Aftermath

Breathlessly they part from each other.

Olivia remains silent, as she struggles to make sense of what's just transpired between them. For her whole being is overwhelmed with sensation and emotion; a mixture of love, happiness, hope but also fear and doubt. Fear, for the very simple reason she doesn't know what to expect next. This was not supposed to happen; it wasn't planed, or expected, especially when you consider that a discussion about their relationship has not been touched upon since she's been back. And she came back five months ago. If anything she had convinced herself that Fitz was not interested in her like that anymore… but his actions just now told a whole other story. Physically he still wanted her, craved and desired her, that much was certain, however where he stood emotionally, unlike her, he was still an enigma. For the sex had a certain edge to it, it was ardent and desperate, bordering on frantic; nothing like what they had shared in the past-it was like a race to reconnect and bring themselves and each other to completion, and although she enjoyed it and found pleasure in the act, she now feels very vulnerable and unsure of it all.

If only she could be certain as to where his heart stood on the matter.

Not knowing what to say, he too keeps quiet.

He can no longer deny his feelings for her, but yet despite what has just taken place, he still can't bring forth the words to express how he really feels. Not yet. Whereas he knows that he never held back physically; showing her with his body just how much he wanted her, he is also acutely aware that he tried his best to hold back emotionally, not quite willing to make himself completely vulnerable to her. However, he knows exactly how she feels about him, because there was no hiding from her emotions; she still loved him.

Honestly, he had suspected it for a while now.

Upon reflection, he is ashamed that he has allowed this to happen, or that he himself could lose control so easily… For one, a lot has been left unsaid between them, which should have really been discussed LONG before any of this could develop and transpire. Adding sex to the equation has only made this complex situation even more complicated.

He looks over at her, her chest still rising and falling in the aftermath of their feverish exchange and like him, also deep in thought. Still unsure of what he should say himself; although knowing he should say something to address what's happened, he calls her by her pet name... "Livvie?"

Her heart skips a beat. She can't remember the last time he called her that... Hesitantly, because her nerves are all over the place, she slowly turns her head and looks at him, and he is immediately confronted with an immense fear and anxiety resounding in her eyes… And to be honest it throws him. "Liv, I'm… I'm sorry…" is all he manages instead.

Hearing him say sorry, it's almost too much to bare. She bites her lip, fighting back the tears threatening to spill… "I know, I should have stopped it… you were ill, still are... I… I better go…" However he reaches out, stopping her from getting up… "No, don't go… I don't mean it like that, it's just... we need to discuss this…"

She pauses. "Fine, but not here… I can't, it's too…" She finds it hard to express the words, although he understands completely and he allows her to briefly escape to the bathroom, as he slips on his dressing gown and heads into the living room. A few minutes later she joins him on the sofa.

He is the first to speak up… "Olivia what happened tonight should not have happened, but I let the events of the day overshadow my judgement… You had been so selfless in your actions from the moment you got here, dropping everything to look after me and Josh, that when I woke and saw you there lying next to me… I was so overcome with emotion and gratitude that I couldn't help but be drawn to you; it was so familiar too… I… Olivia it's been so long…" he tells her honestly.

She nods, knowing all too well what he means by that… She hasn't been with anyone else since she left either.

"We've not really discussed our relationship and I know that's partly down to me… but clearly this is something we can no longer ignore… At the end of the day we need to set some things straight, because the last thing I want is for our relationship to jeopardise the relationship you have developed with Josh- it's too important!"

"I totally agree… Joshua will always come first, but I need to know Fitz… I need to know how you feel about me, about us, because honestly, I don't know… Tonight was a mistake, I agree, we should have talked first, there is so much that I haven't had the chance to say or express. And although I know that you have forgiven me for Joshua's sake, I have real doubts as to whether you have truly forgiven me for what I've done to you… When it comes to you and me, I do not know where you stand…"

"And what about you, you kept so much from me when we were together, how can I ever be sure of your intentions?"

"I know I deceived you… I know I did you wrong, but I was sick Fitz, I wasn't myself… but I hope you can believe me when I say, that despite it all I never stopped loving you, even now!"

There she finally said it… Even faced with the uncertainty of his feelings it's like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Considering what they shared just moments ago, she feels she has nothing more to lose.

Serious as a judge. "And what if don't feel the same?" He knows he's playing devil's advocate and that by doing so he's also deflecting from his own truth, but at the same time he refuses to let his guard down until he is absolutely certain of the depths of her feelings.

She gulps… "Even if you don't feel the same, it doesn't change how I feel about you, I love you Fitz… If not, I wouldn't have let it go as far as it did."

She's telling him the truth. He knew it from the moment she woke up and locked eyes with him, only now she had voiced it loud and clear and with conviction too. God help him now… Because where they go from here, would inevitably rest on his decision. Was he really capable of trusting her and letting her back in again?

He begins. "Since you've been back, although it's been difficult, I too have had to face up to my responsibilities in this situation. It's true, I buried my head in the sand, ignoring all the signs that you were struggling and falling apart… And for that, I ended up paying the ultimate price for my actions, by losing you… But it was easier to spend the last two years blaming you, hating you for leaving me and Josh… I know now that I was wrong for doing that, however, the grief I felt in losing you; there was no room for self-evaluation or blame. Then, out of no-where, having given up all hope of ever seeing you again, of having you back in our lives-you turn up and throw a whole spanner in the works. And to be honest I resented you for that, I was so angry…"

"I know."

"No Olivia, I don't think you do… I was so hurt; that when you came back all I wanted to do was transfer all that hurt onto you… Only to find that you had done a good enough job of that yourself… The things you'd been through, I… I can't imagine what that was like for you… It makes me sick thinking of you in that place, alone, struggling to come to terms with your demons. That in a way, it makes me angry for all different reasons, mainly because I couldn't be the one to help you through it."

"I felt like a failure Fitz, unworthy of your help…"

"I understand that, but that doesn't make me feel any less inadequate, I was your husband, and yet I couldn't do anything to help you…"

"But you're wrong Fitz, because in the last five months you have helped me more than you can EVER imagine by letting me have Josh back in my life, and I in his…"

He lets her words settle in, before admitting… "In the beginning, I believed he was all you came back for…"

"He was," she confesses, but then adds with a catch… "Only because I didn't dare hope for more; I didn't dare hope for you…"

Chocked up, he takes a deep breath to regain his composure… She's said enough, and he conscience of the fact that he's maybe said too little... But he has come to a decision, but only on one condition; he has to be sure… "Earlier, you said there are still things that you need to say to me, and I know that you've just told me that you love me… but is it just that? Is that everything out in the open now? Because if I decide to do this with you; to explore us again, then I want to do it knowing that there are no more secrets between us Olivia… I want to be able to trust you openly and have faith that you will always be honest with me, and at all times, no matter if it's good or bad…"

Her heart begins to race, now faced with a decision that may either make or break her...

"Olivia?"

She needs to hear him say it first... "Tell me, do you love me Fitz?" She's crying now, realising the weight of his response holds the very key to the strength and courage she will need to be completely honest with him and finally reveal the secret that she's kept hidden all this time...

Putting his heart on the line, finally ready to take the plunge, and let go of all his reservations and fears, he replies emotionally… "Yes Olivia, I do... I still love you, and probably always will."