Disclaimer: "Detective Conan" belongs to Gosho Aoyama, and "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon" belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.
This is an alternative story to my other fanfic "Encounter in Venice" and one of the possibilities of what could have happened if Ai had taken the antidote before Shinichi brought down the Organization.
Thanks a lot to my friends and betas Rae (Astarael00) and SN1987a and the Aicoholics on LiveJournal, without whom I would never have started this fic.
FS
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Ghost at Twilight
(edited version)
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At the end of my life…
At the end of my life, one of my biggest regrets will be having forced Kudo to mix APAH in my apartment out of all places. While it might sound melodramatic to claim that the last hour was purgatory for both of us, it's not a gross exaggeration. Apart from his singing (which can put anyone except himself into a coma if only he does it long enough), his skill in mixing APAH—or the lack of it—is a weapon so deadly that even Gin's Beretta seems harmless in comparison.
"I've told you that I can't cook," he whines, evading a flame, which has just shot high into the ceiling. "It's absolutely not in my nature to prepare food."
Obeying my instincts, which have been sharpened by the constant danger of the last hour, I let go of the sponge to grab the fire extinguishing towel next to the sink and throw it over the burning pan while Kudo climbs on the bar counter to deactivate the smoke alarm so that my landlady won't suffer a heart attack. Resigning myself to the one truth that learning requires motivation, dedication, fighting spirit, and time—none of which either of us possesses in abundance at the moment—I decide to accept his lame excuse and admit that the catastrophe was partly my fault as well. Why should he learn something he fears and dislikes under pressure just because I, on a whim, suddenly feel compelled to withdraw my help? It's like forcing a five-year-old to clean its children's room on its own after doing it for him every day.
"And I told you that you only need thirty minutes in the morning to learn it. Ran and your parents have spoilt you rotten! Two years at Infinity would have done you good." In spite of my harsh words, I continue to scrub the counter with Seiya's air of insouciance, copying his masterly survival mechanism.
"Did they teach you self-discipline there?" Kudo, who has just opened the window to get rid of the smoke, darts me a curious look. It's the first time that I've mentioned Infinity to him without being pestered.
"They didn't. But if you didn't manage to meet their requirements, you were out. I'm doing the same to you now. Another hour of this and I'll end up murdering you and myself—slowly and painfully… with a syringe or with a spoon!"
"You've seen how I'm doing when I'm trying to mix it with your assistance!" Kudo retorts. "Now just try to imagine what happens when I'm trying to do it on my own…"
He has a point, I must concede. After all, I can't risk him to blow up the whole neighbourhood and kill Ran or Fusae-san in the process.
"Then tell your Ran-nee-chan to mix it for you!" I surrender, filling the last APAH capsules for him while he is mopping the floor with his usual proficiency. "I only need to make sure that you know the formula by heart. We're going to use mnemonics if you can't learn it by rote."
Kudo pauses in the middle of his movement and sighs, preparing himself for protesting against my suggestion.
"Any objections?" I grimly raise the spoon in my hand, knocking it threateningly against the counter. In my mood today, I'm not particularly averse to a fight. He won't win with any dirty tricks since yours truly—far-sighted as she is—has already saved her lavender rose by moving it to her bedside table.
"I think you've misunderstood what I said," he slowly begins. "Actually, what I meant…"
A mass of fast-moving clouds obscure the sun for a fleeting moment, dimming the golden light of the early afternoon. Seeing Kudo in the soft light with the mop in his hands, I'm overcome with a renewed sense of loss. The boundaries between Seiya and him begin to blur, as if they were the same lover in two alternative universes… The one that has managed to get through my defenses. The one that ultimately got away.
Perhaps the problem with me and my bygone loves is that they never really "get away". All of them are staying with me forever, hiding in the shady nooks of my mundane everyday life. It's impossible not to think of Gin whenever I see a black fedora in a display window or catch a whiff of tobacco, when I watch the snow falling silently in the dark or spot the gleam of a cigarette butt. While my memories of Kaito are pleasant and harmless, calling on me on sunny days and rainy nights in welcome reveries, my memories of Kudo and stranger-san are beautiful only in disguise, tormenting me with the mirror of my own inadequacies and my everlasting darkness…
So you were the seventh crow, weren't you? You said you supported Tenoh-san's group even though you weren't part of it. My voice was hopeful, almost urgent, as we were strolling past Tsukino-san's café with our fingers intertwined. Don't worry. I was a codename member myself. I don't mind if you once belonged to the Organization…
While I couldn't imagine Seiya to be the seventh crow, I almost wished that he was after the palaver his brothers caused. If Seiya had been the seventh crow—so I told myself—he and I would be linked by the same tragedy, would have fought on the same side with the same allies, and defeated the same enemy. We would have lied to each other about Kakyuu but our deceptions would have cancelled themselves out. Generous as he was, he would have been able to forgive me for an accident I didn't want to (and maybe didn't even) cause. Eventually, a stronger bond would have developed between us. Things would have been perfect if he had been the seventh crow!
No, of course I wasn't. Seiya blinked at me in genuine surprise. What are you talking about? Bewildered, he stopped at the bridge to look me in the eye. I thought Taiki has told you everything. Don't tell me he has only played a prank on you when he showed you our terrace! He smiled, shaking his head at my strange question. Apparently, he would have been greatly amused by the misunderstanding if he hadn't noticed that I wasn't feeling well.
Meanwhile, I recoiled in horror from the realization that he wasn't lying to me—and the truth, which I had feared but not dared to express, was creeping on me like a poisonous snake. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I recalled Taiki-san's story about Kakyuu and their parents and became aware of the fact that there was something I didn't comprehend—that my seemingly reasonable deduction was faulty because it was based on a mistaken assumption…
"Sorry, what did you just say?" I try in vain to focus when I notice Kudo's gaze linger on my face.
"Ah, forget it!" he sighs, lips pressed tightly together in pent-up frustration. "Since you obviously can't pay attention to anything I say at the moment, I'll tell you another time."
…This morning, when I was leaning against the closed front door, waiting for Seiya to leave, there was a moment of indecision, an intoxicating rush of unblinking determination to succeed against all odds. Torn between my desire to be happy and my wish to be good, I stood in front of the stairs and stared at the flower in my hand, wondering when my reckless mood would pass so that I could leave this unfortunate episode behind me. As the feeling didn't go away, I opened the door and stepped outside in a daze. I was telling myself that I might as well go through with this relationship until the sticky end—Pandora's Box, Tenoh Haruka, and Seiya's parents be damned!
Alas, luck was on Tenoh-san's side, as stranger-san had disappeared without a trace. The street was bustling with strangers but conspicuously lacked the one I wanted to see. After I left, he must have run from me as though he had been chased by the devil. Looking about myself in bewilderment, registering for the first time that the morning sun had climbed high and was now illuminating my surroundings with its cold, harsh light, I had the vague feeling that I had been on trial and failed the acid test this time.
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"Some loves are so destructive and cost you so much that they aren't worth it," Kudo asserts after we've cleaned up, and throws my cardigan at me. "I don't think staying indoors is good for you now. I still have a few hours before Ran's train arrives. Let's go for a walk in Ichinohashi Park together."
Relieved that he too, would like to delay work, I insist that he take the formula and the APAH bottle with him so that we don't need to return to my apartment again. After locking the door and tiptoeing out of the house for fear of meeting my landlady, we both dash into the street, turn left at the corner to take the bus at the intersection, and stared in shock at the vast sea of people in front of us.
"This is unbelievable!" I murmur before it hits me that I've lost my handbag and don't have any cash on me. We must go back, as I can't take the bus before I've fetched my card and withdrawn money from the bank, I admit, whereupon Kudo only rolls his eyes and tells me that, for once in my life, I can let him pay the fare.
"All right, that is if we manage to get to the station and on the bus without being trampled to death," I agree.
Now we're fighting our way through the crowded street thronged with shoppers, couples, mothers with prams, and young adults wearing Three Lights headbands and Three Lights shirts, throwing roses and singing drunken songs even though it's still early in the afternoon. Everywhere I look, I can see street vendors selling Three Lights playing cards and the odd merchandise. Children are imitating the ninjas in Three Lights' second live action series while teenagers are cosplaying Young Sherlock Holmes, Young Moriarty, and Young Watson in Detective Boy Holmes…
Once one's attention has been called to a detail, one won't be able to escape its ubiquitous presence. How can I flee from Seiya and my guilt when everywhere I go, I'm haunted by his image? At the traffic lights, I pick up a playing card someone has lost on the street. It's Taiki Kou dressed as the most unfitting Jack of Hearts, not the card I've hoped to see.
Kudo, who is holding my arm for fear of losing me in the crowd, is steering me through the masses, shielding me from the worst trampling and elbowing specimens of our human species. Once again I'm reminded of stranger-san, who has often displayed the same streak of protectiveness as well. Perhaps even the most independent person can plunge into an abyss where they can't climb out without someone else's support. Kudo's old-fashioned gallantry, which once drove me to distraction, are today a welcome help, as I've begun to feel myself weaken with every passing hour.
"Where have you lost the handbag I gave you?" Kudo asks all of a sudden. Darting him a sidelong glance, I notice that he has lost his healthy glow and only looks slightly better than me, pale and fatigued in his open jacket and white shirt. "Did you lose it in the bus yesterday? It would have matched your dress perfectly, which is why I bet you've taken it with you to Ueno-koen."
Last night, immediately after we met, he noticed that I didn't carry a handbag, he smugly proceeds. My refusal to take the bus while walking cautiously—as if my feet were hurting in my new sandals—further strengthened his suspicion. A few cursory glances last night, followed by a careful inspection of my cupboards and wardrobe this morning, showed him that the handbag was nowhere to be found. He would have thought that I had thrown it away in a fit of blind rage if my wallet hadn't been missing as well.
"This is a private matter of mine," I reprove him. Since I didn't ask him to investigate, he should let it rest. "I don't want you to ruin our afternoon with your detective work."
"If you so wish," he grumbles, murmuring something under his breath about recalcitrant evil-eyed chemists.
"I can't hear you," I sharply remark.
"It wasn't important. But this—" Kudo shouts into my ear, as the noise around us, which has been growing with every passing second, is threatening to drown out his words, "—is all Seiya's fault! They're all storming in the direction of Two Lights' in the hope of meeting him or snatching a piece of his worthless merchandise. I bet Sonoko will be there, too."
"The upside of this is that no one will go to Ichinohashi Park."
"How did you become such an incurable optimist?" Kudo asks, appalled.
"Someone told me to look on the bright side."
"Ah."
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Luckily, our bus is not very crowded, as all the fans of Three Lights are driving in the opposite direction. After Kudo has paid the fare for both of us, I walk towards the back row and stop dead in my track when time rewinds and I see her again, unmistakable with her odd "odango" hair. She must have got on the bus one station before ours and is now leaning against the window in the same blue jeans, white blouse, and pale pink jacket she wore yesterday, carrying the same blue handbag with silver moon prints on her lap like yesterday, reading in a small paperback. Just like yesterday, her long hair is spilling from her two high buns over her shoulders, gleaming like streams of gold in the afternoon sun. Immersed in her book, she doesn't look up when Kudo and I arrive. All the seats are occupied save for the one in front of me.
"I can stand," Kudo chivalrously says, offering me the seat next to Odango.
"Age before beauty," I accept, and make myself comfortable next to her.
Yesterday afternoon when we were sitting next to each other in the bus, she was to me only a cute young woman with very long hair. Now that my personal interest in her has been aroused, I'm trying to see her with Seiya's eyes. She has a delicate, heart-shaped face with full cheeks, a flat snub nose with barely visible freckles, round blue eyes with very straight long eyelashes, and honey-blonde hair done up in buns that would look silly on any other woman. At second glance, she is despite her irregular features much prettier than I thought, not beautiful but exuding an unobtrusive, endearing aura of beauty that grows on one the longer one looks at her. Noticing that she is being watched, she looks up from her book and gives me a distracted smile.
Curious about what she is reading, I sneak a glance at the paperback in her hand, an illustrated collection of short poems and aphorisms. A quote from Fernando Pessoa, which has long faded from my consciousness, jumps off the page as if it had been highlighted: "The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd—the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible…"
With a deep sigh, Odango closes the book and crams it into her handbag before she props her head against the windowpane and shuts her eyes. Nevertheless, I know it well enough to let it continue in my head.
…nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world's existence. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.
When I discovered them in Paris in Jean Black's library, these lines—testifying that decades ago, someone else had suffered from the same emotions, had dwelled upon the same thoughts—were a great solace to me. Now, after Pandora's Box and the price I had to pay for enduring peace, it's impossible for me to keep my emotional distance. When one has suffered too much, one can no longer linger on poetic language—for all one wants is that the sorrow will end. The moment one realizes that hopeless longing is one of the greatest torture in life, one either breaks or finds the effort of will to leave it behind.
Naturally, Seiya has never belonged to the seven crows, which is no consolation to me as I thought before I knew that the truth was worse than anything I could imagine… Why should a free spirit like him join the Organization—or any other organization—if he would break their rigid rules, scorn their uniforms, mock their pretentiousness, and abhor their bureaucracy? I would have been able to guess the truth after what Taiki-san told me if I hadn't shut my eyes and ears to it. But instead I had been wondering why Stick seemed to be wrestling with his words, making a fuss over unimportant details like whether Seiya had really left of his own accord or whether he had been kicked out by their parents instead.
Yaten and I stuck by Seiya after our parents gave him an ultimatum and he chose to leave. It wasn't easy since we weren't allowed to take anything with us apart from the clothes we were wearing. Sheltered as she was, Kakyuu would never have survived on the streets. But our mother told us she'd let Kakyuu go if Seiya made it…
"Look," Kudo says, touching my cheek briefly to make me turn my head.
Through the window of the bus, which is laboriously chugging along, I can see the first orange and reddish glow of a sunset in the azure sky. It has come unusually early, as if it were trying to make up for yesterday's long twilight.
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