Little baby steps

The next few visits seem to go by without incident; her time with Joshua continues to be light and easy and the goodbyes, although still difficult, she was gradually learning to manage them better. She had also spoken with her old therapist, Dr Synnaire, a couple of times in the last few weeks too, and upon her advice had booked an appointment to see her later today.

Dr Synnaire wanted to review her progress. Olivia had officially stopped taking medication for her depression about a month or so before her return, so she just wanted to make sure she was coping fine without them, especially now that contact was being made. And when it came to Joshua, Olivia didn't want to take any chances either, so to be cautious she was more than happy to meet with her. But first she had an apartment to view. After searching tirelessly for something suitable and something well within her price bracket too, Olivia had finally come across a studio flat, about 20 minutes walking distance from Fitz's place… It seemed ideal; she was apparently the second viewing for the morning, following a young couple. She just hoped that they didn't put an offer in before she got a chance too.

"It's perfect…" she exclaims, walking over to the living room window to take a look outside at the view; not that it mattered either way, she was sold from the moment she stepped into the apartment.

The estate agent grinned, realising he didn't even need to push for a sale. "If you have the money to secure a month's rent and deposit, we can sign the papers today Mrs Grant?"

Enough said. She had the money to do that, and enough to cover next month's rent too if needs be. "Where do I sign?" She had replied giddily.

An hour later she had signed the lease and an exchange of money and keys sealed the deal. Things were finally looking up; all she had to do next was find herself a part time job, hopefully something not too stressful, but enough to cover the rent and bills. Being out of work for the last two years meant that financially money was very tight. She had thought about getting in contact with the law firm she had worked for prior to her maternity leave, that's if they would consider having her back. Although she wouldn't want to work in the same position she left in, she'd prefer to work as a legal support assistant instead. It was key that she eased herself back into work, as she couldn't afford any additional stress.

Looking down at her watch, unable to comprehend where the time had disappeared to, she realises she has less than an hour to get to Dr Synnaire's office, she was already cutting it a bit fine. So, after thanking the estate agent, who handed her his personal business card, telling her suggestively that if she needed any help she should call him directly, she made a swift departure.

A bus journey across town, followed by a brisk 10 minute walk she finally steps into the reception of Dr Synnaire's office, and checks in with five minutes to spare. Picking up a magazine from the coffee table, she takes a seat in the empty waiting room and waits patiently for Dr Synnaire to finish up with her other patient; suddenly eager to fill her in on her good news.

"Aaaw Olivia, my dear, it's good to see you… come on in…"

"Hi, it's good to see you too Dr Synnaire," Olivia smiles upon entering the room and taking a seat. Dr Synnaire takes the seat opposite her; she doesn't fail to recognise her upbeat deposition.

"Olivia, I have to say it's good to see you in such high spirits…" She comments, jotting notes down on her pad as they converses. Olivia thinks back to when she first starting seeing Dr Synnaire, and how she used to find the constant jotting down of notes in her sessions a little unnerving, as it made her feel scrutinised, but now she hardly paid attention to it...

Dr Synnaire had first met Olivia at Merriview, when she worked there as the resident psychologist. Olivia had admitted herself after a failed overdose of pain killers. She had been in pretty bad shape; and was immediately diagnosed with severe depression, after her admission of self-harming, suicidal thoughts and several attempts to take her life; plus her weight loss was also a cause for concern too. Despite Olivia's desire to get better, she was not the most forthcoming of patients in session. Very closed off in the beginning, the only thing she was willing to discuss was her son, who she missed dearly, and who was now her sole motivation in getting the help she needed. It wasn't until much later on in her therapy, during a particularly emotionally charged session, that her past with her father and the abandonment she experienced following the untimely death of her mother, was brought to light; which then finally caused her to touch upon her relationship with Fitz, because he had played such a pivotal role in turning her life around. Before Fitz, Olivia had spent her late teens and early adulthood searching for love in all the wrong places, sleeping with, and dating the wrong type of men; men who failed to treat her with the respect that she truly deserved. But that all changed when she met Fitz during her third year of college; he was the first person, in what seemed like a very long time to genuinely care about her. And that's why, above everyone else, she had found discussing her feelings about Fitz the most difficult, because quite frankly it was too painful to address the guilt she had built up, in knowing that she had let down the only person that loved her, in the worst possible way.

Considering her past, Dr Synnaire suspected that Olivia probably needed some form of counselling well before her postnatal depression set in. The poor woman had a whole host of demons that she had not properly addressed. Her courtship and marriage to Fitz, which had been near perfect, had happily provider her with the distraction she needed to forget about the past. But sadly, it was the miscarriage of their first child that brought a number of the cracks to the surface again. She had loss the baby at 14 weeks, and it had hit her very hard. To be fair, it was a difficult time for the both of them; they had got so excited at the prospect of starting a family together, that when she lost the baby it felt like they had lost all their future hopes and dreams along with it too. But whilst Fitz mourned, she became fixated on trying to mend what was broken, but it seemed like the only way to do that was to try for another baby. Fitz felt like she needed more time, that she needed to grieve for the baby she had just lost first, but she wouldn't listen to reason. Of course it didn't take Fitz long to give in to her; at the end of the day he only wanted her to be happy, and if having another baby was the way to do that, then he would give her what she desired.

It didn't take long for them to get pregnant again. And as soon as Olivia found out she was expecting, her whole demeanour changed for the good; she appeared genuinely happy again, because this pregnancy had affectively become a buffer to the source of her sadness. However, neither she nor Fitz had banked on the possibility of her developing postnatal depression, nor its ability to prise open the gates to all her latent issues, which started to manifest into something that could no longer be ignored; subsequently tipping her over the edge, and landing her as an inpatient at Merriview.

It was a combination of intense therapy sessions and well-regulated medication that had slowly but surely pulled her out of self-destruct mode, and drew her into a more reasonable state of mind where she could rationally access her current situation and emotions, without falling back into a cycle of disparaging thoughts and internalised chastisement.

As the weeks turned into months, Olivia had begun to show promise of a full recovery, where regaining a relationship with her son continued to be the major driving force behind her rehabilitation. After 7 months of extensive treatment, followed by an additional six weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy, Dr Synnaire had advised Olivia to make contact with Fitz, in order to strengthen the process of healing and moving forward. However, Olivia had been very reluctant to do so whilst she was still under the care of Merriview, and therefore did not start making plans to make contact until a couple of months later, when she was officially discharged.

It was from there that she continued seeing Dr Synnaire privately at her own practice, once a week, until she was eventually advised that it was safe for her to stop taking medication all together.

That was almost six weeks ago…

"Olivia that's very good news, I'm glad that it's worked out for you, I know how stressful that housing situation was becoming."

"Yes, it really was… but I got there in the end!" She beams, feeling immensely proud of herself.

"And how are the visits with Joshua coming along?"

"Really good actually, as you know the goodbyes have been especially hard; not to mention the fact that Joshua is still in the dark as to who I really am, which still hurts like hell, but apart from that, little by little we're developing a bond that is bringing us closer and closer… He's such a sweetheart, honestly I can't get enough of him."

"And what about Fitz? The last we spoke you said that he's been keeping his distance from you, as and where possible… Is that still the case?"

Olivia nods, "Yes, not much has changed on that front, he remains civil at the best of times, other than that, he keeps all conversation strictly about Joshua."

"So I take it that you two have not discussed your relationship yet?"

"Hardly," Olivia admits solemnly, only wishing she had more to say on the matter… Although Fitz is always around when she's with Joshua; apart from that one night at her motel, she has not spent any time with him alone; which she had found hard to accept… "Other than Joshua, he doesn't want anything to do with me…"

"Has he said that to you?"

"No, not directly, but he doesn't have to, I can tell by his behaviour towards me; he is totally indifferent, as if we were merely strangers… Actually I take that back, because when I met him for the first time, when we were actual strangers, I got more compassion from him then, than what I do now, despite our history…"

Dr Synnaire scribbles something down on her pad, before looking over to her again and asking gently… "And how are you coping with that?"

She pauses… "Some days I deal with it just fine, I remind myself that the most important thing is having Joshua back in my life, which Fitz has made allowances for, and to which I am extremely grateful, but then there are other days, where his aloof manner really gets to me… and I find I miss him terribly, even when he's right there next to me…"

Dr Synnaire ponders briefly on those last few words, before carefully calling her out on it… "Before you left for Washington DC, you admitted that you still loved him, do you still feel that way about him, now that you're back?"

Let's not beat around the bush, I see…

For a moment Olivia had forgotten how direct Dr Synnaire can be with her questions; getting her to bare her soul no matter how raw and vulnerable she is feeling… She recalls, Dr Synnaire had once explained the only way to begin the healing process is to start by being honest with yourself… And only then, can you work on being honest with others. She sighs; realising there's no point in denying it… "I don't think I'll ever stop loving him…"

It's a big statement; and one that is bound to have huge ramifications in the way that she manages Fitz's behaviour towards her… It worries Dr Synnaire somewhat, as she fears that if Fitz does not reciprocate these same feelings for Olivia, Olivia may internalise his rejection in a dangerous manner, and it could well be the catalyst for a major setback in her progress. The key here was for her to realise that whatever Fitz decides, she must not punish herself if it's not the answer she is hoping for, and above all she cannot allow it to dictate her future relationship with her son. For Joshua has been, and will continue to be the only person that truly grounds her, the key factor in her rehabilitation. He is the one who has kept her motivated and focused on getting better and without him in her life it would most definitely lead to a relapse. Therefore it was vital for her to keep her feelings for Fitz and Joshua separate, and not muddle the two together…

"Olivia, I think it's good that you can be honest about your feelings for Fitz, but at the same time I don't want that to have impact on the progress you are making with Joshua… You need to decide what is more important right now, having Joshua in your life, or is it having Fitz? Not that I'm saying it's impossible to have them both, maybe in time that can happen, but right now…"

"I know, I know… I must only focus on Joshua, and the majority of the time that's what I do, but sometimes I can't ignore my feelings for Fitz either…"

Dr Synnaire takes on a more serious stance, as she tells her frankly… "Fitz and you have a very long way to go Olivia… For one, although you have been very forthcoming with what happened leading up to your departure and then your time spent at Merriview… You have not been completely honest with him with regards to the other matter, have you…?"

Tears begin to form in her eyes, as Dr Synnaire touches upon a very sensitive subject… "But I can't, I can't tell him… not yet…"

"And I understand Olivia, I do; because you're nowhere near ready to broach that subject with him. However, know this; until you are ready, and you can be completely honest with him, your relationship with Fitz has no real chance of moving forward, not whilst this secret remains between you…"

"I know that, and you're right… It's just... It's too much…" she weeps, wiping away stray tears.

"Remember Olivia, little baby steps; that is what's needed right now… Developing a relationship with your son, that comes first, and then, when the time is right and you're ready to face it- you can concentrate on Fitz…"