Part 38

Let's Face the Music

It has been 3 long weeks since she last saw Joshua and it was killing her. She was seriously starting to doubt how long she could maintain this stand-off with Fitz. She also found that she's been doing a lot of soul searching during last few weeks as well, especially in regards to how she handled the situation- which was very badly, and she realises that her actions were definitely uncalled for- although they were in direct response to her initial shock and anger.

Although she is still angry, angry that Fitz had chosen Olivia over sense and reason, angry that he has chosen Olivia over her, and above all she was still angry at the thought of Olivia terminating her pregnancy without even speaking to her son about it first... Although she knows she shouldn't blurry the two, but somehow Olivia's termination seems to unearth all her anguish she went through after losing Ella. And knowing at first hand the grief that consumes you as you come to terms with the death or your child, she can't understand why everyone is so willing to accept Olivia's decision, especially Jerry. Of all people, she really thought that he would be on her side on this matter.

Maybe she was just wired differently, but she finds it hard to justify a termination, when at the very least Olivia could have gone through with the pregnancy, and like she did with Joshua, handed the baby over to Fitz's sole care and responsibility. As far as she is concerned, Olivia didn't tell Fitz about the pregnancy, because she knew he'd make her keep the baby, and with that in mind that makes Olivia's actions selfish and deceitful, and above all almost unforgivable in her eyes.

But pushing Fitz to choose between Olivia and herself was her greatest downfall. She should have known better, because when her son was committed to a cause, albeit a very broken an almost irreparable marriage, he was fully committed. And in spite of her recent opinions of Olivia, for Fitz it has always been about Olivia. He loves her, and when Fitz loved, he loved hard; in the very same way he loves Joshua, his love for her was unconditional; that not even his mother could come in between them.

And then of course there was Jerry, who was still being incredibly off with her, in fact they were barely talking. Although, in fairness she realised that she has put him in a very difficult position, and just like her, he's missing his grandbaby tremendously. He's tried to make her see reason, but she has stubbornly chosen to stand her ground. Again, she is conscious of the fact that she's treading a very thin line with him too.

In truth, the whole thing was a complete mess, and it was coming to a point whereby giving in seemed to be the only viable option, maybe it was time to wave the white flag in surrender, and maybe it was time to make amends, which also meant having to find a way to forgive Olivia. Although honestly, she's not so sure if can bring herself to do that... because that type of hurt, was extremely hard to let go of.

However, unbeknownst to her, the sudden ringing of the doorbell; abruptly drawing her from reverie, was about to put that exact theory to the test.

xxxxxxxx

For Joshua's sake, she shakes her nerves away. She has no idea what to expect from Anne, but she's hoping she'll be at least willing to hear her out, especially with Josh being here. Although the fact that Fitz is not here, is another matter entirely-which she trying her best not to dwell on. Because with or without Fitz being here, she realises that this could be her only chance to make a difference. She just hopes she doesn't blow it.

"Mummy, can I press it?"

"Sure baby, here let me help you…" She lifts Joshua up and he deftly presses the ringer, sounding their arrival.

As she hears Anne approaching the door, unconsciously, she finds herself taking a deep, long and steadying breath.

Anne's shock is evident, but just as quickly her expression changes to that of pure joy as Josh runs to her and she sweeps him off the ground. She hugs him to her close, almost afraid to let him go. "Oh my sweet angel, it's so good to see you." She whispers, although audible enough for Olivia to hear. In that very moment, Olivia knows she's done the right thing.

"I missed you too Grandma!" he responds, tightening his grip around her neck.

She showers his cheeks with kisses and cuddles him tighter, before eventually looking over at Olivia. A realisation washing over her… This was her doing! Knowing full well that Fitz's stubbornness is spawned from her own, she suspects this reunion is down to Olivia.

"Come in", she tells her gingerly, leading them into the living room.

At first, Anne just fusses over Josh, as he recalls every single thing she's missed out on, including his picture, which he retrieves from his mum's purse and excitedly runs back to explain his masterpiece. Olivia can tell Anne is fighting back the tears, completely touched.

When it comes to the subject of Joshua, both of these women were on the same page-utterly besotted.

After a while the excitement in the air changes to a comfortable lull, as Josh goes to seek out his toy box and falls into his normal routine again. At which point Anne turns and acknowledges her again, by offering to make them some tea.

"Yes please…" Olivia replies gratefully, glad that Anne has effectively offered her an olive branch.

Anne goes about making the tea, lost in thought it seems; her eyes drifting to Joshua and then back to Olivia… She doesn't say anything, but Olivia can tell she is weighing out the situation in her head. Not before long, she heads back over and sits around the table with her. Olivia takes her tea from her and quietly sips at it, as she patiently waits for Anne to break the silence and begin.

"Thank you," she tells her eventually, her voice thick with emotion.

"You don't have to thank me Anne, it was the right thing to do."

Anne looks over at him again, a smile falling upon her lips…"I've missed him so much."

"I know all too well how you feel", she replies with a catch to her voice, drawing Anne's attention.

She looks at her, really looks at her and says…"I suppose you do."

She pauses. "Anne, I don't want this to continue… It's not fair on anyone, especially Joshua… I know Fitz thinks it too, but he just too stubborn to admit it. I tried to get him to come with us but…"

"I knew it was your idea the moment I saw you and Joshua standing there…" Anne tells her knowingly… "The Olivia I used to know, had too big of a heart to let this carry on…"

The term "used to" pains her greatly, she can tell Anne is still feeling raw, but she needs her to know that's she's mistaken… "I'm still that girl Anne."

"But are you, are you really?" She asks, still unsure. By Olivia bringing Josh over; she is completely overwhelmed by her act and more than grateful, and by doing so it has made her look at her from a different perspective… but yet she's still so conflicted by all that has taken place.

It's now or never, Olivia thinks; time to lay it all on the line. "I know I have done things to make you think otherwise, I've done things that I can barely forgive my own self for, no matter how hard I try… Whether I was sick or not, I should have known better… Leaving Fitz, leaving Josh… then the baby… Anne if only you knew how much I regret what I've done… Believe me, no amount of therapy will EVER change that… but with Fitz and Joshua's help I am slowly learning to move on. I love them Anne, I never stopped, and I never will… And I can understand why you might not believe that, because I've hurt them both so badly… But I wasn't myself back then. I had lost who I was, lost what I believed in. You see, I no longer had faith in myself as a wife and mother and I felt unworthy of their love. But I was so wrong, so very wrong… I needed their love, like I needed the air to breathe. And without them, life wasn't worth living. I guess I found that out the hard way…"

Anne swallows, looking down at Olivia's exposed wrist; the stark evidence laid out before her... She herself has never experienced the ails of clinical depression, but she is aware of its crippling nature it has upon a person's rational and behaviour… But still, the termination… She just can't get her head around the idea of Olivia doing that to her own child, to Fitz's child… "And the baby? That's what I don't understand, how could you do it Olivia?"

Tears well in her eyes as she recalls… "How could I possibly considering bringing a new life into this world, when all I wanted to do was end my own? I wasn't strong enough Anne; I'm not strong like you."

"What do you mean?" Anne is taken back.

"Just that; look at you! After all you've been through somehow, even after Ella you still manage to go on, you managed to persevere through it all… When I left, I just couldn't…"

"Why didn't you come to me, why didn't you tell me… maybe I could have helped you!" Anne pleads, finally making her true feelings known. Because it had hurt, it hurt like hell to know that she was the last person to see Olivia before she left, and yet she had no idea that the girl she had grown to love as a daughter, was on the brink of making the biggest mistake of her life. How could Olivia could not trust her enough, to let her know how bad it really was?

"Because Anne, coming to you for help only validated how useless I was… I looked up to you so much, you were the type of mother I wanted to be to for Joshua, but I couldn't be like you… I was so weak…"

"But you're strong now Olivia!" Anne tells her fervently… "Although I didn't appreciate it at the time, it must have taken a great deal of strength to come back, and you did that… And even now, going against Fitz's wishes to bring Joshua here, and then on top of that face me- that in itself took a great deal of strength Olivia… And I respect that." Anne pauses, before carrying on heavily… "Being a strong role model to others comes with huge responsibility too, and part of that responsibility is admitting when you messed up… You've done that… and I guess it's time that I did the same…" Anne rests her mug on the table, as she looks at Olivia dead on… "I was wrong for reading your file, even whilst I was doing it, deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in my defence I was driven solely by my need to keep Fitz and Joshua safe… I'm very sorry."

"It's okay, I understand what it's like to want to protect your child!"

"I realise that now, and I realise that I was wrong to be so quick to pass judgement, to be honest I let my own grief of losing Ella get in the way… You and I have both lost a child, and we both know the pain that comes from such a loss. But because of that, I then found it extremely difficult to comprehend how someone like you, someone who has lost a baby before, could actively choose to lose another… but then again, I guess I've never experienced what it's like to lose oneself."

Olivia has to fight back the tears as a huge wave of emotion washes over her as she explains… "After the termination, I felt that very same loss… There was no relief in the act, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself… If anything my guilt made the feeling of loss even more acute…" Compelled, Anne takes her hand in hers and squeezes it gently… "Oh Olivia, Jerry tried to explain to me how bad it was for you, but I was being too pig headed to listen… I didn't realise… I'm so sorry…"

"Please, you don't need to apologise… when I think about what you went through with Ella… and then for you to find out what I did… I wasn't shocked by your reaction; I don't hold it against you at all… If anything, it demonstrates to me how important family is to you… That's why I couldn't keep Josh away…"

"Thank you Olivia."

Tearfully, "I don't want this family to fall apart Anne, because honestly you're all the family I've got… There were times I needed you sooooo badly, your guidance, your love and support- but because of my actions you weren't there… I missed you so much! And I know I nearly destroyed it all when I left, and I'm so incredibly sorry for that, but I love you and Jerry and I want us to be a family again… Please Anne, please say you'll forgive me."

Anne can't keep the tears at bay any longer, as her defences are completely shattered… "No I can't, not until, you can forgive me first!"

Choked… "Oh Anne, of course I forgive you…" With that they both break into floods of tears and come together in long an overdue embrace. "I've missed you too…" Anne whispers to her brokenly as she holds her to her. Olivia breaks down against her, overwhelmed to be in the comfort of Anne's arms. The warmth and forgiveness of a mother embrace, there is nothing quite like it.

Finally, at long last Olivia had her entire family back!

Lost in their own reunion and tears, they hadn't even noticed that Joshua had come over to enquire what was going on… He tugs on Olivia's skirt… "Mummy why are you and Grandma crying?"

At the sweet angelic sound of Josh's voice, both ladies pull apart and look down at him, smiling through their tears… Anne bats hers away, as she answers plainly… "Oh it's happy tears my little cherub, very happy tears indeed".

"Why are you happy?!" Joshua asks innocently.

Anne picks him up and puts him on her lap as she explains…"Grandma's happy to have her family back!" She smiles at Olivia, who then returns her smile… "So, so happy... That... I think it's time for blueberry muffins!" She announces excitedly kissing him on the cheek.

"Hmmmm my favourite!" Olivia replies, with a smile that feels as huge as her heart.

"Mine too mummy!" Joshua grins just as brightly, "I love Grandma's blueberry muffins!"

"So do I baby, so do I!"