Desperate Measures

Menacingly, the smooth steal seems to glare up at her, as if daring her to carry through with her intent… She tries to block out the piecing cries of her son as she directs her focus on to the blade, which is now pressing dangerously against her wrist. She nearly hurt him... how could she? What kind of mother does that make her? What kind of monster? She thinks hysterically. She was never worthy of being his mother; yes she loved him, but love was clearly not enough; because if it were, she wouldn't have even contemplated it… God, just the thought of it was making her want to spill her guts… The truth was that deep down she always knew she couldn't trust herself around him and today proved that... She was a liability now… And this was the only way to protect him, the only way to make it stop.

Knowing what needs to be done, she zeros in on the knife that is griped in her right hand and poised at her left wrist. Her breath stills; Josh's cries becoming a distant lull in the fog of her crazed mind, as she applies the necessary pressure to break the skin. At the first sight of blood, a hiss of pain escapes her lips, it hurts, but it doesn't matter, as she wills herself to continue, to drag the blade diagonally across…

Impulsively Fitz reaches over, taking her hand in his own and turns it over, exposing her wrist to his gaze…He is greeted with a series of faint self-afflicted scars, but not the one he is looking for; the one that would indicate her attempt for a permanent end… "What happened?" He asks with a mixture of relief and anxiety.

"James". She tells him.

A knock at the door, a simple unexpected knock; that was all it took to break through to her. She drops the knife in the sink and backs away from the almost wreckage. Joshua's piercing wails suddenly coming to the forefront once more. Her hearts pounding with adrenaline.

Another knock… "Hello, is anyone there, it's James…" He must have grown concerned after hearing Joshua's's endless crying.

He knocks again, becoming more persistent… Panicked, knowing she must answer the door in to order to avoid further alarm from James on the other side; Olivia quickly turns on the tap, and runs her wrist under the cold tap, washing away the evidence of her near self-destruct.

A fourth round of knocking…Olivia breathlessly answers the door, a tea towel cleverly placed, masking her wrist from his view… "James?""

Olivia, hi… I was just knocking to see if everything was okay…? I heard Joshua crying from the hallway?" He looks past her, his eyes searching and falling upon Joshua in his highchair, red faced and flustered, still crying, arms outstretched. Realising she's suddenly under close scrutiny, Olivia goes over to him and lifts him out of his chair, and brings him over… "Yeah, he's not a happy bunny at the moment; he's just getting over the croup as well, so…" James gives him a little rub on his back… "Poor little chap, I remember when Ella had it, she was so hot and miserable with it.""

I know, I was just trying to get him to eat something, but he's not interested…""

Give him something sweet," he suggest, "that might work…""

That's a good idea, thanks, I'll try that…"

James looks over to her knowingly, "It's not easy, when they're sick, is it?""

No, no it's not…" Olivia answers, sounding more exasperated then she intended."

Well, if you ever need a break, don't hesitate to ask; I'm just across the hall and I'm more than willing to take the little tyke for a few hours. Plus Ella would love to have a playmate closer to her age around." He offers kindly. Olivia gives him a wan smile, "Thanks James, I'll bare that mind." she replies genuinely, before finally seeing him out.

"As soon as I knew the coast was clear, I sat down with Joshua and fell apart... I guess the realisation of what had almost occurred had painfully sunk in and I was completely distraught. Not only had I come close to harming our son, if it had not of been for James, you would have come home that night to find our son screaming in his highchair and my lifeless body, bled out, on the kitchen floor."

Fitz's blood runs cold in response to her stark summation. He finds himself suddenly bombarded with the image of what could have been, and it unnerves him greatly. To think they had been so close to losing her for good. The notion of which tolls on him heavily.

"I don't know what to say…" he admits, clearly taken back…

"What can you say?" She shrugs, "It is what it is; completely screwed up… Words are not going to change that…"

"You needed help Olivia, clinical intervention, counselling, whatever it took!" He states powerfully, "And I should have realised what was going on with you sooner, maybe then we wouldn't be where we are now…"

"Yes, and I should have come to you… but I couldn't; instead I made the decision to leave…"

He looks at her, deep in contemplation. "You know, even now, after all that has been said… I still find it hard to accept…"

"I know…"

"So, how did it go exactly; you bundled him up, took him to mum's and ran, is that it?"

"Yes and no…" she responds evenly. "At that point, I hadn't planned on leaving; I just knew I needed to take Joshua somewhere safe, somewhere far away from me. I was clearly in no fit state to look after him. After deciding it was best to take him to Anne, I somehow managed to pull myself together, got him ready and then quickly headed over there. I told Anne I needed to get a few things from the shop and then made a hasty departure." She lowers her head..."I didn't even kiss him goodbye…" she chokes out; ashamed by her actions, knowing that the last moment with her son had been played out so insignificantly… Filled with regret, she explains tearfully, "you see, I didn't want to hang around for long, because I knew it would only be a matter of time before Anne took one good look at me and figured it all out... My fear of her finding out the truth had inevitably cost me my one and only chance to say a proper goodbye to my son."

It was a realisation that had torn her up emotionally and physically in the months that followed.

Wistfully, she continues… "After I left Joshua with Anne, I ended up wondering into a park... I took a seat on a bench opposite the children's play area..." She analyses, "I suppose subconsciously I was trying to punish myself. I watched parents play and laugh with their children as they helped them up climbing frames and slides; their smiles haunting me, as I realised the smiles I shared with my son had not been genuine like theirs, instead they were a mask for the inner turmoil that I had silently endured since the day of his birth. And because of that, I had caused our child to miss out on so much... If it weren't for your input and nurturing in those first few months, Joshua would have suffered greatly at the hands of my inabilities... And it was in that precise moment, sat alone on a park bench that it suddenly dawned on me; I would be doing him a massive favour if I just up and disappeared. He was better off without me… And before I could even begin to process what a decision like that could mean for the future, I found myself back at our apartment, packing my bags..."

It burns him that throughout all this, she has failed to mention him… Did his feelings not count for anything when she was making these life altering decisions? Sure, he hadn't come with the intention to discuss their relationship, but still... When she left his entire world fell apart! And yet, he is starting to wonder if she ever spared him a single thought... He tries not to focus on this particular point, after all, he was here for his son, but somehow he can't seem to shake the feeling of resentment... Although, hell would have to freeze over first before he lets on to her just how much she has hurt him. He was done making himself vulnerable to her. However, there is one thing he needs to ask...

"You said you couldn't bring yourself to tell me face to face, and to an extent I get that...but at the very least- you could have written me a letter Olivia, left a note, something… My God, anything would have been better than nothing... Instead you left me in the dark for all those years, struggling to make sense of it all... As my wife, don't you think you owed me more than that?!"

"I did owe you more", she agrees wholeheartedly... "And I wanted to leave you something, but every time I tried to put pen to paper, the right words never came..."

"Maybe that's because there were no right words..." He retorts bitterly.

She nods. "You're right Fitz... I couldn't find the right words to express how much I had failed to be the mother and wife that you and Joshua deserved? Or find the the words to explain why I was leaving you... How could I ever begin to justify walking away from the best thing that have ever happened to me, or the life that you gave me. I had nothing before you came into my life. You might think walking away was the easier option, but believe me Fitz it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do! But I did it, because no matter how messed up it was, I truly believed it was the best thing for Joshua's welfare, and above all his safety."

He doesn't doubt her motives, not any more, and although he doesn't agree with the decisions she had made, he finally understands why. But now it was his turn to make the decisions... Was he going to let her back into their son's life, or not?

Silence falls between them, as he takes a moment to digest it all... There is a lot to consider and weigh up, but inevitably he finds that above all there is only one significant factor that needs to be addressed here…

Was Joshua's safety still at risk, now that she was back?