PART ELEVEN: Gunner Abbey, District 5

Courage.

What a word, isn't it?

The only book in our old "library" in this old District is an old dictionary. We use it sometimes to study in the few schools in the District. Anyways, once, when I was much younger, I looked up the word in that dictionary. You know what it said as a definition for courage?

Courage: (adj.) the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.

I wish I could say I had courage. But, looking around at these people that I'm surrounded by, well, that's not the case.

I'm Gunner Abbey, I live in the more fortunate part of District 5, with two parents and a sister named Jennifer that all love me, and I don't have to work quite yet.

My Mom and Dad spend more time working than they do at home, leaving Jen and I to take care of things at the house. My sister Jennifer is tall, with cascading brown hair like me, and the sweetest smile you would ever see. She has the prettiest laugh and she often uses it. I think my sister is the best person ever.

The factories are huge and they puff out smoke and smog and all this other disgusting stuff, but lucky for me, I don't have to worry about it.

I don't know fear.

Which mean, I don't know courage.

But I wish I did. I… I don't want to go through any difficulty, danger, or pain… But I want to have courage. I guess that you can't have one without the other.

My best friend Elliot Stanford is an orphan. His parents died before he was born, and he doesn't know why. I wish he could know, because I know that he hates the thought of not knowing and stays up at night, regretting that he doesn't know who his parents are. Elliot has courage, living with so many kids that are younger than he is, and being an older brother to all of them… He's probably the most courageous person I know.

But, no. I just live day-by-day in luxury, while everyone around me suffers. It's driving me insane.

That's my introduction. I would ask for yours, but I'm afraid that I actually have to get up now and get to school. My parents are never around because they work frequently. My sister, though, stays with me for a while before she has to go to work. She's 16 and she's taken to working, as well, and I'll never know why. She works for less time, though, so her smiling green eyes greet me every morning.

"Morning, Gunner!" she says, smiling.

"Hey Jennifer!"

She hands me some food to eat, and though it's not tasteful, it's food and I'm thankful for it.

We eat together until she says, "Well, I'm off to work. I'll see you later." She kisses the top of my head, grabs the rest of her uniform, and walks out the door.

I finish cleaning up after our breakfast and then walk out of the door to talk to Elliot.

The dark-haired, brown-eyed boy races over to me and greets me with the cheeriest, "Hi Gunner!" He's one year older than I am, 13 and I'm 12. My first reaping, the 73rd Games, should actually be happening soon. But, no worries about that: yet.

"Hey!" I greet my friend back.

"How are you?" Elliot asks with a smile.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm perfect!"

I blink. I still don't know how he can say that, after everything he's been through, but I guess that's courage for you. And there's that word again that I hate so much.

"So, what's going on today?" he asks.

"Not a lot!"

"I think we're going on a field trip today," Elliot says, "To the factories. Wesley and the other 8 and 9-year-olds went two days ago, which means the 10 and 11-year-olds went yesterday, which means our two classes get to go together today!"

"That's right! We get to go together again this year! Wow, cool! Maybe I'll see-"

I was going to add, "my parents," but decide it would be rude, even though Elliot doesn't seem to care quite as much considering the accident happened so long ago.

"…Your parents? Gunner, you're so sweet, but you don't have to worry about saying that kind of stuff in front of me. I promise." His brown eyes look genuine.

I keep walking to school and nod, "You're right. Sorry."

He laughs, "Stop apologizing! It's not like you're doing anything wrong!"

"But-"

"Sh. No sorry."

I nod and keep walking. Elliot walks with me.

"So I suppose if the school's going on a field trip, I'll see you later then."

"Guess so." He smiles and ruffles my hair, "Talk to you then!"

I smile and walk to class.

Elliot, as he is usually, was right. We meet up later as the teachers gather our classes and take us to the factories.

They're the most dismal place on Earth, I think, and we wait in the entrance while our teachers talk to the people that let us in. Soon, they walk inside and we follow. Most of our teachers work at the factories part-time. It's something you're roped into here at 5.

"So, as you see here, we have the main systems that-" suddenly we all hear a bang and people scream.

"What's going on!?" one of the teachers asks, and suddenly workers come running.

"A unit's exploded!" somebody says, "We have to get ourselves and all of them out of here!"

More screams arise, and another boom echoes. The kids start to become chaotic, including myself. "Remain calm, kids, and let's go now," a different teacher says, starting for the door.

"What about my Mom and Dad and sister!?" I ask, close to tears, and soon I see Abbot running against the people the other direction, as well.

Abbot, a boy Elliot's age, is tall and strong with gray eyes, his parents are friends with mine, and I know that they're also coworkers.

"MOM!" he screams, running against the crowd, "DAD!"

I turn around to run in that same direction but Elliot tugs me forward, "Gunner, come on! We have to go!"

"MY PARENTS!" I scream hysterically, "MY SISTER!"

In that moment, I decide I don't want to be courageous any more. I just want my family to be safe!

"They'll be fine if you just run!" Elliot says, tugging me out the door, "YOU HAVE TO RUN, GUNNER!"

I turn around for any sight of them in the evacuating coworkers as Elliot pulls me along. I see fire eat the factories and hear another boom, followed by a high-pitched scream that easily could've been my sister's. I wouldn't know, I've never heard her scream before.

With that noise, Abbot screams hysterically, sobbing for his parents, and then runs into the flames.

Suddenly, another bomb explodes and the blast sends Elliot and I flying and blows my eardrums out. I hit the ground hard and land on my left arm harshly. The pain shoots up through my arm, to my shoulder, and I cry out loudly and scream as my shirt catches fire. Elliot yells too, taking me and running as fast as he can through the fire to the exit. When we exit the burning building he hits the ground and shouts, "ROLL!"

I do as he says, still holding my throbbing arm and still crying out hysterically with the searing pains of burns and the pulses of my arm, which is becoming numb. Even when I extinguish the fire I cry out in pain and misery, until black takes over my vision and I slip out of consciousness.

Ashes.

That's all that's left of that one factory building, and that's all that's left of my family.

They weren't among the survivors. And I haven't seen Abbot around and I don't know… I don't know what happened to him. Something tells me I don't want to find out.

I kneel by the ashes and stare at the charred remains of so many people, three of them being my own family. The tears come to my eyes and I realize that this kind of thing isn't a game.

Elliot appears just then and kneels down beside me. "Gunner?"

I don't answer but look at him miserably. He puts some medication on my burns and asks, "How's your arm? Any better-"

"NO!" I shout, feeling hysterical, "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO USE IT AGAIN!"

"Gunner-"

I cringe, trying my very hardest to lift it up and to even flex my fingers, but my arm no longer responds to my brain. "MY FAMILY'S GONE AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Elliot hesitates. Then he pulls a page out of his pocket and puts it in my right hand. "Read this," he instructs.

The word courage stares at me.

"Why did you do this?" I ask him finally.

"Everyone I asked said it was Ok, as soon as I explained what happened."

"WHY DID YOU BRING THIS HERE?!" I scream at him, blinking tears out of my eyes.

"Because you need to remember what it means," he whispers.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE COURAGEOUS ANYMORE! I WAS STUPID, I TAKE IT ALL BACK! I JUST WANT MY FAMILY BACK!"

Elliot chokes on tears and looks at me desperately. "It's time to get your courage."

I suddenly throw my arms (or, arm… God, I'm horrified) around him and tackle my best friend, hugging him tightly and sobbing into his chest. "I'm not courageous! I didn't save them! I DIDN'T SAVE THEM!"

Both of Elliot's arms wrap tightly around me. The hug is bone-crushing but I don't even care. He cries into my shoulder, "You'll get it, Gunner. It's in your heart, it's just waiting for the perfect moment to come out."

"I STILL DIDN'T SAVE THEM!"

"Leaving them was courageous. Gunner, they loved you too much for you to kill yourself for them. It was the right thing to do, Gunner!"

I sob into his chest until black appears in my line of vision and I finally take a second to breathe. My body is exhausted from sobbing. Finally, after a pause, I whisper, "It'll never feel like the right thing."

Elliot strokes my hair soothingly and whispers, "It will, someday. Someday, you'll see."

I'm too emotionally and physically exhausted to argue, so I give a nod before falling asleep.

Courage: (adj.) the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.

Courage can show in many different ways. Courage can be Abbot's running into the fire after his parents, courage can be protecting ourselves because we know how much our parents love us.

Courage can be losing your left arm forever, and courage can be going to work anyways. Courage can be getting burned, and courage can be saving your hysterical best friend from doing something stupid, even when you're burning. That last one was all Elliot.

I've found it, now.

When I look back on my younger self, I can't help but think how stupid he was. But I decide that the dumbness of him was out of ignorance. He didn't exactly understand what finding real courage was going to take. He wasn't ready for it when it happened. He never thought he'd actually have to live through something so traumatic.

That's the thing about courage, I guess. When you don't have it, you want it, but once you get it, you don't want to have ever been forced to get it.

I live out the rest of my days in District 5 as an orphan with Elliot. Neither of us ever gets adopted.

I'm oddly alright with it, though. I've become Ok with the life I'm living, the ups and the downs, the missing memories, the sleepless nights that have slowly but surely becoming more restful… I'm at peace, and I'm calm, and I'm finally Ok with it.

And I think that courage is the most powerful of all.