Reflection
After the first visit with her son and the subsequent meltdown that followed, Olivia seriously began to doubt that she'd be able to cope with another encounter… Leaving her boy at the park, the pain it caused was excruciating, it almost felt like she was reliving the moment when she had walked out on him two years ago. It had crushed her completely, to the point that when she entered her motel room, all she was fit for was collapsing onto the bed and crying, for what felt like hours. When Fitz called her later that evening, she had just about pulled it together long enough to hold the short conversation with him. He told her that he thought it went very well, she agreed; and then he quickly set a date for next week. Next week? To be honest she didn't know if she was disappointed or relieved… Disappointed, because that meant she wouldn't be able to see her sweet little boy for another week, and yet relieved because she figured it might take her that long to emotionally recover from their first meet up.
Being with Joshua, playing with him, talking and interacting with him was both wonderful and bitter sweet. Fitz had clearly done a wonderful job in raising him; he was polite, friendly, bright and extremely confident. It had been such a pleasure to be around him; that it started to make her wonder how she could have ever thought otherwise... It was in these moments of clarity, that she truly appreciated how sick she must have been leading up to the day she left. Looking back now, she finds it hard to comprehend how she could have even convinced herself that leaving him behind was for the best? In hind sight, what she should have done was turn to Fitz for help; that way she would not have felt forced to leave in order to keep Josh safe. But between a skewed sense of pride and the postpartum depression, it had cost her everything, because being out of her son's life for nearly two years, was not a good decision for anyone involved.
Just spending thirty minutes with him had made her realise how much of fool she had been by staying away; she had missed out on so much. And although it had twisted her up inside every time he called her Ms Olivia, she was still extremely thankful that Fitz had given her this chance to make up for lost time.
Being with her Joshua brought a sense of joy and fulfilment to her life that she had been desperately missing, but it equally came with immense guilt and way too many regrets. It was an emotional roller-coaster, where the easier option would be to get off, rather than to stay on and endure it. However, enduring it was what she had every intention of doing... As hard as this was, she hadn't come this far to simply walk away…