sure Rose was sleeping soundly. From what I remembered, Rose was unable to reach Vasilisa through the bond while the princess slept; I could only hope it still worked the same way. I felt her stir next to me and turned to look at her. Rose's brow was furrowed, and her eyes were darting around under her lids. I sat up and reached for her, ready to wake her if needed, but she quickly calmed and her features formed into a relaxed look. She looked so peaceful as she lay there next to me. Her hair spilled in deep midnight waves around her. I resisted the urge to twirl a piece around my finger for fear of waking her from her serene slumber.

I wished she could always be this at peace. As I watched her rest, I whispered a quick prayer over her in an attempt to harness that tranquility. I wouldn't call myself a devout man, but I hoped the hallowed words would provide some protection from the demons that haunted her.

"Bozhe, zashchiti moyu vozlyublennuyu.
Moy dikiy tsvetok.
Sokhranyat' yeye ot nasiliya...
i ot vreda.
V etom meste...
i kazhdoye mesto.
V etu noch'...
i kazhduyu noch'."

Satisfied that she was soundly asleep, I laid back again and caved into my exhaustion.

I dreamt of the first time I had spoken to Rose about Ivan. It was after one of our training sessions in the gym and was really one of the first times I had opened up to anyone about him. She regarded me with her usual curiosity but was careful not to offend me. I remembered feeling strangely comfortable openly talking to her about him when I had been so closed off to everyone else that broached the subject.

Back then, even speaking his name would cause the gory scene of him laying in a pool of blood to invade my mind. However, the look Rose wore as I answered her questions about that day pulled me from my gruesome thoughts. I was in awe by her reaction. The worry that crossed her features spoke an array of hidden messages to me. Her worry for my inner turmoil, someone she had just met; her worry for her own friend and future charge; and worry that she could one day be faced with the same situation. It was one of those rare times where Rose's unadulterated dedication to our position completely shined through. A lot of times she would hide behind sarcasm and humor but in that moment, I could see how badly she wanted to become the best she could to protect her friend.

I no longer felt that rising feeling of self-doubt and horror. I felt like I had a purpose again and would do everything in my power to teach her all that she needed to know to become an elite Guardian. In the end, it hadn't been enough, but I indulged in the blissful ignorance that those memories provided as I slept.

In reality, our conversation was short-lived and over about as quickly as it had started, but my imagination molded it and extended the recollection. We sat in the gym a little longer, exchanging stories of our favorite moments with our friends and casually laughed at some of the antics Ivan got me into when we were in school. Her face lit up when she laughed, and I reveled in bringing that carefree side out of her.

"Hmm, he sounds like he was a really great guy," Rose mused.

"Yes," I replied in a far-off tone, my mind reeling with memories of Ivan. "He truly was."

My light-hearted demeanor faltered as the word 'was' echoed in my mind and I dropped my gaze to the floor. Referring to him in the past tense was just another cruel reminder that he was no longer here. My thoughts shifted down the spiraling path. I should have been there. I should have done more.

Then, just as Rose sensed my train of thought, she did the unthinkable. She reached out her hand to mine and gave it a comforting squeeze. I looked up to her, eyes wide and fixated on hers.

"It's not your fault, Dimitri." Her words sank deep within me and a tingling sensation radiated from her palm into mine. "None of it was your fault. He forgives you...She forgives you...I forgive you." She was no longer just referring to Ivan. The recent events of our present made their way into my dream and the desire to hear her say those words took shape.

"Roza," I whispered, raising my free hand to her face. When I reached out to touch it, my hand moved through her like smoke. Confused, I looked down to her clasped hand over mine as it started to fade away. The light tingling began to dissolve with her and that cold look she had worn in my room at the academy now adorned her translucent face.

"No Roza. Don't leave me. Please, please come back to me." I desperately lunged for her, trying to hold on for dear life, but her form vanished into thin air.

I pulled myself from my rising nightmare as the sight of Rose shutting herself off from me threatened to tear at my insides. At the end of these dreams, that had become a regular occurrence, I would wake feeling cold and empty; completely lost without her. But tonight, I was warmer than usual. I could feel a light foreign weight on my chest as my breathing steadied. When I opened my eyes to identify it, I was astonished by the sight before me.

Rose was in my arms.

I held my breath for a moment, afraid of disturbing her tranquil state. Had she gotten cold in the middle of the night and was just seeking warmth? I glanced over at the fire without moving my head and noticed the hot coals still radiating heat. Was it possible she was seeking out...me? I took in a slow breath, and Rose's reaction stunned me even more. The tiniest hint of a smile formed at the corner of her mouth and she sank deeper into me. If this was another dream, there was no way I would be waking myself up from it.

I laid there watching as she slept. One of her arms was leisurely draped over my torso and her chest was moving at a calm pace to match my own breathing. A silky strand threatened to spill across her face but again, I resisted the urge to move it. I just stared at her, reveling in this closeness.

After another few moments, I finally caved into my desires and delicately moved my arm out from under her and placed my hand just under her shoulder, wrapping her in my embrace. When she didn't stir, I tenderly rubbed circles on the spot of her back with my thumb. A light hum escaped her lips and she nuzzled her face against me. A swarm of happiness built within me at the ability to cause that reaction from her, consciously or not. That simple gesture made me feel more alive than I had in weeks—but it also caused her to wake.

She snapped her eyes open like she was ready to pounce, but she remained perfectly still. Rose evaluated the situation and seemed to be running a handful of questions through her mind. When it appeared she had finally landed on an answer to one, she looked up at me. With our gazes locked, I laid there waiting for her to leap out of my arms and out of the room, but she remained. In that moment she was no longer the scared, broken girl she had been desperately trying to hide, she wasn't fighting to push me away or run into battle fists first—she was my Roza. She looked at me with questioning awe, like she had just discovered the secret to the meaning of life. When she finally did move, it wasn't to get away. Rose propped herself up on one arm, slightly hovering over me to look directly into my eyes.

I automatically moved my hand up to her face, thrilled to find it didn't move through her like it had in my traitorous dream. I boldly brushed a piece of her silky hair behind her ear before selfishly letting my hand rest on her cheek, wanting to hold on to her as long as possible. She closed her eyes, letting out the softest sigh as she pushed closer into my palm. My breath caught at that magnificent sound. The familiarity of it warming deep within my chest and sending shockwaves through my arm.

Her eyes fluttered open and I suddenly felt jealous of my fingertips that rested on her heavenly face. What I wouldn't give to press my lips to her soft skin below them. As if reading my thoughts, her eyes flitted down to my lips, staring at them for only an instant before meeting my gaze again. The faint light from the dying fire reflected in her eyes, revealing burning embers of want and desire. They were no longer clouded by those hints of questioning hesitation. She wanted to kiss me.

I lifted my head off the pillow and began to slowly move towards her to oblige the silent request. Her lips parted in anticipation and she took in an excited breath as my fingers tangled in her hair. We were so close I could almost taste her lips on my tongue. I once read somewhere, "he had found sweetness sleeping still upon her lips, and felt that he had never been away." In that moment I wanted to rush my mouth to hers and savor that sweetness. I wanted to come home and never leave again.

Just as I moved to press those pale pink petals to mine, she pushed off me and turned away.

I sat there dazed, wondering if I had just imagined her being so close, but her heavy breaths told me it had been real. She positioned herself at the end of the bed and slowly brought her fingertips to her lips, lightly brushing them along the bottom one before dropping her hand—and her head—to her lap.

I reached out to her but halted before making contact. "Roza, please wait. I'm sorry. I thought…" Did I misread her signals? How could I have been so stupid? We were making progress; she had offered me a place to rest next to her for crying out loud and I immediately upset her. I was terrified of her vanishing into smoke and swirling away from me. I settled my panicked voice to just above a whisper in an attempt to hide my desperation. "Please, talk to me."

With her back still towards me she responded, "No Dimitri, I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong."

"Wrong?" The question escaped me before coherent thoughts even formed in my mind. I thought about the way my heart felt when she was near, how she was able to see past my barriers and into my soul, the way her eyes seemed to mirror my exact thoughts and reflected the same love and adoration I felt for her. How could a connection so strong—something so precious to me—be wrong?

"Do you remember that day in the church, when I was afraid the darkness would lead me to the same fate as Shadow Kissed Anna?" She turned towards me but still didn't meet my eyes. "When I said, 'They Come First' you told me 'not always'." I could sense where she was going with this and my whole body tensed up. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear this, but she was talking to me, she was letting me in. Regardless of how badly it stung, I had to be strong for her. Sitting up a little straighter, I put up a stone mask to hide my hurt at her words.

"I thought that could be true," she continued. "That caring about each other as much as I cared about her would be okay. But look how it turned out. Look what's happened. It's my fault. What we did was wrong and now we are being punished."

I struggled to find words. My mind and heart were being pulled in two different directions. She was hurting, suffering from guilt and depression beyond comprehension, but what she was saying was blasphemy. I had spent months trying to deny myself the love that radiated between us, but when I finally decided to give in, there was no turning back. She had my heart and soul, whether she still wanted them or not, and as long as even an ounce of that still remained I couldn't stand for anyone denouncing our love; and that included her.

I was about to tell her so, but bit my tongue before the words escaped me. I had to remain in control. It was obvious my feelings towards her were causing some sort of inner turmoil and if I admonished her now for refuting those feelings, it was very possible she would close herself off to me again. Her protection was more important than anything else I was feeling, and I had to make sure I could still be there for her when the time came.

"I understand Rose," I removed all trace of emotion from my voice and locked the burning feelings in a box deep inside me. "And I'll give you the space you need."

A string of emotions flooded her face, and I watched them come in waves forming silent questions that would go unanswered. At first, she looked surprised by my yielding response but that quickly morphed into disappointment. Did she want me to argue with her? Was she hoping I would discredit her faulty reasoning? Before I could decipher what those looks meant, a new one formed on her face. Something much more familiar.

Rage.

Her hands gripped the rumpled quilts beside her and her lips were tightly pursed to accompany the bitter scowl across her brow.

"That's it?!" Her voice was quiet but still had a sharp bite. "A second ago you were practically begging me to talk about this and when I pour it all out that's all you have to say?"

"I made you a promise and I'm willing to be whatever you need me to be." The box inside me threatened to creak open but I maintained my controlled monotone, which seemed to only incite her more.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She shook her head and scrunched her face in irritation. "I would have at least expected some Zen monologue that you always seem to pull out of your ass."

I narrowed my eyes at her and took a calming breath. "Rose, you're upset. Maybe it's best we just drop it for now."

That did it. She jumped up off the bed and started pacing, her arms slicing through the air as she spoke.

"You've got to be kidding me! I'm already getting it from Eddie, Adrian, and now you too?! I'm not some fragile doll that's going to break if you drop me, so don't treat me like one. I may be a lot of things right now but I'm not a coward." Rose swung her body in the direction of the bed again and launched that last word at me. She tilted her head with a wild look in her eyes and counted off on her fingers, "Hysterical, crazy, damaged goods, take your pick—but at least I'm not afraid to say how I feel!"

Coward? Afraid? She was throwing low blows to get a rise out of me now. Unfortunately, it was working. I stood up and walked to the foot of the bed, keeping a fair distance between us. Her arms were crossed over her chest with a rancorous look pointed to the floor beside her. Her blatant refusal to look at me was the final tipping point and the lid to that box inside me swung open.

"Rose, I will beg for forgiveness for not being there for Vasilisa when she was taken until the day I die. You're right; even with the chaos of the attack, I should have done everything in my power to get to those dorms and ensure her safety. For that, I am endlessly and undoubtedly sorry," I paused as her eyes finally rose up to meet mine. I grabbed onto the wooden frame to anchor myself and leaned forward, holding her gaze with intensity and sincerity. "But I will never apologize for loving you."

Her expression was blank, and it was impossible to gage what she was thinking. Inside I started to panic. I had lost my control and I was about to lose her again. But just when I thought she would storm out, her face softened. It wasn't as strong as the look she had worn when she first woke up on my chest, it was more like a shadow of it, just enough to remind me of the closeness we had shared. I didn't dare speak, or even breath. We just stood there looking at each other as my last words hung in the air.

She finally opened her mouth to respond, but her train of thought was interrupted as an uncontrollable shiver shimmied up her back. She closed her eyes, concentrating on what I assumed was her invisible barriers. I readied myself to do whatever I needed to do to bring her back. When she opened them, that earlier thought was completely gone, replaced with the usual cold facade.

"We should get going. I don't want to keep your friends waiting."

I nodded as she reached for her duffle bag and walked out the door towards the bathroom. The early morning light shone through the window washing away our hushed conversations along with the stale darkness. I allowed myself one moment to wonder what words were at the tip of her tongue before I pushed those thoughts aside and readied myself for the day.

A/N: A couple credits need to go out. First off, the quote Dimitri read belongs to dear old F. Scott Fitzgerald from The Beautiful and the Damned.

Secondly, anyone out there watching Outlander? I recently got into it and fell in love with a scene where Jamie says a prayer over Claire as she sleeps. I know a traditional Russian prayer would have been more accurate, but this one (with one small change) fits this story so well. Translation:

God, shield my beloved.
My wildflower.
Preserve her from violence
and from harm.
In this place
and every place.
On this night
and on every night.

*swoon*