Chapter 29
Jin opened his eyes only to be greeted by the sun's soft light shinning through the shoji. Letting out a low moan he rolled onto his left side so that the sun was out of his face. Slowly he let his eyes close and tried to welcome sleep again.
But sleep didn't come and Jin only lied there with his eyes closed and thought back on the month that had passed.
"Not a month yet," Jin silently told himself, "its only been twenty-nine days."
Jin heaved a sigh and closed his eyes tighter trying to remember what she looked like. The beautiful thin girl with slightly wavy, light brown hair, with black tips would walk next to his right side for miles and never complain. But she would ask lots of questions.
Her heart shaped face buried deep into the wild flowers that grew alongside the road that they had traveled to Nagasaki.
"Sayuri?" She would ask in Japanese.
"Iie," Jin said shaking his head, "Yaso."
Her face would furrow up into a frown as she glared at him with her eyes half closed.
"You said that flower was 'sayuri' back at the temple," she said in English, "not 'yaso'."
"Sori," Jin replied reaching out and picking the flower from the ground to place it into her hair.
It was hard to explain to Noko the difference between a lily and a wildflower and Jin was also hard-pressed to learn two new languages in the process. He needed help and Nagasaki had been the answer until now.
Now he was in Numazu, Japan overlooking Suruga Bay but he was restless and wanted to be off again. The apothecary that Jin had met had taken care of him after the fire and Noko's disappearance. One night as they shared their meager evening meal the apothecary had asked Jin what was wrong.
"This place reminds me of my former master's dojo," Jin replied setting his chopsticks down on his chopstick rest.
"Where was that good son?"
"Kisarazu."
"I've never been there."
"It was a beautiful place before I had to leave."
The apothecary had narrowed his eyes at Jin. Jin was hiding something from the old man, but Jin didn't want to tell him what had happened in his past.
Jin carried himself with unshakable self-confidence, keeping firm control of himself in every possible way. He tried to be all that a samurai should be. Capable of great gentleness, courtesy, courage, and martial skills. He sought inner peace and balance in his life, but he knew he was a creature of fierce pride and at his darkest hour he radiated bitter, repressed anger to the world around him.
Jin was hiding his past from everyone. His parent's deaths, his great-grandmother raising him, his first master's untimely demise, the other students that he had trained with seeking his life, even this very house that he was in held memories.
Jin opened his eyes and sat up on his futon. He didn't want to think about his past today. There wasn't anything that he could do to change what had gone wrong in his past. He had faith in the warrior's way and yet even now he had begun to question that surfacing feeling that no one was born to serve all his life to a master.
Noko had started him thinking this way. Jin smiled as he got up off of his futon and folded the sheet up that he had used last night. Folding the futon up next Jin stored them both in the oshi-ire for the day.
Jin slid the shoji aside and walked towards the genkan. Stopping he stepped down into his waraji's before he headed outback to the pit toilet. He nodded his head in greeting as he passed another young woman on her way back. Stopping before the small wooden shed Jin looked down to see if the toire surippa were in front of the door. This would indicate if the toilet was in use. Finding the slippers there in front of him he slipped out of his waraji's and into the pair set by the doorway before he entered.
When Jin was finished he stepped back into his waraji's, leaving behind the unclean slippers, heading back to the house. Noko would have been used to the toilets by now if she had stayed, but Jin also knew that she would have spouted out, in her language, something about them too. He only had until the end of today before he would find out if she was coming back or not.
Approaching the genkan of the house Jin called out, "Good Father are you up?"
The apothecary appeared from the living space where Jin had slept last night.
"I've been up for hours good son," the old man replied, "come help me with breakfast."
Jin left his waraji's at the entrance and stepped up into the living space. Following the apothecary to his left Jin walked down the roka, a wooden floored passage on the edge of the house, to the small kitchen.
In the center of the room was a sunken hearth with a jizai-kag hanging overhead. The hook was used to adjust the height of the pot over the fire. Jin could see that the pot hung low and steam was starting to come out of it. Soon the water for their morning tea would be done.
"Can you take the fish off," the apothecary asked, "while I get the rice?"
"Hai," Jin answered as he moved closer to the hearth.
The apothecary had sprinkled the fish with salt and then set them to roast on an iron rack set above the fine sand, fire, and ashes. Jin carefully removed the fish and placed them onto a plate which he then took and placed on a zen. The apothecary was dishing out servings of rice into two chawan which he placed next to the fish on the zen. The hot water in the pot was placed last.
As Jin carried the zen serving tray back to the living space the apothecary carried two drinking cups called yunomi with him. Jin sat the serving tray down next to the low table, that the apothecary had set up earlier, and waited while the old man sat down first.
Since he was the eldest the apothecary sat facing the entrance of the house while Jin sat with his back to it as was custom. Jin sat upright on the tatami mat with his knees on the floor, legs folded under him, and his buttocks resting on his heels.
Jin still needed to change out of his juban and silently ate his morning meal as he thought about his new life.
He longed to be traveling again and knew that part of it stemmed from his time with Nokomis. She loved the outdoors. Thrived on it and knew her way around fishing and cooking outside very well. Her fearless independence fueled only by her desire to learn new things. That was when he had started to question his Bushido upbringing. The Bushido had a code of seven virtues. Rectitude that implied that Jin's actions were justified, known as gi, was number one followed by courage; benevolence, of which he had been named after; respect; honesty; honor; and finally loyalty.
But Jin knew that he wasn't keeping true to the code when he was being dishonest with the apothecary about his past. Noko too, even though it would be hard to explain to her what had happened.
And yet sitting here so close to where it all had began had sat Jin on edge. He had been born in Kai west and a little bit north of where he sat now. Even though he had been born there Jin had not been raised there. Sanjo his great-grandmother had taken him as an infant to live with her in Kofu. That was the only childhood he remembered for eight years.
As Jin drank his tea he remembered the days spent being taught by her side. Sanjo was an extremely wealthy widowed woman who could have easily passed Jin's upbringing on to someone else, but she had not. It was her that had taught him to read and write. He had spent countless hours listening to Sanjo recite his family history. When he had become of age he had taken his father's name along with Sanjo's sons to become his new samurai name. Sanjo had told him to stand tall and be proud of who he was, but right now he couldn't.
Jin excused himself from the table even though it wasn't customary for him do to so. He needed to wait until the apothecary was done eating but today he couldn't wait. He had been on edge all week and walked to the back of the living space to get dressed.
The Celestial Buddha had promised him that Noko would return yet he doubted her. Just like when he doubted his former master. All Jin wanted was peace in his heart right now not turmoil.
The apothecary watched as Jin removed his juban and grabbed his fundoshi out of the oshi-ire. He could still see some black marks on the young man's back from the stones that had been thrown at him. He thought back on the time that the young man had come into his life.
Jin held the long white cloth material over his right shoulder and let the other end touch the ground. Taking his left hand he twisted the material closest to the ground upon itself to form a rope. He then passed this between his legs to his backside. Next he ran the material from his right side, across his waist, to his left side and then to the back pulling the material through and under the other side.
Making sure that the twisted fundoshi was secure around his waist Jin pulled firmly and wrapped the end of the material around itself to secure it back the same direction that it had come from.
The old man watched as Jin released the end of the white cloth that he held over his right shoulder so that it dropped to the floor. Passing it under his legs and pulling it towards his buttocks Jin twisted the material and passed it through the underside of the previous cloth. As he wrapped the end around the right side of the fundoshi the apothecary finally spoke to him.
"Good son do you feel like the Celestial Buddha has forgotten you?"
"Hai," Jin replied as he pulled on his white gi and placed the right side down first tying the two hip strings together in a bow.
"Why would you feel that way? She has promised you Noko again."
Jin just shrugged his shoulders as he pulled on his silk kimono.
"I only have faith in my swords," Jin finally replied.
"Then you need to learn to have faith in others," the old man replied as he dug into the left sleeve of his black kimono.
"Here good son," the apothecary said as he got up and walked over to where the young man was putting on his split hakamas, "take this."
In the apothecary's hand was a string of green jade beads. They reminded Jin of Buddhist prayer beads called nenju, but much smaller. The ones he had seen the Buddhist priest's use were a long necklace type of 108 seeds from a linden tree. The one that the apothecary held out to him was small. There were no 'marker' or 'parent' beads as a jodo shin sku nenju would have, but there was a tassel-string 'end' piece.
As Jin took the string of beads from the old man he explained their meaning to Jin.
"The loop is seen to represent the cycle of birth and dying; and the end strings represent the 'cutting' or severing of the cycle of birth and dying."
"I had one of the girls in town make it for you. I call it a wrist nenju as it will now represent the start of your new life."
Jin frowned and went to open his mouth but the apothecary cut him off.
"Look Jin," the old man said tenderly, "even though you haven't said a word of why you wanted to come here I know."
"The town's folk said three years ago you came here and built this house and cleared the surrounding land. You dug the pit toilet and built the furo next to the house all by yourself. You planted the beautiful tulips that you brought down as bulbs from the foot of Mount Ashitaka. But when the town's folk asked you why you were doing all of this you never told them. Only I found one girl, the same one who made that wrist nenju for you, that knew."
Jin looked down at his feet as the apothecary continued on. He had seen the girl this morning but had mistaken her for a young woman. How could he have forgotten her? He had left her in charge of the house when he went away in January. Now here it was in July. He had come back to a home that he didn't consider his anymore.
"She told me you were going to fetch your wife. Was that your lover and daughter who were killed by hososhin?"
"Hai," Jin said barely auditable.
"Now your lover is the Celestial Buddha Shino?"
"Hai," Jin said starting to waver.
The apothecary took both of his hands and placed them on Jin's shoulders and helped the young man fall to the ground.
The apothecary had finally found what was wrong with the young samurai.
"Jin you see yourself as a failure as a samurai warrior. You couldn't protect those that had been placed into your care. First Shino, then your daughter, now Noko. And somewhere in there I believe your former master too."
"Shino knew. I heard her just like you did. You are not to kill yourself. How many times has she stopped you from the ritual of seppuku?"
Tears came to Jin's eyes as he turned his head away from the old man. How could he have known?
"Twice," Jin finally answered after a long pause.
The apothecary slowly nodded his head before he spoke to Jin again. Taking the jade nenju out of Jin's hands the old man carefully placed it onto the young man's left wrist.
"There are twenty-three jade beads on this nenju. Twenty-three long, hard, years that I think you might want to forget, but you can't. Is your life over at twenty-three? Are there sixty years of loneliness and despair awaiting you? I don't think so, but you do."
"Yes, you are going to forget Shino's touch, her smell, the way she spoke to you, that was why she put you in charge of Noko. Shino knew that you needed someone to care for even if it wasn't her."
"But both are gone now," Jin cried out, "I'm starting to forget Noko too."
"Oh good son," the old man said pulling Jin close to him in a hug, "please know that life is eternal, love is immortal, and death is only a horizon. A horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight."
"Right now you can't see Noko because your horizon is covered up by darkness, but know this my good son light and darkness cannot occupy the same space at the same time."
"But my life has been nothing but darkness lately," Jin said as he pulled away from the apothecary's grasp.
Releasing Jin the old man continued, "Then maybe you have to know that darkness before you can appreciate the light."
"Look," the apothecary said taking Jin's left hand, where he had placed the nenju, and raised it up for Jin to see.
"Gemstones are said to help energize and strengthen someone's soul. Jade is for your heart, relaxation, and prosperity. Reduce the tension in your life Jin, then you will be able to see with your heart."
Jin raised his head up and looked at the wise old apothecary. It was hard to tell the man how he really felt. Not because Jin didn't know himself. Not because he didn't know his purpose, even though he was questioning it right now. Not because he didn't trust the old man. The apothecary had been kind and helping to him and Noko. But because he, Jin, couldn't find the right words to make the apothecary understand.
Taking the old man's hand into his left one Jin squeezed it tight and sighed.
"I have always had a plan until now. Now I don't have any plan," Jin told the man in front of him.
"You don't always need a plan good son," the apothecary said as he released Jin's hand. "Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."
Jin smiled, "Buddha really was right."
"About what?" the older man asked as he cocked his head to the side.
"When the student is ready the teacher will appear," Jin replied as he broke down and told the apothecary about his past.
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Jin walked the sandy shore of Suruga Bay as he reminisced about earlier in the day. It had been a great weight that had been lifted off of his shoulders when he had told the apothecary about his past. No one since Shino had known about his personal life and even then he hadn't told her about his former master.
Jin felt free and held his head higher as he walked away from the house and towards the town. The water that came and splashed at his feet even felt good. How was he to know that by simply telling someone how he felt and what he had gone through would be good for his soul.
Jin had felt that because of his master's death he had betrayed him. The apothecary had told him otherwise.
"Mariya Enshirou's belief that he would lose his dojo to the shogunate unless he made a bargain with them caused his downfall."
"But I was the one who slew him," Jin replied, "How can I live with that for the rest of my life."
"I don't have the answer," the apothecary said, "but Jin it was self-defense. When Mariya told you what the shogunate wanted to do with the dojo you told him your true feelings."
"That he was making me walk a path of darkness in turning the dojo into a training ground for assassins."
"Yes good son," the old man replied, "Someone in the shogunate found out and threatened your master. Was it night when someone came into your room?"
"Yes."
"And I bet there was no moon and it was extremely late also?"
"Yes," Jin replied recalling that night for the old man. "I felt a presence before I heard him draw his sword. I ducked out of the way as his sword went through the futon where I had been lying moments ago. Grabbing my katana I blocked the next blow and then I can't explain what happened next."
"It was as if my childhood boiled to the surface. All the pain and strife from being an orphan became a venomous impulse to strike my opponent down. I felt I had become an assassin for the shogunate when my katana finally found its mark and I drove its blade deep into my opponent."
"I was unable to dislodge my sword and my opponent fell back into the shoji, his right hand tearing through the rice paper so that I could finally see who had attacked me."
"I can only imagine your surprise when you saw not a stranger but your master there," the apothecary said. "Here was someone who had adopted you as their son. Taught you every thing you knew. Praised you and was probably going to make you his heir from what you have told me about the man. And now he was standing before you with the tsuba of your katana in his front and the blade out his back. How did you get your sword back?"
"I got my sword back when Mariya pulled it out himself before he fell to the ground," Jin replied. "I can still see the red blood pooling on the tatami mats if I close my eyes and remember back to that night."
"Yes, I am sure you can," the apothecary said, "but remember my son, that you didn't kill Mariya Enshirou. The shogunate did when they came to him in the first place."
"No good Father, my sword killed him," Jin replied trying to make the old man understand him.
"No good son," the apothecary stated, "you were a puppet. A means to an end. And I'm afraid that until you find out who ordered your master to kill you that your life is in danger still."
Jin stopped walking and looked up at the sky. The sun was high overhead and he had agreed with the apothecary that if Noko didn't show up by next morning that the pair should leave. It was too dangerous, now that the old man knew of his past, to stay in one place for too long. But where should they go?
Jin thought about going north but they would have to pass through Edo again and seeing how the shogunate were numerous there he had decided against it. The apothecary didn't have any answers either.
"I have lived all my life in the town where you met me," he told Jin, "I'm sorry I can't help you."
Jin dropped his head and looked out over the water. If Nokomis was with him they could continue on to the south. He smiled at the idea of the three of them traveling together. He liked the young girl and had grown to admire her.
Before Nokomis had been taken away by the Celestial Buddha Jin had seen a change in her. When Noko had first come to him she had been afraid of his touch. Even if it was just to change her bandage on her left hand. She would pull away and tremble before him, her eyes on the verge of tears. Somewhere, something had happened to her. Jin wondered if her husband had done something to her to make her afraid.
Jin had seen this same kind of trembling when he had been with Mariya Enshirou. The pair had been sitting along the Yana River watching a woman and her small child wash clothes. Soon a man came along and went up to the woman. Jin had been ten years old at the time and remembered the man yelling at the woman about how his supper wasn't ready.
Young Jin had seen the woman trembling before the man trying to explain, but it had been for not as the man backhanded the woman and dragged her off by her hair.
Young Jin had risen up from his seat and had grabbed his bokken wanting to go after the man and help the woman. However his master's hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Not today," Mariya told young Jin.
"But he is hurting her," young Jin replied, "doesn't the teachings of Buddha encourage one to have compassion for one another?'
"Yes," Mariya replied, "but remember that we are what we think."
"Your thoughts right now are to hurt that man and that is wrong. Clear and kind thoughts build good, strong characters. No matter what we say or do, others know us from the way we behave. Now if you were to go off and hurt that man, and you probably could, what would that show?"
Young Jin dropped his head, "That we receive exactly what we earn, whether good or bad."
"Yes. And what is that called?"
"Karma," young Jin replied.
"Correct," Mariya said, "The third universal truth. Remember what Buddha said: The kind of seed sown will produce that kind of fruit. Those who do good will reap good results. Those who do evil will reap evil results. If you carefully plant a good seed, you will joyfully gather good fruit."
"But," Mariya said as he drew young Jin close to him, "I can see that that man is ignorant of the law of karma and is greedy for the wrong kind of pleasures."
"I think I'll go and speak to him," Mariya said as he released young Jin and handed the boy his daisho's.
"To end suffering one must change one's view about the world around him and try and live a more natural peaceful way," Mariya said as he walked away from Jin that day.
"Like blowing out a candle," Jin said to himself.
By showing Noko kindness Jin had put out the flame of her suffering for good. She had stopped trembling before him and had gotten used to being naked around him too.
Not like she had a choice, Jin smiled as he looked back to the sand and started walking again. Traveling together had brought its share of problems with mixed results.
The first one had been when she had to go to the bathroom and he had pointed to the side of the road.
"What!?" Nokomis had roared at him in Mandarin.
"And what am I to do when I'm done," she pantomimed wiping.
Jin had walked over to a tree by the side of the road, pulled some leaves from it, and handed them to her. That had made things go from bad to worse as he watched Nokomis scream at him in two different languages. In the end though when she could no longer hold out Noko had stomped off into the grass by the wayside as he watched.
Jin had frowned that day. He didn't understand why she was afraid of being naked around him or seeing him with only his fundoshi on. Surely she had seen her husband with no clothes at all.
"Nokomis isn't married."
Jin heard a voice and stopped in his tracks. Turning towards where the voice had come from he saw a woman standing behind him in the sand. Her brown hair hung loose, down past her shoulders, and she had on a white kimono with the right side crossed over the left.
"Celestial Buddha Shino," Jin said as he dropped to his knees in the sand.
"Please rise up Jin," Shino said, "don't worship me. My role is to protect you and serve the Heaven Deva."
"I can't look upon you," Jin replied with his head bowed to the sand, "because of your enlightened state. You are unapproachable to me. I looked upon you in the past and I am sorry."
"I forgive you," Shino said as she bent down and gently lifted Jin's face up by his chin.
Jin looked into his lover's face. She was still beautiful as the day he had met her in the rain and yet there was something else about her.
"I have come to tell you that Nokomis is coming back to you just like I promised," Shino said releasing Jin's face.
"Noko?"
"Yes, only you didn't listen when she tried to tell you her name," Shino said standing up.
Jin slowly got to his feet as he watched Shino turn and walk back towards the house. Silently he followed her and caught up to her side.
"I'm so sorry Shino," Jin replied as his lover came to a stop and looked out onto the house that he had built for her.
"For what Jin?" Shino asked. "For building me a beautiful house that I can't live in? Are you still trying to hang on to our fairy tale time that we had? Have you lost what little faith you had left after I died?"
Shino turned to see Jin's face turned towards the ground once again and guessed that she was right.
"Oh dearest Jin," Shino said, "There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself."
"I love you. Even if that love was only physical for one night. I still love you and always will love you."
"Now you must move on. You have to move on for Nokomis' sake. Time is merely a system of events."
"I don't understand," Jin replied slowly raising his head up.
Shino smiled, "Yes you do. You understand plenty. Just not things of the heart."
"But," Shino said as she started to fade from his view, "think about your time with Nokomis as a river. You can never touch the same water twice because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Remember me, but enjoy every moment in life that you have now with Nokomis. Because a day will come when you have to make a choice about her."
"What choice is that?" Jin called to the empty air, but Shino was no longer standing before him.
Jin turned and started walking back to where Shino had first appeared to him. He had to find her.
So intense was Jin in his search for Shino that he never even saw the round glimmering picture of another place appear to his left. He didn't see the girl dressed in white standing on the other side either. It wasn't until she called his name that Jin finally noticed.
"Jin!"
Jin stopped and looked to his left from where he had heard his name being called thinking that Shino had returned. Instead of Shino he saw Nokomis and went up to the edge of the portal. Jin tried to go through the portal and found that he could not. An energy force was holding his body back.
"Jin!" Noko cried louder clearly upset about something.
Jin tried once again to step through to get to her. He needed to help her and once again he couldn't as a force held him back. There was nothing that he could do on his end, but maybe Nokomis could do something on her end Jin thought.
"Noko," Jin called to her, "Watashi ni kuru."
"Sori," she replied shaking her head back and forth.
"Stupid," Jin told himself, "she's been gone way too long. She probably forgot everything that she learned while she was here."
Jin tried again, this time holding his left hand out to her and beckoning with his right hand for her to come to him.
"Watashi ni kuru," Jin called out as he beckoned again with his right hand.
Jin watched as Nokomis looked over her shoulder at something behind her and then reached through the portal and grabbed his left hand. Holding onto his shoulder Nokomis stepped down from the edge of the portal and onto the sand. Jin watched as the portal closed behind her as a man ran up to where she had just been. He was dressed all in green and even though Jin couldn't see his face, as he had it covered, he had seen the man's body language. The man was clearly angry with Noko and Jin figured it had to be her husband.
"No," Jin thought, remembering what Shino had said to him, "former husband."
"Jin?" Nokomis asked holding onto his arms and looking into his face, making sure he wasn't a dream.
"Hai Noko," Jin replied as he gathered her into a hug, "O kaeri nasai."