PART 14: WALT LASSITER, CAPITOL

WALT'S POV

"Hey Lassiters!" Jericho and I both turn around upon hearing our last name called. When I look over, I see two figures. The first, smaller one runs toward us. When he comes closer, his bright yellow hair flops over his eyes and he repeatedly flicks his head back to get the hair out of his eyes.

His brother, who stands calmly behind him and simply walks, looks ten times taller when he's dressed up for an interview. His dark green hair is cleanly parted and combed away from his eyes.

The Sedwicks. The younger one, dressed today in a pale yellow long-sleeved shirt with a bright yellow T-shirt over it, along with a pair of gold jeans and heavy Timberlands on his feet, skips over. His name is Mark.

"Hi!" he waves happily to Jericho and myself. My brother looks enthusiastic, while I just find a small smile. Mark puts his huge camera on the ground and smiles happily, just as his brother Geronimo steps over and flashes me a crooked smile. "G'day, Walt. Hello, Jericho."

Jericho smiles, "Hey Geronimo." I hold out my hand and Geronimo shakes it very professionally.

Today, he's dressed in his usual dark green suit that matches his hair and eyes, with black, shiny dress-shoes and a pale green tie. Mark and Jericho chatter excitedly about Mark's new cat Missy, leaving myself and Geronimo to talk about more adult concepts.

"Had an interview today," Geronimo says with a smile, "With Ithica Myers, the Head Gamemaker." He flashes me a crooked, smug smile and I sneer back at him, "Oh yeah!? Well…" This is a big thing for him. This is a huge event for him, and right now he's probably above me. The Sedwicks are our biggest rivals. We have to do something amazing to show him up this time. I speak before I can think of my words, "I'm gonna go all the way to District 1 someday and interview Platinum Krietzer himself!"

He laughs, "That's one step below the president," he says, looking like he doesn't believe me at all. Then again, I already don't believe myself. "You wait, Sedwick! You'll see!"

He laughs, "Aw, cute, Lassiter. You're such a dreamer."

"I know. But it's one of those things that helps me succeed."

"Won't deny it."

He smiles and I smile back.

The two of us are the Capitol's only and most popular brother-brother-interviewing duos, and we're extremely alike. The older brother (myself and Geronimo) does the talking, while the little brother (Mark and Jericho) always does the filming.

All four of us, Lassiter and Sedwick, hate the Hunger Games, and Geronimo and I are going to the same college with the same major. Jericho and Mark are both socially awkward, but my brother is worse than Mark, and both Geronimo and I are good at keeping straight faces and reading the emotions of others. Geronimo is pansexual, and I'm bi, but both of the brothers (as far as we know) are straight.

The Capitol loves both of us, and both Geronimo and I have our shares of extreme fangirls and boys alike. One time I remember watching Geronimo doing an interview with some starstruck boy in red that started to make out with him right in the middle of the interview, last year when he was 19. The reactions on both the Sedwicks' parts are the best part of the whole thing. While Mark was flailing the camera around and whisper-screaming his own terribly-censored swear words, Geronimo had this shocked look on his face but it looked like he was kissing back, making lots of freaked out noises of shock. Both Jericho and I had a good laugh at that. We rewound and watched over and over again. I cried, I was laughing so hard. Jericho rolled around on the floor. We don't get to laugh a lot, so when we actually do get to laugh, we use it for all that it's worth.

Jericho and I lost our parents when we were young. Our mother Kristina died in a shooting one day and our Dad Silus died soon after in a bar-fight. I was too young back then to know what any of that meant, but now I know all about it and it makes me sick.

I took Jericho in with me and never went to live with another adult. Our Aunt visited us sometimes and that was that, considering we were left with quite a fortune upon the death of our parents.

Anyways, Geronimo and I are both 20. Jericho is 17, a senior in high school, and Mark is 18 and a senior. Both of our brothers spend more time filming out with us than they do in school, and I find that Jericho is a lot happier behind the camera than he is behind the desk.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, Lassiter. Come, Mark," Geronimo walks away, keeping his perfect posture as he walks off, and Mark grabs his camera and skips after him.

Jericho smiles after them, "Why am I supposed to hate him again?"

"You don't have to hate them, you just have to strive to be better than them."

"What if I'm not, though?!" Jericho takes a deep breath.

Oh, my brother… He gets like that sometimes.

No worries. No big deal. It's Jericho, he's just fine.

I smile slightly and grab a snack for both of us, before he has to go do his homework, and so do I. I sit in my room with a paper in front of me but mostly end up thinking about the events of the day. I want to go to District 1 and talk to Platinum Krietzer, just to prove Geronimo Sedwick wrong.

Later in the night, Jericho comes into my room and says, "Hey, Walt… I, uh, got in a little skirmish the other day and…." He shows me a cut on his neck and down his arm.

"Oh God Jericho! I take him to the bathroom and disinfect the cuts, much to his protest.

"I… I don't think I can make it to school tomorrow."

"Oh no… What's going to happen to that history presentation you spent so much time making? Maybe you should go…"

"I wish I could, but…" he stumbles, looking like he's going to collapse.

I have to give him this one.

"Alright…"

He smiles slightly, "Th-thanks." I help him to his room. After he takes out his contacts, takes the make-up off and showers, I help him into bed. I kiss his forehead, "Night."

He smiles at me, "Night."

The next morning I wake up to see the main headlines on the news, "PARADISE DUE!" and know that it's now or never. I get Jericho up and he seems oddly enthusiastic to hear my news. "Pack up your stuff, baby brother. We're going on a train ride."

He wakes up and smiles sleepily at me. His voice is an octave lower from sleepiness, "Are you serious?"

"One-hundred-percent. Now, come on!"

He grins and jumps out of bed, "Let me get dressed!" I waltz on over to the kitchen, in disbelief that we're actually going to try this. I think that in a matter of a day I could be talking to Platinum Krietzer! My BIGGEST celebrity crush ever, and I might actually be able to talk to him! I'm dying of happiness.

Jericho skips out to the kitchen.

It is kind of weird how energetic he is considering- he's fine.

Jericho pulls the ballcap over his hair and takes a banana. "I can't believe we're gonna do this!"

"Me neither!"

"Comeoncomeoncomeon!" he says anxiously. I laugh and finish my breakfast, tying a scarf around my neck, "I'm coming."

He takes his humongous camera case and we leave together.

GERONIMO'S POV

Mark and I drink tea and watch the news headlines for Platinum Krietzer's son-to-be. We have a quiet conversation over the television, him chatting about school intently. He holds Missy in his lap and strokes the white cat as we talk.

When I catch a glimpse of the TV, I suddenly see a very familiar face there, and a very familiar scard, as well. I do a bit of a spit-take and Mark is sent into laughter.

I scowl at him, "What?"

"You have a HUMONGO crush on Lassiter and it's hilarious!"

A blush forms quickly all over my face. "I do NOT!"

"Yes you do! Don't worry, you're gonna get married and then Jericho and I'll be-" he sings, "RELAAAATTTEEEDDD!"

"We're never going to get married. He's out there with his celebrity crush right now."

"So?! That's a celebrity crush!"

"So, the fact is that he'd rather chase someone he's never gonna get than look at me. Mark, I know these things."

"How do you know?"

"Because we've been talking for years and years and he's never seen me as any more than a friend. Meanwhile, he's crushing on some guy he's never even met." I hear Platinum's happy voice on the television and mutter, feeling utterly defeated, "Until now."

"Aw, don't worry…" Mark says, sounding a little sad.

I sigh sadly, "I'll be fine. Aren't I always?"

Mark bites his lip before saying, "Yeah. You're always fine."

"Correctamundo." I go back to sipping tea before he can argue.

He's right, I'm always fine.

Even when I'm not.

WALT'S POV

Platinum gets out of prostitution from Dutch's birth until the day he turns five. After that, though, he's back in it. I found that I can buy him out and spend an evening with him, though, without the sex. It soon becomes a regular thing, so often that people think we're a couple and start saying "scarves and converse shoes."

Yeah. Weird.

The problem is that I'm obviously more in love with him than he is with me, and all I can do is look after him longingly and wish he would love me (even though he doesn't and never will. I know that). Anyways, when Platinum comes over I always offer to sleep on the couch, but he never lets me. I lay next to him and can't help how lovesick I feel.

It's just one normal day, the day that Paradise is due with her second baby. Jericho got into another "little fight" and got more cuts, just like he does most every day, so I let him sleep just a little longer than usual. I pack up my stuff and call up to him, "Come on, Jericho!"

There's no response so I assume he's up and moving. I eat breakfast and wait. He doesn't come down. I call up again, "Jerry berry, come on!" No response. No laughter from upstairs.

He must've just slept through all my screaming. I stomp upstairs, ready to shake him awake.

I'm not ready for what I see when I walk through that door.

My baby brother is hanging off the ceiling fan, and he is very dead. I don't know what to say. I shake my head and blink, to make sure it's real.

It's very real.

I don't want it to be real. Not at all.

But it is.

I failed as a brother. I was the only person he had left and I was too oblivious to see that anything was wrong with him! All these years he's been like this and I've never once acknowledged that he needed help! I never thought it'd be a problem.

And yet… It's come to this.

I'm a FUCKING IDIOT! I can't believe that I DID THIS TO HIM! I should've HELPED HIM when I saw that all he needed was somebody that LOVED him, and I let it slide! ALL THESE YEARS of denial, and it's come to this. I feel ready to pass out. I stumble forward and grab the piece of paper that he taped up to the wall with my name written on it.

WALT:

Please don't be sad.

I collapse on my knees on the floor and wipe tears from my eyes. "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE SAD!" I shout to the empty specter that is my brother. But I keep reading anyways.

Tell Mark not to be sad, either.

I wish I could tell you I'm not sure if this is the right time, but it just is. It's time for me to die. I hope you understand that. I know you had big dreams for the two of us. But now it's your responsibility to carry on without me and chase those dreams. I was always a handicap to you, anyways.

I sob into the crook of my elbow. I can't believe I ever let him think like this.

Platinum will know what to do, if you just ask. After all, he's been through this. Maybe Nate didn't deserve to die so young, so loved, so wonderful… But I do. By the time you're reading this it'll be that I did.

I could never talk to people like you could. Hell, I can't even talk to someone I don't know without fainting! It's exactly the thing about me that makes people think I'm an idiot. The reason why I made up excuses not to go to school. It was intolerable, being looked upon by everyone as a freak.

I have cuts in more places than you ever knew. Please, don't look for them. It'll only make you hurt more, and the last thing I want you to do is hurt.

I would've never been as good a person as you. Never would've been as nice, as considerate, as gentle as you. Never as cool, calm, talkative, or smart as you. Never as loved, popular, famous as you, or Geronimo, or even Mark. I guess you all have things that I never would've.

I'm in a better place now. Maybe by the time you're reading this I'll have met Mom and Dad. You told me so many things about them that now I'll get to see! And I'll be out of everyone's hair, too, from now until the end of time.

I love you so much, Walt. Take care of yourself, Ok? Follow our dreams, alright? They'll be a lot better without me.

With all the love that's left in my aching heart,

Jericho

I drop the paper and bury my face in my hands, sobbing. I can't believe what I've done to him! I can't believe it! I don't deserve to be alive, he does! I should've died, had it been either of us! He was so young, he had a life to live, he had dreams to chase! I've outgrown all of mine, especially because all mine included my best friend and baby brother being by my side!

I get up, feeling weak with sobs, and walk to the kitchen. Maybe if I have something to eat I'll feel better.

That's not true. I'm lying to myself again, just like I have been for AT LEAST TEN FUCKING YEARS! By the time I reach the kitchen I feel hysterical with grief and sadness and anger at my own stupid self! It doesn't matter how high I graduated or how long I went to school, I'M A FUCKING IDIOT! I got him KILLED!

Without thinking I grab one of our sharp steak knives and hold it up to my arm.

No, no, Platinum will see me do this. Geronimo will see. They'll all see, and I can't have that if I ever want to pick myself up off the ground. Instead I take the hem of my shirt and pull it upwards, and decide that nobody'll ever undress me enough to see the scars.

Then I cut.

The pain is excruciating, but it's exactly what I deserve! I deserve MORE, in fact, but I can't make myself do anything else except for dig the knife deep into my stomach and running it across, so many times that I feel sick and ready to pass out. Eventually I curl up in a puddle of blood and the black spots finally cover my vision as I pass out.

I wake up on my own and still right in the position where I was left. I feel so weak it's not even funny. I get up and get the tiniest bite to eat, though I'm not really hungry. I can't stop thinking about Jericho…

I stand and then hesitantly take a look at the damage I did to my stomach.

And I almost throw up, it's so ugly and terrible. I already regret that, and it just adds to the dark, heavy void of depression in my backpack. I get dressed in my nice clothes carefully, and before I get on the train to District 1, I go to the only people I know can even start to help me through this.

Mark looks tired when I answer the door, but he lets me in and soon Geronimo is right behind him. Geronimo, who barely had time to get ready because of my surprise visit, has messed up hair, and his naturally red stubble peeks out from his chin. "Walt, you look awful," he says.

"Jericho's DEAD!" I shout, and the tears come back almost instantly. Geronimo immediately wraps his arms around me tightly, but Mark looks confused. "What?"

"MY BROTHER HUNG HIMSELF!" I shout again, this time into the crook of Geronimo's neck. I hear the sounds of Mark crying and eventually picking up his cat and stroking her rhythmically, over and over again. Geronimo hugs me and rubs my back gently, "It's going to be Ok," he whispers. All I can do is sob because I know it's not the truth.

My watch rings soon enough and I wipe my eyes before whispering, "I have to catch my train. But…Thanks."

Geronimo hangs down his head and says, "We'll talk more later."

Mark suddenly speaks up, sniffling and inhaling with tears in between words, "Do- you- want- me- to- come- as- your- camera-man?"

I try to smile but can't and just shake my head and mumble, "Thanks, though."

As I walk out the door, I hear Mark's sobs.

Every night, I light candles for them.

For everyone in my life that's died.

There are probably too many, but I suppose that's life, right?

First, I light a blood red candle. It represents the young Nate McIalwain. I interviewed him once; he had no idea of my connection to Platinum. Nate was immature, young, innocent, undeserving of the fate he got. I can't believe everything he went through… I can't imagine it.

After that, I usually light the pure white candle. It represents the pure-as-snow Osmium. Platinum's son, with his good share of quirks, but the most loving and innocent person to walk this earth. Os radiated love to everyone he saw, even if he was protective of his father. He always meant well, and he always smiled, a little like me. He died in the Games, but I want his memory to live on.

Thirdly, I light the pink candle. It represents my parents. The pink symbolizes the love that they shared together, so sweet and natural. They were always meant to be together, and they both knew it. Even in Heaven, I know that they'll be together.

I will almost always light the purple candle last. It represents my brother. His favorite color was purple; he wore it every day of his short life, even when he was nothing but a baby and I was just a little kid. He had a wonderful smile and sometimes wore so much make-up it was goofy, but we both got a laugh out of it. Missing him gave me the ugly red lines that still live on my stomach today, and my heart still hurts to think about all that he's been through.

Late into the night, though, the flames grow weak, flicker away, and die, leaving me in the darkness.

Just like them.