Hey guys! I'm trying ago update as quickly as possible! Don't own anything

Austin's POV (two weeks later)

"Daddy!" Ari yells and I give her a week smile. "Hey Ari" I say and pause. "ana. Ariana. Sorry..." I whisper to her and a tear falls from her eye. "I'm sorry... I didn't know that you actually..." She looked down in embarrassment, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and a sob coming from her throat. "It's not your fault Ar. It's-" she cuts me off quickly. "We all know it is. Everyone needs to stop lying and treating me like I'm broken. I'm not. And I'm not pretending to be okay when I'm not. You are. You pretend to be stronger than anyone but you're in more pain than all of us. Now I know you're not okay. You're really not. And I..." She trails off and wipes her face. Where did all of this come from? "I make it worse. It's because of me. All of it..." She whispers and she jogs out of the room, sobbing as she goes. "Ari!" I call out and Trish goes to follow her, handing something to Dez on her way.

"What was that? What even happened while I was out?" I ask her and he sighs, gripping what was in his hand. "This will explain a lot to you. This is the first time shes spoken in a week and a half. She wrote this while you were in here. It took her two hours and there were barley any mistakes... We thought it was gonna be some happy princess fairy tail she wanted to write for you. But it's not..." He says and I grab the book from him. "Realizing the lies and that it's because of me" the cover reads and I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion at the picture. "Read it. It'll make more sense." Dez tells me and I sigh but not.

—–––-•

I look up at Dez in tears. "She wrote that?" He nods. I lean my head all the way back on the bed and groan in pain. But not in physical pain. I can't believe she thinks that. Or that she figured some of that out. God d*mmit I can't believe that she wrote this. I've been so worried about losing her and about her dyslexia that I never even thought that she could've been made fun of for it. I should've though, I was made fun of for it when I was younger until... I told them it was a lie because I couldn't take the pain anymore and dropped out of the special classes. I won't make Ariana go through that, it's torture and barely helps. She'll get a tutor at home if she needs and we'll- I'll - help her through it.

I hear Trish comforting Ari as they come down the hallway and she looks at me. She looks broken. She has black under her red puffy eyes, which look darker than I've ever seen them before. She looks a lot skinnier too... Her cheeks have hollowed out a bit and her used to be tight clothes now sag on her body. I sit up from the bed and sigh. "When's the last time she ate?" I asked Dez and he sighs. "We've been feeding her and we've had to force her to eat sometimes but it doesn't seem like she's been eating at all." He whispers to me so she can't hear. "And we tuck her in every night and she 'sleeps' but every time I wake up in the middle of the night, she's awake." I nod. "I can tell..." I whisper and I look at Dez. "Thank you. For everything. Really..." I say and he smiles a little. "Ari, lets go down to the cafeteria to get some food. You hungry?" She sighs a little shaking her head and shrugging. "I'm really not hungry. But I'll go with you if you're hungry." She tells me and I put my finger under her chin and examine her face. "You have t-" I stop talking as she hands me a paper or two. "The last two chapters..." Both Dez and Trish have confused looks on their faces as well. "I wrote them a few days after I wrote the first. Thats why I'm giving them to you now..." I nod. I look down and begin to read.

It's been a week that daddy has been in the hospital. They said he'd be awake the day it happened. But that was a lie. He's still asleep and when you think about it, he wouldn't even be there if it weren't for me. Now he's been asleep for a week and it's because of me. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. It hurts so much and I haven't eaten much. One time, uncle Dez and aunt Trish told me that I had to eat because I needed to be healthy. So I ate it and I felt so sick after, I ended up throwing up. I've thrown up a lot in the past two weeks and I know daddy used to force himself to but I wasn't. I'm just so upset with myself that it makes me sick and I cry and then throw up. It's been a week since its started and I'm not sure when I'll feel better. Maybe when daddy wakes up? I don't know. It's hard for me to sleep at night too. I fall asleep but always wake up in the middle of the night, worrying about daddy. Crying about mommy. Fearing of what will happen. So I've been sleeping less and I'm very tired but I just can't sleep through the night.

Daddy hurts himself. I thought it was silly at first. But he must have a reason. Mommy must. Aunt Trish must and uncle Dez must too. There's a reason. if everyone's cutting them self then there must be a reason and it can't hurt too bad. So one day I asked Aust for scissors. Well, I wrote it for him. I haven't been speaking much lately. I'm afraid I'll hurt someone else... I told him it was for a project I was doing, which I did use them for the project but not only for the project. I was nervous at first but then thought that if mommy, daddy, uncle Dez and aunt Trish did it, I could do it. So I did. It-

I stopped reading and I got up from the bed, picking Ariana up. I cry into her hair and squeeze her tightly. "God da*n it Ari. Don't ever do that again." I sob with her in my arms and squeeze her tighter. She sobs with me. I pull away to see her face and she looks so sick. "Don't do which one?" She asks me into a quiet voice and I look at her in confusion. "Finish reading it." I sit down and she climbs away from the bed and goes to Trish.

So I did. It hurt. A lot. But there was something weird about it. It felt... Right. It made me feel less sick. Maybe I liked the pain. So I did it again. I didn't know how to make the bleeding stop though. So I just took toilet paper and put it around my arm, putting my jacket on to cover it. I came from the bathroom and sat with Aust. No one asked me about anything so I knew no one knew. I still felt sick to my stomach though. I couldn't figure out why. So a little while later, I asked auntie Trish for her iPad. I searched how to hurt yourself different ways on google. It was hard to read by myself but I couldn't ask for help. But I figured it out eventually. It mostly said to cut yourself. Which I had done. But one said to make yourself throw up. So I looked that up and did that. I thought it'd make my stomach stop hurting but it never did. The next few days I cut. Maybe I should... kill myself. Everything's my fault... Then I'd be with mommy and probably daddy... I needed them. So I looked that up too. I guess you were supposed to put the scissors through your stomach and I tried. That hurts a lot now. It looks like a cut on my stomach because it didn't go very deep. So now I have ten marks on each arm that barely stop bleeding, a cut on my stomach and I'm a lot skinner now. But I'm not in pain. I don't know why I'm not in pain like I should be but then I realized. Daddy did these things because of me and this is the only way to know how he feels. And I kind of like it. Maybe he wants me to do this. I've caused him a lot of pain. I should cause myself pain. So I realized the lies and realized that it was because of me. And I realized the reason behind it.

"Ari-" I stopped already, crying my eyes out and shaking in fear. I sob and everyone's eyes are on me and I clutch my stomach, not even knowing what to do. "Daddy..." She whispers and puts and hand on my knee. She smiles at me a little, trying to reassure me that she's okay. It doesn't work. It makes me cry harder. "Austin what happened?" Dez asks and I shake my hand, clutching the paper in my hands, shaking endlessly. "I-I think I'm gonna throw up..." I cry harder and Ari kisses my cheek. "Ari..." I shake my head and pull her in for a hug. "It's not- it's not good. Please don't ever-" I sob again and squeeze her tighter than before. "Don't do that again. It's not good. You don't want that. Either of them. Please. At least try to stop one-one at a time!" I try to speak through my tears and sobs. I pull away from her and grab her wrist. But she pulls it away. "Ari, it may be infected. Let me see..." I whisper and a few tears fall from her cheeks, and mine, as she puts her wrists forward. I lift her sleeves and shake my head at the twenty cuts up and down her arms. They're swollen and puffy. They're infected. A few of them are. "I can't believe this..." I whisper and I shake my head again. "God Ari... I-I'm so so so sorry. This isn't good. It's not healthy. I'm not healthy. I can't believe you did this Ariana..." I whisper. Dez and Trish had left because Ari had asked them to before showing me her arms. "Are you mad at me?" She asks in her small voice and more tears fall from my eyes. "No no no. Of course not. I'm just... Mad at myself. We're going to talk about this later okay? C'mon lets clean you up and talk to a doctor, o-" her eyes widen. "No no no! No! Please daddy no! They'll hurt me!" She yells and I kiss her forehead. "The pain you've been through is worse than anything you'll ever feel." I whisper to her and I sigh. "Will you sit here while I tell auntie Trish and uncle Dez?" She sighs but nods. "Do you want me to tell them outside or are you okay?" She grips my hand tightly and then lets go. "I'll sit in the hall while you talk." She says and jumps off the bed, pulling her sleeves down to go get them, staying in the hall with Aust.

I grip my hair with my hands and pull, groaning. "I can't believe she-" I sob out and shake my head over and over until Dez taps my shoulder. I forgot they were coming. "Austin. What the h*ll is going on?!" Dez asks me and I look up at them. "She's f*cking making herself throw up and she's f*cking cutting herself and tried to f*cking her kill herself by f*cking stabbing herself! That's what's f*cking going on!" They both freeze and look at me to see if I'm serious. "Are you kidding?" I growl. "Why would I f*cking lie about that?!" I ask and then sigh. "Sorry guys I just-" Trish grabs my hand as I start crying again. "We understand. But... How do you know it's true? It's a story, isn't it?" I squeeze her hand lightly and look up into her eyes. "You can tell she's not eating. Her clothes are baggy and her cheeks hollowed out. She showed me the cuts. Ten infected f*cking cuts on each arm. She said she tried to kill herself by stabbing herself but it didn't work. I guess she wasn't strong enough. Thank god... It's... Really bad. I can't believe I did this to her! A three year old f*cking cutting herself." I cry and pull my hand from Trish, pulling my hair again.

"Ari!" I call out to her, tears in my voice. Her and Aust come in and she gives me a slight smile. "Will you come here so I can take a look at the cuts again?" She nods and walks toward me, pulling her sleeves again. I pull her to sit on my left knee so Trish and Dez can see the cuts. They're standing on my right side. I sigh. "Does it hurt?" She shakes her head and I gently run my fingers over it and she flinches back. "God you must be in so much pain." She shakes her head again. "It doesn't hurt that bad. You guys would know..." She says looking at all of us. I sigh. "No Ar, we don't. We're adults. You're three years old. Your skin is thinner and more fragile and soft. You're not used to so much pain. My cuts have never been infected. How deep are they?" I ask her and she shows me the most recent one. "This is the deepest I think. It was bleeding a lot... And it hurts. A lot." She says and I put my hands on the side of her face and kiss her forehead. "Can I see your stomach?" I whisper and she stands, pulling her shirt up. That's infected too. "We have to get you to a doctor baby... I-I'm sorry. This isn't- it's not okay. It's not healthy. C'mon, lets go." She steps back when I try to grab her. "Ar. The cuts are infected and they need to clean them." She shakes her head. "Please Ar. You... You need help. And I can't help you. I wish I could but I can't." She sighs but nods. "Fine but only because I love you..." She whispers and I lift her up. "I love you too sweetheart." She grips onto my neck and turn to Dez and Trish, the four of us crying. She cries into my ear. "Why do you love me?" She whines and I squeeze her tightly. "Because you're my world. You're my daughter whom I love and I couldn't ask for a better little girl. You're beautiful and funny and you're so smart and you have dyslexia which shows that you're a fighter. It's crazy how smart you are because you're smarter than me. You're mature for your age and make us all laugh and smile and I couldn't imagine my life without you. You've helped me get through my life since the day you were born because I've wanted to kill myself before Ar. You know that. But I've wanted to more than I've tried and I didn't because of you. You kept me here and I love you. Don't ever question that because you're amazing. And I love you more than the world..." She cries and gives me a butterfly kiss and I smile, returning it. "Lets go." She nods.

"A three year old should be under adult supervision at all times." The doctor tells me as the nurse cleans Ariana's cuts. "I know." He nods. "So the fact that she was able to do this is concerning and inappropriate for a three year old. The cops will be called and she will no longer be held under your supervision. She's being taken away from you Mr. Moon." I raise my eyebrows, trying to hide my panic. "She's my daughter and I was in the hospital. She wasn't under my supervision because I was unconscious. Take my kid away and we're going to court. She took her scissors for a school project and took them into the bathroom. Do you think she did this for fun? She cut herself on purpose and she tried to kill herself because I was in the hospital and she needed me. Take her away and hurt Ariana. I'll be d*mned if someone could stop me from ripping you a new a**hole." He nods, scared and Ariana smiles at me as I glance at her.

"Will you come hold my hand?" She whispers and I go over next to her and grab her tiny hand and envelope it in mine. "It's gonna hurt." She says and I squeeze her hand. "I don't think getting them cleaned out will hurt nearly as bad as actually creating the cut." She shakes her head. "I- I told you. I liked it. It took that feeling of loneliness and emotional pain away. I like it." I sigh and force her to look in my eyes. "Ar, it's not worth it." I tell her sternly and she pulls her hand from mine. I feel pain in my chest as I look into her darkened eyes as she pulls away. "You do it." She says and I sigh glancing at the hollowed out cheeks on her too skinny face. "But I know it's not worth hurting myself. Look Ari, I know I've done things that you didn't want me to do but it happens and people make mistakes. You will not continue to do this to yourself Ariana. You won't." She narrows her little eyes at me. "Yes I will." I bite the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry. "God d*mn it no you will not." She bites her lip and looks down at her arm. "Will you leave?" Sh*t. "Ar wait. Please. I'm sorry, I'm just-" she smiles at me a little. "I would just like to be alone." She says and I stay seated in my spot next to her. "I'm not healthy Ariana. I'm sick. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything anymore but think about hurting myself. It's like a possessive thing that takes over you and you can't control it. If you don't stop now, I don't know what'll happen. Ar... You tried to kill yourself." I bite my lip and clench my jaw. "A three year olds body doesn't heal like twenty five year olds body. If you did anything I had, you wouldn't have survived. They threatened to take you away from me because you cut yourself. If you keep cutting, I'll lose you forever. Physically and emotionally. They'll take you physically but I'll lose your mind and yourself. Your happiness is robbed of you and you can't smile or laugh or think of anything but that razor that's waiting for you at home. Ariana, is that what you want?" She kisses my nose. "No. I want to be happy." I nod. "We'll do this together then. Daddy, if you stop, I'll stop." I bite my lip in annoyance. D*mn. "Deal." I say in a strained voice.

Dez's POV

"God Trish, we were gonna move. We were gonna have a life down on Long Island but look at Ari. We can't... We can't leave Austin right now." She buries her head in my neck, still crying about Ari. "She cuts herself. Our three year old niece cuts herself, makes herself throw up and tried to kill herself. We can't ever move." I sigh and squeeze Trish tighter. "I can't imagine how much pain she must be in." I say to her. She shakes her head in agreement. "I can't imagine either. God how much do you wanna bet Austin's gonna go home and just fricken beat himself up about this? We keep thinking he's gonna get better but he's not. He needs our help. No yelling, no screaming. Just civilized talking and telling him that he's not allowed out of our sight until he's completely better." I chuckle at her and Austin's voice cuts through. "It's okay, Ari and I made a deal. I don't cut, she won't." We smile and pull him in for a hug, the three of us crying into each others shoulders. "Where is she?" His shoulders slump and he sighs. "The infections were so bad and she was in so much pain, they had to put her unconscious because she was going to pass out by herself eventually. They won't let me in there." He stuffs his hands in his jean pockets and looks at us. "You okay?" He shakes his head no and bites his lip.

"We're not moving." I tell him and he shakes his head. "Go. We'll be okay." I look at him like he's crazy. He is* crazy. "Austin, I hate to be like this but... If we move, who's here for you?" I ask and he shrugs. "Ally." I feel Trish squeeze my hand and I squeeze back. "Austin, she's in a coma." He shrugs again. "She's still here." I sigh. "Austin, she's going to die. She won't* be here." He puts his hands to his head and pulls his hair, groaning. "I don't even know what to do with myself anymore." He says and I see his unshed tears as he fights the battle for them not to fall. "I'm irresponsible. I can't even hold a job because I'm so depressed. I made everyone I'm close to cut themselves. And the worst part about that? Is that I let it happen. I... I can't... Believe you guys did that. Cutting yourself isn't god d*mn worth it and you know it too. It's gotta stop." I glare at him for a minute. "Austin. You've tried to kill yourself six times. Don't tell us that cutting ourselves is wrong. Trish isn't doing it anymore. She's pregnant and can't. But me? I'm free to do whatever the h*ll I want!" He glances at Trish and gives a half smile. "Congratulations on your baby guys. Do you know the gender?" He asks and Trish and I both look at each and smile, shaking our heads. "Not yet." Trish tells him but I sigh, looking back at him. "Don't change the subject Austin."

"Dez. I deserve to f*cking do this to myself. You? You don't need to do that to yourself because you never do anything wrong. You're reasonable and make good decisions for you and your family. You don't deserve that. I do. I deserve what I do to myself Dez and you know it." I step toward him, ready to tell him to stop. " No Dez, No! Don't tell me you don't because remember when I was in rehab?! You told me that I deserved it and I do! I still do!" I shove him to make him stop talking for a second. "Jesus Christ Austin! I was angry at you because I thought you were being selfish but you weren't! I didn't mean any of that! I was just afraid of losing you! Y-" he cuts me off. "You should've let me kill myself two weeks ago like I wanted to! We'd all be better off right now without me!" He yells and I clench my jaw. "You would want to be dead right now?! Are you f*cking kidding me?! Ariana cut herself and made herself throw up and tried to f*cking kill herself because you tried to kill yourself and you wish you didn't wake up?! Me and Trish didn't notice that she was cutting herself because she wouldn't even talk! God forbid you didn't wake up! She could've killed herself and both me and Trish wouldn't have even had a clue to help her until she was dead and there was no help for her. Don't ever wish yourself dead again because you need to help Ariana. Can you even imagine feeling what you feel but as a three year old? She's confused and will kill herself, not realizing what's going on. Three Austin. She's three. She needs your help." He sighs and lets out a string of profanities. "This is such f*cking bullsh*t. I can't even help myself! How am I supposed to do this?!" I sigh and put a hand on his shoulder. "You've got us. That's why we're not moving."

He grabs Ariana's bear that's sitting on top of the bed. Both Trish and I watch him as his sits gently on the bed, staring at the bear. He plays with the arms a few minutes, letting a tear fall as his head drops. He sobs for a few minutes before he hugs the teddy bear, squeezing the life out of it as if Ari's life depended on it. He stays like that for another five minutes before letting out a sigh and looking up at us. He's got huge red puffy eyes, red blotches on his face. I honestly don't think he's ever been this distraught in his entire life. But I don't blame him. And we'll be here for him the whole time.

Austin's POV

"Hey Ar..." I whisper, rubbing her hair. She turns her head and smiles. "Hey daddy..." She says and I kiss her forehead. "God, you're heating up..." I press for the nurse, hiding my panic from Ari. "Does it hurt?" I ask her and she shakes her head no. "She's burning up." I tell the nurse and she glances at Ar. "She's fine. The infection was there for so long that it went into her system and she's just fighting the germs off right now." I nod and thank her, sitting back down in the chair next to her bed. "You hungry?" She says no. "Ari, please. You have to eat something." I tell her and her shoulders slump. "I'm not hungry though." I bring my hand across her skinny cheek and sigh. "Ar, try to eat okay? I really don't want a doctor in here forcing you to but I will." She sighs but agrees, making me smile a little. I text Dez.

Where are you guys? I ask and wait for a response.

Cafeteria, want something? I respond immediately.

Will you grab an apple juice and pancakes? Don't worry I'll pay you back. I just don't want to leave Ariana here alone. She's awake.

Don't be stupid, I'm not taking your money. I'll be up in five. Trish and Aust are going home. Trish is getting tired because of the baby and Aust is crying because Ar is sick. I don't want to tell him what she did. I can't have have him cutting himself too... Sorry.

Don't be sorry Dez, if it was me I'd take my kid home too. I know they're "boyfriend and girlfriend" but we need to talk about them and us and just... Everything.

Alright, I'm on my way up.

He comes in three minutes later with two burgers, two sodas, pancakes and apple juice. "The doctor gave you nutrients or something while you were out and he said that it filled your blood up with the right amount of stuff. He said you should be able to eat and that you need to." Dez tells me and I smell the burger, almost moaning. I didn't even realize how hungry I was until he mentioned it. "Here." I hand him twenty bucks and rolls his eyes, placing the burger in front of me and walking to Ari. "Dude take the money." He laughs. "No." He sits next to Ar. "Hey kiddo, how you feeling?" She shrugs. "I'm okay I guess. They kinda hurt. Especially the one on my stomach." Dez and I share a glance. "Can I see it sweetheart?" I ask, getting up and she nods. She pulls up her shirt to show us the cut and I look but bite my lip. "God Ar that's because you needed stitches." She nods and I grab her hand, gently turning it over. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Each one has stitches. I groan and feel pressure on my chest. But everything stops.

I open my eyes again, sitting in a chair away from Ar and I look around. Ugh. Seizure. I stand up slowly and she's crying. "Ar, what's wrong?" I ask and she gasps. "Daddy!" I smile back at her a little. "That's gonna happen more often but I'll be okay." She nods and reaches for my hand. "Love you." I say and she smiled. "Love you too." She giggles and I smile. "Gosh I missed your laugh Ar." She smiles and squeezes my hand. "You need to sleep, I'll be here waiting for you when you wake up." She sighs and frowns. "I love you." She says. "To the moon and back." She smiles as I say it. "Forever..." She whispers. "And always." We say together and she drifts off to sleep.

"What'd you wanna talk about?" Dez whispers to me, sitting in the chair next to mine. "You guys need to move Dez." I put my elbows on my knees and look at him. "We're not m-" I sigh. "Dez. I don't want you to. You don't want to and neither does Trish. But you need to do this for Aust. I've influenced my family into pain and now I've forced two of three people in your family into pain too. Ariana's sick and we need to separate from you before Aust is sick too. I can't do that to him." He shakes his head at me. "Austin, I promise Aust will be fine. You'd be there for me if it were the other around. And you'd be there for Trish. And you'd be there for Aust. And you'd definitely be there if Trish was dying, I was in pain and alone and Aust was cutting himself. Trust me Austin. I wanted to go but not so much anymore. You guys are way more important than a house on Long Island." I smile at him and pull him for a hug. "Thank you do much." I say and I clench my jaw tightly. I really don't want to cry right now. "Austin, let it out. It's okay." He tells me and I shake my head. "I need to be strong." He laughs, pulling away from me. "You're crazy. You're going through so much right now and the fact that you haven't done any self harm today shows me that you're strong. This is definitely the worst you've been through." I nod. It really is worse than anything else. "It hurts. It hurts to know that I did this to my wife, my brother, sister and daughter." He shakes his head again and I sigh. "It's not your fault Au-" he's cut off by an urgent voice. "Mr. Moon." A doctor comes in frantically. I stand up immediately. "What happened?" He swallows visibly and audibly. "Your wife."

Let me know what you guys think. I know it's sad I'm sorry. And no, this isn't speaking from personal experience. I don't cut or anything. Just some of my thoughts that I like to write out. Like, sure I've thought about cutting and a lot of the things I write but I think writing helps me get it out if my system so I know I won't do anything rash. So no, not personal experience. Anyway, let me know what you guys thought of the chapter!