*AUTHORS NOTE*
I'm back! It's been almost a year and I haven't written, things got really crazy for me and I'm so sorry! I hope people will forgive me and I promise I wont be gone for that long again. I do have so much planned for this story and I absolutely want to see it through. Hang in there with me guys, the best is yet to come!
Chapter Eleven
I shoot out of my sleep, anger seething through my veins. My breathing is irregular and I have the urge to push Christian out of the bed. I turn to the clock, 3:12. What's happening to me? I have to get up, move, distract my mind. I slowly move out of bed, throw some sweats on and head for the stairs. I hear talking and stop mid track.
"Why the fuck are you calling me right now?! No, I'm not leaving my house to get you. Jesus Melissa, I told you I don't do relationships. We had an agreement, no feelings, no emotions. I don't need the distraction... What? Of course it's you! …...Melissa, you and I don't have a future together. Stop calling me."
I hear Teddy throw down his phone, mumbling more profanities as his steps get closer to the door; I should hurry downstairs but his behavior caught me off guard. I'm frozen to my spot, his cold behavior reminded me of how Christian dealt with Leila so long ago. 'I don't do relationships.' I shiver at his words.
"Anastasia?" I turn to face Christian, his head is cocked to the side and he's slightly confused. "What are you doing?"
"I was going to check on Kate, I just wanted to make sure she was ok."
"I'm sure she is, we both know if Kate wanted you, she'd have half the mind to come up here and get you."
I know he's right, I laugh at the thought of Kate creeping into the bedroom, convincing me to go downstairs with her; sneaking me through the house like teenage girls defying their fathers. Christian looks at me confused again, I really should learn to control these outburst of laughter. I feel slightly better, the anger turned to concern for the poor girl on the phone. I lay down trying to convince my body that it's sleepy, I can't help but think about last weekend. I turn to face Christian and he's staring back at me; I'm all of a sudden overcome with emotion and tears start involuntarily rolling down my face. He sits up, alert, slightly confused and pulls me to his lap.
"Ana, baby what's wrong?"
"Oh, Christian there's been so much going on. I feel so disconnected from you. I'm so worried about what's going on with Hyde, I can't stop thinking about last weekend-"
"Please, let me explain."
"Christian there isn't much to explain. You said everything you need to."
"No, Please. I'm not trying to justify my actions, just explain what they meant." I nod at him, bracing myself for another heart break. "I didn't think about Leila when I was with you. I only had to think about severely causing you physical pain to be satisfied. I never thought about sexually being with her Ana. I need you to know that. I don't want anybody but you, I've never wanted to be with anybody but you."
"Christian, you said you thought about her."
"Ana, with everything that's been happening. All the unanswered questions, I saw something I would be able to control. I mean for Christ sake Anastasia, even in the bedroom you've found your independence. Seeing you tied up, you were finally unable to fight back. I made the decisions, I decided how fast, how hard. I wanted, for just a brief second, I wanted to be able to control you the way I was able to control my subs. Seeing Leila in the room, looking at someone who wanted nothing more than to meet my demands..." He shook his head, completely disgusted with himself. "He took over, that monster inside me, he's still in me Anastasia; after all these years, I thought I beat those demons but I didn't.
His eyes are dark, filled with unexpressed emotions, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him to me. I try to find comforting words but I can't stop thinking about that darkness inside me. That darkness is fueled by him, it rises and falls with him.
"You've already broken me." The words come out a whisper, unexpected to the both of us, he holds me away from him, I don't understand his facial expression. Horror?
"What did you say?"
"There's this darkness inside me Christian. I feel it, it consumes me like a wild fire in the deepest most unexplored part of my being. It wanted to beat the shit out of Leila that day in the office, it wants to kill Hyde and it's pulling me away from you." Everything inside me is telling me to stop talking. To leave it at that but, the confession is new to me. My mind is blank but my lips are speaking a truth I didn't know existed, "It hates you for making me weak but, it is you. That room, seeing you talk to Leila, your old relationship with Elena, those repressed feelings from so long ago have been hiding, waiting to surface. It's all because of you, the day I walked out of your life. We should have ended there, everything told me to run and never look back. As soon as I came back to you, the seed was planted. A monster created, for the beast that is you." The words hang in the air, Christian doesn't seem like he's breathing and his eyes are watering, tears desperate to escape but being forced still. I reach out to touch him but he pulls back. He slides me off his lap and stands up, looking at me. He opens his mouth to speak but words fail him, I stand and reach out for him but he steps back again. I step forward and quickly touch his chest, he cringes. Oh no! We look at each other, shocked at his bodies reaction. No, I try to touch him again but his body tightens, eyes filled with panic as he grabs my wrist.
"Anastasia please. I can't bare your touch right now."
My heart stops, a thousand things running through my head. I don't understand, how could he cringe at my touch, I'm his wife! The blood is starting to boil, the light dimming. I look at him and he steps back again. I hear him calling my name but I'm losing all senses. How dare he? With everything we've been through. I feel his hand back on my wrist, then the heat of his skin under my palm. His breathing irregular, panting. My mind tries to regain it's focus and I look at Christian, he's desperate to bring me back; do I want to come back? My name out of his lips snap me back, focus clear and the darkness is gone. I look at him, blinking, confused at my bodies impulse to change at his every reaction. I hear Christian talking but my mind is trying to make sense of my new found emotions.
"Ana I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way. How could you feel that way? Is it true? I did that to you? How can you be with me?" I put my finger to his lips, I can't focus on what he's saying and try to explore my emotions. Everything I said was true, wasn't it? Maybe the darkness has always been there, maybe it just took Christian and everything that has happen to bring it out. I need to sort these feelings but I can't help but think about Christian, pulling away from me. I reach out to touch him again, he's calm, relaxed.
"It was an initial reaction to what you said, that it's Ana."
"Christian I need to sort these feeling out." I lean away from him and crawl off the bed, he runs over and grabs my arm.
"Where are you going?"
"I just need to figure things out and I can't do that here, with you."
"I came in like a wrecking ball!"
I've been listening to a very drunk and slurred version of Miley Cyrus for the last hour and half and I'm not sure Kate is going to stop anytime soon. It's been a couple of days and we have to get back to Seattle tonight. Taylor will be picking us up and I'm really hoping Kate sobers up by the time we get back home. Elliott hasn't talked to her since I kidnapped her into coming out to Olympia and according to Kate, there's been a lot wrong. There were rumors that Elliott was at a restaurant with a younger woman and some very old pictures of Elliott and a male friend walking out of a cheap motel appeared. I've been the worst possible friend to her lately, so stuck with my own issues that I didn't see how broken she's become. These past few days reminded me of why she was my best friend, despite her own issues she still had time to make sense of this inner darkness that I'm battling. Christian is the light, I didn't see it but Kate was right; that inner darkness has always been there and as soon as Christian started calling me, I came back. I just can't help but think that it's more than that, like I created that darkness because I subconsciously knew that it was the only way I could be with Christian. The knock on the door distracted me from my thoughts and I got up, checked the peep hole and opened the door to let Taylor in.
"The ride was ok?"
"Yes, is she ok?"
I turned around to see Kate singing into the mop while whirling around the living. I just shrugged and started some tea for Taylor and I, I'm anxious to know what Christian and the kids have been up.
"Christian has been good, there's been a lot of people over to decorate the house for thanksgiving. The kids miss you but, they've been staying busy. Teddy asked Christian if he could bring a lady friend over for the holiday."
"What? Who?"
"I believe he said her name was Brielle."
"What kind of name is that?"
"Ana! I hope your a lot nicer when you meet her."
Taylor and I talked for about an hour, he filled me in on all the Thanksgiving details and everything he knew about Christian and the problems we've been having. By the time Kate finally passed out, we already had the car packed and were heading back home to Seattle. I must have fell asleep because the hour and half drive seemed like a 15 minute ride. I could barely keep my eyes open when we made it to the house, Elliott was there and I could see the happiness and relief in his eye when he picked Kate up and walked her into the house. Christian and Teddy came out and greeted me with big hugs and kisses, I missed my baby boy so much. I was all of a sudden wide awake when I asked Teddy about Brielle, he shrugged the question off with a simple, 'she's just a friend' statement and retired in his room for the night. I can tell Christian wanted to do something other than sleep and I'm not sure I'm too tired to say no. I didn't realize how badly I missed his touch, his body against mine, his lips against mine and his scent. That perfect mixture of cologne, soap and Christian; he swept me off my feet and into the bedroom, closing the door behind us and laying me gently on the bed.
"I missed you Anastasia and I have a gift for you." I raised my eyebrows in curiosity as he pulled out a box from under the bed.
"What is it?" He pulled out a blindfold and placed it around my head covering my eyes.
"Don't talk unless I tell you to, do you understand?"
I bit my lip in anticipation and nodded my head yes. I could feel the soft cushion of the restraints as he locked me in, my heart was beating faster as he flipped me over and locked my ankles into a spreader bar, my butt was in the air and my legs were forced open, exposing my anus and sex to him. The familiar feel of the flogger slowly caresses my inner thighs and then my clitoris, making me wet and needing him; I moan as he softly flicks the flogger against me, a little sting followed pure pleasure.
"Do you want more Ana?" I stay quiet, "good girl, now answer me."
"Yes."
"Yes, who?"
"Yes, sir."
He spanks me with the flogger one last time before kneeling down and taking my vulva between his lips, gently sucking as I moan louder. I want to say his name, tell him to give me more but I refrain. His hand smacks down on my left cheek and then slides down as he slips two fingers inside me, I jerk forward, surprised and then excited. Yes Christian, this is what I need. I feel his tongue circling my clitoris as his hands push in and out of me faster, deeper; my body is building and moans are getting louder.
"Ah, Christian I'm going to cum!"
"What did I tell you Ana?"
He smacks my ass one last time and then sits up and with one swift motion he forces himself inside me, I scream with pleasure as he forces himself inside me again and again. I can tell he need this as much as I do, his hand smacking my ass once more and I can no longer hold my orgasm. My body shakes around him but he doesn't stop, I can tell he nowhere near finished with me and I can't wait to see what he has in stored for my body.
"Yes Ana, give me your orgasm baby." He voice is breathy as he pumps inside me deeper, harder than before. I look back to see him reach into the box again and pulls out a slim dildo, I nod with approval as he slows down and slowly slides the dildo into my anus. My head tilts back and my body is in ecstasy, welcoming both sensations; Christian is huffing now, moaning as his manhood gets drenched in my juices, he slides out and sticks his tongue inside me licking and slurping as much of me as he can. Everything he's doing is exactly what my body needs and I can't help but orgasm again, around his mouth; he quickly sits back up and in one last thrust I feel his hot seaman inside me, dripping out and down my sex. He doesn't hesitate to slide the dildo out of me and take my hands and ankles out of the restraints, I roll on my back and wipe myself with my hand and lick his juices off of it.
"Anastasia, don't tell me your already ready for a round two."
"Mr. Grey, I'm not sure if you, what word am I looking for? Up, for it right now."
I bite my lip to suppress a laugh and slowly open my legs, moving my hand down to slowly rub myself using his left over lubricant on my clit as my other hand plays with my already harden nipples. It doesn't take him long before he's up and inside me, I'm glad to say Christian gave me just the right amount of love and kinky fuckery that night.
"Hi, Mrs. Grey I'm Brielle, everybody calls me Bri though. Teddy has told me so much about you?"
"Has he? Please, come inside and you can let me know what wonderful things my son says behind my back."
We laugh as Teddy and I escort Bri into the great hall where friends and family have all come out to celebrate the festivities. The decorations are incredible and Mia has really outdone herself with the Thanksgiving Day meal; I've been sneaking pieces of ham and turkey all day, I'm not sure I'll be able to eat lunch. I look around and am filled with so much love and appreciation but also, I my heart is breaking. This will be my first Thanksgiving since having Teddy that my mom wont be here and although I get by every day sometimes, something will happen that makes me wish even more than normal that she was here; today was one of those days. I push the thoughts away and join my family in love, laughter, and great conversation. Today, despite how much I miss my mother, I'll stay strong and happy because, that's what my kids, my husband and my family deserve.
"Today couldn't have gone any better and Mia, that meal! Perfecto!"
"Thank you, mom and Gail helped a lot. You and Kate are ok, right?"
"Yea, things are getting better I think."
Mia and I are putting away the last bit of dishes when I realize I've been even more disconnected with her than I have been with anybody else.
"Christian! Christian get out here!"
That voice, no it can't be. I drop the dish I was drying and run out into the living room. The kids are downstairs in the game room and I already see Christian and Taylor heading to the front door. I hear Carrick telling me to stand back but I push myself past Taylor and Christian and throw open the door to see an intoxicated Leila standing on my front lawn. How the hell did she find out where we live and even more importantly, who else knows where we live?
"Ana! My more beautiful doppelganger, I-" she stammers a little and drops her bottle, "my bad, I have a gift for you Mrs. Grey!" Leila reaches behind her back and lifts a gun at me, "what do you have that I don't?"
Before anybody can react, the gun goes off and I can barely hear Christian as he screams my name; panicked, tortured, desperate, his voice is trailing further and further.