Confession

He loves her. After all the hell she's put him through she never thought she'd see the day again, when Fitzgerald Grant would tell her that he loved her. A part of her wants to rejoice, to fall to her knees and thank the heavens above for granting her this precious second chance, but she is so mindful of the fact that this happiness may be short lived that she remains reserved in her response…

She has to tell him now, she has no other choice. Sure, it would be a lot easier to take the coward's way out- to refrain from saying anything, or even make up some half-baked alternative to curb any suspicions, but if her personal experience has taught her anything, it would be that deeds such as these never remained in the dark. And if she wants to stand a real chance of making it as a family, with both Fitz and Joshua then she has to be honest with him, because a relationship built upon lies only had one thing in store, and it was far from pretty.

But she is petrified, because once this secret is revealed, in essence, she will be stripped bare, leaving herself defenceless and entirely at Fitz's mercy. But at least now, with the knowledge of his feelings, she can pray that his love for her will help to give him a greater understanding into the difficult decision she had made.

Resolve firm, although laced with a number of doubts, she takes Fitz's hand in her hers and squeezes it gently, before slowly looking up and levelling him with her eyes…

He can sense this is something big... "Olivia?"

"Fitz, I love you, and hearing you say that you feel the same, well I… I can't begin to explain what that means to me, but whereas my heart is full of joy, my head knows it means nothing unless I have your full forgiveness…"

"Olivia, I know you don't believe me, but in a way, I forgave you a long time ago…"

She nods, "For walking away, maybe… but not for what I'm about to tell you…"

His expression is now one of confusion, hers of fear… "I want you to know that telling you this will not be easy for me… because honestly it brings back memories that I would rather suppress than face; because it's just too painful…"

He doesn't like the sound of this at all… "Olivia what is it?"

Unable to hold back, she starts to cry, as she prepares to confess all… "As you know, after I left I was a complete and utter wreck… I had lost my entire world, therefore I had very little to live for- At first I attempted to bludgeon my pain with alcohol, but that never really worked… If anything, it made me feel worse. To say that my head was not in a good place, would have been an understatement, I mean, how could it be when thoughts of hurting myself, killing myself, gave me a warped sense of comfort... It was a very bleak time for me, during which I grew extremely weary, I could barely get out of bed. Some days the level of exhaustion I experienced, had even prevented me from feeding myself… I chalked it down to depression at first, and of course a huge element of it was depression, but as the days rolled into weeks I found I was becoming increasingly lethargic, and then all of a sudden I started to get sick-constantly throwing up, try as I might, I couldn't keep anything down... And although it had taken me a while to register it, I guess at that point I could no longer deny what was happening to me…"

Putting the pieces of the puzzle together himself, he gasps in disbelieve... "Oh my God, you... you were pregnant?"

"Yes…" She reveals solemnly, unable to quell the tears that are spilling down her cheeks… "Eight weeks."

He is visibly struggling to get his head around the notion, and what this news could possibly mean for them now. The fact that she had not returned with a baby in tow, could only mean one thing… but he has to know for certain… "Whha… What happened Olivia?"

Streaming in tears, she shakes her head from side to side, unable to release the guilty words from her lips. In fear that they would surely destroy everything...

She can barely look at him.

"No Liv… NO don't, you can't mean…?"

With her head lay low, she replies gut wrenchingly... "I'm so sorry…"

"Olivia please, please tell me you didn't do what I think you did…"

Eventually and brokenly she weeps… "I wish I could, but I can't…"

His heart shatters… "You had a termination?" It's more of a statement than a question, for he already knows the answer and feels sick to the stomach at just the thought of it.

"I'm so sorry Fitz…" She manages, knowing the words sound so inadequate, yet what else can she say? For she is sorry, and has been sorry ever since the day she aborted their baby.

Fitz finds himself momentarily speechless, utterly torn by her revelation… The husband and father in him is excruciatingly saddened and hurt by her actions, not to mention the fact that with regards to their baby's fate, she never even gave him the chance to have his say… But then conversely, the doctor in him he can't help but consider the fragile state she was in when she had walked out, and he can only imagine how the news of another pregnancy would have toiled with her sanity; the sheer terror she must have faced at the prospect of having another baby, after all that happened with Josh. And then he looks at her now, utterly broken before him, and he realises that if the recollection of her actions could still bring forth this level of distress- two years down the line, then he also knows that her decision to have a termination back then must have absolutely killed her inside. And although he is clearly struggling with the news himself; wishing she had turned to him for support instead of choosing to face this alone; witnessing her anguish now simply breaks his heart.

Briefly pushing his feelings aside; the need to console her completely takes over… Wordlessly, he moves closer to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace… As soon as her face presses against his chest she is wracked with sobs, as she openly cries for the baby whose life will never come to pass.

"Sssh, it's going to be okay Olivia…" He whispers to her gently, inbetween his own tears. And there's no sign of malice or ill-will underlying in his tone only that of comfort and concern and it completely undoes her… "I didn't know what else to do; I was so scared". She cries, clinging on to him as if afraid to let go.

He holds her tighter, feeling her need for security; she's afraid of losing him… "I understand Olivia, I do… it couldn't have been easy for you… I just wish you told me… maybe we could have…" he trails off, recognising that there is little point in dwelling on what has past, this was not something you could take back… Olivia had tortured herself enough in the face of her decision, he wasn't about to add to it by offering up possible alternatives to her solution… It would only hurt her more.

As she continues to sob, as he continues to hold her, he suddenly thinks back to the passage he found highlighted in her Bible; it was all making sense now; the words no longer leaving him puzzled or bewildered, but instead they now offer him a sense comfort; in which he is sure she too has drawn from, in her moments of grief.

"Do you hate me now?" She whispers into his chest, afraid to look him in the eye, and meet the condemnation she is bound to find there.

"Look at me Livvie…" He directs her gently, lifting her chin and tilting her head upwards… "I don't hate you, it was an impossible choice to make, but considering the situation at the time, I know you felt you were doing the right thing and I get that…"

"So, does that mean you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive Olivia…"

"How can you say that, after what I did?"

"Because I know you didn't do this out of spite or with the wrong intentions... I can see the pain this has caused you, in fact it's so tangible I can almost feel it, as if I'm reliving the whole thing with you… And honestly, knowing what you had to endure, whilst I try to process what the loss of this child means to me too... Liv, I would be lying if I said it wasn't tearing me up inside, because it is, I'm absolutely devastated... But it's not my forgivenesses that you need right now, if anything what you need is to forgive yourself."

Lip trembling... "But what if I can't?"

He strokes her cheek and through his own red ringed eyes, he stares down at her lovingly… "Then I will have to I will spend every day of our lives together convincing you otherwise".

She can barely comprehend it… "You mean, you still want us to try again?

Despite his own sadness and grief, he smiles at her softly… "This doesn't change anything Olivia, I love you and somehow we will get through this together."