Glitch

I will forever be known as that one kid that cried during training. And that one little kid that flipped out at interviews.

I will never forgive my escort for giving me booze. I will never forgive myself.

After seeing Fuj and trying to accept my death, the Career boy just made it too much. But I still hate myself. I'll bet all the tributes pity me now.

What a stupid concept. Pity. I don't want any of it. I should've been stronger, and since I was weak, I paid the price. That's it. I don't want their pity, I deserved it. I deserve the flack.

Besides, I'm dead. After watching the reapings (subconsciously nestled into Kara's side), I knew I was dead. Accepting that is the hard part.

The woman in charge of training gave her speech. The older tributes (Pomponius, mostly) looked annoyed, but I felt relieved at the rules.

In fact, I was perfectly fine in that moment.

I was all fine and dandy, until I saw them.

I was at the berry test, trying my very best to focus and learn, when I noticed a couple of Avoxes carrying boxes to the kitchen. And they were there. Their hair was pulled in a tight bun, and they carried the box easily with no strain.

X.

And that's when I was ready to cry. It was such a sorry scene. I knew I would see them sometime, but that didn't mean I was ready for it.

When they came back through the center with other Avoxes to get another box, they saw me.

"X. Fujita. Fuj." He nodded on the last one.

"What-" he shook his haead a bit and hurriedly kept walking.

Well, at least he knew I remembered him. Even though I tested perfectly with the berries, I stayed over there. I stayed through that morning and through the afternoon, hoping for just another glance at him.

For eye contact.

To try and tell him to not beat himself up about it.

I tested perfect again, but my nerves only faded slightly. Suddenly, I noticed someone testing on the other side of me. Someone much taller than me.

I froze up. Why would the volunteer from One be here?! He's a Krietzer!

I had some vivid memories of the Krietzer Games. Both ended in betrayal. And this guy, Os, punched some other guy right in the face to gain access to this death pageant.

Of course I was scared shitless. It got worse when he tried to talk to me. That was the big trigger. Memories of the first time I was unable to get a sentence out, memories of Tom and Sheila, memories of the reaping and the night before it, of the sentence of the Arachnid trials, of getting beat up and abused and molested just to get sent away to inevitable death…

It felt like I was dying right there, and crying out seemed to be the only way to be sure I was breathing and alive. So I cried like a baby. Cried and begged for mercy.

Bile pushed out of my throat and I took off to the bathroom. Humiliation complete.

.

I sit out on the balcony. Our escort yelled at me for my awful training score. Then gave me alcohol to prevent a panic attack before interviews. And I spilled my guts in front of the entire nation. Great.

I curl up into a tight ball, and the tears come again. I hate being such a fucking crybaby.

Seeing X so worn-down, being laughed at and screamed at, knowing that I'm going to die in a matter of days… I've cried before (more than I'd want), but never like this. Usually, my tears are shed in a state of numb misery, but today they threaten to choke me.

I cry for what seems like an eternity before I begin to get ahold of myself. After a while of quiet whimpering, I hear footsteps and look up.

"Hey." Kara sits down across from me.

I sniffle, "Hi…" I say quietly.

She takes a seat, tucking her knees to her chest. "You okay?" she asks.

I force a small smile. "Fine." I start crying again, though.

"Yeah?" She doesn't believe me.

"Yeah," I squeak. My voice cracks.

She looks at me. Without all the makeup, she looks a lot younger. Like a real person. Like a normal teenager who was sent off to the Games. Just like me.

"I'm sorry about everything," Kara says.

I'm not sure what she has to be sorry for. I don't want to ask.

"It's fine." I bite my lip to hold back the tears.

"It's not fair," she says.

I know it's not fair. I nod.

She looks at me with soft navy eyes. I know she means well. Or at least for now.

"Come ally with me," she says, "Please."

I mess with my sleeves insecurely, surprised at the offer but touched. "No thanks. I'll be fine on my own." I don't want to put her in danger. I don't want to put anyone in danger.

I already know that they're going to kill me. Somehow, some way. She doesn't need to be pulled into it.

Kara frowns but doesn't push it. "So… That interview."

My ears burn with embarrassment and hatred. "I had a panic attack. They gave me alcohol."

She nods a bit, then there's a short pause. "It's true, isn't it?" she asks. "It's all true."

I nod. "Yeah. It is." I tuck my knees to my chest, in a protective little ball.

"Tom, right?"

My ears, face, and neck burn. I nod.

"And his girlfriend."

I nod. "Sheila. Yeah."

She sigh. "I dated her for a while."

I look up quiet suddenly.

"Y-You're… You…"

She shrugs a bit. "Yeah." She scratches the back of her neck, eyes on the floor, with a small but nervous smile. "I haven't really told anyone. Especially not anyone here."

"Smart." I want to ask her what sexuality, but don't want to push it.

She must see the look in my eyes. "You can ask," she says gently.

"What-"

"Boys don't really get me going, so I think I'm gay."

"You want to talk-"

She nods. "Yeah. I've wanted a friend to chat with for a long while. Feels good to get it off my chest before…"

I nod quickly, knowing what she means. "Yeah." I don't want to talk about it.

There's a pause.

I suddenly blurt out, "I think I'm queer." I dunno where it came from. Every time I wanted to question my sexuality, I pushed the doubts down. Now it's out there.

"Oh, Glitch…" She's pitying me.

"Sh." I don't want to hear it. I curl up defensively, frowning. "I'd… Never tell anyone. I don't trust people and I'm too scared."

Kara looks understanding and nods. "Of course. I'll protect your secret."

"I'll protect yours, too." She smiles a little bit.

After a brief silence, I start to cry again. Dammit. Thoughts of my past lurk to my head. My unavoidable death flashes before my eyes. Out of complete fear, embarrassment, and misery, I cry. I cry until my nose runs, until I'm gasping for breath. I curl up tighter and close my eyes, quieting as my vision turns black.

I feel Kara pick me up, and I black out when she starts walking back to my room.

~.~.

I wake up curled tightly in a pile of snow. Shivering uncontrollably, I make myself sit up.

I'm still alive. I didn't die yesterday.

I force myself up to a standing position, and immediately start searching for wood. I was able to get a backpack and run away from the Cornucopia, by some miracle. I partly wish someone had just killed me then.

I take out a match and light it, setting fire to a pile of relatively dry sticks. I warm my hands through gloves, and my glasses fog with condensation.

I still can't believe I'm alive. I warm myself up, snuggling into the plushy coat. Then I hear footsteps.

I freeze and reach for a weapon I don't have. It's Kara and her ally, the blond (hot) boy from 6.

"C'mon!" Lanchester runs toward me, spear raised.

"Lanchester!" Kara shouts, quickly running to catch up. She grabs him by the hood. "Stop."

My heart pounds. He only slightly lowers his spear. "What?"

"You know what," Kara says gently. Lanchester lowers the spear. "We talked about this," Kara continues. "If it were Raleigh, you wouldn't want me to kill her."

My chest heats up with warm frustration. I hate being pitied.

Lanchester sighs. "Yeah. But he's our competition. He's obviously not helpless." True.

"Kill me," I say, "Do it." I don't want to be spared out of pity.

Kara shakes her head. "Kill Glitch and I kill you." By her tone, I can tell that it's a promise, not a threat.

Lanchester relaxes, putting his weapon away. "Alright."

Damn.

"Glitch," Kara says, walking over to me. "Join us. Come travel with us."

Lanchester looks jealous, certainly not okay with the idea. Again, I can't really go, even if I wanted to.

I can't put anyone else in danger. I know that my death is near. Every day I continue to leave, my death is twenty times more painful. I could do it myself (trust me, I've thought about it), but the Capitol would find a way to put my death on their terms.

That's all they want from me.

And, just like Tom and Sheila and my parents and my cousins and uncle, I am left completely helpless to their will.

"You sure?" Kara knows I'm smart. She knows the only logical option for the small, scrawny boy from 5 is to travel with the older people that know what they're doing. She knows I have a damn good reason for turning down her help. She wants to know why, I'm sure.

I can't tell her, though, for her own safety.

I nod. "I'm sure. I'll be okay. You don't worry about me."

She bites her lip and I quickly flee the scene, leaving her with her ally.

He'd better take care of her, I think. Kara can make it home. She deserves to find the girl of her dreams.