Ch. 17

Songs: Dearly Departed - Shakey Graves, Trouble - Cage the Elephant, If I Had a Heart - Fever Ray, Love Lockdown – Glass Animals

RPOV:

"Dead," I yelled as I pinned Eddie to the mat. He groaned underneath me after being defeated for the third time in a row.

"Well done Rose," Dimitri complimented from the sidelines. He had been observing us and working on our technique for the past couple of hours. "Castile, she's reading your moves before you make them. You have a small tell when you are about to attack from your left." Dimitri had this incredible talent for sounding professional yet sincere as he coached us; something I remembered from our training sessions back at the academy. He helped Eddie up and corrected his stance as I a grabbed a swig of water.

"Rose you can start your cooldown while Castile finishes his reps from this morning." I nodded, still a little out of breath, and took a seat on the mats stretching my legs out in front of me. The two finished up their conversation before Eddie headed over to the weights on the other side of the gym.

"Thanks, Guardian Belikov," he called out.

"No problem. And Eddie…" Dimitri replied. "We're not at the academy anymore. No need for formalities here." Eddie smiled, genuinely appreciative and grabbed one of the 50 lb dumbbells to finish his weight training.

"Who knew the serious Guardian Belikov could be such a softy," I teased, drawling his name in my best attempt at a Russian accent. He let out an amused huff and shook his head, pretending my comments had zero merits. Dimitri sat down across from me and joined me in my stretches. I reached out to touch my toes and saw his eyes wander to my right hand.

"How's it working?" He motioned to the silver ring on my middle finger.

"Great actually." It had been a couple days since we visited Mark and Oksana and my mood had exponentially improved. I was starting to gain a small piece of my old self back a little more every day. "I feel like I have more energy and I'm not constantly pushing my limits to block everything out," I told him as I inspected the silver trinket.

His eyes looked over to Eddie in the corner for a second before returning back to his task at hand. I could tell there was something he wanted to say, but he was hesitant to voice it. "Something on your mind, Comrade?"

He gave me that look he always did when I guessed something he was trying to keep hidden. Understandably, he was still a little thrown off when I called him out, seeing how hard he worked to keep up his passive facade, but as long as we'd known one another we always seemed to know what the other was truly feeling without having to voice it. He still seemed slightly hesitant, so I lifted my eyebrows to say: well, out with it.

"Before we left, Oksana told me I should ask you about the other things going on with the bond you haven't shared. She said you may not want to divulge it in front of strangers, but it would be good to talk about it with someone you trust." Dimitri swallowed, and I could see worry and hope that he was still one of those people I could entrust with my secrets.

Since we arrived in Baia it was apparent the damage I had caused to our unyielding ability to trust one another and now that I had a clear head we were slowly working on rebuilding that part of our relationship. As much as I wanted to keep those parts of me still buried deep within, I wanted Dimitri to know I trusted him more.

"You know how I described that Lissa was able to pull memories from my head, ones I was trying to hide?" He nodded. "Well, they were about you." His eyes widened the tiniest bit, but he remained composed and observant.

"She knows about us. I tried to keep it from her, but she saw memories of us...together," I put delicately. "I thought if I closed my heart off to everyone, I could keep it all hidden from even her. But I was wrong. If she can not only see what I'm thinking but pull out things from my past too there's no telling what she will try to use against me to get what she wants." I looked away from him, ashamed of being so weak and letting her get into my mind.

"I'm sorry you have to see her this way," Dimitri's deep voice soothed me. I looked over to see concern written all over him and Mark's words echoed in my mind.

This ring will help you with what you need for now, but don't discard the support you are already receiving from those around you.

"It's not just that," I whispered. "I feel things stronger than before."

"How so," he questioned.

"It's like when I'm pulled into the bond, I'm not just witnessing her...I am her. It's not all the time, maybe only when she wants me to, but when she was talking to that Moroi I felt things I never have before. I wanted her to bite him. I wanted her to taste his blood. The same thing happened when she was outside Guerva. I felt like I was ready to rip someone's head off. And sometimes those feelings don't leave me right away. I can feel them lingering and trying to hold on to me." I rubbed my hands along my shivering arms as the disturbing memories spilled out. I averted my gaze to the floor this time, afraid of seeing Dimitri wear the same disgusted look Eddie had worn in the hotel.

"Rose, look at me," the seriousness in his voice caused me to immediately whip my head up. He spoke slowly and resolutely, making sure every word sank in. "That isn't you. It's dark magic. She won't control you. I won't let her." Dimitri's words melted into me and filled me with something I hadn't felt in so long I almost didn't recognize it. As much as I wanted to protect Lissa and keep her safe, the twisted, pitiless version of her terrified me. But watching this Russian god speak with complete and absolute confidence—in that moment, I believed he could protect me from anything even with just his fearless words. In that moment, I felt completely safe.

Dimitri's eyes flicked past me to check on Eddie and noticing he was wrapping up he moved to stand. He offered me his hand and as I took it to rise he leaned in, speaking just above a whisper, "Thank you for telling me, Rose."

I gave him a small smile and nodded just as Eddie walked over to join us. "So, you think Sonya's gone to work yet," Eddie nervously laughed. We had finally met Dimitri's very pregnant, very angry older sister. She had been at work the first few times I was at the house but had been at their home more often the last couple of days. All I knew was if being pregnant made you that pissy all the time, there was just one more reason I never wanted to conceive. We had been spending as much time at the gym as possible to give her some space and avoid any misappropriated backlash.

Dimitri looked up at the rusted clock hanging on the wall and responded, "Most likely. We should get going anyways if we want any resemblance of a hot shower."

Eddie started jogging backward toward the door. While still facing us he called out, "First dibs on shower!"

I let out a groan in protest. "Fine! But next time we are betting winning matches on first dibs." Eddie rolled his eyes and we all made our way to the Belikova home.

/

I scrunched my brows as I studied the cards in my hand, occasionally looking over them at my opponent. I let him sweat it out one more moment before finally saying, "Go fish!"

Paul giggled and shuffled the pile on the floor around before plucking out his card of choice. His face lit up with excitement as he pulled the matching pair out of his palm and placed it on the floor in front of him. "Your turn," he replied, and we continued our routine. The two of us were splayed out on the living room floor with Eddie and Vika on the couch behind us pleasantly chatting about school and training. Karolina and Olena were in the kitchen preparing dinner and Yeva had yet to rear her head—thank god.

I reached into the pile to grab another card and looked over to see Dimitri at the kitchen table with a tiny spoon and jar in hand, speaking excitedly in Russian as he fed Karo's baby. I bit my lip, suppressing a laugh seeing him try his best to keep as much of the baby food in Zoya's mouth and off her face.

I focused back on the nail-biting game at hand, but became distracted by Paul's demeanor. I could tell he was enjoying our game and seemed pleasant enough, but he wasn't as spirited as his usual self. When he asked me to play cards with him, I half expected it to be an excuse to drill me with more questions, but he had been relatively quiet so far. I caught a glimpse of the same look Dimitri had worn in the gym and recognized that there was something Paul was hiding. It was astounding the number of similarities between the two of them and I couldn't help but picture Dimitri in this same room at his age, pouring through another western novel. I decided to try the same tactics as I did with his uncle, testing out the waters of how alike they truly were.

"What's on your mind little man?" He shot me a look that said he did not like being called little, but it quickly faded to something more somber. He let out a small huff and replied, "It's complicated."

I held in another giggle threatening to escape and cleared my throat to avoid offending him. "Well, Paul in case you haven't noticed 'complicated' is my middle name."

"It is? That's a strange middle name," he replied with a confused look pointed at me. I heard Eddie chuckle from behind me and shook my head. "It just means that I can probably relate," I explained. "So, spill."

He still wasn't fully convinced but his desire to get his worries off his chest won out. "It's Marina," he heavily sighed.

"Who's that? You guys have another sister," I teased.

"No!" Paul exclaimed with a disgusted look on his face. "She's in my class."

"Ah, I see. And what's wrong with Marina?"

"Nothing's wrong with her. She's perfect. She's the most beautiful girl in class and she is heaven." His dreamy look was so adorable I couldn't help but smile. "I'm in love and she doesn't even know I exist. It's torture," he groaned.

"Well, why don't you talk to her. Tell her how you feel?" His face shot up and he stared at me like I had two heads. "Are you crazy?! Didn't you hear what I said? She's the most beautiful girl in class!"

"If that's really the case, then you should definitely tell her." A frown formed on his face and he looked like he was about done with this conversation. "Girls, especially the pretty ones, like a guy with confidence. They want someone who's not afraid to say what they feel. Just walk right up to her like you own the room and make her see how lucky she would be to have a guy like you."

Paul thought about this for a second and rubbed his chin in concentration. "And she'll like that? She'll think I'm cool?"

"Definitely. There's nothing cooler than confidence. Just be honest with her," I told him. A cheerful smile spread across his cheeks and his mood exponentially lightened.

"Thanks, Rose. Maybe your middle name really is complicated." We both laughed, and I picked up another card off the ground replying,"You got that right, kid."

"Hey, Rose?" There was that slight hesitancy in his voice again.

"What's up?" I acknowledged his questioning tone while keeping my focus on my cards.

"Have you ever been in love?"

My heart stopped. I felt the color from my cheeks drain and a stone lump form in my throat.

"Someone as pretty and brave as you must have been in love tons of times." I looked over the top of my cards to see him smiling at me, but I couldn't return his contented gaze. My palms started to sweat so I put my cards down on the floor, while Paul laid there waiting for an answer.

"Just once," I finally managed to croak out, folding my arms underneath me.

"Wow, really? He must have been a huge badass," Paul gawked.

"Paul, watch your language. Just because you say it in English doesn't mean it's okay," Vika admonished him. He rolled his eyes at her and turned his attention back to me. He looked at me expectantly again and I just nodded in response. In that perceptive way of his, he noticed my abrupt change of mood and became much more serious than a 10-year-old should.

"Did he...did he die?" It wasn't unexpected for our kind to die at an early age; actually, it was more common than not, given our line of work, so it wasn't surprising that this was the first conclusion he came to.

"No," I replied softly. "But our love did." I had used up all my tears the day Lissa was taken. There were days after I lost her where my painful sobs turned into ash and dust as there was nothing left for my body to give. But now, I thought if there were any left, those pearly beads would spill out until they filled the ocean as I thought about my lost love. Paul lay there quietly for a moment, letting my morose words hang in the air before pulling his legs around and shuffling to a seated position. His shadow hovered over me, encasing me in the same darkness I once reveled in.

"Love doesn't die, Roza," hearing my Russian name was like a magnet, pulling my gaze from the floor to finally meet his. "It lives forever, within you. In here," he moved his hand from his lap and pointed to the place in my chest where my cold heart resided. Mark's words echoed in my mind once again:

Just because you are having to close off part of your mind...doesn't mean you have to close off your heart.

I knew there was truth in what they were both telling me, but how could I open my heart and still keep my promise to Lissa? Lissa.

She comes first. Lissa comes first.

I shot up from the ground in one swift movement and bolted out of the room and up the stairs, taking two at a time. My heart was pounding, and my mind was racing. Dimitri's room wreaked of his musky scent and it suddenly felt small—too small. In a desperate attempt to calm down I decided a cold shower would help clear my head, even if I had just taken one not more than an hour ago. I automatically slipped out of my shoes and tore off my jacket as the conversation between me and Paul repeated on a loop in my mind. I absentmindedly began taking off all my jewelry, starting with the Nazar around my neck. Love doesn't die, Roza. I frantically unhooked the Dragomir chotki Lissa had given me at Christmas, another grim reminder of my promise to her. It lives forever, within you. In here. I placed my hand on my chest, trying to feel the beat of my heart before ridding myself of the last small piece of jewelry. What if Paul was right? What if those feelings never left me?

Suddenly, I heard a metallic clamber on the bedside table pulling me from my panic attack. A spec of light caught something and pulled my focus to it. I could see a small silver circle slowly spinning on the mahogany wood surface at an eerily slow pace. I immediately shot my gaze to my right hand and frantically clutched the space where Oksana's ring used to reside. The swirling sound of metal against wood stalled to a painfully slow pace and everything in that moment seemed to match it. I reached my hand out towards it, feeling my blood turn to ice under my skin as the ring finally stopped spinning and shuddered to a still. I could almost feel it's cool surface brush my fingertips, but it was just out of reach. My body jolted and propelled back, my face shooting up to the ceiling as my mind was pulled from my own.

A long sigh hissed out of my mouth as Lissa tilted her head from the ceiling to straight ahead. There you arrrreee: her thoughts rang through the bond. The part of me that was desperate to get away was quickly being taken over and replaced by a longing to stay. I've missed you, Rose.

In our mind, her sweet voice sounded like it did before the attack. No longer tainted by the evil demon that had corrupted her soul. "I missed you Lissa," I said aloud.

"Hmmm," she hummed, pleased by my response. "Stay with me Rose. Find me. Join me. You can be so much more." A sickening feeling rolled through me as the familiar words slipped off her tongue. Her allusions shattered with every decayed word she spoke. The bond revealed my disdain without needing to voice it aloud, but to my surprise, Lissa remained completely calm. Rather than exploding or regarding me with annoyance, like she had before, she laughed revealing a sense that there was something she knew that I didn't.

I took in our surroundings for the first time and noticed we were in another extravagant bedroom, slightly different from the last one. We had been facing an open window framing a black sky, but Lissa turned our body in the other direction to reveal an entirely new scene. There was a pale shirtless man sitting in a gold plush chair with a dazed look on his face. As we walked closer to him I could smell that he was human. He looked drunk, his head lobbing from side to side, but the usual stench of alcohol exuding from him was missing.

Lissa rushed us to him with incredible speed and took a deep inhale, our face inches away from his. The savory scent flowed through me and my mouth started to water. "Doesn't he smell delectable?"

I tried to fight back. To push the desire to indulge away, but it was becoming completely overbearing. "Let me show you." Without warning, she grabbed him by the hair, yanked his head to the side, and sank her teeth into his neck. I expected a revolting taste of rust and death to ripple across our tongue—but I was wrong. So wrong. Sweet, resplendent power flooded my mouth...and I wanted more. Gulp after gluttonous gulp fueled the fire building within me and I felt like it could burn down entire cities. I gasped as the blood filled our veins, sending shockwaves through my entire body. I had never felt more powerful than I did in that moment. His blood was mine. He was mine. The world was mine.

The waves of blood slowed to a dull stream until eventually, it dried up to nothing. His warm body turned cold and slid limply out of our hands. Lissa licked our lips, savoring the last remains of insatiable delight and I felt left wanting. You could be so much more. Her whispered thoughts sang through the bond again and her grip on me finally subsided.

I felt someone jolt me by the shoulders and was pulled from the vision. I think someone said my name, but my mind was still fuzzy. I looked down at the hands in my lap as I sat on the bed, recognizing them as my own and started to become aware of my surroundings again. I could still taste the human's blood on my tongue and closed my eyes as I tilted my head back, remembering the sweet, succulent warmth as it cascaded down my throat. It poured power into me as it flowed through my veins, making me feel strong...empowered...invincible.

"Roza," it came out as more of a question than an acknowledgment. I turned towards the voice to see Dimitri's tall frame sitting beside me. I greedily raked my eyes over his gorgeous body, taking in his perfectly sculpted muscles. I slowly traced my eyes from his strong hand up his right arm until my sights rested on his chest. I was entranced by its heaving movement as he breathed in and out and raised my hand to touch it. When I placed my hand on him he covered it with his own and softly asked, "Rose, are you alright?"

I could feel his heartbeat under my touch and felt intense craving coursing through my entire body. His warm blood pulsing under his skin called to me and I needed a release. I needed him.

I gripped his shirt in my hand and pulled him to me with impassioned force. I felt his shoulders tense in immediate reaction to my aggressive ploy, but he quickly melted into my kiss, just as the human did under Lissa's bite. My body hummed with excitement as I realized his inability to resist me. I was hungry for more, the need for total control driving me forward. Our mouths crashed together; lips, tongues, teeth fighting for dominance. I released my hold on his shirt, allowing him to pull it over his head in one swift movement. He tangled his hands in my hair as I savagely raked my nails down his back. A light hiss escaped his lips and I smothered it with my own, curving my body into his.

Our time together in the cabin had been passionate, but it was nothing like this. That night was full of affection and adoration, a true expression of love. This was something else. It was pure lust. Hunger. Desperation.

I pulled us down to the bed, surprising Dimitri with my forcefulness as he fell on top of me. I vigorously latched on to every part of his body I could find, pulling him closer and closer to me until there was no space between us. I could feel a baritone groan rumble in his chest as I deepened our kiss and pulled at his soft hair. His body's reaction sparked the earlier desire for dominance and I flipped him over, straddling his waist. Our frenzied entanglement was more resembling sparring than it was love-making.

My loose hair created a lush blanket of waves over us as I leaned down towards his neck. I greedily ravaged his pulse point, kissing and nibbling the same spot I had just seen Lissa satiate through the bond. I bit down harder, remembering the feeling of that man's exquisite blood rushing into her mouth. Dimitri let out a troubled grunt in response and his body tensed up.

I loosened my clutch on him to make a move for my intruding shirt, giving him the opportunity to slightly pull away. My eyes were still fixated on his perfect body when he spoke, "Rose, are you sure about this? Is everything—" I interrupted his breathy sentiment.

"Shh. No talking." I commanded. I reached back down for him, but his reflexes were quick, and he flipped us over again, holding a firm position above me.

"Rose." His voice was sterner this time and less clouded by want. "What," I snapped back. Somewhat irritated I finally looked up to him. I felt like I was about ready to pounce again but with one look at his face, I was stunned still.

His dark eyes still held the same gleam of yearning and lust that mine had, but underneath there was more. I could see his deep, undying love for me in that moment combined with concern and endearment. The hunger that had temporarily consumed me began to dissolve under his loving gaze and my eyes immediately welled up.

Dimitri brushed away an escaped tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb and in one fluid movement he pulled me up into his lap, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my head in his chest as traitorous tears spilled from my eyes. I felt shame and disgust for letting the bloodlust completely take over me, and for how I had tried to use Dimitri as a means for some twisted form of empowerment. He continued to hold me tightly against him as I cried, soothingly whispering Russian phrases to me as he gently brushed my hair.

I felt our bodies lean slightly away from the bed as he reached for something. He righted our position and his hand came down to mine, carefully slipping the spirit ring back onto my finger. I felt the ping of its magic alleviate any lingering feelings Lissa had left me with—but was still too ashamed to look Dimitri in the eyes.

A/N: Well...that escalated quickly. Thanks for the guesses out there! As you can see this chapter has a new take on the Lust Charm Scene—or in this case, bloodlust charm.

Other than moments with our favorite couple, I also really enjoy creating these mini Romitri scenes through Paul. Nothing romantic (obviously, he's a child) but showing the similarities between him and his uncle and his ability to give Rose advice beyond his age gives her another perspective.

Lastly, I've been dying to use that Love Lockdown cover for a love/lust scene, so I'm super pumped about being able to cast it here. Hope you enjoyed the chapter...it was a doozy. Guest reader Sky, you asked me for an extra long update a while back so hopefully, this does the trick ;). Thanks for your reviews!