I find it kinda funny….

I find it kinda sad…

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had….

I find it hard to tell you,

I find it hard to take…

When people run in circles, it's a very very…

Mad world… Mad world…

A little girl stands in front of me. "Why did you do it?"

"Why did I do what?" I sit up in bed.

She can't be older than 3. She's the littlest thing, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes that look up at me curiously.

"Why did I die, Rizzo?" She curls the curly bangs around her finger and looks at me curiously.

"Wh-wh-who are you?!" I scramble up, banging my head off the headboard.

When I look at my clock, it says, in big numbers, 12:34.

"I told you last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. You wouldn't respond in your dreams, so I had to find you here."

"Wh-what the hell are you talking about?!"

She blinks a tear out of her huge brown eyes and looks down at her tiny feet.

"WHO ARE YOU?"

"My name is Kat," she says, clearly crying now.

"I don't know you at all… I've never seen you before… Why do you keep coming here?!"

She longingly reaches out a hand, and it floats right through my head.

"I never got to know you either. I wanted to, but Mommy wouldn't let me."

"You… You're a ghost child!" I bark at her, "I don't know why you picked ME to haunt, but I don't want you!"

She lets out a wail, collapsing on the bed and floating above the matress.

All I can do is watch. I feel sick.

"Why did you do it?" she sobs, "Why did you do it, Rizzo?"

I clench my fists, "What did I do!?"

She looks up at me through a crack in her fingers, cheeks stained with tears.

"Do you know who I am, Rizzo? Think long and hard before you answer."

I bury my head in my arms and think as hard as I can.

Finally, I hear the ghost girl ask in the smallest voice, "Why did you let us die, Rizzo?"

"You… You can't be…" My voice cracks. Damn it.

I feel sick to my stomach, tears spilling out of my eyes.

"Why did you let us die, Rizzo?" she asks again. "Mom said that we could've lived."

I swallow hard, "You could've. I'd be the one dead and you'd be alive." I get on my knees and crawl across the bed to my unborn sister.

"Why did you let us die?" she asks again, looking up at me.

"I…. I…." fresh tears make their way down my cheeks.

She waits, looking up at me curiously.

"Because I was mad." It's the only thing I can think of.

"Why were you mad? Why were you mad enough to let us die?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, "You wouldn't understand."

"Why were you mad enough to let us die?"

I bury my head in a pillow, "Leave me alone! Go away and never come back!"

I can feel it when she comes near. Her presence makes me shiver with cold.

"Please answer my question so I can rest in peace."

I can't even answer it for myself. I promised myself I would leave my past behind forever, and I don't break promises.

I throw a pillow at the specter, but it flies right through her and she looks miserably at me.

The pillow hits the wall with a thump.

"Rizzo, why did you let me die? Mom said you love us very much, but yet…. You let me die."

I clench my teeth, miserably screaming into my pillow.

Suddenly, the door cracks open and my ghost sister disappears.

"Riz, you OK?"

Jax, peeks in the door.

"Yesgoaway," I mutter into my pillow.

"Nightmares?"

I sigh. I'll sound insane if I tell the truth. "Yes."

"I'm sorry. I still dream about it, too." He's just trying to help, but I don't want him to. I pick up another pillow and wail it at Jack, who quickly slams the door shut before it can hit his face.

I look at the clock. 1:01.

"You haven't answered me!" Kat wails miserably, "Why did you let us die?"

I scream into my pillow, "BECAUSE I WAS JUST BEING SELFISH, OK!? I WAS AND AM A TERRIBLE PERSON AND THERE'S NOT A THING YOU CAN SAY TO MAKE IT BETTER!"

I look up, in case she's preparing to take my soul to hell or something.

Tears stream down her face, "Mommy says it's your fault we died…. But I don't want to believe that."

"Well believe it, kid. It's true. It really is my fault."

She blinks tears away. "I was really hoping it wasn't true…."

"Well it is!" I say forcefully, "So leave me alone!"

I bury my head in my pillow and close my eyes to make it look like I'm sleeping. And I hear whimpers coming from my baby sister Kat.

When I open my eyes to look, I see her curled up against me, in a tiny ball, whimpering until she sleeps and snores softly.

I feel like if I stir, I would disturb her. But she hovers ever-so-slightly above the bed, and that reminds me that she's dead and there's no disturbing her any longer.

Hands shaking, I put my fingertips right through her abdomen and shiver. But, somehow, I close my eyes and get to sleep. Kat is there in my dream, too. She stands, floating over a dark, endless pit. She holds out her hand to me and I hesitantly reach out.

Her touch is cold, but solid. Her face is almost flushed, but still very pale, like the ghost I saw.

She squeezes my hands in hers and looks up at me with her sad brown eyes, the same brown eyes I have.

She blinks slowly, as if she's studying my face to remember every little detail.

"Rizzo… Please don't blame yourself. Please."

I try to make myself speak, but she continues, "Will you please smile for me, Rizzo? I want to remember it, so if I ever feel lonely, I can see it."

I hate to do it, but I slowly make myself smile for her. She studies every detail of it. "I don't think you'll be smiling a lot anymore. But I really like it when you do."

I look back at her with sad eyes. "You're right about that."

She nods miserably. "Think of us, when you get the chance. Won't you, please?"

"I…I can't."

"You have to… Please… For me…?"

"I can't stand to relive the past."

"But I don't blame it on you, Riz."

I heave a sigh. "I'll try to think of you. But it won't be easy."

"That's all I ask."

"If I let go… Will I fall?"

"You will. Then I think you'll wake up and forget about me."

I squeeze her hands.

I have to be a man about this. After all, my problems will never be solved if I spend all my time running from them. I can't keep being scared of the past… I just have to learn from it. I can go running into battle easily, can't I? I can charge straight into a District full of Peacekeepers and shoot, right? And that's exactly how I need to treat this.

"Please don't feel bad, Big Brother… I'm in a happier place," she says, finally breaking the silence between us. I slowly close my eyes, "I'll try not to."

"And, don't forget your roots, either," she says, "Mom told me to tell you that."

I nod slowly, "I promise I'll never forget where I came from."

Because, if I forget what I went through, I just might repeat it.

Kat uses my hands as supports to lift herself up and gently kiss my cheek. "I love you, Rizzo."

"I… I love you… Too…"

And just like that, she flies away with the wind, as if she was a pile of sand and the breeze was carrying her away.

My alarm clock wakes me up.

Jax sticks his head in the door, "The new recruits are here and ready for Physical Training, Rizzo. Starts today at 6:30 in the morning."

I smile slightly, "Got it. Meet you out there for an early breakfast."

Jax disappears, and I blink.

Then, I put two and two together. Kat had just been a dream all along. I felt so dream-like seeing her in my bedroom that I know it's true. Besides, spirits aren't real, anyways.

Trust me, the fact that it was all just a twisted little dream makes me feel bittersweet. I'm a little glad, but also a little regretful that I didn't actually get to tell them all I'm sorry.

I wash my face and get dressed, ready to boss around some new recruits at Physical Training, or, as I call it, Pain and Torture.

I frown at my feet. It was all a cruel little dream.

The whole conversation with Jax, the pillow-throwing, my sister… All a trick.

Or, at least, I think.

But I suddenly stumble across not one but TWO pillows and hear the tiniest hiccup of a giggle and start to doubt myself.