In the autumn, leaves were falling,
When I found a sight appalling,
Sight an Absol trodding closely, and I feared what it would bring,
Through the market I was walking,
Shiv'ring at its steady stalking,
Stalking close, and then I realized it was here the day before,
It would be there many more.
-Excerpt from Absolute and Nevermore by BunnyWings
Keldeo the Critic
Season 4 Episode 21- The Absol Danseuse by thatdragonwiththetophatcom
tinyurl: hbt3k5w
"Hello, I'm Keldeo the Critic, I review it so you don't have to," Keldeo said with less enthusiasm and more duty, "And. . . this is really weird. It's weird because this is a good fanfic, but I just don't want to review it. But because of. . ." Keldeo frowned and said, ". . . others, I find that I have no choice. I have to review The Absol. . . wait a minute. . ."
Keldeo got typed into his laptop and clicked a few times. He stared at the screen for a moment, then he shrugged and said, "The word means 'dancer'."
The Absol Danseuse By: thatdragonwiththetophatcom
This is the story of an Absol. This Absol is more than just an Absol. This Absol is the definitive greatest Pokemon Musical singer and actor to ever set paw in Nimbasa City. This is the story of how this Absol, an Absol who existed as a token for a poacher's cartel for years and years, was reborn as an actor. Was reborn as a singer. Was reborn as The Absol Danseuse.
Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Romance - [Absol, Serperior /Jaroda] Joltik, White - Chapters: 9 - Words: 39,449 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 14 - Updated:Jan 12 - Published: Feb 15, 2015 - Status: Complete - id: 11047547
"Now, I meant it when I said that this fanfic is good. It's really good. It's just that . . ." Keldeo sighed and shook his head in frustration, "The main character, he is so dramatic and exaggerated and sassy, he's so hard to take in, I just . . ." Keldeo began to crack a smile, "I just can't that anyone can be like this, I mean every other thing he says is a dramatic speech, he's constantly making quotes and references, he acts like he's constantly on stage I just-!"
Keldeo then burst out laughing and stomped his hooves repeatedly. Eventually he found his voice again and said, "Okay. Anyone who reads this would want to know where this character came from."
Keldeo gave a calm smile and said, "Luckily, the author tells us just that in an Author's Note."
That was just the first part of this Absol's story. Now, I just want to hand out some thank yous before we continue. Now, what I wanted to do was create a dynamic, engaging, compelling Pokemon OC that people would flock too. Now, I already knew I wanted to use an Absol ,and I probably would have ended up creating a character that would've been a mix of Garfield, Scooby-Doo, Nigel from Rio 2, Scar from the Lion King, Scrat from Ice Age, Stan from Dog With a Blog, Maximus from Tangled, Sven from Frozen, and various other characters I like. Now that probably would've been a disastrous mismosh. Luckily, I was able to get some help.
"And thank goodness for that!" Keldeo exclaimed, "A character like that would. . . I don't know, collapse in a violent implosion! Not an explosion, an implosion!"
An Aperture Science warning sign that read "In Case of implosion look directly at implosion" appeared.
Keldeo calmed down and went on, "But you know, it is quite remarkable. The author managed to create a composite character out of the influences and suggestions of other successful authors." Keldeo grinned sheepishly, "Matthais included!"
Thank you, Virizion 2.6, for coming up with the perfect name for him and for teaching me that a good character needs a good rival. Also, thank you for helping me decide on a title for the story.
Thank you, Jack Storm 448, for suggesting the comedy of melodramatic-ism and for teaching me that a good character needs a good partner.
Thank you, Matthais Unidostres, for teaching me about the power of fourth-wall humor and creative use of the narrator.
Thank you, Ryu Taylor the Ferret, for teaching me about the proper use of moral alignment for a character and how the "braggart" character train isn't necessarily a "negative" or "bad" trait in of itself.
Now, parts of my initial mismosh characterization plan did make it into the Absol's final version, but I did cut a bunch of character influences out, and the advice of these four magnificent writers helped me to clean things up a bit. So, once again, I offer a sincere thank you to all of them.
"But," Keldeo said loudly, "There is one question that we all need to ask: 'Does it all come together?'"
Keldeo breathed deeply in and out through his nose and said, "Well, you're about to find out. This is The Absol. . . Dancer."
This is a story about an Absol.
"NO SHIP-!" the Intoxiquer began, but Keldeo blasted him out of the way with Hydro Pump.
"Not worth it," Keldeo said.
It is NOT a story about the 16 year old president and manager of the BW Agency, inventor of the Pokemon Musical, and bearer of the prestigious title of "Dreamer." The mere act of being present in a story does not the star of a story make. Also, being the first character introduced in a story does not the star of a story make either.
"Oh, this story takes place in the Manga," Keldeo remarked, looking vaguely interested, "That's a very interesting idea. Personally I like the Anime better, but the Manga is just as good if you want to see different characters go through deeper story arcs."
"So the story begins with White and her Serperior Amanda helping Officer Jenny stop some poachers."
"The poachers are all boxed in that old warehouse up ahead," Jenny said, "They didn't expect us to sneak up on them from these woods. They were all focused on guarding the road leading out from Nimbasa City."
White smacked her right fist into her left palm and said, "Good! Now we can make them pay! No one spreads rumors that the BW Agency uses poached black market Pokemon and gets away with it!"
Officer Jenny looked slightly unsure and asked, "Um, are you sure you want to get into this? We have it all under control and we wouldn't want the president of the BW Agency to get hurt?"
White walked right past Officer Jenny with her nose in the air. "Huh! Puh-lease! When the good name of MY Agency gets threatened-
"EX - PO - SI - TION! EX - PO - SI - TION! RUSH IT OUT, AS - AP!" Keldeo and Munna sang.
Victini suddenly flew in and shouted, "Hey! You skipped over the part where she mentioned her Battle Subway training! We could've done the PeeWee Herman scream!"
Keldeo glared at Victini and said, "You're the one who got me into this review, and no matter how funny he is, I still have to revisit one of the most arrogant characters I've ever seen, so don't expect me to do you any favors!"
Victini pouted and flew away with a concerned Munna right behind him.
"So," Keldeo said, "We then head down into the poachers' lair where we meet. . . the sidekick."
In the basement of the poachers' hide out were cages containing the Pokemon they had ripped out of the wild. The Pokemon in the cages were all silent, either sleeping, meditating, and stewing in their own pity.
Across the concrete floor hopped one of the smallest Pokemon in existence. In search of energy, the Joltik hopped around the dark room, moving from cage to cage, hoping that there might be an Electric-type Pokemon around. The caged Pokemon paid no mind to the tiny Pokemon as it continued its search, moving from cage to cage in search of the food it craved.
The tiny Bug/Electric-type stopped in front of one of the cages to look around and get his bearings.
Then the broad, white furred paw came down on top of it. Three dark blue claws closed gently around the tiny Pokemon and lifted it up of the ground. The Joltik dangled in mid air as the three claws held one of it's four stumpy legs. The Joltik twisted its body around to look into the cage behind him, and was met by a dark blue feline face with the reddest of red eyes. On the left of the face; Joltik's left, the face's right; was a horn of the same color. On the right of the face; Joltik's right, the face's left; was a long tuft of the whitest of white fur. On the forehead, amid the white fur, was a dark blue oval.
"Okay, can I just address something here?" Keldeo said, "There are two camps of people when it comes to describing characters we are already familiar with. One camp would say that we already know what Absols look like, so unless this Absol has different physical features or is unique in someway, we don't need a description of what it looks like. The other camp would say that it's nice to see the effort of a description and allows the reader to get deeper into the story."
Keldeo smiled and said, "Now, I don't exactly identify myself with either of those groups, but I do feel that writing your own description of a character everyone is familiar with can help get across your unique perception of something that everyone has seen a million times, but it's still your unique take on it."
"So the Absol grabs the Joltik and. . . starts monologuing to him?" Keldeo said in confusion.
"Life's not fair, is it?"
The Joltik opened it's eyes slowly when it comprehended that the Absol had just spoken to him. The Absol was sitting on the floor of the cage like a Sphinx, with one fore-paw on the ground extending out from him, and the other up in the air holding the Joltik. The Joltik could just barely make out the sharp looking blade-like tail in the darkness of the cage. The Joltik also couldn't help but notice that the Absol had a far away look in his eye, as if he was mindful of an unseen observer, or many unseen observers. The Absol's mouth was neither smile nor frown, and his countenance was entirely wistful.
"You see," the Absol said to the Joltik, "I... well, I shall never be free. And you... shall never grow bigger than 4 inches tall." The Absol gave a laugh that was wry and humorless, "Hmm-hmm-hmm, shalom."
"Wow, this his first scene, and he's already showing what a ham he is," Keldeo said in amazement, although there's the hint of a laugh in his voice, "I wouldn't mind so much, except I think I know where this monologue came from! This is the monologue Scar gave to that mouse in The Lion King! Seriously, look!"
Scar: "Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Hmm-hmm-hmm, adieu."
"Well, biscuits! If you're gonna steal lines, there's a load more you could rip from!"
Absol: "I ate that Slowpoke's tail, with some Oran Berries and a Rare Candy. *slurpslurpslurpslurplslurp*"
"Also, did he just say 'shalom'?" Keldeo said in confusion, "Isn't that what the Jewish people say for 'peace'? I don't get it? Is he a Jewish Absol? Or is he just trying to be clever by saying something other than 'aideu'?"
Keldeo sighed and said, "Well, I suppose I better start another Rip Off Side Pot for him. At least this time the author admits he's ripping off other characters."
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 1 - Scar from Disney's "The Lion King"
"So, after his monologue, the Absol does. . . this. . ."
The Joltik was tossed out through the Pokemon-proof bars of the cage, across the room, and in through the Pokemon-proof bars of another cage. The Joltik quickly got up and looked around, quickly noticing the Ampharos snoozing inside the cage. The Joltik hopped up joyfully and proceeded to make a meal out of the Ampharos' unneeded extra electricity.
"Which I suppose is supposed to be an allusion to Aesop's fable The Lion and the Mouse," Keldeo proposed, "How do I know? Because the story tells us!"
The Absol's wry and humorless smile was replaced by a slightly smaller genuine one after performing his good deed for the day, and he settled back down to close his eyes.
Dora the Explorer: "Hey kids! Can you see the foreshadowing in this scene?"
Munna suddenly flew it and blasted Dora and Boots with Psywave.
"Only I get to make jokes about obvious foreshadowing!" Munna shouted angrily.
However, his catnap was over before it began when a stream of light uppercut him in the face. He opened his eyes as a human teenage girl, a human woman, a Serperior, and a Growlithe quickly entered the room.
White took a long look at the numerous cages filled with Pokemon. "Whoa. Those poachers sure got busy . . . ugh, that sounded wrong," White said with a shudder.
"Well, come on then. Let's get to work. We'll get the reports filled out, the BW Agency will be in the clear, and we can finally take care of all these Pokemon," Officer Jenny said as she looked around at all the cages.
"So the side characters come in and carry out all of the caged Pokemon, leaving us to hear a . . . very detailed explanation of who this Absol is as a character," Keldeo said, sounding intrigued.
The cartel the Absol had been purchased by was a very odd one, in that it would always try to hold onto at least one Absol. This was because the humans believed possessing an Absol would bring disaster to their competitors.
The star of this story entertained the possibility that something untoward had recently happened to the poachers, a small "disaster" if you will. He savored the irony for a bit, irony was something that fascinated him greatly, but then allowed himself to fall back into vague disinterest. It's what he usually did when he wasn't listening to whatever media came out of a poacher's radio when one of them stood guard outside a thin door or right amid the cages. It all depended on the poacher's current location, which was, by extension, his current location. Not too long ago, the Absol had gotten a good look at a television screen for a couple of days. He recalled a few episodes of various reality shows, bits and pieces of movies, parts of nature specials and other miscellaneous programs.
"Okay, this makes the second Absol I've seen who watches TV. But more importantly, this idea of using an Absol as a bad luck charm is an interesting concept I've never thought about," Keldeo mused, "It also shows how stupid those poachers were because that's not at all how an Absol's ability works!"
"Well, anyway, how about we get into one of the major plot points of this story, and this review: the Absol's personality."
As for the present, the star of this story was riding in his cage in the back of a large pick-up truck, with the cages of other Pokemon on top of and next to his cage. No one spoke, mostly because speaking during any sort of transport was never tolerated. It was a painful lesson to learn.
Of course, that didn't matter to our Absol, who was, in fact, not friends with any of his cell mates. They let each other know that, on no uncertain terms. This was not because the Absol was, for the lack of a better term, a bad Pokemon. Absol simply knew that he was a little too intellectual and, if he were honest with himself, which he was, too sassy to get along with just anyone.
The other Pokemon would always just call him a highbrow.
"I don't know," Keldeo said slowly, "I mean, yeah, the story does present him as a bit sassy, and I guess he's pretty smart. But he's more annoyingly pompous and dramatic than anything else, which makes me wonder why those aspects of him weren't addressed in this part."
"So, during all this, the Pokemon are being driven out into the forest to be released."
The pick-up truck had four wheel drive, so it moved easily through the forest. The vehicle soon stopped in a sunny clearing, causing most of the Pokemon to squint from the brightness, which had become alien to them.
The Absol watched as White and Officer Jenny began loading cages off of the truck. Amanda watched from the sidelines, not saying a word but looking on at the caged Pokemon with sincere pity and sympathy.
The Absol shrugged the look off, feeling that it was at least nice of her offer that out, even if he didn't need it. He instead focused his attention on the cage containing the Ampharos that the two humans were now setting down on the ground.
White opened the cage.
Our Absol did not blink.
Our Absol did not breath.
The Ampharos timidly stuck his head out and looked around. He looked up at White.
"Go on," the human girl said softly, wearing a friendly smile.
After second more of hesitation, the Ampharos quickly ran out of the cage and disappeared into the trees.
Our Absol has yet to blink.
Our Absol has yet to breath.
Our Absol coughs and gasps loudly from the effects of holding his breath for so long.
As more cages were opened by the 16 year old girl, the Absol made the decision to take deep breaths while keeping his eyes wide open. He figured more oxygen would help his brain to comprehend what he was witnessing right now.
"Wait, so let me get this straight," Keldeo said as he held up a forehoof, "We were just told how intellectual this Absol is, and we found out he's been listening to radio programs and watching television. But he didn't realize that they were being rescued and released? He didn't recognize Officer Jenny? How does that make any sense? He should have realized what was going on! Did he think White and Jenny were just other poachers? At least with Lucy she had been abused and betrayed by humans over and over again. In fact, if this guy was some kind of mascot, I'll bet that those poachers treated him a lot better than some of the other poor unfortunate souls they've captured! And no, I didn't think the breath holding joke was funny."
"So, it turns out that the Absol- oh forget it, we all know what his name is gonna be- it turns out that Austin is the last one to be realized."
After seeing all of his cell mates; which included an Oshawott, an Umbreon, a Riolu, a Meowth, a Charmander, and many others; run off into the wild, the Absol's metal cage was finally lifted from the truck and placed onto the organic ground. Absol quickly closed his dry eyes as his mind worked as fast as he could. He quickly formulated his performance, and opened his eyes and readied himself for the fateful moment.
"Performance? Oh, you're not serious, are you?" Keldeo asked in disbelief.
The Absol got up and stood evenly on all four paws. He leaned forward a bit and put his right fore-paw forward. The moment his shaky paw touched the grassy earth, he pulled it back slightly as if burned by it. He lowered his body as he followed through and fully stepped out of the cage, the long tuft of fur hiding his face from White and Officer Jenny. A small smirk graced the Absol's features as he placed all four paws on solid earth. An odd sound began to grow in the back of Absol's throat, and a vibration moved throughout his body. Then, in full view of the two humans, the Absol threw his head back and laughed uproariously.
White and Jenny stared at the Absol's dramatic laughter. The Absol then suddenly stopped laughing and turned to them, staring straight at them. After a tilt of the head and a raise of the right fore paw, he dashed off at top speed into the woods.
Keldeo rubbed his face with his left front fetlock and said, "Our hammy hero, ladies and gentlemen! What was even the point of that? What message was he trying to get across with this performance? That he's crazy?"
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 2 - Rhino from Pixar's "Bolt"
White stared after the Absol, and said to Jenny, "He was . . . "
"Bizarre," Jenny replied.
"No," White said with a shake of her head. She put a finger to her chin and said, "He was kind of like . . . the Pokemon at the Agency." White cracked a small smile. "Talented," she remarked.
"I say he's a ham," Amanda thought as she slithered over to White's side.
"I'm gonna be nice and say he's all three," Keldeo said with a smile.
"DID I JUST GET SAVED BY A HUMAN!" the Absol shouted without warning, freezing in mid-step with wide eyes. He balanced on front-left and rear-right paws as he considered what just happened to him. "
That human . . . came in," he said as he cantered backwards and stopped on all fours, "Took down the poachers." The Absol bucked the air with one rear leg. "And let us go- NO, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT!" he exclaimed.
The Absol sat on his haunches and placed both fore paws over his heart, "She gave me my life. She gave me freedom."
"Will you stop moving your body like that! You're reminding me of the villain from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2!" Keldeo exclaimed, looking quite annoyed.
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 3 - Chester V from "Cloud With a Chance of Meatballs 2"
"So then we get, and you won't believe this, another monologue from Austin, this time original, but really long and seriously hammy."
He stared into his left paw and spoke in soliloquy,
Keldeo rolled his eyes, "Ugh. Oh, sorry. It's a soliloquy. My mistake."
"How many years has it been since I was of the wild? A free spirited child of the wilderness with a family to accompany me? I know stand here with all my instincts forgotten, and the lessons of my parents either forgotten as well or never learned to begin with." He frowned and said in a fed up voice, "What the heck, am I even in the same Region anymore?"
He then looked into his right paw and continued his slow soft-spoken spiel, "Yet, what have I been blessed with? A human. A Pokemon Trainer I believe. A pure-hearted Trainer. A Trainer like that is the doorway to a new life for a Pokemon like me." While still staring into his right paw, he closed his left paw and placed it back over his heart. "A Pokemon like me . . ." he repeated with a gallant smile. Then, he leapt into the air like an acrobat, and landed on all fours. Without missing a beat, off he ran back the way he came.
. . . . . Look Absol, either you can't take a hint or you're not fully comprehending the implications of what you're doing. There is no story in being some human's Pokemon. The real story is back the other way, in the wild.
"Oh yeah, I should probably mention that throughout this part, the narrator seems to keep trying to get Austin to do what he wants him to do," Keldeo remarked.
. . . . . Look Absol, either you can't take a hint or you're not fully comprehending the implications of what you're doing. There is no story in being some human's Pokemon. The real story is back the other way, in the wild.
He skidded to a halt when he reached the area he was released at. The truck was gone, but the tire tracks were still there, as plain as day. He aligned a fore-paw at the start of one of the tracks, bent his neck down, and put his nose to the deep tracks. Sniffing deeply all the way, the Absol followed the tracks.
Oh, Absol. . . I am quite sure that I made it very clear that this is a story about an Absol. This story is about YOU. It is NOT about that human girl or her Serperior. We don't need the great, famous, heroic White the "Dreamer" getting in the way with her tragic love-story baggage. Nor do we need any humans here at all, so why don't you think about this one last time and see if you can't come to any sudden realizations.
"Look, I know the Stanley Parable is a masterpiece, I referenced it a lot during my review of Mew's Stupid Adventure. And I also know that fourth wall breaking narrator humor was Matthais' idea, but you think you're being a bit to blunt with it?" Keldeo said desperately, "If you went any further you might as well have called this The Austin Parable!"
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 4 - Stanley from "The Stanley Parable"
The Absol suddenly stopped in mid-step and mid-sniff. He raised his head and blinked as a sudden realization came to him.
Oh, thank Arceus, you are willing to listen to me.
As the thought grew and grew in his mind, the Absol felt the need to express it out loud. "Why am I sniffing these tire tracks for?" he asked incredulously, staring down at the deep marks in the ground. "Seriously, what's the point? In fact, what's the point in sniffing pawprints or footprints or any other kind of track? The tracks are gonna lead you to who you're following anyway, so all you need are your eyes. It seems like a waste of time and energy to be sniffing along like that when all you really need are your eyes."
. . . . Alright, fine, go ahead Absol. If you really want to restart your life as some Trainer's Pokemon, then don't let me stop you. In fact, I'm actually all for it now. She must really mean a lot to you, and it can't be due to her status as one of the two Heroes of Unova, because you don't even know what Region this is, or what Team Plasma
Bridgekeeper: "Get on with it!"
Tim: "Yes! Get on with it!"
Army: "YEAH! GET ON WITH IT!"
So please forgive my interruptions, let us get back into the story good and proper, I promise.
His point made, our Absol continues to follow the tracks which should lead him to the human girl he had taken a shine to.
"*Sniff-Sniff!*-Oh gosh, look at me-*Sniff-Sniff!*-I can't stop-*Sniff!*-No, I can't resist-*Sniff-Sniff*-What compels a creature-*Sniff!*-to sniff the ground when following a trail-*Sniff!*-that he can clearly see?*Snifffff!*"
"How long can a character milk one joke?" Keldeo asked in amazement.
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 5 - Maximus from "Tangled"
"So Austin finally catches up with White, and because he really is extremely vain, tries to come up with a way to win her over."
White smiled and tossed five Pokeballs into the air. "Come on out, everyone!"
With a flash, a Dererling, a Vulaby, a Stunfisk, an Alomomola, and a Solosis appeared around the berry tree.
"Huh, so all of White's Pokemon are in the story. Okay, this fanfic has potential now," Keldeo mused.
With his back against the big tree, the Absol took a deep breath and put his paws together. "Okay. So she's already impressed me. Now I need to impress her." He dropped back down to all fours and thought on his feet. "Let's see . . . maybe . . . an out of the ordinary skill?"
In one fluent motion, the Absol pushed off the ground with his front legs and stood erect on his rear paws. His tail positioned itself in just the right way to balance the Absol's bipedal position. The Absol's back was straight, and he barely even wobbled as he stood in a position very unnatural for a quadruped. Yet, the Absol was perfectly comfortable standing on two feet. Crossing his fore legs in front of him, he said aloud as if talking to someone else, "Yes, you like this, don't you? I'm supple and I know it."
Keldeo gently pushed the scene off to the side and said, "Yeah, I have a few things to say about this, but I'm going to save it for later."
The Absol stood beaming into space for a moment, then shook his head rapidly and fell back down to all fours. "No, too soon in the relationship. I'd be better off saving my talents so I can wow the entourage later. Better start with the human first, that's who matters at the beginning. Now, what do human girls like?"
Yakko: "Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!"
"No, no, nothing like that. Austin just grooms himself a bit and then walks out to the group and. . ." Keldeo let out a loud breath and said, "Put on the most shameful display I've ever seen."
The girl noticed the pure white furred Pokemon within seconds, and was immediately captivated by him.
"It's you," White said as the Absol slowly approached her.
The Absol stepped lightly through the grass, looking around timidly with wide eyes while making soft, pitiful noises. He glanced at all the Pokemon surrounding him, and they all returned the glance. They were all curious of the newcomer, with the exception of Amanda. The Serperior regarded the Absol with loathsome disgust. The Absol in turn made a show of wilting under the Serperior's gaze, and moved its paws faster towards White.
"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," White remarked as the Absol closed the distance between them. "You certainly had a dramatic exit," she said with a smile.
The Absol gave a small smile in return and cocked his head sideways. He then made a show of lifting his head up slightly while sniffing the air zealously. He leaned forward a few inches, and his legs gave way, making him fall flat on his stomach. The Absol's face was the picture of dejection as he rolled over onto his back and laid a paw on his stomach.
"Oh, I see. You're hungry," White said as she reached into her bag.
The Absol nodded gravely.
Keldeo thought for a moment, then he said sadly, "You know, I feel bad for all the kids who're stuck with that downer Mystery Incorporated show and that stupid and horribly animated Be Cool, Scooby Doo show, because the original Scooby Doo Where Are You? by Hannah-Barbera was one of the genuinely, innocnently, cleverly funny shows ever made."
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 6 - Scooby Doo from "Scooby Doo Where Are You?"
"(Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!)" Amanda exclaimed, thrashing her tail around in frustration, "(Look around! Big forest! Lot's of berries! Lot's of mushrooms! He's all ham and no brain!)"
Keldeo let out a laugh and said, "Okay, now I think this fanfic is going to be fun." Keldeo stood up straight and explained, "Let me be serious here. Austin being extremely impulsive, sassy, arrogant, whatever can actually be a good thing if, and only if, he is paired with one 'straight man' character or more. It's important have at least one character stand up to the smug character and but heads with him. Even if the straight man never wins, it's funny to see the frustrated reaction of the straight man trying to take down their rival. That's how comedy works. It's misery that we can relate to and laugh off without cringing too much. So Amanda playing the 'straight 'Mon' here is a kind of a promise that this story will balance out Austin's overconfident and pompous nature very well."
"Anyway, back in the story, it turns out that in spite of Amanda's objections, Austin charms White into taking him in."
The Absol rolled over and adopted his Sphinx position as White approached him with one of the Pecha Berries and the bottle of Moomoo Milk. He quickly ate up the Pecha Berry when White handed it to her, but was a little wary of the glass bottle.
"Go on, drink it up!" White said with a friendly laugh in her voice, "It's real good, I promise."
The Absol almost stuffed his nose into the bottle in order to sniff at it, then he put his mouth to the bottle and drank some. In what seemed like an instant, the Absol lashed out with both fore paws and snatched the bottle from White. He held the bottle of Moomoo Milk up to his mouth as he rolled onto his side and began chugging down the drink.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, throughout the story Austin seems to have a thing for Moomoo Milk," Keldeo said, sounding a little unsure, "Which kinda makes sense, I suppose. I mean, Absols are cats, right?"
"You are a gorgeous Pokemon!" White exclaimed gleefully.
"I'd actually prefer 'handsome' or 'pulchritudinous', but I suppose gorgeous is acceptable," the Absol thought to himself.
Scootaloo: "What are you, a dictionary?"
White took out a Pokeball and said, "Well then, you're going to need a nickname. How about . . . Austin! Do you like that name?"
Austin the Absol nodded his head enthusiastically with a boyish expression on his face, filled with child-like innocence.
"Welcome to the team, Austin!" White said as she tapped the Pokeball to the top of Austin's head.
Austin was immediately sucked into the Pokeball. It shook three times, and with a click, it was done.
"Alright! Come on out, Austin!" White cheered as she jumped up and tossed the Pokeball.
The Pokeball opened with a flash of light, and Austin reappeared on the ground. The difference was nearly mind boggling. Austin was no longer the picture of child-like innocence. He also wasn't exactly as cute looking as he was before. It was all in the way he was now presenting himself, as well as his new mode of body language. He was once again lounging on the ground, this time on his left side. White suddenly felt as if she were staring at one of the BW Agency's ads for Pokemon Shampoo. Austin head was resting on its left paw, and his right leg was bent slightly. He gave a cheeky wave to White with his right paw, and then turned to Amanda and said, "(I am a smooth operator, am I not?)"
"Amanda. . ." Keldeo said in a deadpanned tone.
Amanda let out an angry shout as she surged forward, swinging her heavy tail at Austin. He dodged the attack smoothly by rolling out of the way and jumping back up on his feet. He turned to the other five Pokemon and bowed.
Amanda was about to summon up a Leaf Storm to wipe the smug look of Austin's face when White ran up in front of her and waved her arms frantically. "Stop! Stop! Amanda, please calm down! Don't you know a gifted actor when you see one!"
Amanda gave a perfect deadpan expression in response to this.
White turned to Austin with a knowing smile on her face. She wagged a finger at him and said, "Don't you think for a minute that I don't know what you've been doing. I know sass when I see it. I also know a gifted actor when I see it. You might even surpass Gigi! I know the perfect place for you, but you gotta follow along with what I say and put extra effort in honing your natural gifts. Okay, Austin?"
"Okay, credit where it's due. It's really clever of White to acknowledge Austin's personality and decide to channel it into something constructive," Keldeo remarked, looking pleased.
Austin looked up and thought, "Follow along with her? Heh, that's what I had planned to do, albeit in my own unique way. Surely, she'd be okay with that. And if 'actor' means doing more of the stuff I just did, then that's the life I want. As long as there will be more of that sweet, rich, pure, cold Moomoo Milk. Oh, the feel of it down the throat. Like angelic balm that descended from the heavens to soothe bare skin, that drink is to the mouth, tongue, and throat. A subtle sweetness and richness brings euphoria to the body. Oh, Moomoo Milk, I sing your praises . . . Wait, did I forget to nod to the human? Am I just standing here staring into space with a smile on my face? I'd mourn for my dignity if I hadn't
Army: "YEAH, GET ON WITH IT!"
"Is he going to go on long monologues during the entire story!?" Keldeo complained.
"(You are an Absol. Absols predict disasters. When is the disaster going to happen?)"
Sally the Solosis, who was actually a male,
"You can't make this stuff up, people," Keldeo said, "If you think a guy named Sally is crazy, just take a look at the character Tithi from Beyblade Metal Fight."
floated backwards as the group moved on towards Nimbasa City. He kept a constant distance from Austin and focused directly on the Absol as he spoke to him.
Austin stopped walking and slowly put his left paw to his forehead. He sighed and shook his head somberly, eyes closed. "(You know, I am tired. I'm so tired. Why can't you see that if one has the ability to do something, that does that mean that the ability is being used every waking hour. Your flawed logic would suggest that if all disasters were to one day cease, then the entire Absol race would drop dead. You assume; in fact, many Pokemon and people assume; that an Absol is some kind of secretary for a kind of 'Natural Disaster Agency' that exists in some sort of astral plane above the Earth)"
Austin attitude suddenly changed and his countenance brightened up. With a comical smile and derped eyes, he moved his left paw in a knocking motion, as if there were a door in front of him.
"(Knock-knock! Enter please! A flash flood that will wash away an entire farm and cause the farmer to loose everything? Yes, I see, you have an appointment. The director will see you now. Knock-knock! Come in! Earthquake? What seems to be the problem? You have a conflict with a tsunami happening on the same day? Might I suggest taking advantage of your common nature and consolidating? Consolidation is one floor down. Knock-knock! Bo hena! An asteroid? Sorry, but I'm afraid ending the world has already been taken by another party. Jesus reserved it and set the date personally to make sure it happens after His second visit. Surely you understand that there would be no point in visiting a world that's been destroyed and void of life. Anyway, an asteroid clearly isn't His style. So loose some weight or crash into some other planet, like Jupiter, it's so big not even you could miss it!)"
Keldeo stared numbly for a while, then he said, "On one hoof, he just referenced a scene from Macbeth. . ."
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 7 - Comic Relief Door Scene from "Macbeth"
". . . but on the other hoof, he made a joke out of the Apocalypse. I . . . am gonna skip it," Keldeo said quickly.
"So then Austin has a scene with White's Vullaby, who always plays the villain in Pokemon Musicals."
"(Not bad)," she commented, "(You're quite the character. White is smart to give you a shot as a performer in a Pokemon Musical, just like me. Uh-huh, that's right. I'm an actress. A star. Big time! Feel free to worship me if you want)."
Austin huffed and laid down on his stomach with his forelegs crossed. "(White says that I should be in these 'Pokemon Musicals.' I'd rather not go against her)" Using a claw, Austin carved an infinity symbol in the dirt and traced it over and over as he spoke a monologue, "(In spite of the futility of a Pokemon Musical, in which Pokemon sing their hearts out in front of a crowd of humans who can't understand a single word, I'd rather not go against her. White looked at me, and she saw talent, ability, and destiny inside my soul. That is why, in the face of pointlessness . . .)" Austin used all three claws to scratch out the infinity symbol, "(. . .I spit the words 'For White!' at it to make my own meaning for the meaningless!)"
Keldeo's eyes lit up and he leaned in closer, then he snapped out of whatever he had fallen into and said, "Okay, in spite of all his faults, Austin is the very picture of eloquence. Sure, he's so talkative, and he breaks into monologues and soliloquies, but the things he says are so awesome and meaningful, maybe they're a little self centered, but they're just so nice to look at and have some honest to goodness emotion to them."
Keldeo sighed and said, "But, if I stop to comment on every one of Austin's speeches this review will be waaaaay too long." Keldeo grinned and said, "So how about we move on to a Little Shop of Horrors reference!"
Barbara flared her wings suddenly and declared, "('Humans who can't understand a single word' my skull covered rear! Those audiences know exactly what we're trying to get across! I walk on stage and they hear, 'Major villain here!' That's right, I'm the best Pokemon Musical Villain Actor there is! The Villain Song is MY song! I'm mean, unclean, and I am BAD!)"
"But to be fair, Barbara's right. A human audience can get a lot out of a Pokemon Musical," Keldeo said with a nod.
Barbara was standing furiously over Austin, breathing heavily with eyes blazing at him.
Austin merely stared back at her. He slowly shook his head as he lifted his left paw and gently tapped Barbara's beak closed with his center claw. "(You are a sad, strange little Pokemon, and you have my pity)," Austin said in the most convincingly earnest voice he could muster.
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 8 - Buzz Lightyear from "Toy Story"
Barbara screeched and proceeded to unleash a Fury Attack barrage with her beak. However, Austin's eyes turned green from the effects of Detect, and he quickly moved his head up twice, down twice, and left and right twice to dodge the frenzied pecks.
Barbara let out an enraged shriek, but was then pulled back into her Pokeball by White.
"I'm sorry Austin, but you need to try to be a little nicer and humbler. Especially around Barbara," White said sternly, "Let's just say there's a reason why she's always cast as the villain.
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna shouted as she flew by, performing a loop-de-loop to boot, "Woo-hoo! That feels better!"
Come on, we gotta get to Nimbasa City so you can see a Pokemon Musical rehearsal!"
Austin rolled his eyes as he stood up and muttered, "(She is so unaware of half of what's going on. Good thing this isn't her story)"
"Yeah, he also breaks the fourth wall, because why the hay not?" Keldeo said impatiently, "He's awesome at everything he does, but I'll get to that a little later. Add it to the list of thing I'm gonna get to later underneath 'standing on his hind-legs.'"
The group soon arrived at Nimbasa City and were headed towards the Musical Theater.
"Look Austin! Isn't it amazing!" White said as she pointed at the large purple Pokeball music note that flashed with neon light.
"(Did nothing of interest really not happen during the time it took to get here?)" Austin said absentmindedly, "(Well, okay, let's just go with it)"
Keldeo narrowed his eyes in frustration and said, "I already acknowledged your fourth wall breaking, come on, let's go!"
The stage itself was wide, with its red curtains drawn and stage lights high above along the ceiling. It had the backdrop of what appeared to be the inside of a music shop with a big window and various musical instruments.
With widened eyes, Austin shakily raised his left paw and reached out to the stage. "(I hear a voice you cannot hear, which says I must not stay)," he said in an impassioned loud stage whisper, "(I see a hand you cannot see, which beckons me away)"
Keldeo wrinkled his snout and said, "Is that part of a famous poem or something? I ask that because I smell plagiarism. Come on, cite your sources!"
"Well, anyway, everyone comes in to watch a rehearsal for a musical called It's a Good Old Sunny Day, which seems to be a parody of In the Good Old Summertime."
From stage left walked a female Tepig with a bow on her head. She smiled a gave a quick curtsy, her long ears and curly tail bouncing as she did so.
"(This is an actress?)" Austin said in disapproval, and in a rather loud voice, "(A tiny little Pokemon with an unappealing snout?)"
"(Austin, do you see this tail?)" Amanda hissed as she held her tail up to Austin's face.
"(Yes)"
"(Well this tail's going right down your throat if you don't keep your mouth shut.)"
Keldeo burst out laughing for a bit, then he said, "I'm sorry. That just sounded so funny to me. I don't know why, it was just so funny!"
"So yeah, enter Gigi! One of the main Pokemon characters in the Black and White Manga. She gives us a pretty nice introduction into the Pokemon Musical profession."
A Yamask and Vanillite come in from stage left and joined Gigi on stage.
Gigi was singing the main lyrics while the other Pokemon accompanied her and echoed some of the lines.
"(To Surf in the pool,
Drink Soda Pop so cool, (So refreshing and cooooooool)
Good old Sunny Day;
Play "Ring Around the Rosie,"
Roll around in the posies, (They smell so sweeeeeet)
Good old Sunny Day,
Those days full of pleasure
We now fondly treasure, (So full of pleasure and treasure)
When we never thought it a crime,
To stuff ourselves with Poffins,
Fill our bellies with sweet stuffin', (Mmmmm! Ahhhhhh!)
Good old Sunny Day)"
Gigi was twirling around the set as the other Pokemon surrounded her, also expressing the joy in their hearts. The Yamask was dancing along with the Vanillite, moving in a circle, occasionally breaking up to orbit around Gigi. The two Pokemon would also occasionally use Round to add to the music.
"That's a very good description of what a Pokemon Musical is like. It really puts a nice picture into your mind," Keldeo remarked with a smile.
"She's good. She's 'got it' for sure. But . . .not enough." Austin got up from his sitting position, a smile growing on his face. "But I 'got it' much more than she does. . . time to prove it."
Austin was about to make his move when he felt something tickling his left fore paw. He looked down, and was very surprised to see the Joltik he had met not too long ago standing on his paw.
"(What are you doing here?)" he asked the tiny Pokemon in genuine interest.
The Joltik innocently blinked it's four blue eyes up at Austin, staring intently at up at him.
Austin lifted his paw up closer and gave the Joltik a good looking over. "(Yes, you're the same one alright. Come to inform me that the prediction you heard me make before was half wrong, I suppose)"
The Joltik clicked its mandibles a few times.
"(Hmmmm . . .)" Austin said. The Absol looked up at the stage lights up on the ceiling. The smile he had gained before returned, and this time grew even bigger than before. He held the Joltik up closer to his face and whispered, "(Hey. You can jump high and climb up walls, right?)"
The Joltik nodded.
"(Okay. Would you mind helping me out with a little something? I'll make it worth your while)" Austin said confidently.
Keldeo then asked, "Okay, so, we have Austin, a confident, sassy, boastful, kinda self-centered Pokemon who likes making big impressions. So, what do you think a Pokemon like this, who's clearly interested in the theater, would do-?"
In the good old Sunny- AAAAAH!)"
So much had happened so fast. The stage lights that illuminated the stage suddenly went out with an audible electric buzz. Austin made a daring lightning quick jump onto the stage. Gigi was forced into exiting stage-right by a buck from Austin's rear paw.
"Was anyone surprised by this," Keldeo asked, sounding very unsurprised himself, "So, after Austin does that, everyone else-"
Austin, you FOOL! That's critically acclaimed Pokemon actress Gigi Tepig! Her extensive filmogrpahy includes wellknown titles such as Holding the Moon Stone, Sunny, Followed by Hailstorms, Surfing IV, Touring Unova with Tornadus, and Calcium Man: The Movie. You cannot simply kick an actress of her caliber around like that! Well, no risk, no reward . . . I suppose.
Keldeo rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, sorry, the narrator has to simultaneously rant and give out exposition first. So after that, everyone else is pretty much shocked and appalled by this. Luckily, Austin seems to have a secret weapon."
"What's the meaning of this!" the Director shouted in anger.
"AUSTIN!?" White exclaimed in disbelief.
The other Pokemon stared at the Absol in awe, except for Amanda, who simply laid still with a smug look on her face, waiting to see what would become of Austin.
"Time to steal the show. A capella style," Austin thought confidently to himself.
Then, with a quick push off with his front paws, Austin was standing on two legs.
Keldeo pulled out the scene of Austin standing on his hind-legs from earlier and said, "Okay, now's the time for me to say a few things about this. But they can all be pretty much summed up in two words: so what!?"
White and the Director, who were in the process of getting up and taking back control of the situation, were stunned into frozen shock when they saw the Absol standing perfectly balanced on it's hind legs, looking every inch naturally bipedal.
Keldeo looked on with wide eyes and said with fake amazement, "Wha-I-Uh-Well, I guess it is kind of amazing! I mean, can science explain this? An Absol on his hind legs? It just...it never happens! I mean, if you thought a Meowth that can talk, invent a baton that can mind control Pokemon with music, and survive getting repeatedly blown up and thrown off cliffs was something, then get ready to have your mind blown! This Absol is on his hind legs!"
KA-BOOOOOM!
GLaDOS: "Sarcasm Sphere destroyed."
"This wouldn't bother me so much if Austin hadn't physically attacked a performer on stage and hijacked her performance. I know Austin isn't supposed to be exactly a paragon of morality, but here he kinda comes off as a kind of a-" Keldeo frowned and shook his head and said, "No, not a kind of a, a HUGE jerk!"
"But since White and the Director are so spellbound by an Absol that can stand on it's hind legs, Austin takes his chance to rip off Rio 2."
Austin put on a face wracked with intense emotion as he put his fore paws over his heart and sang softly.
"(At first, I was afraid,
I was petrified.
I lost my family and my freedom,
My hope nearly died.
I spent so many nights thinking how those humans did me wrong,
But I grew strong,
And I learned how to get along...)"
Up on the bars that the stage lights hung off of, was the Joltik. Knowing that was his cue, the Joltik used Discharge to turn on the lights on either side of him. The center light turned off, and the other two lights shone down on Austin at angles.
Austin fell forward and landed with all four paws on the ground and starting moving forward to the edge of the stage in stalking manner with a slightly sinister smile as he started singing much stronger and louder than before.
"(And now I'm back,
On the attack.
I'm here to really flack myself,
Immune to foolish flak.
Yes, I couldn't pick that lock,
One special human was the key,
I never would've guessed,
I'd be your kind to set me free)"
*Ding!*
Rip Off Side Pot: 9 - Nigel from "Rio 2"
"Yeah, keep in mind that he's singing without music right now, and if a person were to just sing a song without the music, no matter how good the song is, it would kinda sound . . . weird," Keldeo said slowly, "I mean, the music plays a huge role in making someone's singing sound good. The beat of the drums, the energy of the instruments, you can't just start singing and expect it to sound good. That's what kinda sours things in this fanfic. Since we're reading, there's never any music, so the reader simply thinks about the music of the song as they read automatically, assuming they know the song. And since I Will Survive is a popular song, I guarantee most people will think of the music, or even think of the scene from Rio 2. And since the story doesn't acknowledge how awkward singing without music can sound, it kind of helps Austin cheat his way through this scene. The only impressive part so far are the lights, but that's all Joltik's doing."
Keldeo held up a forehoof and said, "But of course, singing is only half of the performance, and the title of the story is The Absol Dancer. So, how is his dancing?"
Austin then put his front paws on the ground and pushed himself up into a front paw stand, his rear legs kicking the air as he spun on one paw, his head upside down.
"(Oh no, not I!
Yes, I survived!
As long as I knew how to move
I knew I'd stay alive
I've got all my life to live,
And I've got all my sass to give!
And I survived
Yes, I survived)"
Austin then gave a strong push and propelled himself into the air in an amazing flip. As the Joltik jumped around, zapping the lights on and off and using Stringshot to pull them into the right angles, he got so caught up in the performance that he let out a loud Round to the tune of Austin's song.
"It's. . . surprisingly good," Keldeo said as he leaned forward, invested.
Yamask and Vanillite hadn't moved an inch when Austin had hijacked the stage. They too were caught up in the Absol's singing and dancing. The Joltik's Round was all they needed to finally let go. They too let out Round to accompany Austin's performance.
Austin stuck a perfect landing on his hind legs and stood up on them once again. Emboldened by the fact that he no longer had to sing A capella, Austin really let loose and he further launched into his song. He extended his forelegs and flexed their muscles, then turned profile and threw punches like at Hitmonchan at the air next to him, occasionally shuffling backwards across the stage.
"(I'm a survivor,
The power of a Tyranitar,
My Type may be Dark, but my soul's on Fire,
A Disaster Mon's here, but times aren't dire,
Catch you off guard with sudden Sucker Punch, like GOAL!
You've never seen a Absol,
Punching and swinging and spinning and singing all day long?
And check out what I can do with a Perish Song)"
Austin immediately dropped back down to all fours as Joltik turned off all but one lone spotlight that shone down on him. The Absol daintily lifted his left paw and threw his head back, unleashing the most amazing Perish Song that those present had ever heard. Although the sound echoed throughout the theater, the actual attack rose straight up and hit the ceiling, where it dissipated harmlessly.
Everyone in the building; White, the director, the people in the back row, and nearly all the Pokemon were in awe of the impassioned tones, all of which were in perfect pitch and key, of Austin's Perish Song.
Suddenly frustrated, Keldeo stomped his hooves and said, "Okay, now for the second thing I wanted to save for later. Austin is kinda too good at everything he does, and everything seems to just fall into place for him too often. I already talked about how the story can't get across the concept of A capella singing, and now it turns out that he doesn't really have to, although a bunch of Pokemon using round isn't the same as an orchestra full of musical instruments. But now he's somehow using Perish Song and it doesn't hurt anyone. . . huh?"
Austin performed a bunch of leaps and two sideways flips where he faced the audience, and the turned sharply so he was facing away from the audience. He used this moment to wave flick his tail haughtily.
"(Go on, now go!
Walk out the door!
Just turn around now...
It is I who have the floor!
The stage, the lights, the theater is my destiny!
Did they think I'd crumble?
That I'd yield to eternity?)"
"Speaking of eternity, this musical number kinda goes on a little too long. . ." Keldeo remarked tentatively.
Austin fell flat to the ground. With well thought out timing, purposeful muscle movements, and subtle twitches; Austin slowly lifted himself off the ground as he sang.
"(If you try to knock me out, I'll just come back stronger
If you try to cut me short, I'll just come back longer
No Pokeball con contain this, Pocket Monster
Give me my throne, I am ready to thrive
one thing I know,
I have survived!)"
Austin threw his body back and landed on his haunches with a bump, now in a sitting position. All the lights had turned off again. One spot light shone down on the lone Absol on stage. His eyes closed and his breathing heavily, Austin slowly raised his arms as he sang his finally line.
"(Yes - I - sur - vived...)"
All the lights flashed on suddenly like fireworks.
Everyone in the room burst into applause, with exception of Gig and Amanda; and Barbara too, who was still in her Pokeball, but she probably wouldn't have applauded for Austin anyway.
White ran squealing over to Austin, words failing her as she tried to find a way to respond to what she had just witnessed. The Director was a bit more vocal.
"OH MY GOSH! INCREDIBLE! INSURMOUNTABLE! You're gonna go far, kid! You are gonna go far! What's ya name? Austin, right? Well, that's good, but it's need a little more. Maybe a last name? Austin Saturn sounds good, cause you got Pokemon orbiting around ya like rings!"
The other applauding Pokemon had gathered around the Absol as well. The people in the back row were still giving a standing ovation.
Austin simply sat at the spot, still on his haunches, intermittently licking his left paw and using it to re-groom his large ruff of fur and his thick tuft of hair.
He acknowledged the surrounding adoration and responded nonchalantly, "(Yes, I know. I'm a prodigy. Now, if you want to show your appreciation, how about a few bottles of Moo Moo Milk. Make sure they're chilled)"
"At least he's not rambling about hot dogs," Keldeo muttered.
During all this, Amanda slithered silently onto the stage and off to the side where Gigi was still lying down, a look of dejection and envy still on her face. The Tepig looked up at the Serperior with vague interest, her depression and disillusionment with her own profession dulling her senses.
Amanda looked Gigi in the eye and said, "Hey . . . you like revenge right?" Amanda suddenly smiled mischievously and said, "Oh, of course you do. Everybody likes revenge. So, let's discuss revenge plans!"
"Ah yes, now the straight Mons are going to do something. What a breath of fresh air," Keldeo said with a smile, "Speaking of fresh air, I thing we all need a break. We'll be right-."
"Wait a minute!" Victini said as he flew in quickly, "You can't take a break now! How will you finish this before Absol Month ends?"
Keldeo frowned and hung his head, "I'm sorry, Victini, but this was another reason why I didn't want to review this story. I couldn't finish it by the end of the month."
Victini blinked his eyes slowly, staring down at Keldeo long and sadly. Then, he gasped as an idea occurred to him. "Oh my gosh, Keldeo! I got it! Remember when we talked about framing devices and set ups before the Absol Academy Award show!" Victini said.
"Of course. That's what landed me in this mess," Keldeo said miserably.
"Well, why don't we use that here!" Victini said.
Keldeo lifted his head and looked at Victini directly. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"The Nostalgia Critic is having trouble with YouTube, and has to split all of his review in half, right?"
"Yeah. . ."
"So, as a matter of principle, you're splitting your review in half too! Even if it means your review will extend Absol Month in February!"
Keldeo blinked in amazement, then he said slowly, "That's. . . actually not a bad idea. . ." Keldeo grinned, "I like it!"
Victini nodded and flipped joyfully, "Aw yeah! Great! So. . ." Victini turned to the Fourth Wall and said, "Everybody got that. . . Good!"
Keldeo the Critic
We'll be right back. . .