Chapter 15 - Guilty Conscience

Bella's Point Of View

Guilt. That's all I felt as I was laying in my bed. The sky wasn't dark yet, but the overwhelming emotion of guilt, flooded my system, as soon as I got home. I tried to wash it away. The shower did little to mask the feeling. When I dressed in my comfortable pajamas and climbed into bed, I hoped that I would be able to sleep it off.

I kept telling myself that, "this is only until tomorrow. He'll find out tomorrow that everything's okay."

That didn't ease the headache that was forming in my temple.

When I sat in Kim's bedroom, listening to Jared's downfall, I was elated that I was finally getting the payback that I deserved. Payback is a bitch.

Now? Now, I'm not entirely certain that what we did... what I did, was all that harmless.

The scenarios on how this could play out were eating at my conscience. What if he didn't forgive Kim? What if this destroyed their solid relationship? What if my actions tore them apart?

I couldn't live with that.

Fucking conscience.

Sighing, I threw the blankets off of me and climbed out of bed. Slipping on my shoes, I walked out of my bedroom.

"Dad?" I asked, when I found him sitting in his recliner.

"Bella?" He didn't look at me, as he was too engrossed on what was playing on the television.

"Where does Paul live?"

He turned his head to look at me, and must have noticed my... unease. "Everything okay, Bella?"

"Um..." I started. "I just need to clear a few things up."

He studied me for a few minutes, before reaching over to the table sitting next to him. It took him only a couple of seconds to scribble the address on the sticky note pad that he had always had beside his chair.

"Here." He said, as he passed it to me. "How long are you going to be out?"

"Um, I'm not sure." I said, as I reached for my hooded sweatshirt, on the back of the couch. "I'll be home as soon as I get some things figured out."

"Bella, you're still in your pajamas" He said, as I had reached the door and turned the handle.

I glanced down at myself. "It's okay dad. I'm covered. I'm not going to be that long."

"Alright then. See you later." He finished as he turned back to the television.

I closed the door softly and walked briskly in the direction of the address that was on the tiny yellow piece of paper.

When I got there, though, I hesitated at the door.

Was I doing the right thing?

"Come on Bella. When in the hell did you become a fucking wimp?" I asked myself, as I shook my head to clear it.

"Ever since you fucked up someone's life. You better hope you can fix this." I answered myself. Great. They say it's not crazy to talk to yourself. It's only crazy if you answer back. Right?

Knock Bella. Just, knock.

I hesitated a few more seconds, as my hand hovered in the air. With a couple of deep breaths, I finally summoned the courage to pound three times.

My new found courage deflated as soon as I heard the "one second" come from the other side. I wanted to run, but my legs felt like lead.

Was I doing the right thing?

No more than a few moments later, the door opened slowly, and a beautiful older woman stood before me.

"Can I help you?" She asked, as she dried her hands on a small kitchen towel.

"Is... Is Paul home?" I shoved my hands in my pockets, as my nerves took over.

"May I ask, who you are?" She asked, as she slung the towel over her shoulder and put her hand on the door frame.

"Bella." I said, as I shifted from foot to foot. "Bella Dwyer... I mean Swan. Bella Swan."

She smiled brightly. "Oh, so you're Bella."

I wasn't sure what she meant. She had obviously heard of me, as she had recognized my name.

"In the flesh." I said, as I took my hands out and spread my arms wide.

She smiled again. "He's upstairs in his bedroom with Jared. Go on up, love." She said, as she grabbed the sleeve of my sweatshirt and pulled me inside. She shut the door quietly behind us.

"Are you... are you sure that's okay?" I asked, as I looked back and forth between her and stairs.

"Of course, dear." She said as she nodded towards the stairs. "It's the second door on the left." She winked.

Winked!

I walked slowly to the stairs, and took the first step. Turning, I glanced back at her, and she had the biggest grin, that I'd ever seen.

"Go on." She encouraged.

Taking a deep, very necessary breath, I turned and climbed the stairs. Every step that I took felt heavier and heavier on my legs, and I began questioning my impulsive ideas.

A whispered "so refreshing" and "a much better choice" rested heavily on my shoulders, as I felt his mother's eyes on me the entire way up.

I knew right away which room was his. Not only because his mother had told me that his was the second door on the left, but because the loud bass of a stereo blared through the designated door.

I knocked quietly and waited. I waited for what felt like ages. I knocked again, a little louder. I was close. So close. And, I was becoming sick to my stomach.

"Mom, I said I'd do the dishes in..." Paul said as he swung the door open.

"I think she already did them, Paul." I said as I tried to slow my racing heart.

"What are you doing here?" He said, ignoring my attempt at being humorous.

"I just..." I started, as I twisted the end of my sweater in my hand. "Is Jared here?"

"Yes, Bella." He said, as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "But, you already new that, didn't you?" He leaned forward a little bit and snarled. "So I'm asking again. What the fuck are you doing here?"

I looked pleadingly into his dark eyes. "I just need to talk to him. Please?"

He studied me for a few minutes, sighed, and then stepped aside. Waving his hand in front of him, he gestured me into his room.

It only took a second to find Jared. He was slumped over a chair, sitting next to the window. His head was in his hands, and he looked devastated. Tortured.

My heart plummeted.

"Jared?" I whispered.

He didn't look up. He refused to look at me. He spoke to the floor. "What the fuck do you want, Bella?"

"I'm sorry." I whispered. My eyes were welling, as tears threatened to fall. "I fucked up. I took it to far."

"You have absolutely no idea, what the fuck you did, Bella." He said, as he stood and moved closer to me.

His body was stiff. His eyes murderous.

"Jared, man." Paul said, as he moved to stand in front of me. "Go sit back down. Mom will flip if you phase in here."

Jared took a few steps back, and dropped himself, heavily, back down into the chair.

"She's the best thing that ever happened to me." He whispered, as he ran his fingers through his short hair. "With this fucked up life... the phasing... the things I've fucking seen...done... She was my fucking rock." He swiped angraly at his eyes. "She made it feel like it wasn't so fucking bad. She was my gift."

The guilt was going to swallow me.

Swallowing thickly, I raced to fix what I'd done. I had to make this right.

"She knows that it's not true, Jared." I said, as I rubbed my sleeve over my eyes.

He's eyes snapped to mine. The hard lines of torture, turning to confusion.

"What do you mean, she know's that it's not true?" He said.

"I set it up." I said, as I moved closer to the bed. I had to sit down. "I'm a bitch. I get that. But I... I couldn't... wouldn't... stoop so low as to make her think that you'd really do anything like that to her. I recruited her help."

I fidgeted in my seat, as I let the weight of my words settle into the room.

It was quiet for a few minutes as he absorbed what I said.

"She knew?" He asked, but then he began to laugh. Really laugh. "She knew and she just let all of this happen?"

"Please don't hold this against her!" I said, as I stood up and moved closer to him. I didn't want this to come back on her. "I told her. I told her about everything that happened to me...when I was Izzy. She felt bad for me. I used that to gain her help. It was wrong of me, but I'm entirely to damn selfish. I wasn't thinking." I cried.

"Why that?" He asked, as he lifted his head to look me in the eyes. "Why do that though?"

I had my answer for that. Even if it wouldn't make much since to anyone but me, I had it.

"That was the only thing I could think of, that would get you back for the things that you use to tell me when we were younger." I whispered. I could barely hear my own voice. But, I knew that he could hear me.

"What do you mean?"

"You..." I started. I leaned back against the dresser that was directly across from his position in the chair. "You used to tell me that no one would ever want me. You made it crystal clear that I wasn't good enough." I rubbed my hand over my face again. "I wanted you to feel that. That pain. That crushing pain of thinking that someone really didn't want you. I wanted you to want something that wasn't in reach. I realize that I went to far."

"How long?" He asked, as he sighed and stood from his chair.

"What?"

"How long were you going to make me wallow like this?" He asked as he grabbed his t shirt from the back of the chair and threw it on over his head.

"Just until tomorrow." I hurried to say.

"Why are you here now, then? Why not just let it play out?"

"Because, I felt like shit." I said, as I stepped away from the dresser, and back into the middle of the room. "I felt so fucking guilty."

He started laughing again. Hard. At me!

"What's so funny?"

"There are a few things I find funny." He said, as he slipped his shoes onto his feet. "First, you're guilt. I didn't think that was an emotion you were ever capable of feeling. And second... my girl should really become an actress. I really believed that she believed all that shit that happened. Those fucking pictures were incriminating enough."

His laughter died out, but he was still smiling. "How did you get my phone?"

"We distracted you long enough to get your phone out of your bag."

He chuckled again, and then moved to stand in front of me.

"Does this mean we're even now? Can we start fresh, please?"

"Yes." I said honestly. "I can't guarantee that there wont be a time that I wont drug you, strip you down, and leave you spooning with one of the guys, but I can promise that I won't interfere with your relationship with Kim again."

Paul and Jared both started howling in laughter at the mental image that I'm sure I implanted in both of their heads.

"Since we're starting new, Bella, I'm Jared. It's nice to meet you." He said, as he lifted his hand and waited for me to take it.

"Nice to meet you too, Jared." I said, taking it firmly and shaking it slowly.

"Does that mean I can get a fresh start too?" A small voice said right next to my ear.

Pulling away from Jared, I stepped to the side. Out of Paul's personal space. "No."

"But you gave him a fresh start." He said, as he pointed to Jared, and stuck his bottom lip out.

"That's because I fucked up and went to far. I have no doubt you can handle whatever is thrown your way Paul." I said, laughing.

"You're probably right." He said,smiling at me.

"I'm going over to Kim's." Jared piped up, as he moved around us towards the door.

"Jared, please go easy on her."

"Don't worry, Bella. I won't hold this against her." He said, as he waved his hand around in a circle. "If I'm being completely honest, I'm really happy that she knew this whole thing wasn't real."

He turned and ran out of the room. His loud footsteps were heard all the way down the stairs.

"That was a really fucked up thing to do." Paul said, as he moved a little closer to me.

"I know, Paul. I apologized. It's over with." I walked towards the door, trying to make a quick escape.

"Where are you going?" He said, as he slid up behind me and closed the door over my shoulder, before I had a chance to make my way through it.

"Home." I said.

Wasn't it obvious that I finished what I set out to do?

"Don't leave yet." He whispered, into my left ear.

I felt the heat radiating off of his body. I was starting to feel warm. Too warm.

"Why would I want to stay?" I asked, as I lifted my hand to the door handle.

His arms wrapped around me. Trapping my in his steel like embrace.

"Why did you feel guilty, Bella?" He continued to whisper. His voice alone were causing chills to race up and down my spine. "Why didn't you just let it all play out?"

"I don't know." I said, surrendering to him. "I heard how he was pleading with her. I wanted him to suffer, Paul. I wanted him to feel a fraction of what I felt. I wanted him to feel unwanted."

"I've never seen you like that, Bella." He said, as he moved his arms from around me. He brought his hand up and swiped the hair off of my right shoulder.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Vulnerable." He bent forward a little and laid his forehead on my shoulder. "I didn't like it."

"It won't happen again."

"Does that mean you're done?"

"No..."

His small caresses were making my head swirl. My mind was racing. This isn't right. Right?

"What's the point?" He asked, as he trailed his finger up my arm. "What are you gaining in pulling all the pranks?"

"It feels good." I said, not entirely sure if I was talking about the pranks or his soft ministrations. Maybe it was both. "What other reason do I need, Paul?"

"Seth seems to be in your good graces now." He said as he blew a soft breath against my exposed neck.

The haze suddenly broke, and I saw what he was doing. Stepping to the side..away from his... heat, I turned to look at him.

"Is that what this is about?" I asked as I waved my hand back and forth between us.

"What?"

"You're jealous, aren't you?" I smirked.

His face turned red. "No."

I laughed. "Yes you are! Look at your face! Why are you jealous of him, anyways?"

"I'm not jealous." He huffed, as he raked his hand through his hair. "I just don't understand why you're so forgiving towards him. Everyone else is going through hell! They want to be your friend!"

"If you listened to me the other day, I explained why I forgave him! Seth wasn't like the rest of you." I said, pointing at him. "He came to me! He apologized because he wanted to. He didnt have an ulterior motives. He did it because he was truly sorry. And he sure as hell didn't need prompting."

We stood there in silence for a few moments, after my mini rant. The silence caused a small hum to start in my ears.

I had to get out of here.

"I'm making popcorn." The small voice came from the other side of the door with a light knock. "Do you guys want to come down and watch a movie?"

"No thank you, ma'am." I said through the door. "I was just leaving."

"Okay." She said sadly. "Paul, I'll be downstairs. I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes."

Paul's eyes never left mine when he answered his mom. "I'll be down in a few minutes."

Her footsteps were heard, retreating back down the hallway.

Our staring was heated. Neither of us were willing to be the first to break. When he took a step closer to me, I took a step back. This dance continued, until my back was pressed tightly against the door. That damn door.

The heat was back. But it was different. More.

"I wish you'd try to forgive me, Bella." He said, as he leaned in. His lips were inches away from mine. His soft breath, like a sauna. "I'd like to be your friend."

"I don't need anymore friends, Paul." I whispered, as I leaned my head back against the door to look up into his dark eyes.

"We're not that much different." He continued, as he pressed his body to mine.

"We're complete opposites, Paul."

"We're not." He said, as he lowered his lips to mine. The spark ignited and flames consumed me. I've never felt this way. Never.

Everything in my head was yelling at me to pull away.

His eyes were closed. A small hum, escaping from his lips and onto mine.

When he pulled away, I was struggling. I wanted to pull him back in. I wanted to push him away.

"Think about it, Bella." He whispered, as he took a step back.

"No, Paul." I had to keep my head straight.

"Game on." He smirked, and then stepped away.

I turned and opened the door quickly, and ran out of there as fast as I could. It wasn't until I hit the pavement of the road in front of his house that I realized what had happened.

"He just fucking played me." I whispered, as I glanced back at his house. "Damn, he's good."