Painful Memories

There were times where she would forget she had ever done it, and then other times where the knowledge of her actions would come flooding back, threatening to consume her whole. She has had many regrets in her lifetime, a list as long as her arm, where unfortunate circumstances had inevitably led to poor and irrational decisions being made on her part; like walking out on her son and husband, which obviously topped the list. But this… this came in at a very close second, and unlike the first, there was absolutely nothing she could do to change what was done…

Thinking back, some people would have thought her decision was pretty rational… Considering all that had happened, the post natal depression, the reason why she left her family in the first place… How could she even contemplate going through it again, under these circumstances? Not to mention that clearly she was in no fit state, mentally or physically to put her body under that sort of strain.

She had always considered herself Pro-life until the moment she was faced with the impossible. She didn't like the idea of getting rid of her baby, not one bit, but what other choice did she have? She could hardly go back to Fitz and ask for help… Besides, she knew what he would want, and she knew there was no way she could have another child.

The only other option left was adoption. However, she knew she couldn't go through with that either; to carry that baby for 9 months and then possibly face another traumatic birth...only to go and break her heart once again by handing the baby over to a complete stranger... No way! Besides, she could never do that to Fitz, give away his child without his knowledge. If anything she would have given the baby to him.

Therefore the most logical decision would be for her to have the abortion. However, once a decision like that was made there was no turning back… Which she had found out only too well; immediately after the physician switched off the machine and announced stoically "It's all over now Olivia," before getting up from his position in between her spread thighs and removing his gloves, whose tips where now tinged in her blood and her baby's... She felt like she was going to be sick. "I'll go and get the nurse now, to help you get cleared up". He told her and then he exited the room, leaving her alone for a few minutes.

God, even now the memory of it still haunts her… Lying alone on that gurney, the harsh reality of what she'd done hitting her like a freight train... Uncontrollably, she began to cry, although it was more akin to wailing; gut wrenching sobs escaping her, as she screamed in anguish, feeling ashamed and guilt ridden with grief by the cause by her actions… By the time the nurse came in, she was completely inconsolable; that the doctor on duty had no choice but to sedate her.

The days that followed her discharge, were some of bleakest days she'd ever endured… She'd go from endless crying to absolutely nothing, and then back to crying again… The pain of her lost, her many losses… it was so acute, that the only release she found was when she decorated her wrists and arms with tiny shallow cuts, and even then it wasn't enough… Eventually, it came to a point where she didn't want to feel anything anymore…

A bottle of paracetamol, chased by half a bottle of wine and as fate would have it, a persistent landlord after his rent, finding her unconscious on her couch, had landed her right back into hospital… The doctors had advised her then that she should seek therapeutic treatment, but at the time she really wasn't in a place to receive help... After all that she'd done, she felt help was the last thing she deserved.

And it went on like that for months, the self-harming, coupled with suicidal thoughts and acts; and when she wasn't doing that, she'd continue to punish herself even further, with endless thoughts of Joshua, laughing and playing with, who would have been his little brother or sister… if only she stayed, if only she hadn't gone through with the ab…... even now she can't bring herself to say the word aloud… As she mourned for a future that would never come to pass, due to her selfishness and the wicked things that she'd done.

It wasn't until her third (and final) attempt to kill herself, where she was hospitalised once again, did she actually begin to recognise the danger she had become to herself… Thoughts of Joshua plaguing her once more, only now she pictured him much older… looking for her…. looking for answers… Why had she left him? Did she ever love him? Only to find her gone, permanently removed, dead, her body buried six foot under, with only a tombstone to look at; offering no real answers to his questions, other than the fact that she had given up completely.

She couldn't do that to him, not on top of everything else… If anything she needed to make amends for all the wrongs she had committed to both Joshua and his father, not to mention the tiny life that she had put a premature end to.

But before she could even begin to do that, she first had to admit to herself the one thing that she had been denying for so long…

She was very ill and she needed help.

During her stay in the hospital, she opened up to her doctor, Dr Brunswick, about the desperate situation she had found herself in; in fact he was the one who recommended Merriview, as a good place to start. Although by then, she had already made her mind up, and immediately after being discharged from hospital, she found herself on the doorstep of Merriview's Mental Health Care Facility, and finally had herself committed.

At last, it was a decision that held no regrets.

Everything that had happened from there onwards… Every session, every pill she forced herself to swallow, every tear shed, every single truth that she had to face and then learn to accept had been a stepping stone to where she was now… Having to deal, face to face with her past; Joshua and Fitz, as well as the rest of the carnage that she had left behind… And to be fair she has done just that! She came back and faced up to her share of the blame, humbly accepting the anger and criticism that had been cast her way, without letting it break her… Whilst continuing to persevere onwards, passing up moments where it would have been easier to just give up and give in...

No one can deny that she has come a long way. However, despite the progress she has made, no matter how hard she tries; no matter how much she wants to be 100% honest with those she need to be; with Fitz in particular… When it came to this secret that she's been holding on to, she doubts she will ever find the courage that is needed to confess what she did…