Put to the test
"No Joshua, you need to eat all your dinner first!" Olivia tells him sternly, no longer prepared to entertain his whimpering.
"But, but I want my car!"
"I told you already Mister, there is no space for the car on here, you can play after… now come on". She takes his spoon and tries to feed him another mouthful, but he presses his lips together in protest and turns his head, bringing forth even more tears as he cries… "No, I want to do it myself!"
Olivia takes a deep breath, in a bid to compose herself. So this was the stubborn and difficult side to Joshua that Fitz had previously warned her about. She knew Joshua was very independent, and liked to do things himself, but what she was not used to was his petulance. Granted he had been dropped off later than planned, due to Fitz being detained at work; therefore his normal schedule was slightly out of sync; then added to the fact that his bedtime was drawing nearer and nearer, in short, he was not a happy camper.
This was his third night of staying over at her flat. After they revealed the truth to Joshua, visits gradually became more frequent, sometimes with Fitz present, others without. Joshua seemed to be adjusting nicely to the idea that Ms Olivia was actually his mummy, and apart from the few odd slips ups in the early stages where he'd call her Ms Olivia by force of habit. He soon got used to calling her his mum and he was just as much, if not more, attached to her as before.
For her, the journey from stranger to "nice lady" and then eventually mother, had been rocky in places but on a whole, relatively smooth sailing alls considering. Naturally, nerves did surface from time to time, in particular the day when she was first faced with having Joshua for a couple of hours to herself, alone. She had worked herself up into a right tizzy; a sudden lack of self confidence in her abilities to handle him on her own had threatened to overwhelm her. In the end, it took Fitz's reassurance to get her past it, where he told her unequivocally that she was more than capable of looking after their son, otherwise he would have never agreed to it in the first place, and that what she was feeling was nothing more than good old fashion nerves, and not her incompetency at being his mother. Fitz had been right of course, and her first evening with Joshua to herself turned out to be a blast. All her fears of Joshua not wanting to stay with her, without Fitz being present were quickly put to rest.
Fitz also seemed to be dealing with the changes well, in as much to say he didn't give her much reason to believe otherwise. His faith in her was unquestionable; whereas, leading up to Joshua's birthday party she sometimes felt that he was just waiting for her to mess up, so he could put a premature end to their arrangement, but she didn't feel like that anymore. If anything his belief in her made her feel even more confident in herself. However, other than the unfailing support he gave towards her and Joshua's budding relationship as mother and son, he gave very little away on how he felt about her. That was still a very closed book and chapter between them. Deep down, she believed the reason it was closed off, was because he no longer felt that way about her, and therefore he did not wish to broach the subject with her knowing it will only rock the boat.
If only she knew how wrong she was.
On the subject of Fitz, the urge to call him right now and let him talk her through the best approach in managing Joshua's current demeanour, was extrememly tempting- but she relented. She needed to trust her own judgement and prove that she could cope on her own. It was clear that Joshua was determined not to co-operate, and similarly she was equally determined not to give into to his every whim. A lot had changed since their first encounters; Joshua was used to her appeasing him, not opposing him, and so naturally he challenged her back with tears and tantrums. It was a battle of wills, which she was determined to triumph over, after all, she was Joshua's mother and she needed to show her son who was in charge here. As difficult as it was to see him like this, she forced herself to ignore his tears, logic telling her he was in no real distress and that he will give up soon enough, although she almost caved in when he started to cry for Fitz...
"I want my Daddy," he wails, as if in real anguish.
She can't lie, hearing him calling for his father in preference to her hurt a lot. It was difficult not to take his words to heart, but she tried her best not to. Shakily…"Joshua, Daddy is not here, okay? You're staying with Mummy tonight… And right now Mummy needs her big boy to eat up, so she can get him ready for bed."
"NO! I want Daddy!" He counters; his face all red and his eyes and nose now streaming.
She bites her lip, telling herself he is just a baby; he doesn't really mean to upset her and that this is nothing more than a wilful toddler testing the boundaries. Stay strong she tells herself.
Stay strong.
Firmly, and completely ignoring his cries for Fitz, "Joshua, you have a choice, either you eat your dinner now and have some time to play after, or you can continue with this silly show and miss out on play time and go straight to bed instead. Which is it?"
"No, I don't want to go to bed!" he retorts almost immediately, now faced with the prospect of no play.
"Right then, well I suggest you eat up!"
She goes to grab the spoon again, but he stops her in a sulk, and hic-cups... "I want… I want to do it myself".
Choosing to pick her battles wisely, she relents knowing that this was not one of them… "Fine, here you go then, I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest, as long as you eat everything up, okay?"
She gets up and walks over to the kitchen, giving him some space to calm down and proceed in doing as she's asked of him. Watching on quietly from afar, she sighs in relief when he finally places a spoonful of mash potatoes and peas in mouth.
The battle half won.
20 minutes later, as promised, she lets him have a little play as she cleans away his empty bowl. When she comes back, he looks up at her with a smile that denies all distress from earlier on; remarkable she thinks. And if anything, it makes her proud to know that she had played it out just right… Joshua had been fed and was now totally content, and she never had to back down once and give in to him, nor rely on Fitz to achieve it. Happy and feeling pretty chuffed with herself she joins her son on the rug and continues to play with him for another 10 minutes, before finally announcing bedtime. And what do you know... he doesn't even cause a fuss as he lets her help him into his jimjams, tucks him in, and reads him a bedtime story.
Passed out, she kisses him on the forehead and whispers lovingly, "Nite nite, my sweet boy, mummy loves you."
It's not until later on, when she finally gets herself ready for bed and lays down beside him, does it actually dawn on her that the scene that took place tonight was eerily reminiscent of the night she walked out on them. Joshua wailing, not wanting to eat… A few months ago, that would have surely fazed her and sent her into blind panic mode, but tonight it didn't even enter her head, she had kept her cool and persevered on, and for her, more than anything else that signified just how far she had come along.