Hi, Matthais Unidostres here. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the promised Season 4 Finale will not be occurring until next month. Therefore, in order to fill up the time, Keldeo the Critic will present to you several extra fanfic reviews which shall be grouped under the title of-
"ABSOL MONTH!" Keldeo exclaimed, looking thrilled beyond words.
In the autumn, leaves were falling,
When I found a sight appalling,
Sight an Absol trodding closely, and I feared what it would bring,
Through the market I was walking,
Shiv'ring at its steady stalking,
Stalking close, and then I realized it was here the day before,
It would be there many more.
-Excerpt from Absolute and Nevermore by BunnyWings
Keldeo the Critic
Season 4 Episode 19- Visions by Incinirmatt
tinyurl: jypox9n
"It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review it so you don't have to. And it's ABSOL MONTH!" Keldeo exclaimed.
Scenes of Astrid's Mega Absol fighting against Alain's Mega Charizard X played.
"Absol might as well be an honorary Sword of Justice," Keldeo said, "These Pokemon, gifted with the ability to foresee disasters, show themselves as warnings to humans, acting as sings for people to prepare or flee the disaster area. They save lives, even if it means that they end up being blamed for the disaster. But really, in today's modern world, no person has any excuse for thinking that they cause disasters anymore. Anyway, I meant what I said. With that magnificent horn, really strong attack power, and devotion to a noble cause, I couldn't think of any Pokemon more worthy of being an honorary Sword of Justice."
Keldeo grinned excitedly and said, "So, all this month, I'll be reviewing fanfics that focus on Absol. So, what's the first one I'm reviewing?"
Visions
By: Incinirmatt
What Absol see are not pretty. Now imagine a child Absol seeing the oncoming disasters. It's not fun.
Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Absol - Words: 1,175 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: Aug 4, 2012 - Status: Complete - id: 8393980
"Nope," Keldeo said as he walked off, "Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope- LET ME GO, VICTINI!"
Victini dragged Keldeo back onto the rock platform by his horn. Victini pointed downward and said, "You've got a job to do Keldeo, and I'm gonna make sure that you do it!"
"Since when did you become Drill Sergeant Nasty?" Keldeo asked in surprise.
"I've decided to take my job more seriously!" Victini said as he floated still with his arms folded, "Let's get serious! That's my new motto! Serious! Just like this fanfic! Dead serious! A serious look on what it means to be an Absol!"
"But that's one of the problems with this story!" Keldeo exclaimed.
"Too serious for ya?" Victini said with a raised eyebrow.
"No, it's fake serious!" Keldeo shot back, "Well, kinda. It just messes with your expectations. The summary makes it sounds like, I don't know, black ironic comedy or something. Then when you read it, it does feel serious, but then it goes from serious to mellow dramatic to stupid beyond belief to absolutely ridiculous in a really unfunny and painful way!"
Keldeo hung his head and said, "But I guess that gives me all the more reason to review this story to show everyone exactly how bad it is. So, pay no attention to my serious friend over there, and watch as I review Visions."
"So our story begins with this cute little Absol named Reta playing with her mother."
Reta was only a small little Absol when she learned of her natural ability; the ability to sense oncoming disasters. Normally, an Absol's sixth sense didn't come, however, until a few years after birth, when the Absol had matured enough to be able to handle it. That wasn't the case for Reta. When she obtained her ability, she was still a little girl—a child, innocent in mind and body—which was quite rare. Few Absol get their sixth sense before maturity.
"Okay, now this is the part that's the good kind of serious. We get some fannon insight on how an Absol's ability works, and way to produce some tension and conflict in the story," Keldeo said, looking pleased, "So, we see Reta's mother thinking about her own innocent past before she gained her ability when the plot begins to heat up."
Typical of her daughter to want to play. Not many Absol did that anymore. Fun was…something lost to them long ago. About the time they learned of their sixth sense, to be exact.
"Can't catch me~ Lalala~" Reta chimed, running faster but still not fast enough for her mother to need to increase her speed. Her mother smiled softly; a child's happiness truly was a wonder. Such a shame that she'd lose it.
"Calm down, Reta." her mother laughed a bit. Reta joined in, until a twitch of her horn made her stop in her tracks.
"…?"
"Is something wrong Reta?" her mother asked. Reta hesitated then her horn twitched again. That was odd. It never did that before. Not only that, but the vibrations seemed to…tell her something. More twitching followed, this time affecting her sight as well. Colors began to blur and transition into a new image. Reta could only watch in confusion as she saw one of those human-made structures…what did her mother call them again? Buildings! She saw a building standing tall and still.
Suddenly, smoke began to appear from the rooftop. Shortly after, flames began shooting out from the windows and covering the walls until the entire tower was burning. Reta heard screams—screams of pain. Her horn was definitely trying to tell her something. Through its vibrations, she could see and hear everything that was happening…no, her horn said it hasn't happened. There was still time! She could stop it!
"You know, that's actually an important detail," Keldeo remarked, "Reta isn't completely afraid. She still has the presence of mind to want to help. That's quite a nice sentiment that increases your respect for and attachment to this character."
"I-I don't know why, b-but I saw a fire! P-People were screaming too! We have to help them!" Reta told her before taking off in a random direction. "It's this way! I-I know it is!"
Mighty Mouse: "Here I come to save the day!"
"Reta, that fire is too far away." her mother replied solemnly.
"W-What?" This made Reta freeze. What did her mother mean it was too far away?
"I saw it too; visions of danger just come too often." she explained, shaking her head. "They happen in only a second and come so often, regardless of where it is." Reta's mother sighed, sitting down. "Every time something happens, we can sense it. It doesn't matter if we can do anything about it or not. That fire? It's going to be miles away, and it'd take over four hours to get there. The fire starts in five minutes."
"W-Well…"
"I know you want to help, but some other Absol will have to. We can't do a thing."
"Wait a minute, if you're too far away to get there then how are you detecting it?" Keldeo asked in confusion, "Shouldn't only Absol's close to the disaster be able to see it? Like, each Absol has their own district or something? If there's no distance or area limit, then what's to keep Absol's from seeing things happen 24-7? They wouldn't be able to do anything!"
"Sure we can!" Reta argued, but her mother shushed her.
"We cannot." her mother stated, ears drooping. "You see, Reta…"
"We're in Absol Teamster Union Local 149. The fire is in under Local 152's jurisdiction. You wouldn't want mommy to loose her union card, now would you?"
"But before her mother can go into more detail, Reta suddenly gets another vision," Keldeo said.
"O-Oh Arceus!" Reta wailed, hiding her face within her paws. "I-I saw something else…"
"They come quite often."
"They come quite often!?" Keldeo repeated in disbelief, "That's impossible! If there's no kind of limit to what disasters an Absol can see, even if they're hours away from it, then how do they not completely loose their minds? Or even besides that, how the hay to they live? How can they find food, battle, or sleep if they're always getting hit by visions they can't even do anything about! It kinda makes it all pointless, doesn't it?"
"T-The ground is shaking! O-Oh Arceus, look what's happening to those Pokémon!" Reta was on the verge of tears at this point. Fear seemed to have taken a hold of the small Absol and was shaking her like she was some kind of maraca as images of a large scale earthquake struck a distant land. The ground trembled, trees fell and bloodcurdling cries echoed through the air underneath the sounds of rumbling. Pokémon, both big and small, lied on the ground motionless while some others tried to run. "T-They're all hurt."
"Reta?" her mother asked. Reta's eyes widened in alarm as more visions launched themselves into her mind.
"W-What's happening?!" Another vision flashed into her mind.
"Three in a row- WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Keldeo exclaimed, "I mean, now this is just getting stupid. This would be extremely disorienting from any Absol. What if they were in the middle of a life or death battle, or climbing a mountain, or jumping across a gap, or hanging off the edge of the cliff. Sure, everyone has rotten luck, but you'd think that any vision they saw would at least be close by, and not right after two others!"
Keldeo sighed and said, "Okay, so the first one was a fire. The second was an earthquake. So I'm guessing the third one is a flood, right?"
This one was an image of a Team Rocket squad on a killing spree. All of them were wielding some type of machine gun, but, of course, Reta didn't know what they were.
Bang bang bang bang bang bang!
My leg!
Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
You bastards! Agh!
Keldeo stood still, looking completely un-amused.
"You know, I was gonna do a Cinema Sins parody here. You know, like the one I did in my review of Wild Pokemon's Revenge. But I don't think this stupid, stupid scene even deserves that. First of all, HOW IS THIS A NATURAL DISASTER!?" Keldeo shouted, "Who was Reta's father? Reaper? Second, THERE ARE NO GUNS IN POKEMON!"
An image of the Safari Zone Warden pointing a gun at Ash's face appeared.
"That episode was banned!" Keldeo argued.
An image of Jessie holding a bazooka and James holding a machine gun appeared.
"Are you kidding me? That bazooka shot cherry blossoms! The machine gun was probably loaded with marshmallows!" Keldeo argued.
An image of Nastina dual wielding assault rifles appeared.
"Okay, you got me there, but they got rid of all the guns starting in the Johto League story arc!" Keldeo said in frustration, "But that doesn't matter, because regardless this whole 'disaster' doesn't even make any sense. What is the context of this event. And yes, I know that Reta has no context for her visions, but what I mean is that I can't comprehend why this would even occur in the first place? Team Rocket doesn't go on killing sprees, it makes no sense! Team Rocket steals Pokemon, sometimes normal, sometimes Legendaries, but that's all they do! What does mowing people down with machine guns have to do with that? They don't go on killing sprees! And even if they had to get through a group of people in order to steal a Legendary Pokemon or something, they wouldn't use guns, they'd blow them out of the way with their Pokemon! Are they even killing people in that vision, or are they shooting Pokemon? I honestly can't tell. Well, that would be even dumber, because you can't steal and use Pokemon to take over the world if you've killed all the Pokemon! Team Flare is the one that wants to kill everybody, not Team Rocket! But this story was written a year before Pokemon X and Y came out, so what the hay is even going on right now!?"
Victini threw Keldeo's Soothe Bell at the side of Keldeo's head. Keldeo stood in a daze for a moment, then shook himself out of it and took a few breaths. "Okay, I'm good. . ."
"You're welcome," Victini remarked before floating away.
Keldeo glared after Victini and said, "I hate it when people do that."
"M-Make them stop!" Reta shrieked at the top of her lungs. "I-I can't take it! Turn them off!"
"We can't." Reta's mother told her sadly. "I'd be a happy woman if we could." Whimpering, Reta buried her face in her paws, but still the terrible visions invaded her mind. No matter what she tried, Reta couldn't get rid of them. She witnessed tornadoes, explosions and all sorts of genocide. Death was shown to her in scores, scarring the suffering Absol. Reta began sobbing. Could she really do nothing? Was this all really going to happen? What was going on with the world to cause all of this to happen all at once?
Confused Matthew: "Bad writing!"
"Also, acknowledging that something is weird, stupid, and makes no sense doesn't make it better!" Keldeo complained.
Keldeo sighed and said, "Well, at the very least, now we know that things can't get any worse."
"W-Why am I seeing this?" she inquired desperately.
"Good question. Why am I still reading this?" Keldeo remarked with a look of disgust.l
"I don't know, Reta." her mother said, before both of them received another vision. Unlike the others, this one showed a strange creature made entirely out of pixels. It looked like a d in some ways, but was much more block-like. Little parts of it were missing entirely, and it looked like some kind of bad video game censor—or that someone tried to make something and poorly put a design of pixels over it to cover it up. Either way, it was menacing somehow.
Keldeo spun around on his rear hooves and plunged his head into the water. Victini flew in yelling and pulled Keldeo's head roughly out of the water.
"No, Keldeo! It's not worth it! Don't-" Victini cried out out.
"I wasn't downing myself, I just needed something to shock out my intense anger and disbelief before it could break my mind!" Keldeo spluttered out, spitting water as he spoke.
"Oh. . ." Victini said, calming down quickly, "So. . . you okay?"
"NO!" Keldeo shouted, "What the hay is wrong with this writer?! Missingno.! Missingno.! WHY? Just. . . WHY!? First of all, not a natural disaster. Second of all, MISSINGNO.?! This makes even less sense than Team Rocket slaughtering people! You could at least understand how some of the earlier episodes of the Anime could lead someone to believe that Team Rocket kills people on a regular basis. But why is-? It's just so-? It's like writing a fanfic where Ash uses the Item Duplication Glitch. You can't have a electronic compute code based plot point within the Pokemon universe, because it's not a computer world! Pokemon aren't made of data and code, so how could Missingno. even exist in this universe. The only way this could possibly work is if we were in a compute with Porygon and Missingno. was some kind of virus that attacks them. And even after all that, Missingno. can't be in here because this is not a creepypasta! Aren't writers supposed to warn you in advance that you're about to read a creepypasta. Sure, Missingno. actually exists and wasn't made up for a creepypasta, but it's still strange and glitchy enough to be semi-part of the whole Pokemon Creepypasta Universe!"
Keldeo let out a big and loud breath of frustration. Then he calmly said, "But you know what the one good thing about all this is? It's that now, finally, we know, without the shadow of a doubt, that this story couldn't possibly get any worse. We have reached the absolute low, and there's nothing that could possibly happen that could bring this story down any further."
Laughter echoed through the two Absols' ears as pixelated flames slowly began burning the vision until it was nothing but blackness. Several seconds passed before Reta's mother's vision returned. When it did, she saw her daughter lying still. "Reta? Reta, are you alright?" she asked, walking over to the motionless child. "Reta, say something." No response or even movement, for that matter. The child just lied there.
"…"
"Reta! Reta, wake up!" At this point, Reta's mother was really starting to worry for her daughter. "Say something!" she pleaded, pushing her nose against Reta which, in turn, ended up rolling her over. Blankness filled her eyes. The kid Absol was dead. "Reta! RETA!" Tears began welling up in her mother's eyes, slowly falling down her face afterwards. Why did her daughter have to see those visions at such a young age? She wasn't ready, nor did she deserve to die. All her mother wanted right now was to be able to hold her living body again, but it wouldn't happen. Her child was dead, and no-one could ever come back from death.
"My baby…"
". . . . . You. . ." Keldeo began, ". . .sick, manipulative, psychotic, sadistic MONSTER! Wha-?! What kind of creep writes stuff like this?! At least Zuma's Fear was leading into a sequel where everything is going to be resolved! This is the equivalent of Zuma's Fear ending with Zuma jumping off that ledge! Alright, I've had it! Forget the Team Rocket massacre, you know what the real disaster is here?"
"This story!" Victini shouted.
"No! This author!" Keldeo exclaimed, "This Incinirmatt person just. . . goes too far!"
"What do you mean?" Victini asked.
"You think this story was bad? How about a story where a Ninetails curses a Machoke to constantly and mercilessly beat his little brother Machop for a thousand years straight! Or a story where Celebi time travels in the middle of this creepy ritualistic killing?Or, even better, how about a story about a little Tepig on a farm who sees the farmer slaughter and disembowel his farther for meat!"
Victini lurched in disgust, turning green at the thought. "Ugh! KELDEO!" he moaned, clearly trying as hard as he could to keep himself from vomiting, "I thought you didn't read rated M stories!"
"Oh, it's not rated M. It's Rated K+," Keldeo said nonchalantly.
"WHAT!?" Victini exclaimed, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"Yeah, see for yourself," Keldeo said.
Pig Meat
By: Incinirmatt
Life on a farm is full of hard work. Gathering crops, raising the Combusken, and taking care of the Tepig. It can really make a man feel proud of himself. However, the same can't be said for the Tepig.
Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Tragedy - Tepig/Pokabu - Words: 623 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: Aug 6, 2012 - Status: Complete - id: 8401576
"FICTION K+!?" Victini exclaimed at the top of his lungs, "A story about a Tepig being slaughtered and killed and cut up in the bloodiest manner possible is rated K+?" Victini stared in utter disbelief, then he frowned and said, "You know what? Forget this psycho. This author needs to go punch itself in the face. I'm outta here." Victini then flew away, presumably to throw up.
Keldeo sighed and said, "I probably shouldn't judge people like this. Some people just really like grimdark stories like this. Sure, I'm disturbed by it, but. . . maybe?. . .others can see the. . . artistic value? . . .Oh biscuits, who am I kidding, that's a sick story you can only read for sick reasons! THIS IS GARBAGE! At the very least, give your filth accurate ratings! BISCUITS!"
Keldeo composed himself and said, "Well, I should probably should focus on the story I'm actually reviewing. As you can probably tell, I didn't like it. It's not as bad as some of Incinirmatt's other stuff, but I still didn't like it. The whole thing was just an attempt to create a depressing tragedy. However, since the logic of everything that happened here makes no sense, the sad ending just feels like an insult, with the appearance of Missingno. showing how much the author either was lazy or just didn't care. Reta could've ran off in a panic and fell off a cliff or maybe even went crazy and killed herself."
Keldeo quickly held up a forehoof and said, "Don't get me wrong, I still would've been upset about that! Suicide is an unspeakable horror, but at least that would've taken actual effort on the author's part to orchestrate! But nope, just throw in Missingno. and have it magically kill her! It's not like anyone with a brain will read this story, so who even cares!"
Keldeo put his right forehoof to his forehead and moaned, "This story. . . this horrible, terrible, awful, deceitful story! It started out as a clever study of the development of an Absol's ability, but then it began a sadistic trip down Incinirmatt's rabbit hole of terror! I get that Incinirmatt is a dark writer, and that many people like reading dark, depressing literature. But what's inexcusable here is how lazy and manipulative this story is, and how it just tries to get an emotional response out of you using such a cheap trick as child torture! It gets so many details wrong, and the inexplicable deluge of disasters that apparently decided to happen all at once and yet are not even within our main characters' jurisdiction go beyond plot convenience and sail right into the realm of really bad writing!"
Keldeo threw up his forehooves and said, "But what do you expect from the sadist who wrote something as atrocious and evil as Pig Meat! I'm Keldeo the Critic, and I review it so you don't have to!"
The End
Credits
Confused Matthew
Absolute and Nevermore by BunnyWings
Mighty Mouse by FOX
Cinema Sins
Special Thanks
Bulbapedia
HavocHound