A guilty return
She watches them from afar, hidden in the shadows… She's been back in Washington DC for 3 days now, staying in a motel on the other side of town; it has also taken her 3 days to muster the courage to come this far.
At first she had made her way to their old apartment, hoping that she might find them there. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she nervously rang the doorbell, awaiting a response; however after a couple of insistent rings with no answer she had soon realised that no-one was home, which in turn left her nerves completely and utterly shot. Panicked, she began to wonder if they even lived there any more, after all, anything could have happened in the last two years… What if they had relocated? What if they have moved so far away that she'd never be able to find them again? But then it dawns on her, that these thoughts were probably the very same ones that had haunted Fitz ever since the day she left. She is immediately overwhelmed with guilt. She starts to think that maybe this is her punishment, to never be able to find them… The notion of which makes her sick to her stomach; even if it is well deserved.
Taking a few deep breaths in a bid to remain calm and figure out her next move, she decides not to ask the landlord if they still live there, because if they do, then the last thing she wants is for the landlord to alert Fitz to her presence before she's had the chance to do so herself; if anything it was the least he deserved, hearing it from her. Therefore, she only had one option left and that was to make her way to Anne and Jerry's place, if anyone knew where Fitz and Joshua where it would be them. However, she wasn't naive enough to believe it would be that simple, that Anne and Jerry would simply hand over their whereabouts without a fight. After all the grief she has caused, she is certain that she will be met with fierce opposition when she finds herself on their doorstep. However, as fate would have it be, she doesn't even reach Anne and Jerry's apartment before she gets the answer she is looking for… it appears that Fitz and Joshua were still living in Washington after all.
She was only a few blocks away from their apartment building, when she had spotted him; Fitz, getting out of his car and walking over to the passenger's side. Frozen in her tracks, her eyes follow his every move as he leans in to unbuckle his passenger, and it's at that very moment that she realises that he has Josh with him too. She's a ball of raw emotions, knowing she is about to see her son for the first time in two years. And as soon as she sees him, she knows in that very instant, without a shred of doubt that he is hers, because for the very first time since leaving him behind she feels complete… And God is he beautiful, everything she had imagined him to be and so much more, an angel in her eyes. Choked up, she watches on intently as Josh reaches up to hold on to his daddy's hand before crossing the road. How she manages to contain herself, and stop the indescribable urge to run over to her son and bundle him up in her arms; hold him close and simply breath in the clean fresh scent of him, she can't quite comprehend it. Although, deep down a part of her knows that she has lost the right to do such a thing, so instead she keeps her distance and patiently waits for them to finish, not wanting to intrude, although finding it near impossible to tear her eyes away from them and their easy exchange. Tears fill her eyes as she watches Fitz push their little boy on the swings, taking care not to push too hard, and then in turn watching Joshua giggle in glee as he gradually goes higher and higher, wishing she was close enough to hear his little voice squeal in laughter and joy, to familiarise herself with the sound of him once more… Words can't begin to express the way she has missed him, and Fitz too for that matter, although thinking in that way was only going to get herself into trouble, as sadly she's acutely aware that any future dreams of being with Fitz was lost the moment she walked out on her family, and therefore her only focus now was to try and make amends for what she had done, although she doesn't really know where to begin with that either. It was not going to be easy, that's for sure, however she was not about to give up. She had been through hell and back over the last two years, and she has come a long way, emotionally and physically to be here. She may not deserve Fitz's forgiveness, and that goes without saying, because if she were in his shoes she wouldn't forgive herself either, but she's praying that he will at least give her the chance to explain, to hear it from her perspective and maybe try to understand why she did what she did.
But above all, she hopes that he will give her the chance to be the mother that she had always hoped to be, or at least the opportunity to finally start making up for all the precious time she has missed out on…
If only Fitz can find it in himself to give her that. If only…