The Fallout

The hustle and bustle of the Spirit World was finally dying down, another crisis averted, as Botan lingered in Koenma's office. She had just ended her call with Hiei and he was set to visit her in a few minutes. Her thoughts drifted back to the fire-demon and the strange new atmosphere that had settled over them in the moments before her premature departure. He had been working himself up to tell her something important, she could see it in his expression, in the way his posture shifted, in the way his eyes held hers. He seemed so bare in that moment; completely open and honest. He was finally going to let her in and reveal the inner workings of his private mind, but, as usual, the real world interrupted their time together and they were forced to part.

The fact that he agreed to meet with her tonight to finish the conversation that they started was a small consolation. Botan wondered what he would say.

"Ogre! You're sitting on the remote!"

Koenma's high-pitched and anger-filled voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She turned to see that the logging system was rapidly flickering through images and events at a speed that she could not quite catch. Jorge jolted from his position, picking up the remote with a sheepish air as Koenma snatched it out of his grasp. The video inadvertently landed on some footage of the spirit detective team as they strolled back into Koenma's office, and Botan couldn't help but watch on curiously. Yusuke was throwing the mirror of illusions between his hands while engaging in conversation with the rest of the team.

Koenma cringed at the display, rubbing his temples and muttering something about the detective's lackadaisical and careless nature under his breath.

"It was a fake anyway, sir," Jorge piped in feebly.

"It doesn't matter!" Koenma maintained stubbornly.

"Would you two quiet down? I want to hear what the boys talk about when no one else is around!" Botan said excitedly.

"My logging system isn't something for you all to spy on each other with!" the Prince rebuked haughtily.

"That's not what I heard…" Jorge muttered.

"What was that, Jorge?" Botan asked, eyes narrowing down to slits as she cast a suspicious look in her boss' direction.

"Uh, don't mind him. Let's just watch the video," Koenma suggested, turning the volume up and shooting the ogre a dirty look.

The conversation was normal enough – the boys had begun talking about their girl troubles. Botan giggled when even Kurama admitted that he was going through some troubles with the fairer sex, confessing that he found it difficult to deal with the more fervent and fanatical girls at his school. Hiei had been silent the whole time, but once he was prodded to speak, he voiced his obvious disgust over the fact that the rest of the team had all become so weak willed when women were involved. She had expected that from him, but what she didn't expect was for Yusuke and Kuwabara to press the issue.

Her brow furrowed as they started baiting Hiei into some sort of a bet. Her mind was spinning, thoughts racing at the speed of light as pieced the events together and realized that this was the very same afternoon that Hiei had uncharacteristically asked her out. It seemed so out of the blue at the time, but now she was beginning to think that his timing wasn't as spur-of-the-moment as she thought. As the recorded conversation reached her ears, her mind was processing it with a heightened clarity and a heavy heart.

"Sounds to me like the wielder of the darkness flame is scared of a little date!" Yusuke taunted.

"Aw, is the little fire-demon afraid of girls?" Kuwabara teased. "Does he still think they have cooties?"

"Don't listen to them," Kurama advised. "This bet of theirs isn't a good idea."

"I accept."

Her breath caught in her throat and she felt something cold dragging at her insides and leaving her empty. Hiei's last statement had cemented what she feared to be true. It all made sense now. His decision to ask her out in the first place and then continue to go on these dates with her was just a condition of a rather cruel bet.

Everything they had been through together amounted to nothing in the end.

It was all a lie.

"You will convince that idiot Prince to lessen my probation. He won't listen to Kurama and I because we are ex-convicts, but he will listen to your judgment, detective," Hiei ordered.

Yusuke was silent for a moment, his mouth pressed into a firm line as he mulled the idea over in his head before nodding.

Their dates had just been a ploy for Hiei to gain his freedom. The relationship that she thought they developed over the past month wasn't even real.

"Oh, yeah, we still have to pick the unlucky lady!" Kuwabara noted.

"If we're gonna be fair here, then she's gotta at least be aware about demons and spirit world," Yusuke offered.

"But in keeping with the spirit of the bet, she's gotta be a challenge, too. Someone who will really get under his skin," Kuwabara reasoned.

"The total opposite of Hiei's doom and gloom persona," Yusuke suggested with a laugh.

Right on cue, she watched herself walk into the office, trailing behind Koenma and Jorge. She greeted them warmly, and Botan couldn't help but think of what a fool she must have looked like to them: smiling without a care in the world, completely oblivious to the trap that she had just walked into.

Botan swallowed thickly. All this time she had been dealing with judgment and disdain from her peers. She had been confused by her own emotions and at war with herself for falling for Hiei. But all of the stress and emotional turmoil she endured was over a man who thought of her as nothing but a means to an end.

Breathing became difficult as the realization set in. Hiei never cared about her. He had only pretended to do so because she was gullible and he was desperate.

"Botan."

If it had been a few minutes ago, she would have welcomed that familiar voice, but now it chilled her to the core. A pained look crossed her features, but she didn't dare look over at the doorway where she knew that Hiei would be standing. She didn't want him to see her, not like this. She wasn't ready. A lump was forming in her throat, threatening to choke her with the swell of emotions that were bubbling from her gut and she desperately tried to keep herself together. The anger, hurt and humiliation ran deep, but if she succumbed to them now, she feared that she would be trapped a downward spiral of negative and fledgling emotions. Rather than looking over at the fire-demon, she focused her sights on the large screen before her. It was now displaying the moment he had asked her out. She could feel her heart breaking into a million pieces as she watched herself get tricked into accepting his offer.

"Botan," he said again.

This time his voice was closer. She refused to face him, eyes glued to the tragic scene unfolding before her. On-screen Hiei was declaring that he would see her tonight for their first date with an almost sinister glare and she felt a burning anger rise above the pain and humiliation. The next thing she knew the screen went black.

"Look at me, Botan," he ordered.

His voice was commanding and his tone betrayed a sense of urgency, but she stubbornly refused. It hurt too much to look at the face of the man who she had come to regard so dearly; to meet the gaze of the man who had only been using her.

"No," she managed to let out quietly.

"Then at least listen," he urged, his voice tight with an emotion she could not identify as he took a step closer. "You deserve to know the truth."

She didn't know why, but that one statement was enough to unravel the calm countenance she was trying to convey. It was almost ironic – the way Hiei managed to sound remorseful as he presumed to tell her what she deserved.

"I deserved for you to be honest with me from the start, Hiei!" she countered, finally turning to view him. He looked guilty, angry and there was something else tinged in his expression. She would have classified it as regret, but that was impossible. Hiei would not regret doing what he did to her. It was plainly obvious that she was only a stipulation of his cruel, coldhearted game.

Koenma cleared this throat.

"I don't like what I'm hearing at all, but considering the circumstances, I'll give you two some time to talk alone," he said, ushering Jorge out of the room. "I'll be right outside if you need me, Botan."

As the door closed behind them, the room was eerily silent; stiflingly so. She looked at Hiei and for the first time in her life, she noted regretfully, she did not know what to say.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

Botan wasn't supposed to be standing in front of him, on the verge of tears.

She wasn't supposed to be avoiding his gaze as if it would scorch her on the spot.

She wasn't supposed to have found out like this.

He pushed aside the overwhelming urge to burn everything to the ground and took an advancing step towards her.

"Let me explain," he tried, ignoring the heaviness in his chest and the darkness building in his mind.

"There is nothing left to say. I think you've done enough," she said, her voice breaking as she moved to exit the room.

"Botan," he pressed, grabbing onto her arm and pulling her back to face him.

"Don't touch me!"

She wrenched away from his touch as if it had seared her, the panic in her voice and the look in her eyes nearly too much for the fire-demon to bear. The sentiments in swirling around in her eyes were a mixture of all the things he never thought he would never find himself on the receiving end of: betrayal, anger and deep-seated pain. It struck through his core like a heated blade, shame and regret running thick through his veins.

"I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" Botan cried. "I thought you cared about me, but I misjudged you. You're still every bit as mean and cruel as you were the day we first met and you will do whatever it takes to get what you want, even if it involves hurting others in the process."

He had every intention of making her listen to his side of the story, for her to hear the truth, for her to know that the bet was over, but the moment he heard those words, his resolve waned. His words caught in his throat as Botan continued her angry tirade.

"I was such a fool for believing that you cared about me. That you changed. I guess I was just too naïve and trusting," she started cynically. "But you, you have absolutely no excuse for the despicable way you treated me. You openly deceived me. You played around with my emotions. You treated me as though I was just an object for you to use and then discard."

"You're right. I couldn't see past anything except for my need to be free at first," he disclosed, his honesty the only thing he could give her at this point. "But the situation changed. My motives changed. I-"

He was cut off by a bitter laugh, one that did not suit the ferry-girl at all.

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that you've changed?" she asked with a shake of her head. "You're not capable of change. You'll always be as stinted and emotionless as you were the first day we met and I shouldn't have expected anything otherwise."

His anger flared upon hearing those words. He had never expected to hear them from her.

"Is that what you really think about me?" he asked, voice low and restrained.

"You haven't given me a reason to think otherwise. I would be just a foolish as you think I am if I deluded myself into thinking otherwise."

"And all those things you said about me before? Were they lies?"

He didn't have to elaborate; the ferry-girl knew exactly what he was referring to. He needed to know if her assertions that he was a good soul - that he was worth something - were true. He didn't completely believe it himself, but it meant something to him that she did.

So when she bowed her head regretfully, something essential within him shattered and vanished in the spaces between them.

"I thought they were true at the time," she replied wistfully. "I wasn't lying. I was just wrong about you."

There was a resignation in her eyes that reinforced the very truth that he did not want to come to terms with: Botan had finally given up on him. The one person who constantly saw the good in him, no matter how much he hated it, had come to realize that there was nothing inherently good within his soul. He looked away from her and could feel himself retreating into the only true persona he knew; the one that didn't care. If he didn't feel, he couldn't experience the hurt. He couldn't feel the cold, vice grip on his heart that left his chest feeling heavy and hollow. His walls were coming back up, the lock on his emotions tightening. A cold rationalization that things were better this way passed over him and cemented within his stubborn will.

If this was what love amounted to, then he didn't need it.

Something that could be broken and discarded so easily wasn't worth his time.

Hiei thought back to all that he had been through and all that he had felt with a detached mind. He had been acting so unlike himself lately. He had his values and principles and he did not need to cling to the foolish ones of the human world. It was unbecoming of him. It was against his very nature.

"I thought you cared about me," she said bitterly. "But it was all just a lie."

Hiei lifted his gaze to meet Botan's, crimson eyes devoid of emotion.

"You're right. You were far too naïve and trusting. The best target I could have asked for," he said cruelly, his tone sounding oddly foreign to his own ears. He hadn't spoken to anyone with such disdain and careless indifference in a long time and a part of him missed the callous person he used to be. He kept his eyes on her form, making sure she was paying attention as he spoke his next words. "It's a shame you couldn't stay ignorant until the end."

Her lips quivered and the tears threatened to spill over as she brushed past him and ran out of the office. As he listened to her retreating footsteps echoing faintly in the background, he felt a sick sense of solace in the fact that his words could hurt so easily hurt her. But when she had gotten to the point where he could no longer hear the sound of her ambling away or sense her spirit energy, the feeling was gone. He was left alone, as he always had been.

Hardening his resolve, he took his leave from the Spirit World.

Things would return to the way they had been; to the way that they were always meant to be.

Botan cried until the exhaustion took over and she fell asleep. When she had awoken hours later, her eyes were swollen her nose was red and stuffy. She had a splitting headache and she felt absolutely miserable. She wanted nothing more than to forget about everything that had ever happened between herself and Hiei, but the memories were engraved in her mind and in her heart.

When a tentative knock met her door a few minutes later, Botan willfully ignored it.

"Hey, Botan? It's me…" Hinageshi tried. "I just wanted to see if you were alright… I haven't seen you all day."

Her concern was heartwarming, but the bluette could not bear to face anyone in the emotional state of distress that she was in. She pressed her lips together, pulling her covers tighter over her body.

"I guess I'll check in some other time," Hinageshi relented. "I'll be here… if you need me."

Botan heard the sound of footsteps padding away from her door and she let out a sigh. Sitting in the corner of her bed was the panda bear Hiei had bought her. Instead of warm and nostalgic memories, all she felt was the painful sting of betrayal. She unraveled herself from her quilts with a determined air and grabbed a hold of the offending item. She then marched over to the photo booth pictures that had been resting on her dresser and snatched them up as well. Even if the memories were not all that bad, these tokens would only serve as painful reminders in the future, so she tossed them in the wastebasket without a second thought.

Botan wiped a stray tear that had fallen and sniffed pitifully. If only Hiei hadn't agreed to the bet; if only they had chosen someone else to play the cruel game with. She was perfectly fine before all of this started, but now she was a miserable mess.

Hiei didn't even care about the repercussion of his actions or the affect the bet would have on her. He was a heartless menace. It was all just a game to him; another way to prove his superiority and regain his freedom, and the thought sickened her.

The following day, Botan threw herself back into her duties. Her smiles were more forced and less convincing. The warmth and energy that usually radiated from her was absent and her usual outgoing and cheery nature was somewhat stifled. Amethyst eyes were devoid of their usual spark and brightness. It was clear that something was wrong with her, but she had pushed it aside in lieu of getting through the day. She was trying to be okay and that was all that mattered. When Koenma asked her about her current state, she simply said that she was fine. He asked if she would rather not work with Hiei in the future and she pretended as though it didn't matter to her. He was a part of the team and she was the detective's assistant. They would move past this whole mess like mature adults were supposed to, because that was the only logical course of action.

Koenma looked at her with pity in brown eyes, but she knew that it was coming from a good place. He wasn't just her boss; he had been a constant companion over the past few years. They had laughed together, argued together and gotten through many crises together. She knew that he was worried about her, but she did not want anyone's sympathy or pity.

She just wanted this pain and heartache to be over.

Koenma was furious over the issue with Hiei and Botan. Fingers interlocked tightly, he stared at three fourths of his Spirit Detective team with a hard glare.

"So, what did you need pacifier breath?" Yusuke questioned.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes Yusuke," Koenma replied tightly.

"Geez, chill out, what's got your diapers in a knot?" he asked.

"I know all about that thoughtless bet you devised with Hiei."

Yusuke's draw dropped and he and Kuwabara exchanged looks of complete and absolute shock. Kurama's brow crinkled, but he hid his emotions well behind his usual mask of composure. Yusuke was the first to recover and waved a hand dismissively at Koenma.

"It's fine," he said. "Hiei called it off. He forfeited."

Now Koenma was the one caught off-guard.

"What?"

"He told me that he was done," Yusuke explained. "He wasn't going to do it anymore."

That made absolutely no sense and Koenma frowned.

"When did he tell you that?" the prince pressed.

"About a week ago," Yusuke responded. "I think they already had, like, six dates. He only needed one more to win."

If Hiei had truly ended the bet a week ago, then that meant that by the time Botan learned the truth, the wager was already null and void.

"I don't believe it," Koenma muttered, more so to himself. "Are you sure?"

Kuwabara was the one who spoke next.

"Yeah, I was surprised when I heard it, too. But shorty told me himself that it was over."

Koenma's frown deepened as he wracked his brain for a plausible explanation to the fire-demon's bizarre and confusing actions.

"It's my understanding that Hiei realized the error of his ways and ended the bet before it could do any damage to his budding relationship with Botan," Kurama informed. "However, you still looked troubled. Has something happened that we are not aware of?"

Koenma nodded slowly, his gaze flickering over to the logging system.

"Botan stumbled upon the footage when we were working in my office. She saw everything: the conversation in which Hiei agreed to date a woman of Yusuke and Kuwabara's choosing and the prize that he would obtain for successfully completing the bet."

"Shit," Yusuke cursed lowly, a deep furrow to his brow. "But Hiei cleared it all up with her, right?"

Koenma remained silent. He honestly had no idea why Hiei hadn't told Botan that he broke the bet. There was no reason for the fire-demon to keep such pertinent information from the ferry-girl.

"Right?" Yusuke pressed, voice raised a decibel higher than necessary in his urgency.

"I'm afraid not and that's what's bothering me. Their last conversation wasn't exactly a pleasant one. They both said some pretty hurtful things, although Botan's was entirely justifiable considering the circumstances."

Yusuke's shoulders slumped and Kuwabara's face was distorted into a look of pure guilt and regret.

"So you saw it all? The big blow out?" Kuwabara asked hesitantly.

"You could say that," Koenma said curtly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Yusuke pressed.

When Koenma didn't answer, Kurama filled the silence.

"You used your logging system, then?" Kurama inquired.

"It was a complicated and touchy topic and I needed all of the facts," Koenma justified. "And no, I'm not showing the recording to anyone, so don't even think about asking, Yusuke."

The detective raised his hands in defense.

"I was just thinking it'd help us figure out why the little guy's being so tightlipped…"

Koenma rolled his eyes, his shoulders falling from their tensed position.

"Have any of you seen Hiei lately? Koenma questioned.

"No," Kuwabara and Yusuke returned in unison.

"Kurama?" Koenma asked.

"I'm afraid not."

Koenma sighed.

"I guess we should give him some space too, although I've got half a mind to lengthen his sentence or throw him back in prison for a while."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way," Kuwabara said. "He had feelings for her, I know he did."

"I'm as baffled as you are, Kuwabara," Koenma replied.

"How's Botan?" Kuwabara asked, concern filling his charcoal eyes.

"She's putting on a brave front, but she's obviously devastated."

"Is she around?" Yusuke asked.

"No, but even if she was, I wouldn't let you see her," Koenma replied. "She wants to be left alone for now."

Yusuke ran a hand through his hair, a regretful sigh escaping his lips.

"Alright," he conceded.

"I'm sure you all feel extremely guilty, but it still has to be said: I hope you all consider what you've done and learn from this mistake. Life isn't a game. Yusuke and Kuwabara, you should have never started the bet. I don't care how tempting it might have been, it isn't right to play around with the lives of others for the sake of a few cheap thrills. Kurama, I had hoped you would have at least attempted to end it instead of letting it stretch on for as long as it did. Hiei should have never accepted such a ridiculous bet because I never would have cut his sentence to begin with. He committed multiple crimes and he is paying for them, there is no way around it," Koenma said. "Botan might have been too trusting and naïve, but she was the victim in all of this. It could have been avoided, had you all chosen to use your better judgment and sense."

The room was silent.

"I'll be sure to let Botan know that you all stopped by and wanted to see her. That is all."

Hiei sucked in a ragged breath. His muscles were aching, limbs trembling from the rigorous training he was putting them through. He was overdoing it - he knew. But he would endure it all if it meant his mind would stop racing and plaguing him with the things he did not need to remember.

The woman's soft touch.

Her gentle smile.

Those meaningless words she made him believe.

He cursed, wiping the back of his hand against his sweat-filled brow.

It was bad enough that the memories returned in full while he sleep, but to be haunted by it all in his every waking moment was just ridiculous. So, he continued to overexert his tired body, even as it screamed in protest, and when exhaustion finally took over, he was granted with a dreamless and ferry-girl-less sleep.

It was becoming easier to harden his heart each day and the longer he kept this up, the stronger his resolve would be.

Eventually, he would return to his senses and that pesky feeling eating away at him from the inside out would recide; the pain in his chest would ebb and eventually fade away.

A few more days of this and he would no longer care about the ferry-girl and that pained expression on her face. He would no longer be bothered by the dull and distant look in her eyes.

Just a little more time and he would no longer care at all.

Botan threw herself into baking in order to fill her free time and stop her mind from returning to thoughts of Hiei and earlier times. She thought the hobby would be a stark reminder of their time together, but the act of trying new recipes and experimenting with certain ingredients proved to be extremely soothing forms of remedy.

She brought a batch of red velvet cupcakes to Genkai's temple with the intent to spend some quality time with both the ice-maiden and the older psychic. She froze upon entering the compound, surprised to see Kuwabara a few paces away, chatting excitedly with Yukina. The light of love and affection shining in his eyes was almost too much for the ferry-girl to bear, so she tore her eyes away from the scene.

"I didn't mean to intrude, I'll just come back some other time," Botan said hurriedly.

She heard Yukina call out her name, but she simply was not ready to face Kuwabara just yet. She made it all the way outside and was trudging through the grass when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Botan, wait," Kuwabara pleaded.

She stopped in her tracks, facing away from him entirely.

"I really should get back. I just wanted to drop some things off for Yukina and be on my way."

"I'm sorry," he said hurriedly. "I'm really, really sorry."

"Kuwabara… I can't-"

"Please, just hear me out," he beseeched.

Botan held his gaze for a few moments, before she found herself relenting with a silent nod.

"We thought it would only take one date for Hiei to fail. We didn't think it would last long enough for it turn into anything, but when we had that double date, I could see that I was wrong," he began. His voice was strained as he spoke and she knew that the psychic was probably burdened with more guilt and remorse than necessary. "I've been trying to set things right ever since… but it became what it was. I should've tried harder to stop it."

Kuwabara's fists clenched at his sides and Botan's expression softened. He had always been able to feel things on a much deeper level than most people and she was certain that he understood the true gravity of her situation.

"I believe you," she said as she looked up at him. "It just hurts is all."

Kuwabara nodded in understanding.

"…For what it's worth, he really did care about you," Kuwabara said.

Botan frowned.

"What?"

"Even if he refuses to admit it, I know that I'm right. He cared about you a lot and he was dealing with it in his own way. It doesn't excuse his actions and it doesn't excuse ours either. I'm so sorry, Botan."

The ferry-girl averted her gaze, a sad and distant look in her eyes.

"I suppose there was a lesson to be learned in all of this," she began.

"What do you mean?"

"Hiei always said that I trusted in others far too easily. In the end, I suppose he was right."

Kuwabara frowned, shaking his head adamantly.

"There's nothing wrong in believing in the people you care about. Even if that person is Hiei and even if he lets you down sometimes," he said. "You know how he is. He probably just needs some time."

Botan's brows crinkled slightly as thoughts of the fire-demon ran rampant in her heart. If only it were that simple. If only a little faith and time were enough. But Kuwabara did not see the way he behaved during their last conversation. He didn't see the cold emptiness in his eyes or the vitriol in his words. Hiei did not care about her. Not at all.

"I don't intend to wait around for him, Kuwabara," she revealed quietly. "I just want to move on."

The psychic appeared to be shocked by her confession, a myriad of emotions running through his expression in an instant. For a moment, she thought he might even try to dissuade her, but he held his tongue and simply nodded.

"I understand."

A heavy silence blanketed them. Botan was just about to take her leave, when Kuwabara spoke once more.

"Do you want to come back inside? Yukina would be really happy to see you."

Amethyst eyes glanced towards the temple tentatively.

"Oh, I don't know. I don't want to intrude on your time together," Botan said.

Kuwabara shook his head.

"I'd really like it if you joined us, Botan."

Kuwabara never openly invited anyone to join him when he was alone with Yukina. In fact, he made it a habit of showing his displeasure when anyone encroached on his special time. She looked up at him, searching those charcoal eyes until her resolve melted away.

"Please?" he asked one more time.

There was no way she could turn down such a heartfelt and sincere request and she relented with a nod. Kuwabara grinned at her and a slow spread across her face, the brightness returning to her eyes.

As she followed after him, each step was lighter than before and the feelings she had been numb to as of late slowly, yet surely began to defrost.