INT. VISITORS' CENTER
ELKAY
Here at Isla Nublar, we take our homages very seriously. What is an homage, you may ask? Well, simply put, it's a tribute to a certain piece of media that you enjoy.
Stock footage of Isla Nublar.
ELKAY
Today, we're doing Parks and Recreation. Why? Well, Claire just had a kid, and Ellie suggested that we build her a park. Naturally, I took that to mean "Twist my words so that they fit your agenda".
She grins.
ELKAY
I'm a good grandmother.
Cue the Jurassic Park theme, played at a quick tempo with Parks and Rec instruments. Credits.
EXT. CLAIRE'S CABIN
Ellie is walking beside Elkay, who is leafing through important-looking papers.
ELKAY
Ellie, what does EXT mean?
ELLIE
I dunno. Is this for the script?
ELKAY
Yeah, I keep seeing it on my reference scripts. Thanks for entrusting me with the sacred task of writing this chapter, by the way.
Ellie gives a false smile.
ELLIE TALKING HEAD
I thought it would keep her busy for a while. She can be . . . troublesome. No, that sounds too negative. She's a menace.
(Beat.)
Oh god. That's even worse.
ELKAY TALKING HEAD
In order to simulate a Parks and Recreation environment, I've assigned certain roles to the characters. I, of course, am Leslie Knope, and Ellie is my Ann. For obvious reasons, Owen is Andy. That's all I got so far, but I'm planning something special.
Footage of Neith and Raven strolling across ranch.
ELKAY TALKING HEAD
Since my adopted starfish sister is played by Aubrey Plaza, she's going to be my April. Most of the characters here have Overworld equivalents, including my dear mother, who is Elizabeth Mitchell. Why does an Asterparan share the same appearance and voice as a real-life person? Well, it's a big old world we live in. That solves one plot hole, right?
Elkay approaches Raven.
ELKAY
Hello, sister!
RAVEN
Hi.
ELKAY
Okay, that was good, but you need to be about thirty percent more deadpan. Can you do that for me?
Neith gives her a disapproving look.
NEITH TALKING HEAD
I don't much care for the way my daughter sees us all as characters. I don't much care for her in general.
ELKAY TALKING HEAD
Yeah, she'd be Ron.
The group gathers around Claire and Owen, who are exiting the cabin. Owen is carrying Lily in his arms. She's fast asleep.
RAVEN
Oh, she's so cute! I love her!
CLAIRE
Yeah, she's really sweet. I haven't spent more than fifteen minutes away from her.
OWEN
She's a miracle.
ELKAY
Yeah, she's awfully cute for something that had both and egg and an umbilical cord when it was popped out of a kooch.
Everyone gives her horrified looks.
ELKAY TALKING HEAD
God, what was I thinking? That was completely inappropriate.
(Beat.)
They'd never use the word "kooch" on Parks and Rec.
(Beat.)
I just said it again, didn't I?
Ellie brings Claire and Owen to an empty patch of grass.
ELLIE
This is where the park will be. I'm thinking we should have a swing set, a slide, and monkey bars. Nothing too complicated.
Elkay steps in front of her.
ELKAY
Whoa, Ellie, let's not get carried away with all of this "logical" nonsense. What we need is a really complicated park with amazing gadgets and gizmos. Only the best for little Daisy.
CLAIRE
Lily.
ELKAY
Whatever.
ELLIE
Um, Elkay, why don't you go back to Isla Nublar and figure out who should be cast in each role?
ELKAY
Good idea! I'm conflicted about Vic, because he's either a Chris or a Jerry.
Both Owen and Claire look up at her with blank expressions.
CLAIRE
Yeah . . . go do that thing that will probably take all day. Hopefully.
Elkay skips away, leaving Ellie alone.
ELLIE
Right, so I'll get started on the swing set.
OWEN (realizing that this will get the job done faster, and therefore cut down on dragon-time)
I'll help.
INT. VISITORS' CENTER
Zara and Robin are walking down the hall. Zara inches forward on her belly like a seal.
ROBIN
Oh my gosh, Zara, we need to braid your hair.
ZARA
Why?
ROBIN
Because it's long and beautiful and it would be fun. You're so lucky.
Zara gives a shy smile and waves her wing-flipper.
ZARA
Oh, Robin. You're too nice. I'm glad I was able to make friends here. I didn't think I'd fit in.
ROBIN
What gave you that idea?
ZARA
Well, I'm not really sure where I'm wanted. A Mozaradon doesn't belong on earth or in the air or in the sea, so what does that leave?
ROBIN
Lava?
Zara blinks.
ZARA
What I mean to say is: I don't really know what I'm supposed to be. I thought I was going to lead a normal life, but-
Elkay dashes by and pushes them over rudely.
ELKAY
Stop being depressing. This is a comedy.
Zara and Robin stare at her in disbelief.
EXT. CLAIRE'S CABIN
Ellie is working with a bunch of raptors on the location of the soon-to-be park. Owen is directing them with exaggerated hand gestures. Claire is cradling Lily in the bg.
OWEN
Good, good. A little to the left. No. No, not there. Bad! Pick it up, and move this way.
One of the raptors gives him an annoyed look.
RAPTOR
We're not animals. You can talk to us normally.
OWEN (embarrassed)
Right. Sorry. Carry on.
CLAIRE
Owen, come take care of Lily for a bit.
OWEN
Why? Am I doing something wrong?
CLAIRE
I need you . . . and you're doing many things wrong.
OWEN TALKING HEAD
I can always tell when Claire is mad, because she does this weird face. It's like a pouty-angry-terrifying frown.
(Beat.)
She's doing it right now, isn't she?
Zoom out to reveal that she is.
Owen walks over and takes Lily in his arms. She makes a small squeaking sound, keeping her eyes closed.
CLAIRE (looking at her with concern)
Do you think it's a good idea to have all of these raptors running around?
OWEN
Yeah. Why?
CLAIRE
They make me nervous.
OWEN
Are you saying you have an irrational fear of raptors?
CLAIRE
I have a rational fear of raptors. What if they decide to make me into a Claireburger?
OWEN (adding on)
A Claire Pot Pie.
CLAIRE
A Claire McNugget.
OWEN (excited)
An éclaire!
CLAIRE
That's enough.
EXT. VIC'S MUD HUT
Elkay is sitting with Vic at a fancy table. They are having tea. By the frustrated look on her face, we can deduce that she has been here for a very long time.
ELKAY
Okay, one last time: would you consider yourself a health nut?
VIC
I don't know! Well, maybe, but I do enjoy cake and cupcakes and snickerdoodles.
ELKAY (prompting)
Eggs, bacon, and toast?
VIC
"No" to the first two, since I'm a herbivore.
ELKAY (frustrated)
Have you ever knocked something over accidentally?
VIC
All the time. My tail swings around uncontrollably.
ELKAY (pressing for answers)
Are you an optimist?
VIC
Most definitely.
ELKAY (conflicted)
Do you have a smoking hot wife?
VIC (fearful)
I was married once, but it didn't work out. Why do you need to know?
ELKAY (pointing her face to the sky in defeat)
Oh my god, this is hopeless. I'll just have to make you a Jerry.
VIC (oblivious)
I don't know what that means, but thank you!
Elkay puts her head on the table and groans audibly.
EXT. LAGOON
Zara is frolicking in the water. Robin dog-paddles after her with exhaustion.
ROBIN
You're super fast.
ZARA
A third of me is genetically predisposed to aquatic excellence.
ROBIN
I didn't understand half of those words.
ZARA
I swim good.
ROBIN
Cool. Do you wanna get ice cream after this?
ZARA
Can't. I promised Ellie I'd record a Christmas album.
ROBIN
Oh my gosh! That sounds like fun. Can I come too?
ZARA
Can you sing?
ROBIN (out of tune)
Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling-
ZARA
You can come anyway.
INT. VISITORS' CENTER
Elkay is handing out promotional flyers near the staircase. She tries to get people's attention, but they gravitate away from her when she approaches them.
ELKAY TALKING HEAD
This is really hard. I thought for sure I'd find someone crazy enough to be Tom, but so far, I've had no luck. The closest character I can think of is my grandson, The Phantom of the Opera, but we had an argument recently, and haven't spoken since. He could be dead for all I know.
(Beat.)
I really hope that's not the case, because he owes me money.
Elkay runs after people as they pass.
ELKAY
Sir! Excuse me! Sir! Would you be interested-
She frowns as he jogs away. Her face brightens when she sees someone else.
ELKAY
Excuse me, ma'am, but do you think you could- Ma'am! DO YOU WANT TO GET RICH QUICK?
She sighs and sits down, giving up.
ELKAY
This is harder than I thought.
Ellie enters from a side door.
ELLIE
Hi.
ELKAY
How's the park coming?
ELLIE
We finished it, actually.
ELKAY (loudly)
What?!
ELLIE
Yeah, it didn't really take long. Especially since I used magic.
ELKAY
But- But that was the crux of the plot!
ELLIE
Yeah, but I figured it wouldn't get done if we tried to fit a three act structure over the story. I guess the lesson here is that you shouldn't force conflict.
ELKAY (with a flat bitterness)
Or that I should be wary of your sudden eagerness to hand me a project.
ELLIE (smiling compassionately)
We can still do the scene that plays during the credits.
ELKAY
But we haven't earned it. We didn't stick to the Parks and Recreation format.
ELLIE (sneakily)
Well, we could to something else . . .
INT. VISITORS' CENTER
Elkay and Ellie are sitting on a couch. Ellie starts making beatbox sounds.
ELKAY
¿Dónde está el Centro de Visitantes? Me llamo Elkay, el dragón discoteca.
ELLIE
Discoteca, fantasma, Flor es una mariposa. Los clones son sueco. Claire se va a morir.
ELKAY
El maestro del circo es un híbrido. Es secreto mal. Langosta, langosta, langosta!
ELLIE
Me quedé sin palabras españolas. Alas, alas, algo. Alas, langosta!
They sit in silence for a while.
ELKAY
I thought that would be funner. It kind of turned out like that Shakespeare chapter that went nowhere.
ELLIE
Shut up.