Chapter 9

"That's not you," Kensi said as she leaned forward and pressed PAUSE.

"It is me," Callen sighed, his shoulders slumping as he paced back and forth in front of her. "I don't remember it at all, but it's me."

She swiveled in her chair to watch him. "It must have been the drugs they gave you. They made you do those things."

"Kens..."

"No, just...wait. There's gotta be something in your bloodwork from the hospital. Whatever they gave you, it made you do things you'd never do."

"Kens...there's no..."

"Because I know you, and that is not you."

"Kens!" He finally shouted, and she looked up at him.

"What?"

"We've been over this. It's me."

"Physically, maybe, but not mentally. You'd never do that if you were in your right mind."

"So you're saying that whatever that drug was, it made me try to...assault...Nell?"

"Yes."

"Okay, so let's roll with that. What if it had been Deeks in there with me? Or Sam?"

"I don't...You probably would've tried to beat them up or something."

"So if it was a guy I would've just tried to beat them up, but since it was a woman, my mind decided rape was the way to go?!"

"No..."

"Then why?"

"I don't know!" She shouted. Then, she sighed. "I'm not...Callen, look, this is Nate's specialty, okay? I'm just trying to help."

He started pacing again. "I know, Kens. I'm sorry."

She watched him for a good five minutes in silence, her eyes following him as he moved from left to right and then left again, and then finally she sighed and called his name.

"Callen."

He glanced at her. "What?"

"Stop."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because if I stop moving I'll start thinking about the tape..."

As he passed her again, Kensi got to her feet. When he turned around to come back she stood in front of him, blocking his way. He stared into her eyes, his own filling with tears. "...and how I hurt Nell and I just can't..."

She wrapped her arms around him and he laid his forehead on her shoulder, silent tears soaking into her plaid shirt. "It wasn't your fault," she soothed, her hand stroking his back. "They did this, all of it. Nell doesn't blame you. None of us do."

"I remember her face, the fear in her eyes, and I just feel sick. I haven't eaten in days because I'm afraid I'll start puking and never stop, but I feel like even that's too good for me."

Kensi couldn't stop her own tears from falling down her face. Squeezing him tighter, she said, "You need to talk to her, Callen."

He shook his head. "I can't. I can barely even look at Sam without feeling all kinds of guilty, and he wasn't even there."

"She needs you," she argued. "You're the only one who truly understands what happened there, because you were there together."

"No." He shook his head again. "She doesn't need me. She needs someone who didn't hurt her. You, or Deeks, or Hetty..."

"You're wrong," Nell's voice said from the doorway, and they both turned to look at her standing there. Her hands were clasped tightly together in front of her, and Callen took it to mean she was nervous, that she was afraid of him.

"Nell?" Kensi asked.

The redhead smiled at her. "Hey, Kensi. Could I...?"

Kensi glanced at Callen and then back at Nell before nodding. "Sure. I'll be downstairs."

Trapped, as the only exit was now behind Nell's back, Callen stood still in the middle of the room, his eyes never leaving her small frame. Her eyes, however, were fixed on the screen above him, where the slightly grainy video was frozen on the image of Callen leaning over her.

"Hmm..." was all she said.

"Nell..." he whispered, afraid of what her reaction to the image would be.

"Y'know, if you didn't know better, you'd think that was a picture of two people in love."

She came forward and shut off the screen, then stood in front of Callen. He eyed the door as if he were ready to make a break for it, and she chuckled. Reaching up, she put her hands on either side of his face and made him look at her. She wasn't angry anymore, not at him, anyway.

"I do need you, Callen," she said softly.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," he said, blinking back more tears.

She shook her head. "It wasn't your fault."

"I would never..."

"I know. I knew it the moment I looked up into your eyes and saw..." She paused and bit her lower lip, her brow furrowed as she tried to find the right words to explain.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing. They were blank. Cold. They weren't you at all. It wasn't you hurting me." She lightly pushed on his shoulders, forcing him to sit in her swivel chair, and then stood in front of him with his hand between both of hers. "It was like you were...gone...but not really."

"Nell, I..."

"Callen, I still trust you. Nothing can change that."

"But..."

"I realize this makes absolutely no sense to you..."

He nodded mutely, his blue eyes clearly confused, and she bit back a smile.

"And that no matter what I say, you are going to feel responsible for what happened."

"Because I..." She put her fingers to his lips, cutting him off.

"But just the same, you're forgiven."

Too overcome with emotion to speak, Callen stood up and grasped her hands in his. As he pulled her against his chest, she slipped her arms around him in return and he sighed in relief.

As did Hetty. Watching from outside Ops, she finally felt as if Callen would be okay. Maybe not right away, but soon.

"Why did you hide from me?" Nell asked into his shirt. "Because of this?"

He nodded. "I had this dream, and then I realized that it really happened and I was so horrified that I couldn't...I didn't know what to do."

"You didn't need to run away," she told him. "We could've worked through it together."

"I thought if you knew..."

"But I do know. I remember everything, but it doesn't change anything."

"Why?"

"You don't remember?"

Callen shook his head. "Remember what?"

"Watch the rest."

He looked at her like she had two heads, and Nell giggled. "Press PLAY, silly. And turn the screen back on."

Callen moved to press the button, but then turned back to her. "Only if you'll stay."

She dipped her red head in a nod. "Of course."

Callen turned the monitor on. The image popped back up on the screen, and when he pressed PLAY it jumped back to life.

For a moment, it seemed Nell would try to fight against him again, but then something in her eyes changed, and instead she slipped her bound hands up under his dirty t-shirt, her palms flat against his torso. He responded by grabbing the hem of her shirt and tugging it upward, and she was forced to pull her hands back out so he could pull it up and expose her jet black bra. His mouth greedily covered hers, but rather than pull away she returned the kiss with just as much fervor, her knees brushing the outsides of his thighs in a rhythmic motion that only excited him more. He said something in her ear and at first she blushed a deep shade of red, but she quickly recovered and nodded her head. As she looped her arms around his neck, he reached down to grab hold of her behind. He ground his hips against hers and she threw her head back, her eyes closed as what looked like a gasp of pleasure escaped her.

Their bliss was short-lived, however. The men stepped in to stop them, dragging Callen away from her despite her pleas for them to leave him alone. Callen tried to fight them, but three men would have given him trouble on a normal day; with his weakened state he could do little but thrash in their grasp. They chained him back up in his usual spot, kicked his injured leg for good measure, then went back to the camera and shut it off.

Callen sat there, eyebrows knitted in confusion. "I don't understand. Why?"

"Because," Nell explained, "they were counting on me being unwilling. They thought it would be more fun to watch you do what they'd done to me. But when I didn't cooperate, when I seemed to be enjoying it, they ended the experiment."

He frowned darkly, so she reached over and took his hand. "It's okay."

"It's not. You had to pretend to be okay with it so I wouldn't..."

Nell shook her head. "I wasn't." When he wouldn't look at her, she gently pressed her fingers against his cheek and turned his face toward her. "Callen, I wasn't pretending."

His blue eyes grew wide, and she blushed furiously and ducked her head.

"You...wait..."

"I just..." She took a breath. "Wow, this is hard."

"So, but you know..."

"It's...not allowed," she finished for him. "Yeah, I know."

He sank down into the swivel chair and ran his hand through his hair. "I had no idea."

"I know." Nervous, she twisted her hands and sighed, then said, "I don't...I shouldn't have said anything. This was...I should just go."

Nell turned to leave, but Callen caught her by the wrist and kept her there.

"Nell, wait."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I put you in a bad spot just now, and it's not fair of me. You're the team leader and you have enough to worry about and I just..."

"It just caught me off-guard," he told her.

"Yeah, well..." She gently pulled out of his grasp and took a step back. "It kind of slipped out. But I don't want anything to change. We have a great team, and I don't want to jeopardize that. Just forget I said anything, okay?"

Before he could reply, she left Ops. Left him sitting there, in her chair.

"I wasn't pretending."

She'd said that. He was sure he hadn't been imagining it.

And then, not more than a minute later, "...forget I said anything."

Well, that was impossible. If only she'd stuck around a minute longer, she would've known...

"Everything okay?" Kensi's voice asked from the doorway, and Callen's head jerked up to look at her.

"Yeah," he said, a little too quickly, but beside a lift of her eyebrow she let his reply pass without comment.

"You hungry? We're hitting up the taco truck down the street."

He nodded. "Sure."

Anything to get his mind on something else.

TBC...