I wait, wondering if Bellamy will say anything, or if he'll just walk away. When he does speak, I can hear pain in his voice, but I can also hear something else I can't identify.
"I know when you're lying, Clarke," he says. I hear his footsteps coming up behind me. "Now what's really going on?" he asks.
I freeze in panic. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to leave and be safe. I consider making a run for it – maybe I can lose him.
"I'll follow you," he warns, once again seeming to read my mind.
"Bellamy –"
He spins me around and I am forced to look at him.
"What is it?" he demands, his gaze boring into me.
"You can't come with me," I whisper.
"Why, Clarke, why?"
"Because I can't lose you too."
His brow crinkles adorably as he frowns in confusion. "Then why are you trying to send me away? That doesn't make any sense."
"Because I need you to live!" I shout, tears breaking free from my eyes once again. "You were nearly killed because of me – it's a wonder you weren't! Everyone around me dies, and that's bad enough, but I can't live knowing you died because of me as well, I can't do it, Bellamy. Go!" I shout, shoving him in the chest. "Leave and live, I can't have you on my conscience as well…"
Bellamy's arms come around me and I fight, trying to push him off, but all the fight in me is gone and I finally melt into his embrace, sobbing for everything I have lost, and everything I still will.
"Even if I did believe that about you," he says, "I still wouldn't leave – no, listen to me Clarke! I understand. If you died, I could never live with myself either. I get it. But I don't you get my side. I can't live without you. I'm not strong like you – I couldn't live just with the knowledge that you're alive. I need you with me; that's not going to change.
"I get you're afraid, though you have no reason to be – most of us would be dead if not for you – but you need to understand that I can't let you go."
I hiccough with my head against his chest and feel Bellamy's arms encircling me and rubbing my back. "We're just going to have to compromise," he continues, a hint of a smile in his voice. "You'll agree not to try to leave me behind, and I'll agree not to die. Agreed?"
Against all odds, I laugh. I should be panicking, but somehow Bellamy has calmed me, and even though part of my mind is still screaming at me to run, another, expanding part is smiling. "Ok," I agree, knowing that it's a promise he may not be able to keep, but somehow still alright with the fact that Bellamy can't live without me any more than I can live without him.
"Ok?" he says, pulling back to look into my eyes. Before he can say anything else, I kiss him. He groans and pulls me closer, his hands sneaking under my top. I cling onto him, not sure I'd still be standing if it weren't for his arms around me.
He is the first to break away. "Clarke… perhaps we should think about finding shelter first."
At his words, I shiver, suddenly remembering the cold. "Maybe," I agree grudgingly.
He takes my hand, and together we head off into the wilderness.
xxx
I laugh as Bellamy's arms come from behind me, running up and down my sides. "Bellamy," I scold, "this fur isn't going to make a blanket out of itself."
"Mhmm," he murmurs, starting to kiss my neck.
I try to resist him, which works for all of five seconds. Dropping the fur I twist around and pounce on him, pushing him to the floor. His cheeks are flushed and his breathing fast. I can already feel myself soaking through my panties as I grind down hard against him. I can feel his cock pressing against my stomach, already fully hard.
I lean in for a proper kiss and twine my hands in his hair as our tongues dance together, our breath mingling into hot gasps and pants of need.
He fumbles with my pants, helping my slide out of them, and I gasp as his hands meet my bare skin. His fingers trail down my stomach, brushing through my pubic hair, then finally settling on my clit.
I groan and press myself against his feather light touch. He chuckles and draws away, torturing me with soft tickles, so good, but so far from what I need.
"Bellamy!" I groan. His fingers trail down further, mingling with my wetness and without any warning, one of them is slipping inside me. My breathing is hot and fast as I grind against him. "Ohhh… keep doing that," I breathe as his finger slides slowly in and out.
I grab his other hand and bring it down to my clit, my desperation rising. His fingers latch on and start working me in slow circles. I cry out, writhing beneath him. "Bellamy – please –"
I lean up for a kiss and see him smirking, thoroughly pleased with himself for turning me into a begging mess so quickly. I'm too turned on to care. My shaking hands yank at his pants, my body crying out for more of him. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to be able to resist me any more than I can resist him.
I stroke his cock as his pants come off and his breathing hitches. I hook my legs around him and pull him into me, my body almost crying with relief as I feel him fill me. His hand works faster on my clit and I am vaguely aware of sounds of pleasure coming out of my mouth as I use my legs to pull him further inside.
"Fuck, you're so beautiful, Clarke," he gasps, thrusting harder into me, and I moan in response.
"Bellamy, Bellamy," I breathe, my hands hot on his back, feeling him move in and out, faster and deeper with each thrust.
I feel my thighs tightening and I cry out, my nails digging into his back as my orgasm overcomes me, blanking out everything but the pleasure. I hear him grunt as he thrusts and spills his seed in me, his whole body shuddering through it.
His head falls to rest on my chest, panting. Finally, he pulls out and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.
"You know, this is why we built a bed," I say conversationally once we've both gotten our breath back.
"You're the one who jumped me on the floor," he says smirking.
"As if!" I pretend to swat at his head, but I am still too loopy from the aftereffects of my orgasm to do much damage.
Ever since we completed our small house a few weeks ago, Bellamy and I have scarcely been able to keep out hands off each other. Of course, we've been making an effort to collect supplies and otherwise prepare things for winter, but isolated in our own little world, with sturdy walls and a warm fire, it's hard to think about anything except Bellamy's presence ever close to me.
"I should keep going with that blanket," I say reluctantly, making no move to leave Bellamy's arms. He growls and tightens his grip on me and I laugh, snuggling further into him. Something has happened over the last weeks, something I never expected. I've found myself laughing, smiling; the nightmares have gotten less, as has the guilt.
Somehow, having Bellamy at my side, caring unconditionally for me, wiping away my every tear, whispering words of comfort and forgiveness… I have begun to forgive myself. I'm nowhere close to there yet, but with Bellamy at my side I feel hopeful, as though maybe there will be more to the rest of my life than guilt and pain.
Bellamy sighs and sits up. "I'll finish the blanket, you rest," he says, kissing my forehead and getting up.
"I love you, Bellamy," I sigh.
I freeze. The words were out of my mouth before I could think to stop them.
"Love you too, Princess," he replies without missing a beat. It takes a full two seconds for me to start breathing again. Bellamy is sewing the skins together, his expression free from any tension or stress.
I stare at him, a giddy smile overcoming me. I test the words out in my head. I love you, Bellamy.
A few tears leak out of my eyes and I give a shaky laugh. Love you too, Princess. The words sound right.
I look around at our small cabin, at Bellamy's look of concentration as he works on a blanket to keep me warm. For the first time in a long time, I feel at home.
To be continued