"Today, from the group, I'd like to hear from Riley."
"You got this Matthews," Max whispered in Riley's ear. He'd done it so many times before in group and their late night rendezvous but it still made her feel weak, that and the lack of food and sleep.
Riley stood up to the podium, "Hello, I'm Riley. I've been here since last Tuesday, so a week exactly. I was diagnosed with major depression. I wasn't forced to be here but I was caught hurting myself. It was my cousin and my parents who found out about it, seeing them in so much pain made me realize the severity of the state I was in. I came here the next morning. I realized I didn't want to hurt them anymore but I also don't want to hurt myself anymore."
Max watched as she played them all, dignified and well spoken, not overly emotional. She had this in the palm of her hand, they clapped for her when she said she didn't want to hurt herself anymore.
"Being here is something I needed, I needed to talk it out with professionals, I needed time off, I needed to be away from my responsibilities. But I feel like I'm ready to back to my life outside of these walls."
Dr. Moskowitz said, "I think you are too Riley, I'm glad to see you're improving! How did you do with your family here on Sunday?"
Max noticed Riley get nervous quickly but then she covered it up just as fast. "Well, it was emotional to say the least, and it hurt. It breaks my heart to know I hurt them. I'd missed them, I still do. We had an individual session and I think some things that had to be said, were said and we're much better off now."
"I'm happy to hear that, you can sit down now if you'd like."
"Thank you Dr. Moskowitz."
Riley sat down next to Max and he looked at her and said, "I'm going to miss you when you leave." She held his hand, no excuse or reason, she just wanted to do it.
Max and Riley were laying in her bed after they had sex that night. She was on her stomach and her head on his chest, but she picked it up to look up at Max. "Why don't we ever talk about you?"
Max chose his words wisely, "I am not as intriguing as you, but I'll let you know whatever you want. What do you want to know?"
"Give me the rundown, Sinclair. I want to know it all."
"Ok, ok. I am Max Sinclair, I am 17. I am currently in a psych ward but when I'm not, I go to Columbia Grammar & Prep. I am one of three kids, there are the twins, Ben and Pen. Pen is my best friend, I also have another best friend from school who I miss dearly, his name is Hunter. I tried lacrosse, I wasn't terrible. I'm probably going to go to college, I don't have one in mind but I'll study business and probably take over Sinclair Co."
"Get deep, I want to know your secrets, you know more about me than I know about you."
Max proposed something, "For everything you tell me, I'll tell you something. The deeper you get, the deeper I get."
Riley contemplated the offer, "Deal."
Max started, "Since I set up the deal, I will go first. The first time I drank, I was 12."
"I was 13." Riley had been left alone for the night, Maya had plans with Lucas so she got dangerously drunk on her own. "It was the first night I cut myself."
Max didn't answer, he read Riley's face, she was going to say more.
"I don't remember much because I got very drunk very fast, alone. I remember making one cut but then I woke up and they lined my arms, nothing deep but it stung. I hadn't even worn a long sleeve shirt to bed. And then Maya climbed through my window, she's always done that, it wasn't weird. But she never noticed, I kept my arms underneath the bed until I asked her to throw me a sweatshirt. She was too busy talking about how her and Lucas had gotten to second base last night. She didn't notice how I had blood in my eyes from my hangover and the fact that I woke up, looked at my arms and cried so insanely hard for 30 minutes before she showed up. She didn't notice how I flinched whenever I moved at all. She didn't even notice when I got up to throw up mid conversation, she thought I was peeing. That was when I didn't feel worth it…"
"Riley, I have something, but I'm scared to give it to you."
"Max, I've had your dick before but is that all you're thinking about right now?"
"Oh my god, no!" Max blushed, "I have a gift that isn't my dick but you have to promise me, you won't kill yourself."
"I can't promise that I won't ever kill myself but I can temporarily, I won't kill myself in here. What do you have?"
Max pulled the blade out of his pocket and handed it to Riley. He said nothing.
"How did you get this?"
"Janitor that caught us fucking gave it to me."
Riley hugged Max and whispered, "Thank you."
Riley asked, "Max, if I get out soon, will I ever see you again?"
"Maybe sometime in the future, you'll be in a café writing a book, because everything you do is beautiful, your writings will follow suit. And I'll walk in, like the big business asshole who talks on his cell phone the whole time. Until I see you, I'll stop and sit across from you doing nothing but staring, taking it how well time has treated you and how I didn't think you could get anymore beautiful. I'll see you in real sunlight unlike this place; I'll inevitably fall for you. You might have a boyfriend and I'll be a forever bachelor, but you changed me now, so you'll change me then. It will be tumultuous at first, because I screw up relationships but it'll all make sense, and we will be alright, you and me."
"I've changed you?" Riley questioned.
"You have, part of my BPD is that I have destructive relationships but ever since you came around I've calmed down, my family sees the difference, my doctor does too. That isn't some deep-rooted ploy to keep you here to make me better, but yeah, you've changed me, for the better. You'll be out of here before me, but who knows, maybe I'll get out sooner than expected. But if our time is limited, I'll tell you another secret, I lie about the reason I'm in here. That happened, but it isn't why I'm in here. I had one of my mood swings and I was drunk and I put my fist through a ton of Penelope's paintings. I was trying to make a point to my parents, yelling at them that they didn't care enough about her and her paintings and that I might as well. My reasoning was terrible. She walked in and saw what I did and bawled her eyes out. That was the day I told my parents there was something wrong with me and that I had to do something. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to anyone else and it makes me look weak, so I tell the other reason instead."
"Max, that doesn't make you look weak. That makes you look like a real genuine person, you're relationship with your sister was that important to you that you've been in here a month, to work on yourself. I think you should tell that, it will help you help yourself."
"Thanks, maybe I will. You're up."
Riley contemplated whether to tell Max but she did, "You took my virginity in that closet."
"Wait seriously? I just thought I earned my red wings. You deserved better than a janitor's closet, I'm sorry Riley."
"It's fine, you didn't know and I don't regret it at all." Riley answered.
"I vow that if we ever see each other outside of these hospital walls that I'll make it up to you. It will be romantic and cheesy and you'll hate it but I'll love it and you'll put up with it because you like seeing me happy." Max smiled, Riley smiled.
"I actually do like seeing you happy," Riley admitted.
"As part of our session today, I want you to imagine you're telling a group of people about your depression, what it's like, how you feel. Whatever you feel comfortable saying just say to me." Dr. Gallagher said.
"Okay, I'd start by saying it isn't as glamorous as it is portrayed. It isn't going out and getting drunk all the time or doing drugs to forget about it. It's hard and it comes when you're alone, you wake up early in the morning and your thoughts are the only ones awake with you. So they talk to you and you try to get them to stop but they won't. You get sad and cry yourself to sleep, you don't get out of bed; you don't do the things you used to love to do because it's too much work. 'Sorry I can't come out, me and my thoughts are busy doing absolutely nothing tonight!' You sleep different, you eat different, everything is different. But then it stops, you don't cry and you pull yourself out of bed. And then it seems like you're numb. You go through the motions and some people might not even notice you're only the body of someone they once knew. Your circumstances aren't different anymore, you are different. And you'll realize that you desperately want to feel again, because you feel nothing so you'll cut like the celebrities and the pretty girls in the movies. It isn't enough, it is science that makes you feel like this. It isn't that you failed a test or your parents are divorcing, it's biology. Your neurotransmitters don't work, it's chemistry. I beg that if you or anyone else you know might have depression, get help. Depression is terrible but it could get better, I promise that." Riley cried a single tear, not on purpose but she related to what she had said.
"That was wonderfully said Riley. I've already talked to your mother and with the improvement we've seen, you are scheduled to go home on Friday."
"This Friday? Like in two days Friday?"
"Yes, do you feel like you aren't ready?"
"No, I'm ready! I'm just surprised, I'm very excited to get back to my life!" Lie.
Sorry about the wait, it isn't the longest or strongest chapter but I wanted to get something out there. Let me know what you think, suggestions, etc. I like to see them. Thanks for reading and I hope to have another chapter up soon!