A/N: I'm sorry Satin! I'm sorry Jethro and Gabriel! I'm sorry Averi! I'm not sorry yet but I will be next chapter Jesse! I'm sorry Olive! AND I'M SORRY CAM! That is all.
Tarrah's POV
My name is Tarrah Cooper-Hoffsteader. I live in District Three with my parents, Tanner and Ben, who are both revolution heroes.
I like my life a lot. It's cozy.
We live in District 3 in a big house.
My Dad Tanner Cooper is from District 3. He is sweet and has bright blue eyes. Tanner loves everyone and everything, especially us. He braids Molly's hair every day, and he braids mine, too.
My other Dad is named Benjamin Hoffsteader. We all call him Benny, and he tells us not to but Tanner says that he secretly likes it so that's what we call him. He has olive green eyes and brown hair. He's from District 11.
Our Dads like to hug a lot and they both love each other and us more than life itself. They often tell us revolution stories and love to spend time with us.
Sundays, we spend the afternoon together outside, or sometimes inside, and play games. Monday after school, Benny makes celery sticks with peanut butter for us and we sit at the table and talk. Tuesday, we all eat pizza together in the living room. Wednesday is a busy night. I have my flute lesson, Logan has soccer, Jay has lacrosse, and Molly has gymnastics, but we always get together and watch a TV episode before bed. Thursdays, Jay usually has lots of homework and studying, but Tanner helps Molly and Logan study for spelling tests that they have on Fridays, and we all help Jay with his history and science and me with math.. Fridays, we all come home from school and watch a movie or even just television together. Then we have dinner together and read a story before bed. Saturday is my favorite: game night. We take turns picking a game to play and sit on the living room carpet in front of the fireplace. Yes, our family is quite cozy. Quite cozy indeed.
Our best family friends are the Campbell family. Siren is the oldest. She loves to sing and we love to listen.
Apollo is next. He's funny and cracks a lot of jokes. And he's really nice, and loves to play sports and race with us.
Harmony is the youngest. She's adorable.
And my favorite Campbell is Tenor Campbell. He's the third oldest, 16, and he's adorable. Tenor has shaggy hair and adorable swampy eyes that you giggle when you glance at.
He's besties with my brother Jay, and they do almost everything together.
Tenor loves to tell stories to my sister Molly and me. And we love to listen to them.
The heroes of Greek mythology are only interesting when Tenor's voice tells us about them. Because, let's face it, these things were written hundreds of thousands of years ago. They're REALLY old.
And I don't get to talk to Tenor a lot anymore, but I still love him to death. Molly, too.
Anyways, it's just another Saturday and our family has a game night.
Jay is the oldest of the four kids.
I'm next, then Logan, and Molly is the youngest.
We all sit on the floor of the living room. I lean up against Ben and rest my head on his shoulder. Logan sits on his other side.
Molly sits next to Tanner and grins. Both Dads invite Jay to sit with them but today he sits by himself.
Something is really not right with him. Lately, he and Ten have been fighting. It's sad, because I love Tenor and he hasn't been talking to any of us lately.
"Jay," Dad whispers softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, "You feeling alright?"
"Nah," my older brother confesses, "This whole fight thing is just bothering me…"
"Don't worry," Dad says, olive green eyes looking heavy, "You can talk to him in school on Monday."
"Yeah," Jay says, "Yeah, I will... But… Do you mind if maybe I skip game night tonight?"
"You're sure?" Logan asks, looking over.
Jay nods.
"We can have it on Monday," Tanner whispers softly, soft blue eyes flickering with gentle concern.
Jay smiles as big as he can, before standing up and walking upstairs to his room. Logan soon follows.
"Daddies, is Jay gonna be Ok?" Molly asks, looking from Dad to Dad.
"Jay will be just fine," Tanner says, standing up. Benny stands up with him.
"Tarrah, why don't you and Molly go upstairs and have a tea party?" Benny whispers. I nod, taking Molly's hand. "Come on," I whisper.
I'm 15, Molly's 5, Logan's 11, and Jay is 16.
I take Molly upstairs and sit at a tiny table with her.
"Ok Princess Molly!" I say, trying to sound cheerful, "Would you like some tea?"
She looks at me, brown eyes sparkling, "Will Jay be Ok?" she asks.
"He'll be great," I reassure her, "Just give it time."
My little sister nods but doesn't put the plastic tea-cup to her lips.
"Will Tenny be Ok?"
I smile, "He'll be fine. I promise."
She nods. Then she stands up and walks over to her dresser, opening a drawer.
"Molls?" I whisper, "You Ok?"
She nods, taking out a notepad and a red crayon.
"What're you writing?" I ask, looking over my sister.
She draws a stocky person with a huge smile on.
"Tarrah, will you dot out letters for me so I can write 'em right?"
I smile, "Sure, Molly. What do you want it to say?"
"I love you Tenny. I wanna make 'em really neat."
I smile, drawing dashes for her to trace the letters.
Molly takes the crayon from me with a smile. "Thank you," she says with a grin.
"You're welcome!" I say, patting her head.
She gets to work, tongue at a corner of her mouth, working hard to connect my dashes with amazing diligence.
I smile proudly at my little sister. I love her so much.
She gets done with her drawing and folds it up neatly.
"Now we'll make one for Jay," Molly says, picking a blue crayon from the box and ripping out a new piece of paper.
She draws another figure with a smile and then starts to write chalkily: I love you Jay.
I look over her shoulder, watching her construct the letters.
"Those look very nice, Molly," I praise her. She beams, "Thank you, Tarrah!"
"You're welcome!" I laugh. She folds up Jay's note and jumps up. "We have to deliver this!" she says with a smile.
"Ok…" I say, slightly hesitant, but stand up with her.
Together we walk downstairs to Jay's room and slip the note under his door. Then we walk back up together when we hear Tanner talking on the phone.
"Yeah, Theo! That's so cool! Molly is actually in gymnastics now!"
He pauses and then his eyes widen slightly. "Theo…. Theo!?"
He looks around the room, "Theo!? Theo are you Ok?"
Then he jumps up and drops the phone.
"Ben!" he shouts, putting shoes on faster than I've ever seen him, "Ben, come on!"
"Tan, what's wrong?!" he asks, shocked and confused.
"Come on! We have to go! I'll tell you on the way."
Benny's face takes on a sad and confused look as he throws on shoes. Our Dads run out the door together and I look on in shock.
"Where are they going!?" Molly asks, looking scared.
"It's… It's… Probably… It's…" I try to think of something. But we all know that Tanner never gets scared, and he doesn't get sad very easily. And he never NEVER calls Dad Ben, unless something is serious.
"Is everyone gonna be OK?" Molly asks.
I frown, "Yeah. Yeah, they are."
Jay bursts out of his bedroom, "What happened!?"
This scares Molly and she hugs me tightly, burying her face in my side.
"Sorry, sorry," Jay says quickly and quietly, "I shouldn't have spooked you…"
"S'fine," I whisper, hugging Molly.
"What happened!?" Jay asks, seriously, "Tell me what happened."
"Dad was on the phone with Theo… And he jumped up and ran away."
Molly buries her face, tears starting to jump out of her eyes.
My brother swears.
Logan runs downstairs as well, "Guys, is everything Ok!?"
"Fine," Jay says sternly, but I don't think he means it.
"Jay!" I snap at him, "Don't scare them!"
Then I take Molly's hand, "Come on, Molls. We'll all be just fine."
By the time our Dad's get home, it's about 9:30.
"Kids," Tanner says gently but sadly, "We have to talk." He sniffles.
"What's wrong!?" Jay asks, "What's going on!?"
"It's about your friend," Ben says, with teary eyes, "Tenor."
"WHAT HAPPENED TO TENOR!?" Jay asks, already on the verge of tears himself.
I watch, holding Molly's hand tightly and preparing myself for the worst.
But nothing I could've prepared will prepare to the news that comes out of Ben's mouth. "He's dead."
At first the news is shocking. All four of us just stand there with our mouths hanging open.
Tanner takes Molly and Logan by the hands. "Come on you two," he whispers, "I'll get you both to bed and we can talk."
The three of them walk upstairs, leaving Jay and I with Ben.
"What happened?!" I finally ask loudly. "What happened to Tenor!?"
Ben gets off the chair he was sitting on to kneel on the floor across from us.
"Listen closely."
"What happened to Tenor!?" Jay says, "Tell me what happened!"
Ben whispers, "Guys… I know it's a lot of news to deal with, but we'll survive together." He says it so quietly that we can barely hear, in a deep, quivering voice, "Tarrah…Jay…This afternoon, Tenor committed suicide."
The news hurts. It hurts me in a very deep place. I look over to Jay, who has his face buried in his hands.
I can't take it anymore. I run to the kitchen and take out a knife and take off to my room.
"Tarrah!" Ben screams as I run upstairs.
"TARRAH NO!" Jay screams after me.
I don't care anymore. I slam the door shut and lock it.
I trace a treble clef on the skin of my wrist, lightly enough that I don't open any wounds. The next time, however, I draw it with crimson.
I'm only 15, not old enough to get a tattoo, not old enough to do anything to remember Tenor but this.
I'll have to live with the scars. It's nothing compared to the pain he must've felt in life.
"I'm so sorry, Tenor," I whisper, tears filling my voice, "I should've said something… Done something… To show you how much I love you…"
I shakily transfer the knife to my left hand and slowly trace a bass clef on my other hand. Then I trace over it, blood pouring out of the wound.
"TARRAH PLEASE!" Jay screams, pounding on my door, "PLEASE!"
My wrists gradually ease their stinging. Jay keeps pounding on the door, "PLEASE STOP! TARRAH, PLEASE LET ME IN AND LISTEN TO ME!"
"GO AWAY! I'm done with the knife anyways!" I yell, still crying.
He continues to pound on the door and I finally open the door, placing the knife handle in his palm.
He puts it on the ground and tackles me in a sad hug. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tightly, burying my face.
"Tarrah… Listen to me… Please."
I nod into his shoulder, doing everything in my power not to sob.
"Tenor was unhappy. He felt unloved. But it's not your fault. You did everything you could, Tarrah. You didn't see him a lot but when you did you let him know how much he loved him. Tarrah… None of this is your problem." He takes my forearms in his strong hands and looks at the injuries.
"You drew!?" he asks, tears pouring from his eyes.
I nod sadly, "I can't help it, Jay! I feel like shit about this whole thing!" I sob.
"Tarrah, it's not your fault. It's not! It's…It's mine."
"Jay, it's not your fault, either. You were going to talk to him… You loved him and he knew that. It's not your fault, I promise."
He hugs me tightly and doesn't respond. He just cries.
Tenor's funeral kills me.
I think it kills all of us.
Siren is destroyed.
Harmony sobs.
And Apollo doesn't talk to anyone.
Harmony tackles me, sobbing.
She buries her head in my stomach. I can't find any words to say to her.
Tanner hugs Siren and whispers, "You were so brave. Siren… You're being so so brave."
She sobs loudly.
Ben holds Mrs. Campbell and she buries her head.
Molly runs over to Mr. Campbell and hugs his legs sadly. He picks up my little sister.
Logan walks over to Apollo and whispers to him but Apollo doesn't look up.
Jay walks over and tries to help.
The Hollenbeck-Youngs walk in first, and Siren runs to Peregrine and tackles her. Damon and Mona look sad.
Mona hugs Jay first. We all know the two have been flirting back and forth for months but now she fights tears at seeing him cry.
Damon picks up Molly and puts her on his shoulders.
Molly buries her face in his dirty-blonde hair and sobs. Damon frowns, a tear rolling down his cheek.
The Theramins are all sad. There are three kids, two adults in the family.
Miss Rudi (as she likes to be called) walks over to Theo. "Listen to me, Campbell."
Mr. Campbell tries to focus on her eyes but tears flow down his face.
"Listen. Learn from this. But it's not your fault. It's not your fault." She takes him in a hug.
Mr. Rizzo gets on a knee and whispers, "Apollo… Look up at me, please?"
Jay looks over sadly. All of us have tried to get him to say something to us besides-
"No," Apollo says.
"Apollo?"
"No!" he yells, turning away.
Rizzo stands up sadly.
Tessa hugs Jay and buries her face in his chest. Her dark hair is pulled back in its usual ponytail, but today she has painting on her cheek of a music note and a pen.
Bryant, the youngest Theramin child, walks over to Harmony and wraps his arms around her. She buries her face and I know that there is no way we'll be able to separate them.
Anchor walks over to me.
"Hey kiddo," she whispers.
"Hi," I whisper back, quivering from tears.
"How're you holding up?"
"Awful," I squeak.
She takes me into a hug and I feel a little better.
"Things'll get better from here," she whispers, "That's a guarantee."
"Thanks," I whisper, hugging her.
Mr. and Mrs. Haggerman slowly walk in next, and Santana squeezes the living daylights out of Athena in a hug.
Geno walks over to Apollo and whispers softly to him, but Apollo just keeps shaking his head.
Jett hugs Siren tightly, while Roxanne talks to Jay and Mona.
Jack, Tarrick, and the orphans are the last to come.
Flora's face is red, tears cover her whole face and the moment she steps in she runs to Siren, "I can't believe Tenor's dead!" she sobs, "After all that he's been through…"
"I know," Siren mumbles, "I know…"
Magenta walks in slowly after her and walks over to Apollo, holding out her arms for a hug.
"Hug me!?" she asks.
"No!" Apollo says.
Magenta takes back a hand and slaps him across the face. "Snap outta it!" she screams.
He blinks, seeming to pop back into reality. Then he throws his arms around her.
Gunner throws his arms around my neck and I hug him back sadly.
He runs a hand down my back and whispers, "Tarrah… I am so sorry…"
I cry into his chest.
After a while, he lets go of me, taking both of my hands in his.
"Tarrah…." His gaze slowly floats down to my now-exposed wrists.
"What have you done?!" he whispers to me before pulling me into another hug.
"It's no big deal, really," I whisper. Gunner's lips brush against my ear: I'm not sure if it was purposeful or an accident: but he whispers quietly, "Tarrah… You're beautiful. Please… Take care of yourself."
I keep my eyes focused on the floor, humiliated that he would see me like that.
"Ok," I squeak. After a little while longer of hugging, Gunner lets me go and gives me a nod. Then he meets Harmony with open arms. Bryant stays near.
I'm glad that Ingrid is there. Finally, someone my age that I can talk to.
"Tarrah, I'm so sorry!" she says, running over and hugging me.
I hug Ingrid and cry into her shoulder.
As soon as I let go Flora is there to give me a hug.
"Oh, Tarrah! My little baby!"
She buries her head in the crook of my neck and sobs.
"I wish I could've told Tenor that we all loved him…" she whispers. "He looked so happy 7th period… But I never got to tell him how much I love him! How much we all love him!"
I hug my orphanage friend and cry quietly.
Flora kisses the top of my head sadly and squeaks, hugging Mr. Campbell.
"Hey Tarrah," Antasma whispers.
"Hi Tassie," I whisper with an attempt at a smile that fails miserably.
We exchange a quick hug and I hug Asher and Millicent as well.
I look over to Apollo to see him hugging Anchor and silently crying.
"Hi Tarrah," a voice says from behind.
I whirl around, startled.
"Dexter!" I squeak, "You know I get startled easily!"
He tries a smile and I try to smile back.
"Hey, don't cry…. It'll be Ok, don't-"
But I hug him around the stomach and cry into his chest anyways.
"This's gotta be torturous," he whispers, hugging me back awkward.
"Sure is," I agree sadly.
"Tarrah… You really are being strong. So strong."
"Th-thanks," I stutter with a sniffle.
"You are," he says.
I swipe the glasses off his face and slide them on my face.
"Hey!" he says, blinking and looking around. The huge glasses blur my vision from every which way.
"Very funny," he says, "But I'm gonna need 'em back."
"I know," I sniffle, giving the black glasses back to him.
"Keep fighting," he says, "Keep being strong." I nod. His hazel eyes fly down to my wrist-area and then fly back up to mine.
"And please…"
"Dex, please don't give me that speech. I got it from Gunner and Jay already."
"Fine. I-I won't. But we all love you, Tarrah. So much."
Dexter whispers in my ear, "Especially Gunner. But you didn't hear it from me."
I smiles ever-so-slightly through tears. "Thanks Dex."
He kisses my cheek gently and gives me a nod. "You know we'll be here any time."
I nod, "Yeah, I know."
The service for Tenor is short. Mr. Campbell plays his saxophone and Siren sings.
That's when I finally lose it.
Ben holds a sleeping Molly and has his other arm around Tanner.
Jay and Mona hold hands. Jay keeps an arm around Logan from behind. Cyrus and Victoria comfort them.
Apollo kneels on the floor and buries his head in his knees. Flora kneels next to him, taking his hand and interlocking their fingers.
Peregrine and Dexter stand with Siren and she has her arms wrapped around their shoulders.
Mrs. Campbell stands with Miss Rudi and they both have tears in their eyes.
Magenta kneels on the other side of Apollo and takes his other hand.
I stand by myself with a tissue to my eyes.
Suddenly I feel someone hug me from behind.
Gunner's strong embrace calms me.
It will probably be the saddest thing I ever have to live through.
We all take turns making speeches for Tenor.
I pass on my turn. It just hurts way too much.
Mr. Campbell is the last to make his speech. The man looks awful.
He clears his throat, running an already-soaked hand across his cheeks.
"…I would be lying to you if I said I don't blame myself. I was an awful father. I didn't even realize it until now. Now… When it's too late… Now, when I've caused so much heartbreak to everyone surrounding me. Now I've caused the untimely demise of my very own flesh and blood. I was a terrible father. I realize that. I was too hard on Tenor… So, if you're going to blame anyone-"
His speech is interrupted, "BLAME ME!"
We all look over to Apollo.
Mr. Campbell looks stern and sad.
"Apollo-"
He finally gets off his knees and runs over to the microphone.
"Blame me. It was all my fault. All of it. Th…There are so many things… So many things that I should've done. That I didn't."
"We should've noticed!" Siren says, "We should've known-"
"Guys," Harmony whimpers.
"Blame me!" Jay says, blue eyes filling with tears. "It was all my fault!"
"YOU PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!" Apollo screams, microphone screeching.
"I was a terrible big brother. Awful. Useless. Pointless. Not worth a crap. And no matter what you people say I will never stop blaming myself. I blame myself! And you should all blame me too. Because there are so many things that I should've done that I didn't do. And that I'll never get to do. So stop blaming yourselves! It's pointless! Blame ME!"
Flora looks up, tears pouring out of her blue-gray eyes.
"Apollo, nobody's blaming you!" she whimpers.
"Apollo we all love you and we all know it's not your fault," Siren tries calmly.
"Yes it is!" he says. "So shut up about it! It's all me and I know it! And I want the blame on me!"
"Apollo, stop this!" Mr. Campbell says.
"There's nothing to stop!" he says.
"It's not your fault, Apollo," Roy says, "It's really really not!"
"He's right," Peregrine says.
Gunner rests his chin on the top of my head.
I put my hands on top of his.
"It's all my fault! I let the bullies pick on him… I thought they were just kidding around… I made jokes, I was the one that called him names, I'm the one that sent him into depression, I just know it!"
"Apollo-" I squeak but he tearily glares at me.
"Tenor's dead because of me. Ok!? So just accept it."
"For God's sakes, Apollo," Magenta says, standing up and walking on the stage.
"Magenta, stop-"
But she shoves him away from the microphone anyways.
"Listen. All of you. We all loved Tenor. We all cared about him. But Tenor was always so happy. He tricked us all, but he was really good at what he did. We can't be blaming ourselves. Because we all loved him. And if we could just talk to him one more time, I know we'd all have a crap-ton to say. But… We can't blame ourselves! Guys, it's nobody's fault! No matter who says what. We have to learn from this more than anything. So we need to stop pointing fingers: yes, even at ourselves: and learn a lesson. We can't let Tenor die for nothing. We have to learn from him. That everyone has a place in this world, and everyone is loved. Even… Even the only lonely orphan from the Capitol. Who's destined to live in an orphanage for the rest of her life." Tears spill out of her eyes, "No matter who you are… You're loved. So… Don't lose yourself. No matter how much you want to."
She gives a nod and steps down.
All of us applaud and Flora greets her with a hug.
Apollo steps down as well and sits back on the ground, crying into his knees.
She stands with Jack and Tarrick as Theo plays the last song to conclude the service.
All of us sing along softly and Gunner sways me back and forth. Magenta stays with Jack and Roy, hiding her face to disguise the tears.
"Amazing grace,
How sweet, The sound,
That saved, a wretch,
Like me…
I once… Was lost…
But now… I'm found…
Was blind, but now…
I see."