The first day back to classes, John couldn't take his usual nap during History of Magic because he was hyper-aware of the Slytherins in the classroom. He was glad it was the only class with Slytherin that day, but Wednesday they had double Potions with them after lunch. John was glad it was safe in class with teachers watching. His eyes kept trailing up from his defence text to Professor Vertstone in their last class on Wednesday. As the bell rang, John told his friends not to wait up for him. He walked up to the front desk.
"Professor?"
"The homework is a twelve inch essay on vampires." Professor Vertstone stated without looking up from a paper he was grading.
"Er, yes, I know." John blinked, fiddling with the end of his jumper. "I-I was wondering if you could give me extra defence lessons." The professor's quill stilled.
"No." He answered, dipping it in the inkwell.
"B-but Professor!" John squawked, not having been prepared for such an immediate rejection.
"I cannot give any of my students special treatment." He said as he corrected a spelling error. There were a lot of purple marks on the page. John felt sorry for whoever wrote it. Wilkes?
"Please, Professor, I don't want to be useless against Mulciber and Avery again." John begged. Professor Vertstone looked up from the parchment.
"If I agree to give you extra lessons, I will be expected to give everyone else extra lessons as well. I understand your wish to gain a better grasp on your magic, but you would be better served asking a sixth year."
"Why not a seventh year?"
"They should be busy studying for their N.E.W.T.s." He answered simply. John sighed.
"Is there really nothing I can do to get you to teach me?" John pressed. Professor Verstone put his quill down and sighed.
"Are you ready for the extra workload?" He asked, and John nodded without thinking about it. "The extra hours on weekends? Extra homework?" John nodded again, albeit more hesitantly.
"I really want to get stronger." Less useless, at least. There was a long moment of quiet that hung between them.
"If you can write me two feet on why you are so desperate to have extra lessons, I will consider it." Professor Vertstone said, after much deliberation.
"Oh, thank you so much Professor!" John cheered, then dashed out of the classroom.
Instead of joining his friends for leisure time, he went down to the kitchens with his school bag. Fopsy was immediately at his side, asking him what she could do for him. John vaguely asked for something to eat before getting a parchment and quill out and trying to think of why he wanted extra defence lessons. The first thing that came to mind was how much of a coward he felt like for running away and having to be rescued, and he hated that. He didn't want to have to depend on others to protect him. He didn't want to be so horrible at magic. He hated that James and Sirius were so effortlessly better than him.
But above those urges, he realized it was down to his parents. He struggled with them, unsure whether it would be safe to tell them he was a boy, but he still cared for them. He knew everything they did and all their misconceptions came from a place of love. He knew he would be devastated if anything happened to them, and he knew they wouldn't be able to defend themselves if the Death Eaters decided to target them. John wanted to keep them safe.
Fopsy brought him his meal as John decided what he would be writing about. He stayed in the kitchens for around two hours before deciding to head back to the Gryffindor common room. He succeeded in finding his way up out of the dungeons this time, and avoided running into any unsavory Slytherins. Lily spotted him as he entered the common room and insisted he sit by her. She was working on a Potions essay. They chatted and he shared with her his mission to get more Defence lessons from Professor Vertstone. She offered to look over his essay when he was finished.
It took a moment to think over what he had written in his rough draft, and he hesitated, not sure if she would want to stay friends with him after reading. He hadn't been the most subtle about the state of his gender, as he was writing it under the impression that nobody would read it aside from Professor Vertstone. It wasn't the main point of the essay, but he hadn't avoided talking about it in any sense. Lily's eyes were kind and her smile seemed to say she wouldn't care about anything she learned from it. John bit his lip and Lily didn't pressure him. Neither of them spoke for the rest of the night. John didn't give her an answer.
The next day, he focused more than usual in Defence, wanting to show Professor Vertstone that he was serious about the extra lessons. After reviewing vampires, they went over the knockback jinx they learned last year with the intent of learning its more powerful form next class. John's spellwork was no better than usual and he was understandably frustrated by the end of it all. In Charms, they worked on cushioning charms, and John's frustration continued to mount when he left class with more bruises than anyone else. Lily hadn't a blemish on her fair skin. He spent all of lunch rewriting his essay for Professor Vertstone, and nearly collapsed with relief when it was time for Herbology. That was his only pleasant class, as double Transfiguration with Ravenclaw gave him such a bad headache he almost cried. James's gloating when he got the spell right on the first try certainly hadn't helped things. Professor McGonagall stopped him after class and John groaned audibly. His friends sent him pitying looks and left him behind.
"Step into my office." Professor McGonagall said, leading him to her office. It was simple, with hardly any personal touches. A paperweight shaped like a cat sat on the desk, along with a framed photograph John couldn't see as it was facing away from him.
"Am I in trouble?" John asked, wondering if somehow his incident with Avery and Mulciber had been twisted to blame him instead of them.
"I am merely concerned with your academics." She folded her hands on her desk. "You continue to excel with Herbology and Potions, but your grades in the practical magic classes have been abysmal." John winced at her blunt honesty. "Now, there was a marked improvement following my last talk with you, but you have slipped once more. I hope for your sake this isn't going to become a pattern."
"It's not my fault everyone is better than me." He grumbled, crossing his arms and sinking lower in the seat he'd taken in front of her desk.
"Mister Smith, you are in no way incapable." Professor McGonagall said, her voice firm but not harsh. "Magic is very much tied to one's emotional control, and it is possible stress could be affecting your spellcasting abilities."
"But I've never been good at magic!" John insisted. "It doesn't matter how hard I practice, I'm never anywhere close to what everyone else can do. I wanted to be good at transfiguration, but James is loads better than me when he isn't even trying- but he does try so I don't have any hope of catching up!" He exclaimed, his voice rising. "Lily is a genius at charms, Remus is miles ahead of me in defence, Snape is the best at potions, and the only thing I'm good at is herbology but everyone knows that's the easiest class so it doesn't even matter!" He stopped to catch his breath, wiping his eyes and feeling like he was burning. It hadn't been his intention to shout, but it had been the first time he'd properly voiced these insecurities.
"It does no good to compare yourself to others, Mister Smith." McGonagall said after a pause, her voice calm. "And you are certainly not the first student I've had who struggles with magic when they first start out. We need to determine the precise root of the problem, and I can tell you right now that being angry is doing nothing to help." She paused, and John sniffled. "What were you doing differently that brought your grades up last time?"
"M-my friends were tutoring me…" He mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
"There's no shame in that." She told him, but suspected the words didn't get through to him. "Why did you stop asking for their help?" McGonagall flicked her wand at a tea set and it began preparing itself.
"It's embarrassing…" John fiddled with his robes. Professor McGonagall detected a stubborn individual and tried a different route.
"What part of magic is difficult for you?"
"All of it?" He shrugged, but thought harder when she fixed him with an unimpressed stare. "I just don't understand it."
"The theory?" She pressed, and he nodded. It would explain why he struggled with charms, defence, and transfiguration but not herbology and potions. "Have you considered asking your professors for help?" She asked, thinking she knew the answer before he even shook his head.
"Well… I-I asked Professor Vertstone for extra lessons." He admitted after a moment. "He said I have to write a two-foot long essay about why I want them though." There was a pause.
"And are you doing so?" She asked, and John nodded. "I believe Professor Vertstone will be able to assist you with theory. From what I've been told, he is an effective teacher."
"But what about charms and transfiguration?" John asked, frowning.
"When you understand the theory behind one type of spell, the others will be easier to understand as well. I would offer to give you extra lessons myself, but my duties as Head of House and Deputy Headmistress keep me busier than most other professors." She smiled at him, looking truly sincere in her regret. "I do wish to see all my students succeed however, so my offer still stands if you ever need to talk. I hope you will do so of your own volition sometime. Tea?"
John blinked as she poured herself a cup, and he accepted. It was surprisingly flowery, and she told him it had been imported from overseas. Professor McGonagall said nothing when he wiped his face with his sleeve, instead offering him a biscuit. They discussed his schooling for only a brief moment longer before she asked him how he was doing outside of classes. John wondered if she had these sorts of conversations with all of her students, or just those who were in danger of failing their classes. It was pleasant regardless of this, and when he left he felt more relaxed than he had in quite some time.
He hadn't mentioned Avery and Mulciber to Professor McGonagall, and he wondered if she knew about that incident. She hadn't asked him about it, though that might have been to avoid unpleasant conversation matters after they'd gotten past the talk of his grades. John stood at the stairs he knew would lead him to the kitchens and glanced from the stairs to the doors of the Great Hall. He wasn't entirely sure of the time, but he was positive he hadn't been kept past dinner, so he decided to go to the Great Hall.
Not in the mood to be around the high-energy shenanigans of his dorm-mates, James sat beside Lily. Her usual gaggle of girl friends was nowhere to be seen, but she smiled at him when she noticed him. Perhaps the girls weren't around because she was reading. He helped himself to dinner and they chatted. It was a pleasant conversation. They finished eating, and as they were standing to go to the Gryffindor common room, John made a decision.
"You can read my essay."
"Are you sure? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"Yeah, I'm sure."
John waved at his friends as him and Lily left the Great Hall. Neither of them spoke, and the Gryffindor common room was decently empty with how many students were at dinner. Him and Lily sat on one of the couches and he pulled the most recent draft of his essay out, shoving it in her general direction without looking at her. The minutes he waited for her to finish seemed endless and his nerves almost made him sick. When Lily finally finished, she handed it back to him and smiled.
"I can't think of anything to change, John." She said his name firmly. "You're not a daft sort of bloke when you know what you're talking about."
John hugged her tightly, burying his nose into her hair so she couldn't see the emotion on his face. The lack of immediate questions and the deliberate emphasis of his name and status as a 'bloke' was enough for him to know she didn't care that he was trans. Lily returned the hug, patting his back. It was through sheer force of will that he didn't cry. She was the first person he'd told after Allie, and he'd known Allie his entire life. He mumbled his thanks into her ear before pulling away.
"So you're like, Michael Dillon?" Lily asked, and John looked at her cluelessly.
"Michael Dillon?"
"Yeah, Laurence Michael Dillon." Lily responded, very unhelpfully. "He died in '62, when he was in India." She added.
"I don't see how that makes me anything like him, as I am currently still alive and not in India." John raised his eyebrow.
"He got a bunch of surgeries and took pills and stuff for the thing." Lily said, finally giving him some useful information.
"Oh. I guess so. I dunno about getting a bunch of surgeries though." He said, then fixed her with a confused look. "How do you even know about him? I don't even know about him."
"I wanted to be in the navy when I was a little girl." Lily giggled, as if she were no longer a little girl. "There were some stories about him so I read them even though it all went over my head at the time."
"You? In the navy?" John laughed. "You wouldn't do well in the navy."
"Oi, shove off!" Lily laughed, shoving his arm without much force. She clearly didn't mean it though as her eyes were full of mirth.
The two of them continued to joke around, not getting a single lick of work done. John rolled up his essay and put it into his bag, planning on handing it to Professor Vertstone the next time he saw him. It was nice, telling someone about himself and being accepted. He wondered if Remus felt the same way about them telling him they didn't care about him being a werewolf.
James and the other boys entered the common room with loud laughter. The bespectacled boy's grin dropped slightly when he saw John and Lily together on the couch, sitting perhaps the smallest bit too close. John noticed and felt a dirty sort of pleasure from the way his face screwed up in poorly concealed jealousy and his dorm-mates all went up to the room. Lily nudged him as he'd gone quiet and John returned the nudge, mentally berating himself.
It wasn't as if he fancied Lily, and it wasn't right to be happy with his friend's jealousy. While he was pleased there was actually something James wasn't better at than him, that didn't mean he had to be nasty about it. It wasn't as if getting along with Lily was a particular skill anyways. He would have to make sure to remind James he didn't like Lily that way before things got out of hand. He didn't want pointless romantic drama to get in the way of his friendships.
James looked embarrassed when John brought it up later that night, and scratched his hand through his hair. He didn't admit it, but John got the feeling he was reassured. The five Gryffindor boys went to sleep soon after, and the next morning John woke up nearly as early as James to rush off to Defence Against the Dark Arts after an early breakfast. Professor Vertstone looked over from the chalkboard as he entered the room and arched a thin brow. John pulled his essay out and held it out to Professor Vertstone.
The professor took the essay and walked to his office, silver cane tapping on the ground. John decided to sit at his usual desk and wait for class to start. He was woken by Lily sitting beside him and class seemed to fly by despite John's lack of understanding of what they were doing. It was a practical lesson on the knockback jinx and John certainly found himself knocked back several times by Lily's wand. After class, he approached the Defence professor, who told him he would read his paper before dinner. John sighed and nodded but went to Transfiguration without further complaint.
Defence may have passed quickly, but the rest of his classes certainly didn't. He practically ran from the dungeons when Potions was over at the end of the day. Avery and Mulciber couldn't have bullied him if they tried. His friends watched him go with confusion, but he didn't notice. John was out of breath by the time he reached the Defence classroom, and Professor Vertstone raised his eyebrows at the second year wheezing in his doorway.
"Your first lesson is on Sunday at 2 o'clock." He stated, walking over to John and handing his essay back. At the top was a single word in purple ink. 'Good.'
"Th-thank you professor!" John gasped out. He received a rare smile from the typically stoic Defence professor.
"Don't be late." He said, and that was all.
John nearly collapsed. His legs felt like jelly from running and he was ecstatic. The walk from the Defence classroom to search for his friends was slow as he let himself catch his breath. He'd done it! Now all he had to do was hope the lessons actually paid off. He was feeling optimistic.
Word Count: 3,057
So, math places Hogwarts' student population at around ~280 students yeah? (there are the boys and girls dorms which have 5 students each, so 10 new students per house, meaning 40 new students per year, and multiply that number by 7 gives us 280) And I know Rowling doesn't think about Hogwarts as being that small of a school (she thinks of it as 1,000...), but the wizarding population is supposed to be TINY compared to muggles (only around 3,000! Which makes NO SENSE if there are generally supposed to be 1,000 students at Hogwarts?), and I personally think it's KIND OF CRAZY to only have 1 teacher for each core subject if the school is really bigger than ~280. Now, there are different ways to interpret the wizarding population, but I like to just base it on the size of Hogwarts as of Harry's year, so that puts us at ~280 students at Hogwarts at a time and the total population being reasonable at 3,000.
With that number I thought, "wouldn't it be nice if the teachers/heads of house were a little more involved with their students' wellbeing? If you, as a house head, have around 70 students you're primarily in charge of every year, wouldn't it be easier to make more personal bonds with them than if you had, say, 250?" So because I adore Minerva McGonagall and John is too stubborn to talk to his friends about his problems, I had her reach out to him.
Aside from that, John finally came out to someone! It was Lily, obviously, and yeah Michael Dillon is actually a real person. I've read a lot of different fics where someone comes out as trans to someone and they all kinda go like "I'm- I'm transgender." very bluntly and the thought of saying that is so weird (and that's even ignoring the fact that I never fully say transgender I just say trans)? And like, they're only 12, I doubt they really care to get into the specifics y'know? So with Lily having some background knowledge (that was kind of just me wanting to make it convenient but hey, kids know things that relate to their interests sometimes) and John's essay explaining it a little I decided I didn't need them to talk about it much. Don't worry, he's still got at least 6 other people to come out to :p None of that is really going to happen until next year tho but whatever
Anyways, I love you all *insert the heart emoticon that fanfiction won't let me keep* it would be wonderful if you could maybe leave a review, it really keeps me going :') Regardless, I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time!