I usually tend to stay away from the Hob. I try, but tonight I make an exception. I don't really tell Willow and Mom and Caroline where I'm going (which is become much more common nowadays), and make the walk to the District's Black Market.

"Dennis?" I see him at a table, sitting by himself, a bottle of alcohol in his hands. The bar is deserted, and I wonder what kind of shouting he did to get time by himself. He looks up, his cloudy gray eyes stone-hard at first.

"Stallosky," he mutters, putting his head down and covering it with his arms, "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I should check on you." A heavy feeling fills my stomach and lungs. I thought I'd see him like this.

"What'd you expect to see?"

Something much worse, that's for sure.

"Y-You're okay? Physically?"

"You think I'd ruin my tats with ugly scars?" he asks, his voice edging on ice-cold.

"What about those parts you haven't?"

"None of your business. Where do you think I'd get a knife, anyways?"

An image of bleeding wounds flashes before my eyes and I shake it away, not willing to relive this scene again.

"Desperate people get creative," I say, hoping it doesn't sound as strained as it feels.

"Well I'm fine!" Does he think I'm some kind of imbecile!?

I take a seat on a stool next to his. "You look the opposite of fine."

There's a pause. Dennis doesn't look up at me. I'm sure he's got a pounding headache considering the bottle in his hands is empty.

"He's dead." I never thought I'd hear Dennis Kasparek sound so hurt. I try to do my best to keep away from that subject for the moment.

"Why'd you scare everyone away from the Hob?"

"I couldn't find a place to be alone. My Dad's squabbling at me to stop being such a pussy, and I'll quickly be shooed away from any other place I try to be alone at."

"Well, there is no scaring me away." He looks up at me, glaring. I keep my face stone-hard. There's no way I'm leaving him.

"You don't get it."

"What makes you think I don't!?"

"Because I know you don't!" he sounds so hurt. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I have to keep being strong, strong like I was when the rest of my family was a sobbing mess after the mine explosion, strong like I was when I was whipped, strong like I was when Willow or Mom or sometimes even Caroline crept into my bed complaining of nightmares… I have to resist the urge to get drunk off my ass and be there for Dennis.

I owe it to him.

Orlick was a part of the team, he was a constantly smiling face, he always had a nice thought for everyone, even our oppressors. He was young, he was brave, he fought a good battle…

"He was so strong…" Dennis says into the table. "He was kind and brave. He was happy and cute. Charming and considerate… He was everything I wasn't. How the hell is it that I'm sitting here drunk and he's gone?"

"Sometimes people are taken from us that don't deserve it." Hold it together, Sylvester. Hold it together.

"Yeah, I know that now."

"We can't give up just because of that, though."

"I was going to apologize. I was going to set things right. Seeing those eyes he gave to that boy from Three… those wide, smiling eyes he never gave to me… It made me see how much I hurt him. I had so much to say to him, and now he's gone!" He buries his face again, and by the way his chest moves it's not hard to see that he's crying.

"You can't let this eat away at you forever."

"I hurt him, Sylvester! I hurt him badly! I hurt him so bad he didn't smile when we talked at all!" He hides his face and I can hear his hyperventilating breaths as he cries into his arms. I rub circles on his back gently.

"You know better now."

"That doesn't matter! Things will never be right again! I can never trust myself again! I'm a monster, I can't love anyone!"

I don't even have to think about it, "You do."

He sits up and whips around to face me. "Shut up, you don't know me!"

"I know you well, Dennis Kasparek! I know you better than anyone knows you." I lower my voice, not allowing myself to get angry yet. He just passed this afternoon, and I know better than anyone that the hurt and regret and guilt that comes with that takes much longer than just a couple hours to go away.

"If you know me so well then you'd know that I hurt everything, everyone that I get involved with! I can't be trusted, I hurt everyone that surrounds me, I can't love!"

"Willow."

"What?"

"You love Willow. You fight for her and protect her. You beat up bitches that put her down. It may not be in a romantic way, but you love her."

"Th-That-"

"What about me?" I look at him curiously.

"That's-"

"You and I, we're a team. You're like my brother. We look out for each other. Do we not?"

"We do, but…"

"See? You love me, too, and you don't hurt me."

"Yeah, but…"

"You loved Bannister, too."

"No I didn't." His voice goes from on the brink of believing back to its cold denial.

"Yes you did! And it was obvious, too."

"I didn't love the kid!" Tears start up again, angry, hurt tears that I understand surprisingly. He tries to hold them back but of course he can't.

"We could all see how much you did. It was obvious in the way that you looked at him. The way you held him like he was worth more than the most valuable thing in all of Panem. The way you laughed genuinely at his jokes. The affection in your voice when you called him Coffeecake. The smile on your face when you kissed his nose. The way your eyes sparkled when he complimented you. You loved Orlick, Dennis, you really loved him-"

He cuts me short with a loud shout and a hard slap across the face, "I HURT HIM! I HURT THE KID!"

I blink in shock, not sure how to react, as the stinging dies down a little bit and I feel a kind of painful warmth.

"I…I…I'm so sorry Sylvester…" I don't have time to react before he jumps off his stool and runs out of the Hob.

After that, I wander. I can't go back home now, I have to wait for the redness to die down a little bit. I know I should find Dennis and talk to him some more, but I have no idea where to start looking. I highly doubt he's at home, so I wander aimlessly around the Seam for a while, trying to wrap my mind around what the hell's going to happen to us.

When I look up, I see a young boy and hear the shaking of a spray can. He can't be too young, I suppose, possibly 12 or 13. I've seen his work around the District, but I guess I expected him to be closer to my age.

He wears a beanie and a jacket that's way too big for him, working on one of the walls of a building that's been recently abandoned due to the owners dying of your normal District 12 causes: malnutrition, water poisoning, starvation, disease… In this pig-hole, you really never know.

He looks up, gray eyes wide, when he hears my footsteps. Citizens aren't exactly supposed to be out this late at night.

"Oh…"

"No worries, kid," I say quietly. I'm not great at talking to people I don't know, in fact it's something that aggravates me greatly, but I can't get out of this situation without saying a few words.

"Hm." He shakes a can and gets to work painting the wall. I look for Dennis, but every once in a while I look over at his work. I think he was close with the girl that went in the Games, and I'll bet that's why such a young kid would risk being out at this hour.

I can only hope Dennis keeps himself safe from the whip. The last thing I need is for something like that to happen to him. Even worse, the possibility that he might bleed under his own blade… No, no no no no, that can't…

I wander until even the little Pardo kid's disappeared back to his house. I give up and just hope that Dennis comes to work the next morning unharmed…

~.~.

The snow falls from the sky and the wind is cold. We have to stand outside while the 73rd Victor makes a speech to us. His eyes don't wander from the notecard he holds in his fingers. I try to find Dennis, but the ceremony starts before I find the opportunity too.

It's a miserable ordeal. But I can't crack. Willow dissolves into a sobbing mess in my arms, and all I can do is hold her and try to make her feel better. I hope maybe the warmth of my embrace could help her, the poor girl….

After Geno's speech, I walk with my family back to the house. The heating there isn't great, but it's better than a lot of people have. I practically carry Willow inside, and help the others get situated before I grab a scarf (it's nice; we got it back when we were able to feed ourselves) and head back out in the cold, wearing a coat that used to be my Dad's.

I go to the Hob first, and I find him there again. Dennis has been worrying me lately. He hasn't been working, I haven't seen him do anything but sit in the Hob and occasionally drink. Today, it seems that nobody was brave enough to come here, and if they were, he shooed them off.

"Dennis…" It's been 6 months… I know this is hard for him, it's hard for all of us, but he hasn't even been trying….

He looks up. "I beat Haggerman to a pulp," he says quietly, his voice sounding scratchy from screaming.

"Oh…" I take the bottle from his hands and put it off to the side. "Dennis… You and I need to talk."

"What about?" His voice sounds colder and angrier than when we spoke here, close to 6 months ago.

"About this whole thing with Orlick. I know you're upset-"

"What about it!? Didn't I just tell you I beat up Haggerman!?" he shouts. I'm not letting him discard the topic so quickly.

"No, not about that. I'm talking about you in relation to that."

"What about me!?"

"You've been doing nothing but sitting around and drinking for six months now." I know Dennis, sometimes you just have to be a little harsh to get him to listen to your point. He's used to so much crap from his Dad that he's good at shrugging things off.

"That's not true!"

"What have you done?"

He stays quiet, looking away.

"Exactly."

"What's so bad about that? It's not like I have anyone to fight for anymore! It's not like people like me anymore!"

"You know that's not true, Dennis Kasparek." Hot anger starts to form in my gut. Anger, stress, fear, grief, everything that's been building up in me for years and years.

"I'm a terrible person, even you know that, Stallosky! I have no worth, no purpose, my Dad was right!"

"There are people in this District that need you!" The hot emotions almost feel as if they're putting pressure on my chest and pushing upwards toward my throat. I know then that there is no more holding them back.

"That's a lie!"

"Whatever happened with you and Orlick, whatever thing that you did to him, it's in the past! Orlick is gone! No matter what you wanted to say, or do, no matter what, it's done now! It's all in the past! You think I don't stay up sometimes wondering why I didn't hug my Dad that day!?" I try to hold back the emotions, I really try.

"You're damn lucky you don't have a Dad!" shouts Dennis, "I'd love to be in your shoes!"

The rational part of me knows that he only said it from his grief and probably doesn't mean it.

But, in that moment, after hearing those words that drive a dagger through my heart, I immediately lose my head.

I don't even hesitate to let go of those emotions, and I raise my voice for the first time in 18 years of my sorry life in this God-forsaken District. "You shut the hell up about my father! Quit whining about your shitty family life, at least you have one!" I know I shouldn't be saying these things, but I've had enough of keeping all my feelings locked away, dammit!

"Why are you even here!? Just to call me out and explode on me!?"

"No, I'm here to get you off your ass and working again! Willow needs you! Caroline needs you! My Mom, your Dad, Orlick's parents, they need you! I need you!" Tears threaten to push out of my eyes and I don't stop them. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. "They're all looking to ME, Dennis!" Anger starts to fade into fear and grief, I try to focus on breathing but the tears aren't going to stop any time soon. My voice cracks when I speak, "I can't do this all on my own… I need you to help me…"

"So you finally admit it," his voice doesn't quiver at all. "You can't do this all on your own, Stallosky! It's humanly impossible! So stop being a stubborn-ass, and let us help you! You can't take care of so many people, you'll work yourself and starve yourself to death!"

I swallow hard. He's right, especially about that last part. I need to get them all fed… But I need Dennis to take care of them when I'm gone.

"I see that now…" I say quietly, avoiding his eyes. He can't know what I'm planning.

"We can do things for ourselves, so let us do them! You're not alone! Why the hell did you have to fucking explode on me and not just get to that point!?"

The rage comes back, the negative emotions, they overwhelm me, it all becomes too much, how DARE he ask me a question like that!

"Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because I'm 18 and I can't even read! Maybe it's because I miss Orlick too! Maybe it's because I've been forced to wear a dumb straight-faced mask for 18 years to keep my Mom and both my sisters from having panic attacks EVERY DAMN NIGHT OF MY LIFE!"

I don't like being angry but soon it blinds my completely and I just keep spewing out words. "Maybe it's because I became the head of the family when I was 13 years old, and went into work at 12! Maybe it's because I still have nightmares and I have to dry my eyes as soon as I wake up! Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the reapings, for you and for Caroline! Maybe it's because I still get teased when I walk past the schoolyard! Maybe it's because I've been all on my own for these past couple of months, constantly worrying about finding you dead by your own hand the next day!" He gasps a little bit but I don't even stop, raising my voice in frustration, "MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M GAY AND I'M SUCH A COWARD I CAN'T EVEN TELL MY OWN FAMILY!"

With that one statement, my anger and hurt and fear and grief disappear quite suddenly, and I'm left looking at Dennis's wide gray eyes, a hand covering my mouth because shit, that was not supposed to come out.

All I can do now is beg quietly, "D-Don't tell Willow." I can't have her hate me, that would destroy me for good… I can't stand to hear what Dennis says about it (yeah, yeah, I know he's gay too, but still I don't need his I told you so's right now)…

As soon as I plead him to keep it secret, I turn around and run. I run to the abandoned part of the Seam, a place where no one will find me, a place where I can cry my eyes out and try to figure out how I'm going to put my world back together before it ends for good, hoping that Dennis will take care of my family after I'm gone forever, hoping that he tells nobody about my secret, ever…

Oh God, oh God, oh God… I'm in deep shit now.

Oh well, I think, At least I won't have much more time left on this earth with these people to worry about it…