Chapter 24 - Dragonfly

Paul's Point Of View

The rain pelted against the windows, shortly after we slipped into the comfortable confines of my car.

The lighthearted amusement was short lived as Bella curled into herself and gazed out the window.

I didn't know what she was thinking. I wish that I did.

"My place okay?" I asked, as I pulled off of the side of the road.

She hummed and nodded slightly.

It only took five minutes to reach my house, and when I finally pulled into the driveway, she slipped from the car and ran towards the door.

Sighing, I shifted the car into park, and climbed out.

I knew that this was going to be difficult. Bringing up the past hurt, confusion and pain, never was.

Racing towards the door, I pulled open the screen and walked through.

"Wipe your feet." Mom yelled, as she narrowed her eyes at me from the kitchen doorframe.

"Yes, ma'am" I wiped my feet on the small rug that mom placed in front of the door, and moved towards the kitchen. "Where's Bella?" I asked in confusion, when I didn't see her.

"She went upstairs." She said as she pointed towards the ceiling. "I'm heading out. Be good." She stepped in front of me, and narrowed her eyes. "I mean it, Paul."

"I got it." I said as I lifted both of my hands up in submission.

With one last look, she brushed past me, and out the door.

Raking my hand through my hair, I moved to the refrigerator and grabbed a couple of bottles of water, before leaving the kitchen behind me and heading up the stairs.

My bedroom door was slightly ajar, and when I pushed it open to enter, I saw Bella sitting in the chair by the window. Her hand was wrapped tightly into a fist. Her back and forth rocking motion, was evidence of the nervousness that I'm sure she was feeling.

I moved to the dresser and placed the unopened bottles on top. Turning, I studied her. I'd let her run this show.

"When I was little," she started, as she gazed out at the gray sky. "I use to think I could be anybody. Do anything."

I sat quietly on the edge of my bed. My body facing towards her. "You are someone."

She snorted a laugh. "Am I?" she asked as her eyes dropped to her lap in concentration. "I was so focused… so determined. I wanted to hate you." When her sad eyes lifted to mine I inhaled sharply at the pain etched in her delicate features. "Why can't I hate you?" She finished, brokenly.

"Bella…"

"I became so focused on wanting to hate everything about you. About this messed up situation… I was so close." she raised her closed fist off of her lap, and opened it slowly. "Why do you still have this, Paul?"

I recognized it immediately. Damn it mom. The small silver and pink beaded dragonfly necklace laid gently in the middle of her palm. I saved my allowance up the entire summer in order to get that necklace for her seventh birthday.

"You gave it back." I said. I couldn't remove my eyes from her hand.

I wanted to reach out and grab it. Put it in my jacket where it belonged. I've carried it with me ever since she handed it back with a broken cry and a painfully whispered, "I'm sorry."

"You kept it."

"I had too." I said quietly, more to myself than to her.

"Why?"

I reached over and gently picked the small necklace out of her outstretched hand. "We use to say that we could conquer whatever the world threw at us." I flipped the charm over and lightly traced it's lines with my fingers. "We'd be out by that muddy stream, and there'd be dragonflies all over the place. Do you remember?"

She nodded minutely. "I remember."

I laughed quietly. "I'd find the biggest branch that I could. I'd protect you from the evil dragons." Standing, I walked over to the dresser and placed the small trinket on top. "We'd spend hours out there." I dropped my eyes to the floor, lost in my own memory. "One day I caught one in that old mason jar, and brought it home with us. You were so upset when mom made us release it out back."

"So you got me one to keep forever."

"Yea." I said, as I raked my hand through my disheveled hair.

"I thought you'd get rid of it." She said as she nodded towards my dresser.

I glanced at the object in question and shook my head no. "I was going too. Hell, I did at one point. I was so… so mad!"

"I get it."

"No, Bella." I said as I sat back down on the bed. Only this time I was a little closer. "I don't think you do."

"Explain it to me then." She pleaded.

Laying back against the soft bed, I rested my arm over my eyes. "That day of the accident; when the accident happened, I was so determined to make sure that you were okay. That's all I could think about. I couldn't let you go because you were so scared."

"And you didn't." She said as she reached forward and nudged my leg. "You held me until the ambulance showed up. You didn't let me go."

"I couldn't let you go." I said, snorting. "It wasn't even an option to me, back then."

"I don't understand?"

"Bella, I was so focused on you, that my dad died. For the longest time I thought that maybe if I had done more. Helped more. Then maybe…" I yelled, as I sat up.

"Paul." She said, shaking her head back and forth. "We were kids. There was nothing that we could've done." She whispered.

"I know that, now." I stood and walked back towards the dresser. Tearing the cap off of the top of my water, I downed half of the bottle, before placing it back in its spot. "Believe me, mom has made me aware of it."

"I'm sorry." She whispered, as she lowered her eyes to her hands.

"That's just it. There's nothing to be sorry for!"

I sat on the floor. My back fell heavily against the front of my dresser. Pulling my knees up to my chest I continued, "the week following, you were constantly by my side. I needed you, but I hated you at the same time. Does that make any sense?"

"A lot." She said as she stood and moved over towards me. She sat down next to me on the hard floor, and leaned against the dresser, mimicking my position.

"Your constant presence reminded me… I didn't want to remember." I said as I lowered my head to my knees.

"So you pushed me away." She stated. She already knew. She was there.

I nodded. "The week after dad's funeral, mom was a wreck. You came over and asked if I wanted to go to our spot, and hang out." I lifted my head and stared at the ceiling.

"I thought I was helping."

"I didn't want you too." I nudged her lightly with my left shoulder. "I pushed you into the mud puddle in the back yard. Told you to go away and never come back."

"I was so upset." She whispered, just as lost in the memory as I was.

"That night you came back over. I refused to see you, so mom answered the door. I was standing on the other side. When mom said that I wasn't ready for company, I heard you cry." I rubbed the heel of my hands into my dampening eyes. "That was the first time I ever made you cry. That I ever heard you cry because of me."

"It's okay, Paul." She said as she reached a hand up and lightly stroked my arm.

"It's really not, Bella." I said as I pulled away from her slowly. I stood and began pacing in front of her. Back and forth. Back and forth . "You gave my mom that necklace to give to me. I was pissed because you didn't want it anymore."

"It's not that I didn't want…."

"I know!" I said raising my voice. I took a deep breath and apologized. "It took me a while to remember what I told you when I gave you that dragonfly."

"Whenever you feel sad, hold it close. The magic in it's wings will help you. She'll make you happy again. When you sleep she'll grab a hold of your sadness. She'll fly out the window carrying your burden, and bury it in our creek." She whispered.

I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and nodded. "I was so mean to you. So damned mean. But, you didn't care." I said as I sat on the edge of the bed and placed my head in my hands.

"I thought you'd come back to me."

I lifted my head, and met her penetrating gaze.

"I hoped her magic would work. I hoped that eventually she'd help take the pain away on her fluttering wings. Childish dreams." She huffed.

"No, Bella. Not childish."

"It didn't work though." She said as she lifted her eyes towards the top of the dresser. "If anything, by the time junior high started, you hated me more."

"It was easier to let you hate me." I said. I wasn't sure if my explanation would make any since. I've grown up. Learned. But, I was a kid at the time. "Mom was in a deep depression by the time eighth grade rolled around. I saw what dad's dying did to her."

"Okay?" She asked, studying me.

"I didn't want that." I slipped off of the bed and sat cross-legged on the floor directly in front of her. "I missed you. So much." I picked at an invisible piece of lint on the carpet. "I started hanging out with Jared and Sam. They were assholes. It was easy to be like that. Like them."

"I'm not understanding." Bella, said as she crossed her legs in front of her, and narrowed her eyes.

"You wouldn't hate me!" I yelled. "I tried to make you hate me. I didn't want to go through what mom went through if I were to ever lose you. I couldn't be attached like that. I just couldn't." I rushed out in one breathe.

"You're a coward." She said as she glared at me. "You said…"

"Forget what I've said, Bella!" I moved to my knees. "I've done a lot of stupid shit. I've said even more! Everything I've done, I've done in order to protect myself from you."

"From me?" She said as she gasped angrily and moved to her knees. "How was I a threat, Paul?"

"Because you fucking made me feel!" I lowered myself to sit on my heels. "I didn't want to feel anymore." I whispered.

Her face softened, as she walked across the floor to me, on her knees.

"When you left that day, and never came back, it only solidified the fact that I was right!"

"What do you mean?"

"Eventually you left…"

"Paul, you guys tormented me. You put me through hell!" She yelled, as she stood and moved towards the door.

"Wait! Don't leave. Please, let me finish." I said, as I rose and grabbed her wrist lightly.

She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "You drove me away, Paul."

"I know, I know. Just hear me out." I said, as I tugged lightly on her arm. She moved to the bed, and sat on the edge, crossing one leg over the other. "I didn't mean to hurt you like I did." I started and she glared. "I wanted to piss you off. I wanted you to hate me."

"So you put me through, all that?"

I sat down a few inches next to her. "I never said I was smart, Bella." I said, jokingly. "After a while, it didn't even register anymore. I somehow separated the you that I was friends with, to the you in school."

"That doesn't make since!" She said as she uncrossed her legs and turned. She folded her legs neatly in front of her, and crosses her arms over the top.

"It make since to me." I said, quietly. "I was able to separate the girl I knew, my best friend, from the girl that grew up without me."

"You didn't want me anymore!" She argued.

"I did." I said, as I turned to face her fully. "I just didn't want to want you."

"I can't shut it off, Paul. I can't just forget…"

"I know." I said, as I cut in. "I'm not asking you to forget."

"Then what do you want from me?" She asked, defeated.

What did I want from her? Standing, I walked over to the dresser and picked up the briefly forgotten necklace. Stroking it softly, I moved to stand in front of her.

Reaching down, I lightly picked up her hand, from her lap, and placed the pink and silver dragonfly in her palm.

"Let her take your burdens. Let her absorb your sadness." I closed my hands over hers. "Let it be buried in the creek."

A tear slipped from her eye, as her fingers wrapped around our dragonfly.

Author's Note

It's short, but it's a little insight on what happened in the past. I'd really like your feedback on this one, as it's a massive turning point in the story. Let me know what you think!