Shepard looked in the mirror, seeing her face for the first time in weeks. Her eyes looked like some asshole tried to suck them out with a vacuum cleaner, her face was still bruised, a large slice across her face from ear, over her nose to just under her other eye nearly blinding her would leave one hell of a scar she decided. "People always said I needed to develop a personality." Shepard remarked to herself, she began to laugh. It wasn't real laughter, and the matter wasn't funny, and every heave of breath made even her hair hurt.

Her arms were shaking trying to hold her weight on the metal sink, and Shepard knew she shouldn't be up just yet, the doctor would give her a tongue lashing that she wasn't nearly as strong as she thought she was. Bullshit, she'd say, she'd say she's as strong as she says she is. But that was a lie, she wasn't strong at all. Accepting defeat, Shepard shuffled back towards her bed in a private room on a medical frigate. She had no idea why she got a private room, when so many others didn't, but a voice inside told her it was because no one wanted to be around her, not after when they heard about Akuze.

Akuze, there's a name that would haunt her forever, a reminder that you're never as good as you think you are, that eventually everyone dies. Commander Lindsay's words stuck with Shepard, "You don't have to be better, or strong, or smart." But what he didn't know, was that Shepard didn't want to live, not any more or less than anyone else on the mission. But it didn't matter sometimes, not every death was meaningful. She had seen her fair share of meaningless deaths, piss off the wrong Krogan in the wrong bar during some R&R, and then they were sending a letter to your mother.

She picked up a datapad on the table, it was the letter from Admiral Aragam recommending her for the N7 program. It was weird seeing her entire service record in point form, seeing it all listed out for her. Success rates, failures, deaths. Lindsay was right, the Alliance was pretty tactless, especially when it came for the N7 program. Seemed they picked people who were ruthless, hardened, willing to die when asked, but ready to do whatever it took to complete the mission. Well, she had done that, Akuze on paper wasn't a failure. There was a distress signal, and the distress signal was dealt with, along with other things.

Maybe, Shepard thought she would be better off dead. Be easier to explain, mission gone awry, how unfortunate. No, instead she lived, again. Harder to explain, made people question her motives, her actions, real N7 material. A knock on the door distracted her slightly from her brooding thoughts, being alone on a medical frigate was destroying her sanity. "I'm just here to check in on you, see if you're ready to get some time off this ship."

"Oh please God, let me get off here." Shepard exasperated, "I'm going nuts, I feel like an old lady in an old folks home."

The doctor laughed, "Yeah and I'm the warden of this old lady home."

"So I hear you've been recommended for N7, congratulations."

Shepard rolled her eyes so far into her head she was surprised she couldn't see the back of her head, "Does everyone know?"

The doctor shrugged, "Small ship, small world."

"yeah, yeah, hooray for me."

"Ouch!" She wasn't ready for the slight pinch of the medi-scanner. This time it was the doctor who rolled his eyes, "Scans don't hurt,"

"Oh come on, yes they do. Sometimes...you know, I don't like this medical crap."

"Now now, stop being a little girl. You're good to go, you're still very weak, but we're going to get you a chair for a few weeks, and you can rest and stretch your legs back on Earth."

"Wow, when the Alliance wants to give you some R&R, they really give you R&R, do I get a plushy bathrobe too?"

The doctor assured Shepard that no, she was not getting a plushy bathrobe, not eve fluffy slippers. "You need to eat Shepard, come down to the canteen when you're ready."

Shepard nodded, "Yeah, I should do that."

The doctor left the room, and Shepard pulled on a blue robe. Her legs were weaker than she wished to admit, but she told herself if she could make it to the canteen on her own, she was ok. "I am okay" she said outloud to herself. Slowly shuffling she made her way past several orderlies and staff to the lift, and selected deck 2 for the canteen. As soon as the doors opened, she quickly regretted her decision to eat. She could feel heat rising from the back of her neck, every staring at the Akuze survivor. She had forgotten what a story it must have been for everyone else on the medical frigate, the lone survivor, "what must have she done to survive that?" She imagined were the questions people were asking silence was deafening, but she walked towards the food line focusing on breathing in and out. Averting their eyes, trying to ignore the whispers that followed behind her. She knew everyone was looking, wondering why it was her that survived. She didn't have an answer for them.

She sat down at a table in the corner and stared at her coffee. She had no idea why she was alive. If she was going to be alive, Shepard took a sip of coffee, she decided she'd make the most of it. She took out her datapad and started writing a message to Admiral Aragam.

Dear Admiral Aragram:

Regarding your interest in me for the N7 program, I accept.

Thank you,

1st Lt. A.E. Shepard