Answers

"Fitz… please come in…" She offers shakily. Nerves immediately kicking in as she realises this could be her only chance, the fear of messing this up was too great, but like him she quickly realises that she also needs to put her game face on. If she stood any chance of getting through to him and being with her boy again, she had to remain strong.

He doesn't say a word as he enters, silently gathering his thoughts as he looks around the room… He had thought long and hard since they last spoke. And when the initial anger transformed into a state of curiosity, he realised he owed it to himself and Joshua to at least find out why… Why did she go? In order to make an informed decision with regards to her possibly having access to Joshua, he needed to hear her out. At the end of the day, despite the way he feels about her, he doesn't ever want to be accused of denying his son from having a mother, not unless he has just reason to, and this is why he was here now, he needed answers.

He takes a seat on a chair, prompting her to take a seat on the bed opposite as he begins… "I need to know why you left Olivia…" She swallows and nods… "I need to know everything… and only then will I be able to make a decision, as angry as I might be, I realise this is not about me, it's about what's best for my son, therefore I won't let it affect my judgement when it comes to you and him."

"Of course…" She agrees, clinging to his every word… Here was her chance, everything rested upon this moment, there was no holding back…

"I guess it started shortly after Joshua's birth…"

It had been a difficult one; he was three weeks early when he decided to make his presence into the world… The pains had begun a couple of hours after Fitz had left for work. Although this baby was not her first pregnancy, as her first ending in miscarriage, she was rather taken back by the feel of the contractions, in truth it had totally unnerved her. Not wanting to take any risks, as soon as it was over she rang for Fitz- when he didn't answer she left him a message, and then she immediately rang for a cab. Jerry and Anne were still abroad in Jamaica on their wedding anniversary, otherwise she would have called them instead.

When she got to the hospital, everything seemed to be happening so fast, she was wheeled into maternity, and being Dr Grant's wife meant she was immediately examined. They confirmed her suspicions; she was definitely at the beginning stages. She was scared and excited all at once, but above all she wanted Fitz to share this moment with her… Unfortunately, he was caught up in surgery, the hospital had put out an urgent call out for a replacement surgeon, but due to staff shortages it looked as though Fitz wouldn't be released for quite some time. For Olivia, as well as being a first time mum, that was a difficult pill to swallow knowing he couldn't be there, and it only made her even more nervous and anxious.

A couple of hours later, still no sign of Fitz, she had also left messages for Abby and David, but they were living in New York, so any chance in them getting there soon were slim, the same could be said for Quinn. She was a ball of nerves, restless and in increasing pain… her contractions were steadily becoming stronger and closer together, but unfortunately her blood pressure was on the increase too. All of a sudden, she didn't feel so well, she felt weird… She called for the nurse, telling her that she needed to be sick… her head was spinning, she needed some air… she tried to get out of bed, but the nurse stopped her and helped her get back in… just in time in fact, as she suddenly blacked out and her body begun to violently shake… she was fitting.

BP 160/100.

She was having and eclamptic fit, and now her baby was in distress because he was no longer getting enough oxygen… she was immediately rushed into theatre for an emergency delivery… Another urgent call was made to Fitz. With her fitting still compromising her blood supply, they had no choice but to operate… the foetal heart rate was deteriorating, there was no more time; they had to go in and save the baby… She was put under a general anaesthetic, and she was quickly prepared for a C-section.

Fitz burst into theatre, just in time for the birth of their son… He appeared fit and healthy, thank god, however the same couldn't be said for Olivia, whose machines were now beeping crazily, she was bleeding internally, and the surgeon was fighting to stop it…

Fitz had looked up at her monitor; her BP was 210/120… dangerously high, he realised if something wasn't done soon, she was going to bleed to death… His panic got the best of him, and he was warned that he would be removed from theatre if he didn't calm down, they were doing all they could for her, and he just had to trust them. Not wanting to be removed, needing to be there with her, he obediently took a seat beside her. Wracked with the fear of losing her, he started to silently pray that she would make it through.

It was touch and go, and for a split second he actually thought he was going to lose her, but in the end his prayers were indeed answered… He had sighed in relief when the surgeon informed that the stitches were finally holding. 20 minutes later she was moved to a private room for recovery; he and their son never left her side.

Olivia spent over a week in hospital, whereby she was completely overwhelmed by the entire situation; she had a healthy baby boy, a tiny life she was now responsible for, but yet she couldn't help but feel that she was already letting him down so badly… Due to the trauma of the birth, she could barely get around and do anything for Joshua in those first few days, and then coupled with the fact that he had come so early, despite Fitz assuring her otherwise, she found herself worrying that she didn't have everything ready for him back home. Her hormones were all over the place, as was her mood and she found herself crying whenever she was left alone with him, make it worst that he didn't want to feed from the breast either, which only served to impact upon her feelings of failure. Instead of telling Fitz, she had confided in Quinn about her worries and mixed emotions instead, because she didn't want him to worry, or worse, give him reason to see her as a failure too. Quinn assured her it was her hormones wreaking havoc on her rational, and nothing more… She was going be to fine, as long as she let Fitz help her.

And Fitz did help her, in fact he was marvellous with Joshua, a natural- as if he had done this before. The only problem was he was so competent with Joshua in comparison to her, who was struggling, the knowledge of which only caused her additional distress. What was wrong with her? By the time Fitz's two weeks paternity leave ended, she had worked herself up into a right state… she had convinced herself that she couldn't cope, but again chose to keep it to herself, in fear of judgement. Of course, Anne and Jerry had stepped in to help in Fitz's absence, but like Fitz they too handled Joshua with such ease that for her it only served as further proof… She was useless; a rubbish mother.

Anne didn't take long to pick up on the signs; post-partum depression. She thought it best that she approached the subject with Fitz first. Fitz had been so busy with work and helping out with the night shifts at home that he felt awful for not picking up on the signs himself. He planned to broach the situation with Olivia that very night, however when he got home he had found her passed out on the bedroom floor and Joshua crying out in distress. He managed to revive her, and drove her straight to the emergency room. They ran tests; she was dehydrated and extremely anaemic… It appeared as though she wasn't looking after herself properly. The doctor prescribed her with iron tablets and plenty of rest and after a quiet word with Fitz a mild dose of anti-depressants for the post-partum.

"You have no idea what it feels like being told you're not coping, that the birth of your baby has made you so depressed, that you're unfit to look after him without the aid of medication… I know you told me that it was common occurrence for many mothers, but for me it didn't feel that way at all…" Olivia reveals, "Instead it felt like it was just me, and that I was a complete screw up… and taking those tablets only compounded that feeling even more… So I didn't take them…"

Fitz looks at her in shock, all that time he thought she had been taking them… "But, but you appeared to be getting better?"

"To you maybe, but for me nothing changed, apart from the fact that I got better at hiding my feelings from you, and from your mum and dad too… However, when I was on my own I was bombarded with grief and sadness… no matter how hard I tried, I felt I couldn't be the mother Joshua deserved… I loved him so much, but yet it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough…" She pauses… "It didn't take long before I started to dwell on the past… You know what it was like for me growing up, in my father's eyes I was never good enough, always a disappointment, that's why he sent me away after my mother died. And now here I was again, nothing but a disappoint to Joshua. I couldn't shake that feeling off, and regrettably these thoughts went on to plague me for months…"

Fitz lowers his head, a feeling of guilt building up… How did he not realise this was going on under his own roof? Had work kept him so busy, that he neglected to note that his wife was struggling? Was he somehow to blame?

As if reading his thoughts, she offers… "This wasn't your fault Fitz, I admit there was a time I blamed you for not figuring it out sooner, but it was unfair to think that of you… because I was to blame, I should have told you…"

"Why didn't you?"

She answers him truthfully, "I didn't want to lose you; I had spent months deceiving you, making you believe I was taking my medication when I wasn't, I had also tricked you into believing that everything was okay…by…" she hesitates slightly, knowing she's taking a big risk with this particular revelation, but equally knowing she needs to remain honest with him on all fronts… "by deliberately engaging in sex with you, even when I didn't really want to…"

He visibly pales.

The implications of her words strike him at the very core… He was at a loss for words. And she was beginning to wonder if she had made a huge mistake in telling him…

Eventually… "So, what you are telling me is that after Joshua's birth, every time I made love to you, you were just going through the motions, in some crazy attempt to distract me from the fact that you were falling apart?"

"I'm so sorry Fitz..." Her apology is heartfelt, but he won't hear of it... "Don't!" He interrupts her... "After all we've been through, how could chose to deceive me in such a way… Do you have any idea how that makes me feel, or how messed up that is?"

She's feels ashamed... "I know it was messed up, but I was desperate, I would have done anything to keep it from you, because I believed the moment I told you the truth, or as soon as you found out, you wouldn't want anything to do with me… I already hated myself enough; I was holding on by a thread and I knew there was no way I would cope if you hated me as well…"

It's a lot for him to process, but yet somehow there's this innate need within him to assure her… "I wouldn't have hated you Olivia, you were my wife… If I had only known…" He manages.

She gently intervenes, "I know Fitz; I've spent many nights beating myself up over that very same thought… but I was so lost back then, I was unable to make rational decisions."

Honestly, her explanation up until now had done very little to quell his discontent, if anything he felt even more wound up in knowing that she had kept all this from him, and that he himself had failed to realise it was happening… However, he was finally starting to see things from her point of view… and to be honest it was very bleak… She seemed she had been in a bad place for a very long time, and although she had found some sort of coping mechanism, through the art of deception… She was clearly very ill, and obviously by the time she walked out she must have reached breaking point… He was suddenly scared to ask, but he needed to know… "But you carried on like that for months, fooling us all, pretending everything was fine, when it clearly was not… So, I guess the unspoken question is, what caused you to finally break?" He asks in trepidation...

She closes her eyes as she recalls that fateful day... The memory of it still cuts like a knife... So much happened that day that some parts come back to her in bits and pieces, but one memory always sticks in her mind...

"Joshua wouldn't stop crying... He just wouldn't stop crying..."