Once I've Done It

Miranda was falling. Or, at least, it felt like she was falling. She was just about to hit the ground when her eyes popped open. Her room was still dark and there was an unfamiliar sound coming from behind her. Snoring. Ben. She smiled to herself. He was still there, holding onto her tightly. His arm was still wrapped around her, her naked back rested on his equally naked chest. She moved his hand back and slipped out of bed. Miranda went to her dresser and pulled out a black t-shirt that fell just past her butt. It was one of the many shirts that she'd stolen from Tucker over the course of their relationship. She pulled on the shirt and got back into the bed. She reached over onto her nightstand and picked up her phone. It was two o'clock in the morning. And it was the first time in a long time that at two o'clock in the morning she, wasn't restless after a stressful day or overworked after a long shift at the hospital or after having to sit up with a sick child. She nestled her body inside of Ben's. He moved and put his arm around her again. "I thought you left me," he said into her ear, his beard brushed her neck.

"Nope, I was just putting on a t-shirt."

"Don't think I like the sound of that," Ben said with a laugh. Miranda shook her head. He put a hand on her waist and felt her body until he found the hem of her shirt. "That's a long shirt. That's yours?"

"I've had it for like 15 years, so I'd say it's mine."

"But you didn't buy it. You're not the original owner," Ben said raising the shirt. His touch on her skin was soft.

"Maybe."

"Was it Tucker's?" Ben asked climbing over Miranda to face her. She twisted her lips to the side and nodded. "Mmmhmm. Well, how about this?"

"What's that?"

He kissed her lips softly. "Since we're together, I think that if you're gonna wear a shirt—which I don't recommend—you should only wear my t-shirts." She touched his face and brought him in for another kiss. He rolled out of the bed and picked up his underwear.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be back," he called over his shoulder before walking out of the room. She sat up in the bed and leaned against her headboard. Where was he going? Was he going home? No, his pants were still on the floor and his sneakers were still on her bedroom floor. Miranda waited for him. She crossed and uncrossed her legs. She lay back down, pulling the covers up. She felt awkward. Miranda moved back into her original position.

"Where are you, Ben Warren?" She sang to the empty room.

"I am right here," he said coming through the doorway with two plates in his hand and a shirt on his shoulder.

"What is all of that?" She pointed towards him.

Ben put the plates down on her other nightstand and hopped into the bed. "Here's my t-shirt. It is now yours. So, you can put that one in the back of your closet somewhere." Miranda nodded. "I'll help you out of it." He reached out and touched the shirt she was wearing.

"I got it," she told him tugging the shirt over her head and tossing it towards her closet. She took the one that he was holding and put it on. The shirt was cool and a little tighter than the one she'd just taken off, but about the same length. "This smells just like you."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Yep." She looked over to him. "I love it." Miranda wouldn't say anymore. She wouldn't tell him that she adored the combination of his deodorant and his cologne. And how sometimes she just had to inhale him because he smelled so good. "So what else do you have over there?"

"Well," he said picking up a plate. "I went rummaging through your refrigerator and cabinets and I found nothing that was ready-to-eat, but you did have two slices of the pizza that we had the other night, so I warmed it up."

"Thanks," Miranda said taking a bite of the lukewarm pizza. Some grease dripped on her chin. "Napkins?"

Ben ran to the bathroom to get some tissue. He got back on the bed between Miranda's legs. Using his long wingspan, he grabbed his plate. He put his back on her chest. "This okay?"

"This is great," she answered. They ate in silence; she loved feeling his heartbeat through his back. Miranda put her plate on the nightstand. "So, tell me something about yourself."

"Like what?"

"Like anything."

Ben wiped his mouth with a piece of tissue. "Well, my mom used to be a nurse. And she used to take me with her to the hospital." Miranda drew lines over his shoulder blades and down his chest. In all her life, she never imagined that she would be this content with a man. For a while she'd enjoyed her marriage to Tucker. She was young and there was something amazing about being a wife. And having a husband who provided for her and who loved her. She honestly believed that Tucker had really been in love with her and wanted a life with her. But the smiles soon faded and the happy times got further and further apart. But she'd never felt unadulterated joy like she felt being with Ben. He offered her a bite of cake. Miranda took it and leaned down to kiss his muscular back. "What was that for?"

"Because I—" She stopped herself. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. She wanted to say it again and again until it no longer seemed like a dream. She bit her bottom lip. She feared that she'd said it too many times already. Twice. He was probably tired of hearing it. Miranda didn't want to scare the poor man off. "I mean, is that why you became a doctor?"

"Hell no," he answered. "It's the reason I fought becoming a doctor for so long." They laughed loudly, the sound echoed through the black bedroom, bouncing back to them, making them laugh even harder. It was so easy. Easy. Being with Ben was simple. He made her comfortable and she felt safe and loved. She found that she even liked the little vulnerability that she felt with him.

"So, I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Go ahead," she said curious to what he might ask.

"And you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Ben Warren. I'll answer the question."

He turned slightly. "Did you only want one child or did you want more and you guys… just never got around to it?" Ben licked his lips.

A tiny smile appeared on Miranda's face. There were some things that she'd pushed so far down inside of herself and they only surfaced when she remembered to remember them. "We, uh—we tried. A lot." Miranda blew a little air out of her nose. "I told you that Tucker and I got married just before I started med school, right?"

"Yeah, I remember." Ben took another bite of the blue cake.

"Well, right after, you know, he wanted to start a family, but I was in school and I didn't think that I could handle it all." The man in her bed nodded sympathetically. "It's a lot, raising a baby, being a wife, going to school and I was working at the time."

"I believe it, Miranda."

"I wanted to wait. But people kept saying things like: 'Don't wait too late,' 'y'all aren't getting any younger' or 'you want to start now so you can have more than one'. And it upset me because I felt like everyone was trying to make me choose between my future career and my family. Tucker didn't have to choose. There was no sacrifice on his part. No one ever makes men choose."

"No, they don't."

"Exactly, but I conceded. I told Tucker, you know, 'let's have a baby'." Absentmindedly, Miranda stroked the back of Ben's head. "It's not as easy as some people make it out to be."

"Having a baby?" Ben asked.

Miranda nodded. "It's—well, for me—it wasn't intercourse and poof! I was pregnant." Ben's hand landed on her thigh. "After a year of really trying with the ovulation schedules and having sex even when we were mad at each other, I didn't—we never got pregnant. Not one time."

"I'm sorry, baby," Ben said putting the plate back on the nightstand and turning around to kiss her. She could taste the cake on his lips and smiled into his mouth. "You taste sweet."

Miranda blushed as he moved beside her. She looked at him and didn't stop her hand from reaching out to touch his face. He was real. Ben told her to keep going. "Oh," she sighed. "One day, I took a test, already knowing that it was going to be negative—again. And… I was wrong. Which doesn't happen often," she said with a chuckle. He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and pretended to whistle. She hit him and continued to speak as he rubbed his chest. "I just sat down and cried. Being pregnant was such a joyful time." She smiled thinking about that time. It seemed like it'd happened ages ago. "I would smile just because. I was so happy—she gave me so much energy. I mean, I'd be in class and someone would ask a question and my hand would shoot up in the air. I was like, uh, Hermione from Harry Potter." She and Ben laughed. "It was like she was giving me the answers."

"Hermione?" Ben asked looking confused.

"No, the baby," Miranda answered with a weak smile.

"Oh." His voice was melancholy. He knew where the story was going.

She inhaled deeply and sighed. She felt tears prick her eyes and touched her stomach, wrapping an arm around herself. "Two months later, Tucker and I went to my doctor's appointment and she was gone."

"Gone?"

Miranda wiped away some tears. "The d-doctor said that it happened sometimes." Ben's pressed his hand against her back and pulled her closer to him. She ignored the tears slowly streaming down her face. "We tell patients that they 'lost' their baby… like they can be found, b—." Miranda took a deep breath and composed herself. "After that, we stopped trying. I mean, I just couldn't bear another heartache like that. It was too much. Not being able to get pregnant is one thing, but being pregnant one day and then finding out that you're not is too painful."

"Miranda, I can't imagine," he told her, his thumb brushing against her cheeks, wiping away some tears. "It must have been so difficult."

"That's—I'm fine," Miranda told him. "It was… a long time ago." She smiled to let him know that she was all right. She cleared her throat and started again. "Some years flew by and I got pregnant with Tuck. My little fireball." Ben gave a wide smile. "We weren't even trying. I was starting my fellowship and all I kept thinking about was how tough it was going to be, juggling everything. But, he was—he is such a blessing." Ben nodded and kissed Miranda's forehead. "Carrying Tuck is how I know my first baby was a girl. Carrying him, I was hungry all of the time. I had no liveliness. I was tired and curt with everyone."

"What about Tucker."

"Oh! Especially Tucker." She giggled. "Did you know that carrying a boy in your uterus means you burn 19% more calories than if you had a girl?" He looked intrigued. "Yep. Men. From the very beginning they just suck the life right out of you."

Ben gasped dramatically. "That's messed up. We don't."

She nodded. "I'll soon have an ex-husband, but I also have a son, two fathers, a boyfriend and plenty of male co-workers. I know what I know." Ben's fingers found her stomach and tickled her. "Okay. Okay. You don't."

"Thank you."

"Mostly," she added quickly making Ben howl with laughter. Miranda laughed as well.

"So do you want more children?"

Miranda thought for a second. "I always figured that we, uh, Tucker and I, would have more time to."

"That doesn't really answer my quest—"

"Yes."

He nodded. "Figures."

"How?"

"You're an amazing mother."

She bypassed his comment. "So, Ben Warren, do you want children?"

"Of course," he responded without hesitating. "And then maybe my mom and Evelyn will get off my back. They want me married and they want me to be a father." He chuckled lightly and looked at her, waiting for her to respond. She opened her mouth and snapped it shut immediately. The two of them stayed in the silence. Her mind was buzzing. Was there a timeline where she and Ben had kids together? One in which they were married? In which their forever lasted longer than the one she'd planned with Tucker? "I think…" Ben started, his words pulling her out her thoughts. "I think I'd be a great dad."

"I don't dissagree," Miranda answered, finally finding her voice. He moved in to kiss her chest. "What was that for?"

"Because I love you," he said with a smile. "And you're mine and I can kiss you anywhere." He kissed her chest again; her nipples perked up. "Anytime." His lips found her neck making her body pound. She wondered if Ben could tell that she wanted him—again. "And for as long as I want to." Ben kissed her lips, hard and deep. Miranda grabbed the sides of his face, pushing as much of her tongue into his mouth as she could. Enough never seemed to be enough. He sucked on her bottom lip causing her to change positions, moving from her side to her back. He took the opportunity to climb on top of her. He kissed her deeply. His hands lifted her shirt up and caressed the side of her body.

"Oh, no, you don't!" She said pushing him off. The bed shook as he landed on his back.

"What?" He asked with a laugh. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

"My son has a game tomorrow and I will not walk into the gym with sex hair and bags under my eyes."

"You'd still look good."

She blushed, her cheeks growing hot. "That is not the point, Ben Warren." He poked out his lips and she rolled her eyes at him, arching an eyebrow.

He put up his hands, pulling her into his chest. "Fine," Ben said into her ear, making her spine shake. "But I think you're gonna regret it."

Miranda made a noise. "Baby, that's a risk I'm willing to take."

Ben rested his chin in the cavern between her shoulder and her face. "I've dreamed about this."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Is that an unmanly thing to say?"

She shook her head. "I have, too."

"Mmmm…. And?"

"It was definitely better than I expected," she admitted. Her cheeks flushed again.

Ben held her tighter. "Yes," he hissed in her ear.

"Now that you got my stamp of approval, can I go to sleep?" Ben nodded. "Good night." He repeated the sentiment, kissing her behind her ear. More goose bumps appeared as she whispered: "I love you, Ben Warren." She waited a second for him to respond. When he didn't, she let go a small sigh of relief. She was surprised at how true her last statement was. She really did love him and would probably always love him. For all she knew, he could be The One. The Real One. The Right One. The rest of her life could be shared with him and she would be so lucky. He would never be rude or disrespectful. He'd always love her. Although she was trying to go to sleep, her feelings for him were overwhelming her. The surgeon didn't want to get ahead of herself, didn't want to skip a step, that's how people made mistakes. She wanted to take it slow and easy. Patience was the key. But being in his arms, feeling his chest rise against her back was an amazing feeling. It had been a long time since she'd been this close to a man. Miranda closed her eyes and felt her body start to relax. And she fell asleep.