Jack opened his eyes to the dimly lit room, the thick drapes didn't cover the floor to ceiling windows that showed the starry night sky and every other lit up building in Los Angeles.
The aching in his skull ebbs and flows like a cold tide, yet the pain is still there, but the memories of whatever happened weren't. He just knew he felt like hell.
Jack shifted in the uncomfortable bed, but he was more used to this then the one in prison. He scanned the beige painted room until something caught his eye.
A brunette who was lying on her side and curled up into ball, facing the tv. She was wearing a red matching hoodie and sweatpants that was oddly paired with white heels.
Jack knew only one person that would mix sweats and heels together. "Selena? What are you doing here?"
Selena's head snapped towards him then a tender smile graced her face. "Hey." She softly greeted as she walked over to the bed and took a seat in the chair beside it.
"What happened?" He asked, sitting up.
"You overdosed. I went over to the hotel to get you to sign the papers and then I found you on the bathroom floor, passed out. Then they pumped your stomach and they seen that you took different drugs within the past few days. Why are you doing this to yourself, Jack?"
Jack shook his head. "I'm not talking about this with you." He told her.
"Whatever, Jack. But you're gonna have to talk to someone...and soon before you end up killing yourself."
Jack rolled his eyes, completely ignoring everything she had to say. "Here. I forgot to give you back the ring. I don't want it." He mumbled, removing the wedding band where Selena's initials were inked on the side of his finger. He tsk'ed and shook his head. "Everytime I try to get rid of you, you're somehow still here."
Selena scoffed. "No one told you to get my initials tattooed on your finger. Why are you so pissed at me anyways?"
"You told the media that we were getting a divorce, Selena. You couldn't just stay quiet about it for a few more days? You just had to have some kind of attention on you, huh?" Jack accused her, watching her brows draw together.
"I didn't go to anyone." She denied, completely offended. "Maybe it was your little cokehead girlfriend, so you need to check that instead of this."
Before Jack could snap back, the devil herself walked in. "Baby?" She gasped. "Are you okay? What the hell happened?" Bianca questioned, rushing over to the bed.
"Nothing. Just fell and hit my head." He lied, wrapping an arm around her waist.
Selena tsk'ed and spit out the truth. "He overdosed thanks to you."
Bianca's eyes nearly popped out her head. "What? Do you feel okay?"
Jack nodded. "I'm fine. I'm allowed to leave, right?" He asked, looking at Selena with hopeful eyes.
"Yeah." She answered as she stood up, grabbing her purse off the floor. "But you're coming home with me."
Jack's and Bianca's heads almost flew off because of how fast they looked at Selena. "With you?" Bianca questioned. "You two aren't even married anymore."
Giving her a half of a smile, Selena took the IV out of Jack's arm. "Actually sweetheart, he didn't sign any papers yet, so until then, he's still my husband and I have more say than you do. I need to make sure he isn't anywhere near drugs." Selena glanced down at Jack. "Besides your kids are at home, so let's go."
Jack's eyes switched back and forth between the two women before he pulled down the sleeves in his hoodie and got out the bed and smiled at Bianca. "I'll call you later."
Bianca's jaw dropped as Jack and Selena walked past her and out of the room. "I hope you know I'm only coming because of the kids." He informed her as they stepped into an elevator.
"I honestly don't care what you think you're coming over for." Selena said, pushing the button to the main floor. "You're staying there until you're healthy again and until you find help. I can't lose you and neither can Dylan and Naomi."
Jack gazed down at Selena for a long moment until the elevator's ding sounded, and they walked out into the parking lot, finding Selena's car. "Do you not fucking understand me? I don't want any help."
Ignoring him, Selena got into the car and drove them home, not caring what he wanted. Something had to change whether he liked it or not.
Selena walked into the guest room. "Jack?" She called out to see if he was awake or not, and she was pretty sure he was just ignoring her, just like he's been since he's gotten out the hospital. "I'm taking Dyl and Nye down the street so they can play with Simone's kids then I'm going to work. I guess, just call me if you need anything."
Jack waited until he heard the front door shut to get out of the bed and go into the bathroom where he looked into the mirror, sunken eyes staring back at him, despising who he had become and the person he lost. He was disgusted with himself and he knew he didn't belong here anymore.
So he snapped. And before he could realize it, the mirror was no longer there. Shards of glass covered the sink and his knuckles were bruised and bloody.
Then his mind becomes static, thoughts makes no sense, replays of the horrors that he couldn't get away from. Jack just wanted to get away from it. And he didn't have his drugs, so what could he do to wipe it out?
Jack left the guest room and went into the bathroom of his old bedroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed whatever pill bottle he seen first.
Twisting the top of the bottle, he could feel the coldness in his body spread inside his skin, despite his unbelievably high body temperature.
All he wanted was the antidote to his redemption.
The weight of everything seemed to press down on his shoulders and he struggled to go any further. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, he kept moving.
Dumping a handful of pills into his hand, Jack felt his eyes start to burn then a drop of liquid hit his wrist and after that, the tears wouldn't stop.
Not wanting to feel his worthlessness any longer, Jack began to shove the handful of pills into his mouth.
Selena ran back into the house in search of her wallet. She ran upstairs and into the bedroom then got onto the floor next to the bed.
Stretching her arm under the bed, her hand felt for her wallet. Selena turned her head so that she could see under the bed, but the only thing that caught her eye was someone sitting on the bathroom floor.
Jumping to her feet, Selena ran into the bathroom and sat next to Jack and grabbed his face and forced the pills to be spat out of his mouth, making him grow angry and shout. "No!" His hands scrambled to sweep all the pills back into his hand, but Selena grabbed his wrist and kicked the pills aside with the side of her foot. "Jack, stop!"
Jack yanked out of her weak grip and let his body fall over, his forehead resting against the cold floor as his hands weakly reached for the pills. "Look what you've done!" He let out a wail that was full of raw pain.
Selena sat against the cabinets, silently crying as Jack's face turned red and screamed at the top of his lungs. His upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out. He squeezes his eyes shut, balling his hands into fists, hitting the floor beneath him.
Five minutes passed until Jack's cries grew silent and his tears dried up. Pushing his upper body off the floor, he rested his head against the cabinets next to Selena who had stopped crying too.
"There's no hope." Jack broke the longing silence, the both of them staring at the wall in front of them.
"There's always hope, Jack."
"Not for me...I lost my mind. I lost me...and I don't know how to come back."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You wouldn't understand." He told her, his voice cracking. "No one would understand."
Selena didn't know what to say or how to respond, and she realized she didn't have to when Jack started to cry again, not like before, but it was obvious that there was still hurt inside of him.
After putting the kids to bed, Selena went back into the bedroom where Jack was now awake and sat on the edge of the bed. Selena took a seat next to him, then gazed at him. "How are you? And tell me the truth, Jack. I'm here for you, but I need to know how you feel."
Jack hesitantly gave her an answer, slowly opening up. "I feel worthless. I don't know what I'm doing here...All I do is hurt people around me. And there's always something in the back of my head, telling me that I'm not good enough and all I need to do is disappear and then everything will be okay. Everyone will be better off without me."
Speaking softly, Selena took his hand hers, and said, "You don't have to hold onto what they say. And all of these fears that you have about being useless will completely go away and you have to forgive the people who have hurt you, because that's where healing starts. I promise you, once you let that go, you'll be okay."
"You don't get it, Selena. You really don't. I feel like I'm in the middle of an open field and there's just a storm over me that won't go away. And I feel weak. And I don't tell anyone, because they won't understand...and you or they can't help me anyway. I'm cold...I'm weak...and I know that it's the end. That's how I feel. Every second of everyday."
"It's not the end, Jack. Are you not still here? You are still here...And I don't know the storm that you're talking about, because I'm not mentally there. I can't stop it, but I will be here, and I will hold you, and I'll keep you safe and warm until it passes. Yes, it'll still be there, but so will I. And then, it'll be okay, because I am with you all the way, no matter what."
Selena took Jack's face in her hands and forced him to look her in the eye, so that he knew she wasn't lying to him.
"And it's okay if you have it in your mind that people don't understand. Because they don't and neither do I, but you do. You know evil and darkness, more than what people should have to know in their life. But you know what, you also know love and happiness, better than anyone else, and that's something no one can take away from you."
Jack nodded and dragged his hand over his face, wiping tears that wouldn't come to an end.
Selena let go of his face. "Put your hand over your heart."
Jack furrowed his brows, but he slowly did what she asked.
"Do you feel your heart beating?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
"Everytime you feel like giving up, put your hand over your heart and realize you are still here. And so am I, and your mom, God, Dylan, Naomi, your brothers, the band, Liam. We are right here with you. People make mistakes and people feel pain, but it's okay, because you got through it before and you will get through it again. We're not going anywhere."
Jack nodded and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears. He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Selena's waist, and laid his head in her lap, staining her jeans with the warm tears he cried.
Dr. Carson walked back into his office with a clipboard and a frown as Selena sat up straight on the examination table. "Dr. Medina, I'm afraid that we have bad news."
Her mouth went dry and she struggled to swallow a lump that was stuck in her throat. What could possibly be wrong? She was taking her medication and she was staying healthy, everything should be okay.
"As you already know, your lupus attacks your organs and one of the organs that can be affected are the kidneys. This is called lupus nephritis. I'm sure you know all of this, but I need to make sure you understand coming from the patients standpoint and not the doctors. As toxins build up, the kidneys might not be able to filter the blood properly, and this can eventually go into complete kidney failure if not treated. And to treat this, you have the option to get a kidney transplant, which is your best and only healthy choice, and I would suggest it now because this is an emergency situation."
"Bu...But the wait list is years." Tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks and dripped from her chin and onto her jeans. "I don't have years."
Dr. Carson nodded. "If you can get someone close to you who is a match and is willing to volunteer, then we can plan a surgery soon. We are going to do our very best to get you what you need.
I almost cried writing this tbh because depression and suicide is real and it's painful to everyone. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek out the help of a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher or any trusted adult, or even me. I will be here. Life can be confusing, and sometimes you just need a little help. Everybody is worthwhile and yes, your life is important. Get help now, right now, even if you have to wake someone up. Even if you have no one and want to talk to someone, I am here and will not turn my back on you.
Stay safe and God loves you. ❤️