Title: Darling, You'll Be Okay
Rating: M
Summary: Her life had never been perfect. In fact, it had been the complete opposite. After years of constant bullying, dirty looks, and insecurities, Brittany has finally comes to terms that her life will not get any better. That is until she transfers schools, moves to a different city, and meets one smoking hot waitress named Santana Lopez. Girl-Peen!
Disclaimers: This story is loosely based off of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower AND the song Mine (which Naya Rivera rocked). I own no characters, except for the ones I create. Nor should I have credit for some of the similarities between the two things stated above.
A/N: Hi Guys! I'm sorry it's been taking so dang long for me to write. I've just been working my lovely two jobs that leave me with absolutely NO days off. That, and I always have to get up at ungodly hours to take my roommate to work since they don't have a car. I'm talking; going to bed at 3am and getting up at 5am. NOT FUN. But since I decided I probably won't sleep, tonight, that I would update. This is sort of another filter, with a little bit of a time jump and I'm sorry I keep dancing around the issue, but I'll get there, when my brain is fully functional and sane. Anyway, I have a question to ask all of you, that maybe you can answer. I'll leave it at the bottom of the story!
Just that gesture made you think, really made you think that maybe Santana Lopez would be really good for you, after all. You think that maybe, just maybe, she can help you through all of this and you can help her through her problems, together. Just the two of you against the world; no cares in the world. And maybe, just maybe, she was your Molly. Or maybe she is so much more.
The thought initially scares you. The thought that Santana could be so much more than Molly was to you, because you had lost Molly and you weren't willing to give up Santana as well.
The only other thing that scares you is that you can tell, you can tell how Santana feels about you and you know she cares. You have this gut feeling that Santana is going to be the one, but you don't want to follow the instinct just yet. What if she lets you down? What if she leaves, just like Molly did? So many unanswered questions and to be honest, you were scared shitless of what may happen.
You know that you want Santana, you're just thinking of all of the horrible things that could happen. It's not that you're being pessimistic, you're just being realistic. You think she understands, though, because as the two of you are sitting at the lake for the second time in 24 hours, she's holding you. She's being protective of you and you feel so safe, a feeling you're not used to. But you like it, you like her so much and she's being supportive of you.
"Are you sure you're okay, Britt?" She asks when she's noticed that you've been silent for the last 20 minutes.
"I had a really bad flashback this morning." You finally speak up. You sigh, you know it's only been four months since the accident, but it's still a lot for you to take in.
Santana's fingers caress your knuckles and you shut your eyes tightly. "Do you have flashbacks often?"
"More recently than anything." You reply. She gives you a concerned look, but she doesn't press any further and you respect her for that.
"You know, whatever troubles you've been through in the past, they're in the past," she starts, "and I know that letting go and giving in just enough to trust someone is a hard task. I'll be here for you, though, when you're ready."
You nod because you're not too sure what else you can really do. She's telling you that you're worth the wait. She's letting you know that while it may take some time for you to move on from your past, specifically, Molly; that she will be here for you. She's got you and she's not going anywhere, and you know she means it because of the look she's giving you. You ponder on the fact of telling her what happened, but it's so much bigger than just that. You, once again, think of the consequences and the fact that this detail about your life could make her take a step away. But you're starting to trust her. Almost a week into knowing her and she already has this effect on you.
You both sit in silence for a little while longer and you finally decide that it's time. The longer you dwell on the accident, the harder it'll be to let go.
"It was five months ago, right before I moved here. April 8th, to be precise. I was on my way to the mountains with my best friend." You inhale and then exhale sharply, leaving out the small detail that you knew deep in your heart that you and Molly were more than just friends. "We got hit by this huge Suburban. The driver had run a stop sign and t-boned us."
You stop because you're brought back to the flashback you had early. You try your hardest not to cry, but your voice begins to tremble. "She didn't make it. She passed away on the drive to the hospital and I- I didn't even say goodbye or tell her that I loved her. She was the only person I had, and she was stripped away from me. I didn't know how to handle it, at all. She meant so much to me and the last thing I said to her when she was still alive was 'Wake up, I know you can hear me.' I didn't even weigh in the fact that this was the last thing she'd be able to subconsciously hear from me. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't get her out of the car, I couldn't give her CPR, I couldn't save her." A few streaks of tears run down your cheek and Santana's grip on you has tightened, but you know you have to continue. "I'm just scared. I'm terrified of losing everything good that happens to me. I've never had an easy life. I was bullied, I was hit, I was taunted and spit on. She took all of that bad away. And when she left me, when she left me… I fell apart. I can't even look out for myself. I'll always just be that girl who can take a hit, fake a smile, and only let it eat me alive when I'm alone. I'm just downright pathetic."
You stop because you're about ready to start sobbing and you know your weak voice can't produce any more words. Santana sighs deeply, turning her whole entire body to face you. She runs the pads of her thumbs across your cheeks and wipes away the tears.
"You're not pathetic, Brittany." Her soothing voice says. "You're brave. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't have told anyone besides my family about what you've endured. But you're telling me and I know you know it's huge step for you. I'm just glad that you can be open with me, Brittany. It takes a lot of courage. It's hard to lose the ones we love or the ones we're in love with, in any context of the loss."
You sigh, trying to let the sobs calm down so you can breathe properly again. She knows. You didn't even have to say it straightforwardly and she knows that you and Molly were in love. This makes you want to cry more, but you try your hardest not to.
"It's okay, Britt. I got you." Santana whispers in your ear. "Just let it all out." And you do. You bury your face in the crook of her neck, her safety and comfort radiating onto you, and you weep. You cry so hard, you know her shirt is soaked, but none of that matters. You trust her. You know she's the best thing to happen to you since Molly.
"I don't want to fall in love with you and then lose you..." You mumble into her neck and your eyes suddenly widen when you realize what you've said. You just mentioned that you wanted to fall in love with her, but you had your obvious reasons for why you didn't want to. It was an honest mistake, but you silently curse yourself and hope she barely heard you. She hears it clearly. She pulls your face away from your neck and looks at you with such adoration. She leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to your cheek.
"Unless I am faced with something I cannot change, I'm going to be right here." She draws breath in for a moment before exhaling sharply. "Look, Brittany, I know we just met, but there was something about you. Something I couldn't keep away from. It's like we were supposed to meet the way we did and go at the pace we're going. I'm willing to wait until you're ready, for anything, because you are worth that wait to me. You've made me realize that the people who have had it bad are the strongest and most courageous people. I wish I was like you. I just changed my appearance and ran away from all of my problems, but you... You just faced one of the worst moments of your life; you relived it just to tell me. You are strong. And I'm not going anywhere."
"Just don't promise me... Because Molly promised me right before the accident that she'd never leave and she did," you deadpan. You didn't mean to sound harsh towards Santana, you're just too guarded.
"I'll promise you that as long as I can help it, I will be standing right here. But we all know there are things out of our control and I don't want you to hold it against me." Santana admits. "I like you so fucking much, Brittany. I'm scared, too. We'll get through this, together, okay?"
A half smile forms on your face and you nod in agreement, "Okay." And with that, you press a soft kiss to her lips.
/
You're smiling uncontrollably and you know it had something to do with the beautiful Latina who's singing along to the stereo. She's tried getting you to join in, but you're not much of a vocalist and you don't want your off key voice to ruin her inspiring one.
"You seem to be able to do everything," you chuckle as she holds a high note that you'd sound like a dying horse trying to hit. "You can sing, make me feel safe, make me laugh and smile, and the list goes on. Is there anything you can't do?"
"I can't skateboard, snowboard, play sports, do more than 15 push-ups. And I..." Her voice trails off. "Promise you won't make fun of me?"
You hold your pinky finger out and with a smile plastered to your face, you say, "Pinky promise."
She links her pinky with yours and sighs. "I can't swim." The grip she has on your pinky tightens, like she's waiting for you to start laughing at her any moment now. You think it's cute though.
"I'll teach you." Is the first thing you can think of saying. "I won't let you drown, kind of like you won't let me do the same in my problems."
"Together, right?" She asks with a hopeful smile on her face.
"Together." You repeat before eyeing her. If it weren't for the fact that she was driving, you'd lean over and kiss her. But you don't want to cause an accident because you're scared shitless of them. You go back to looking out the windshield at all the traffic. You always hated looking out the window, because everything that went wrong a few months ago happened while you were looking out the window. You know that you're now doing so subconsciously to make sure that nothing bad like that happens again. Instead of looking at the scenery, you now watch the cars on the street and mentally calculate everything the other cars are doing.
Usually, this makes you very uncomfortable, but as soon as Santana's hand reaches across the center console to grab yours, you instantly feel better.
/
A Couple Weeks Later
You are sitting in your room, crunching for a Calculus test that you know you'll fail if you don't spend the entire night studying, when there's a soft knock on the door. You slightly acknowledge the person at your bedroom door's existence and mumble a 'come in', keeping concentrated on your notes.
When you hear the door open, you turn around to see Kaitlyn with the dorkiest smile on her face and her hands behind her back.
"Okay… what is it?" You groan, not wanting to deal with your now overbearing sister. Ever since you started hanging out with Santana, Kaitlyn wants to know every detail of your not-there-yet, but-getting-close relationship. She honestly will not stop bugging you and you're about ready to throw something at her. This is odd behavior, even for Kaitlyn. She usually paid no mind to you, but now, she's all up in your business like she owns it.
"Oh, you know. Just checking in on my baby sister… I want to know how things with Santana are going." She smirks.
"I told you, yesterday." You mumble.
"I know… and that was all well and everything, Britt, but you got something, today." Kaitlyn slowly brings her hands from behind her back to reveal a small bouquet of flowers.
Your eyes widen a little because you haven't gotten flowers since… Since Molly passed away. Part of you wants to cry because that makes you really sad, but the other part of you wants to cry because it makes you really happy.
"Wow…" Is all you can get out and Kaitlyn just keeps smiling widely.
"I think you're 'not-relationship' is starting to become one." Kaitlyn mentions.
"Can I be honest with you, Kaitlyn?"
"Never, Britt, that's just what I'm here for," She jokes.
"For once… I actually feel ready to take this on." Kaitlyn runs up and hugs you when the words leave your mouth.
"You've come so far, baby sis. I'm proud of you. I know that getting over," She pauses, knowing that talking about Molly is still touchy, "her… is really difficult, but I like Santana. I think that she's perfect for you."
She hands you the flowers that Santana had sent before leaving your room, giving you a sly smile (indicating that she totally knows something). Attached to the flowers was a little note saying, "It's okay, I got you."
At first, you're wondering why she would give you such a message, because it doesn't quite make sense. You brush it off for a little bit until you think back to Kaitlyn's smile, the one she gave you before she left the room. The one that said 'You're taking this quite well; I know what this message is for; and I'm sorry for your loss' all in one. And then, you look at the date on your phone. It was October 8th, exactly six months after Molly had passed away.
You completely forgot about it; and even though you know you want to mope around your bedroom and be depressed and emo, you know you can't. Because now, it's okay; she's got you.
Okay; so for my question. I am literally asking this because I am completely oblivious when it comes to human emotions that have to do with me... BUT
What the fuck does it mean when you have this friend; and you were seeing her for awhile... and then you stopped seeing each other because they didn't know what they wanted, then told them that you're better off friends... and then one day, when you're walking to the car, they randomly grab your hand and lace their fingers with yours as you walk? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? DOES SHE LIKE ME, OR DOES SHE THINK THIS IS WHAT 'JUST FRIENDS' DO?
WHY WAS THE QUESTION A GIANT RUN-ON SENTENCE?
WHAT IS LIFE?
WHY CAN'T I BE MORE ADAPT TO HUMAN FEELINGS?
That is all... you don't have to answer that spew of question, but yeah. That happened to me the other day. She just grabbed my hand like it was routine and now I'm confused, because we both agreed it's 'just friends' and now she's confusing the situation between us. She's always telling me she'll miss me, but we never talk about any sort of feelings towards each other. GIRLS ARE CONFUSING.
Welp, that was my rant. You can review if you want, but I don't do this for the reviews. I do this because BRITTANA IS ALWAYS ON.