"This isn't enough!" Lavi raged, pounding his fist on the desk. Across it, Alonzo Reyes sighed through his nose, rubbing his forehead. They'd been arguing for the past hour, badgering back and forth. Usually, Lavi didn't mind the Branch Head of the South American Unit, but this was getting out of hand.
"She was nearly killed. With a uniform, she wouldn't have broken three ribs and punctured a lung. That blade wouldn't have hardly made a bruise -!"
"Senor Lavi, you overestimate uniforms. That blade would've penetrated, regardless of whether -"
"It doesn't matter! She wouldn't be in the hospital right now if she had a uniform," Lavi seethed. Alonzo stood up, his mustache quivering as he said, "She wouldn't be in the hospital right now if you weren't so incompetent as to stand there like a deer while that Akuma took aim!" Lavi froze, ice pooling in his stomach. Alonzo realized he'd hit a nerve, but rather than be satisfied, the slick gentleman sat down and gestured for Lavi to follow suit.
"My apologies, Senor. Things are... so tight here at the South American Branch. We are trying so hard to keep up, but our limited number of Exorcist and the funds... It is too much to ask for now. Had you asked a month before, I would've gladly issued out an order for a uniform. However, right now the money is tight. We have clergymen and Finders to pay and feed. The older Exorcists need these uniforms, the few we have, more than the newer Exorcists who have not learned to fight. To ask for a uniform now is like asking fifty Finders to give up pay and board as well as several of the senior Exorcists to halve their salaries. Those uniforms... they are made of a very expensive material, enough to protect from blasts, as you have seen," Alonzo stated wearily, gesturing to Lavi's own uniform. The redheaded Exorcist had not changed since the night before. His uniform jacket was open, revealing his bloodstained white shirt and splattered pants. The black cloth of the uniform was nearly gray with dust, but it looked none the worse for wear.
"Lavi, I know you are frustrated with this predicament, but I believe that, for now, you will not have to worry about Esperanza's welfare. She will not only be in our care, but transferred to the European branch aboard a steamer. We have decided, in accordance with Central, that it would be best if she recuperated in the European branch of the Order. Already, we have several of our own personnel there. She will be safe there as they study how best to reforge her Innocence," Alonzo sighed, steepling his fingers in front of him as he leaned his elbows on his desk. Lavi stared for a moment, letting the information soak in.
They were taking his partner. She was going to be in Europe, possibly for a long time. He swallowed, realizing he was now on his own, and he felt a hollowness inside of him. He was terrified of being alone. There was this horrible feeling he had in the pit of his stomach, a growing emptiness. He didn't want to be by himself here, with strange people and a strange language and strange food... He hadn't minded it when he'd first come to South America, but even then he'd figured he'd have a Finder.
It was Lavi's greatest fear - being completely alone. Despite this fact, Lavi felt that, no matter what, he was always alone anyways. No one could fathom the sort of gulf that came between Lavi and the people he interacted with. His actions were all an act, and his expressions were only to make them comfortable, but now he was so unsure what was what that he no longer wanted to lose this feeling that maybe, just maybe, the act he put up was no longer act. He was afraid that if he was alone, he might... might go back.
And then the enjoyment he felt around Allen, Kanda, Lenalee, Miranda, and yes, even Esperanza, would suddenly disappear, and he'd realize that it never was in the first place.
"Lavi? Senor, are you alright? You look sick." The redhead snapped out of his inner reverie, and he looked up with a look of surprise.
"N-no, I was just... just thinking about something. When's she leaving?" he asked. Alonzo shrugged, and he said, "That will depend on her recovery and just how well she can function without her Innocence on hand. I would say that she did very well against that Akuma by herself. Still, Central is giving her six months. If she does not leave by the six month deadline, Central will come and get her themselves. I do not believe that she will stay that long, however. Esperanza has a very strong sense of duty."
"You know her well?" Lavi asked. Alonzo looked up at Lavi from his pile of papers, and he sighed.
"Yes, I do know Esperanza. She saved my life," Alonzo said quietly, tapping his fingers against his desk. Lavi bit his lip and looked away. He wondered what she'd given up to save this man's life - she seemed willing to give anything to save someone.
"I know about what she's done, too. The Church... the Church is aware that she is a known murderer. They have agreed to exchange her death sentence for a life sentence in service of the Order, even after its dissolution should the war end," Alonzo said. Lavi suddenly snapped his head up.
"Death... death sentence?" Alonzo frowned, and his eyebrows suddenly rose as he realized something.
"Esperanza did not tell you, did she? She was a death row inmate. She'd been caught trying to bomb a building in Buenos Aires. She sat in prison for nearly a year waiting for appeals, and they were all turned down. The day that she was sentenced to die, about three months ago, she found her Innocence, and our Finders were quick enough to save her before they electrocuted her," Alonzo said in blunt tones. "Strange, that such a compassionate woman has probably killed over five hundred people." Lavi could feel his mind trying to tug him into another memory, one he knew would demonize Esperanza all over again. How could one person change so much in only a year, from a blood thirsty, terrifying murderer into a woman who was willing to give up everything, even her life, to save someone else?
Perhaps all that time in jail had done something for her. Perhaps finding her Innocence had put her closer to God.
Or perhaps she was the same, angry person she had been, and she was just as fake as Lavi happened to be.
She still dealt with it, the beast on the inside. Lavi could see that as he watched her eat lunch alone in the cafeteria, despite the fact she should be in the infirmary. The deep cut she'd received had, quite luckily, glanced across a rib, sliced a small incision into her liver, and managed to go deep enough to create an exit wound. She'd needed plenty of donated blood, surgery, and stitches, but she looked none the worse for wear, though her face was pale under her tea-colored complexion. He watched her discreetly, wondering if he should come near or not. He was worried about wounding her pride, though she didn't look like she could be much more wounded than she was now.
She had foregone her usual blouse for a sleeveless shirt. The men whispered around her in low tones, most of disapproval, some of less noble propositions. Despite the fact Lavi knew she could hear every word, she blatantly ignored the people around her, Finders and Exorcists alike. He leaned against the doorjamb of the cafeteria, wondering if he should approach her yet. Her pride... it had been wounded, when he'd carried her to the hospital. Despite the fact she could hardly walk, she had looked at him with a hurt, yet appreciative, glance when he'd laid her down on the stretcher in the hospital, both reprimanding him and applauding him for carrying her to the Infirmary. She hadn't said a word to him since then, however, and he could tell that the longer she stayed in the city, the more irritable she was becoming. There was something about the urban surroundings that rankled her emotions into a high frenzy, drove them into a froth that none could calm. Something about the city drove her mad, and Lavi could not, for the life of him, figure out what it was.
And suddenly, a man walked towards Esperanza, despite the fact she was sitting alone. It had not taken Lavi long to realize that every man in the building knew what Esperanza had done, and if they hadn't known beforehand, they would know within their first hour of staying at the Order Headquarters there in Sao Paulo. She was an infamous figure, something from which Lavi had been shielded while out on the wide expanses of the fringes of the desert, where her name was obscure and her deeds just as in the dark as her name. Suddenly, Lavi realized that maybe the reason Esperanza could not stand the city was due to the ever present reminder of her sins, and he felt a pang of pity that he quietly quelled.
She had committed her crimes. Now she must pay for them, with her life if not with her death. This was a small price.
And yet, none the less, he felt himself tense as he watched the man, a youth that was probably only five or so years older than the woman in front of him, exchange what looked like heated words. Lavi had seen enough hard debates, arguments, and accusations to know what a human's posture was when conferring to those ideas that were so controversial. And yet, Esperanza didn't budge, only played with the food that she had barely even touched in the past five minutes. He had never seen her this still, except perhaps when she was asleep and when she was in hiding. Despite her stillness, he could see that she was fighting to keep in her seat. He could almost see the beast she was wrestling with, that beast that was a pent-up anger that she could let loose on the plains by riding and travel and long introspection. It was an anger he had not seen the likes of until he'd been knocked flat on his back with a knife to his throat and her voice snarling in his ear like a nightmare monster.
The man he saw that was conferring with her was in danger. He was in danger of having a knife jammed in his throat, of having a hand crush his windpipe shut like a straw, of having his neck snapped, of having a fist dislocate his jaw. He could see it in the way that the cords in Esperanza's neck were beginning to make themselves known. She was reining herself in, trying so hard to keep her temper in check, but she'd put up with so much crap in the past two week, he was surprised she hadn't already locked herself in her room in a fit of ornery behavior against it all. He remember all too well how much she liked to shove Darrin off his mule when he was especially peeving...
He could tell that the man was beginning to run out of steam as the person he kept attempting to rile remained as stoic as outwardly stoic as the minute he'd arrived at the table. Lavi figured that the man must be safe - he felt bad for ever doubting Esperanza's ability to hold her emotions and actions in check. He began to walk towards the two, whistling a tune in order to keep up a cheery looking demeanor -
Suddenly, the mustachioed man said something to Esperanza, something that made her break her frozen mask of indifference. Faster than Lavi could stop it, Esperanza linked both her hands behind the young man's head and smashed it straight into the table twice with tight-lipped fury. Suddenly, there was a swarm of people around the two, several of them trying to pull Esperanza off of the man as they two began to scuffle with each other. Lavi already had both of his arms looped through hers as she fought against him, her back arching and her legs kicking out as she tried to get at her verbal assailant.
"Esperanza! ESPERANZA! ESPERANZA, DAMMIT, IF YOU DON'T CALM DOWN, I'LL PUT YOU DOWN MYSELF!" Lavi had already been elbowed by her, kicked in the thigh, scratched, and bruised in the few minutes it took to drag Esperanza away from the table. This must've been her breaking point. He could even feel something slick and wet brush against his already bloodied shirt, probably Esperanza's wound reopening again. Esperanza shouted insults in Spanish, most of which the man across from her could not even understand. The man was dabbing at a large gash in his forehead, looking vaguely satisfied and dazed at the same time as he grinned, knowing he'd won this round. Finders glared daggers at Esperanza while others merely shrugged and walked off indifferently. Still others glanced at her nervously, and she even received some rather sympathetic glances from Finders that had, no doubt, been privy to her cause as an extremist.
She finally hung, exhausted, from his arms, glaring at the man that was being led away to the infirmary. She'd inflicted quite a bit of damage, but the man had done his own damage as well. He'd broken her shell of careful composure, shattered her confidence in her ability to keep her cool, and torn open the floodgates of frustration she'd been holding back. Lavi could feel it in the way she struggled against him, shaking him off like a tattered cloak she felt she had no need for. She stalked off down the corridor, and Lavi yelled, "Esperanza! Get back here! I'm not finished with you!"
He suddenly felt like a schoolmaster dealing with an unruly child after a playground fight. She was acting like a child. She refused to listen to a word of help from him, as distressed as she was, and he'd never seen her this riled. Here in this city, cooped up and alone as she was, she was going mad. Still, it didn't quell the feeling of hurt he felt that she would just reject him like an unwieldy child would denounce a parent rather than receive help and instruction. He lengthened his pace, easily catching up with her loping pace, and he spun her around. His hand remained clamped around her wrist as she tried to walk away from him.
She glared at him with a glacial gaze, her blue eyes burning the way ice burns on a frigid day. It was no longer any challenge for Lavi to see this woman taking a bomb and killing quite a few people in one go. At least, not right now it was, but he knew that she was better than this. He'd seen it.
"What did he say to you?" Lavi asked, almost hesitant. He was afraid that the memory of such an inflammatory remark would rekindle her anger as it simmered down. She was tight lipped, her mouth set in a hard line as if she'd sucked on something sour. She took a deep breath, still resisting his hold but slowly tiring. She stood there for a few more tense minutes, her body as tight as a wire. Finally, she ground out, "He called my mother a whore, and he called my father a white devil who used her for nothing more than -" She didn't finish as she took a deep, angry breath. She closed her eyes, looking away from him as she frowned.
"He said I was a disgrace to the Order. That he would rather be ravaged by dogs than allow me to save him. That I was not fit to be an Exorcist. That I was a half-breed dog that should be put down rather than put on a leash," she grumbled. She suddenly became quiet as she looked up at Lavi.
"He told me that if he could, he'd string me up on a pole and starve me for days before letting ants eat me alive. And then he'd do the same to my parents, just before I died so I could watch," Esperanza whispered. Her eyes grew tight as she said, "I can take insults and I can take threats. To my parents... to my parents, that is a different story." Lavi licked his lips, thinking hard as he stared into her face, the air growing thicker as unspoken words seemed to fill the vicinity.
"That's stupid. That's absolutely idiotic," he stated simply, though he had a hint of vehemence in his voice. Esperanza jerked her wrist out of his hand.
"My honor means more to me than petty courtesy or restraint. God may judge me how He will, but I do not answer before anyone," she stated venomously. She turned around to walk away, and Lavi felt heat rise to his face as he realized he'd been slighted, feeling a sting in his pride.
"So is it honor to attack unarmed, innocent civilians and children just to sate your anger? To shatter lives for the sake of your fury?" he shouted after her, his words bouncing off the walls. Esperanza began to slow her walk ever so slightly, and Lavi took a little satisfaction in knowing he wounded her.
Esperanza turned slightly, and she said in a whisper-soft voice, "I am still paying for my sins. Take comfort in that." She walked off, blood dripping down her shirt as she headed to God knew where. Lavi watched her walk off, and his satisfaction slowly cooled to regret.
He had just alienated himself from the only friend he had in the city.
"Good going, Bookman Jr. Real smooth," he muttered to himself as he tried to catch up to her.
He lost her at the door. There'd been a rush of people as they all attempted to go the same way at the same time. Rush hour was horrific, and horses and bodies filled the streets. He had followed the blood trail at first, but it slowly trickled to a stop around a corner, and he knew he wouldn't find her in the crowd. He didn't even know where she was going. The redhead decided it wasn't worth it to brave the rain and the people just to find an angry woman who probably would fight him tooth and nail if he tried to get her back to his hotel so he could fix up her wounds.
Besides, he had other problems. In the middle of the street, he'd slipped straight into another memory without even being aware of it. He'd suddenly found himself walking down the Champs Élysées in the middle of the night, rather than at near-noon. He'd been jarred to find himself there, because he'd already walked down that road for nearly thirty minutes before realizing where he was. He could sense every single person around him, everyone that he'd seen and felt and heard on that night down in Paris, except that this memory was recent. He'd just been to Paris that month, and he could tell, in that instinctual way, that this was the same memory.
He wandered in Paris for quite a while, perhaps another thirty minutes, watching the Parisian Eiffel Tower fade between buildings as he kept it as a landmark for guidance. He wondered if he could literally live in a memory, for all of a moment, and he quickly stopped the thought. It would be too tempting a proposition, to give up the life outside for one in his head. He knew it would be a hollow life, one that was confined to whatever memories he'd already experienced, but at the same time, it was like a beckoning call to escape the life he lead out there.
Finally, he'd managed to get out of his memory, but only to realize he'd wandered on autopilot. He was somewhere in the city, but he had no idea where. He had absolutely no memory whatsoever (and that was something that scared him - losing such a big chunk of time was always disconcerting and disheartening for him), and his surroundings were unfamiliar. It was also getting dark, and Lavi suddenly wondered just how long he'd been walking around. This was definitely not as posh as the avenue his hotel happened to sit on...He cautiously walked past a large store window, catching view of his reflection.
He was hangdog and worn. His hair fell lank over his green headband, and his one green eye looked back with a blank color and feeling, as if it were the eye of some automaton. He'd lost a lot of weight - he could tell by the way his uniform hung off his shoulders and how baggy his shirt had become around his stomach and chest. His face was thinner than usual, and he didn't look too good at the moment. He didn't feel good, either, and Lavi scuffed a single boot against the sidewalk.
What was he doing here just staring at his reflection? What was he, some girl? He needed to figure out where he was!
Lavi saw a woman passing by, and he stopped her. She looked up at him with a look of surprise, her brown hair in disarray and her dress slung sloppily over her frame. She looked dreamy, as if she'd been caught in a daze.
"Pardon me, but could you tell me how to get back to Seventh Avenue?" he asked her in Portuguese. He was lucky that he'd come to Sao Paulo previous to this journey. He had a fair knowledge of the language. For once, he was glad Bookman had pressed him to learn so many freaking languages. The woman spoke in rapid Portuguese, most of which he understood. There were a lot of directions, some of them a little vague, but for the most part he got the gist of what she was saying.
He reviewed the route in his head as he walked away from her, and he realized he was in the mangier part of town. He felt his stomach tighten in apprehension. It was getting dark, and he was nearly lost. He didn't have his weapon with him - he'd left it behind for inspection thinking he wouldn't need it for a few days and that he'd keep out of trouble, for the most part. He knew fisticuffs fairly well, but after years of having his Innocence on hand at all times, he felt naked without it in a hostile place. The buildings seemed to stare at him with their eye-like windows. Each shadow held a lurker. Lavi tried to appear confident and calm, like he owned the street. He didn't need to be afraid. He would be fine.
He passed through without incident, and he breathed a sigh as he saw the night crowd begin to pour in. He knew where he was now. And speaking of which, he was starving. He searched through his pocket, looking for his wallet -
and realized that it was gone.
He cursed loudly to himself, causing several old women to stare at him with disdain that was usually reserved for dogs that peed on their shoes. He excused himself, walking away awkwardly. That woman... she pickpocketed him right after he left! He sighed to himself, miffed. He walked farther down the avenue, starting to think that maybe he was going the right way when he realized that he was on the wrong road. Very suddenly, he felt his foot sink into something, and he looked down. His eye twitched as he realized he'd stepped in wet concrete.
He jerked his foot out of the concrete, realizing half of it had already been dry before he'd shoved his foot into it, and several workers glared as they muttered under their breath in Portuguese and Spanish. Lavi laughed nervously in a high, breathy manner as he limped away, the parts of his foot that had been exposed to the concrete burning from the lye. He swallowed as he tried to shake off the chunks of gray concrete stuck to his shoe, and he scraped his foot against the side walk as he looked around for the street name.
He was abruptly splashed from the waist down with a torrent of water as a fast moving carriage barreled down the road. Lavi stood there, aghast, for all of a few seconds before growing red in the face and stamping a foot in frustration.
Just as he put his foot down, a little old lady walked by with her cane, and his foot managed to position itself exactly over her poor, rickety, arthritic toes. The old lady yelped as Lavi realized his folly, as well as try to profusely attempt to apologize. The old woman glared at Lavi and gave him a sharp smack across the back with his cane, and Lavi staggered back as he tried to duck her blows. She shouted at him in Portuguese before limping off, and Lavi winced as he felt the new welts growing on his back.
All of that, in a matter of five minutes. He hadn't managed to do something like that since he thought it'd be funny to take Kanda's hair tie. He was currently wet, tired, lost, in pain, dirty, broke, and cold. This was just ridiculous. As he trudged, he caught sight of the street name, and he realized he was on his own street. He just hadn't recognized it from this angle. Too tired to even curse at his own stupidity, Lavi rubbed his face and almost started to walk back to his hotel.
And then, he remembered something.
He'd left several books in Esperanza's hotel room. He'd thought that perhaps they'd be able to go through the documents faster if he had the two of them working together. He'd found her to be quick with reading Spanish and able to get the gist of Portuguese, none of which surprised him giving her white father and no doubt being raised in his household. She'd told him stories every now and again, though she never outright stated her father as being white. Lavi had had enough sense to connect the dots and figure out that her mother had remarried to a widower. Steering his mind back on track, he realized that he needed to get several of those books back - he'd meant to grab them as soon as they'd come back from the Italian restaurant, but they'd had no time after Esperanza had been injured.
Groaning loudly, he turned heel and walked back towards his hotel. It'd be smarter to start from there. Within an hour, he was outside of Esperanza's hotel room, having had to show several forms of identification to several guards in the hotel to ensure his identity was indeed what he claimed, despite his very homeless appearance. However, now that he was standing here, staring at her door, he realized that he didn't know if he should knock or not. What if she was still mad at him...? She couldn't possibly stay that mad, could she? She was prideful, but not that prideful... he hoped. He would really love to be in a nice, warm room. He'd even brought a change of clothes with him, despite the fact he'd figured that would be a big stretch. Still, if one never asks, the answer will always be 'no'...
He stood there staring at the door, and finally he made his decision. He took a deep breath.
This may or may not be painful.
A/N: Yet another chapter, yet another list of people who love me (or, more realistically, the story they're reading). For my reviewers, I've got janrockiss and Kai-Chan94, both who're quickly becoming regulars here on this story. Unfortunately, there are no new members on either the subscribe list or the favorites list. Huh... sad face... Ah, well, we'll just have to trek on then.
I'm going to, again, petition for some really in depth reviews, especially of what you guys would love to see more of. It would be very, very, very nice to have a particularly well-rounded review. Remember, a review is also whatever is on your mind when reading a story - it doesn't only have to be what you liked or didn't like. Discuss what you felt or how you interpreted certain things in the story. Also, try to help me steer clear of going to the OOC side of things. If there's something I can't stand, it's accidentally going into OOC territory.
Other than that, I've got nothing. Also, discussion questions: do you think Esperanza needs therapy? Do you think she deserves therapy? Is Lavi slipping further and further into madness, or is this just the very beginning of a slew of problems? How long do you think they'll last without Bookman? Are they ever going to find Darrin, or has he already fled to the United States despite the war?
Again, God bless and good reading!