A/N: episode tag to 7x11, takes place after the end of the episode

07x11 — forgiven

Jane woke up and blinked a few times. The first thing he noticed was that he was alone in bed. He sat up. He had been surprised and very relieved when Lisbon had agreed to come with him to the airstream after they found Gabriel. They both had been exhausted and after a week away from her, all that Jane wanted was to sleep with her in his arms. However, he hadn't been so sure Lisbon would want the same. They hadn't spoken much on their way home, but she'd had hold on to him very tightly once they lay down and for a moment he 'd thought that everything was alright between them. It seemed, he couldn't have been more wrong.

He was used to being awake at night for hours. After being insomniac for so many years, he only slowly developed a normal sleeping pattern again. That's why he knew very well that Lisbon never woke up at night…. not unless something was haunting her.

He stood up and walked to the front of the airstream. She was sitting on the driver's seat, her legs folded underneath her. She shivered slightly in only her thin jersey and Jane closed the window they'd left open before he sat down in the passenger seat.

"Hey", he said. Lisbon hadn't turned a lamp on, nor had he and the only source of light came from outside. It was a clear night and millions of stars covered the dark sky. He had left the airstream close to the land he planned to buy, but hadn't told her yet. There were only few sources of artificial light close by and the night sky shone so much brighter than in the middle of the city.

"Hi." She didn't look at him and his heart sunk as he saw how she tried to wipe a few tears away without him noticing. Lisbon crying was bad enough on its own, but if she hid it from him it was even worse.

"What are you doing here", he asked her softly, not taking his eyes of her. Her hands played nervously with the hem of her jersey. She tried to pull it further down as if she was cold. How long was she already sitting here, had she been sleeping at all?

"Just thinking." She still didn't look at him, her voice barely a whisper. He waited a moment, but she didn't continue.

"Thinking about what?", he asked. Lisbon's eyes were transfixed on the steering wheel in front of her, not him, not the sky outside the window. Jane had a dreading feeling that he knew what her next words would be.

"I'm wondering about what would need to happen that I'd seat myself behind this wheel and just drove away." She followed the brown leather of the steering wheel with her fingers, barely touching it.

"Nothing", she said after a moment, slowly gripping the steering wheel. She laughed, a short laugh, bordering close to being a sob.

"I couldn't think of anything that could make me run away - from you. Isn't that pathetic."

"I came back, Teresa. I -", she finally turned around and the words died in his throat.

"No, Jane. You didn't come back. I had you arrested and brought back to Austin."

He swallowed. "But I intended to come back, all along. I just needed time to think."

"How much time?", she focused again on the dashboard in front of her. "When would you have decided to let me know that you're still alive? Another week from now, or a month, or maybe a year, or never at all?" He couldn't stand the distance between them any longer and stood up to stand beside her.

"I would have called, I would have come back at some point." She still avoided looking at him. "The same way you told me yesterday that you wouldn't keep ignoring my calls?"

He felt a pang of guilt rush through him. He wanted to call her back the evening before, but he'd been drunk and tired and…even in his head these were all weak excuses. A short call, or even only a text…it wouldn't have needed much. He didn't really know himself why he hadn't done it.

"I happily give you time, all the time you needed. I just wanted to hear from you that you're alright." She wiped a few tears away again and Jane suddenly felt her pain as if it was his own.

"I know", she said, "this was - this is difficult for you. Losing Vega, knowing that it happened on the job…", she turned around to look at him. "Tell me, Jane. Did you, even only for a second, think about how I felt, how I feel about all this? You think I'm soldering on." She repeated the word he'd used the day before, as if it was an insult. "Soldering on. Do you think that's all this is to me? That I don't feel anything, just because I try to go on. Do you think I don't suffer because we lost one of our people? Do you think I didn't care that you just left."

She was openly crying now and Jane felt as if someone had stabbed him. Her words cut him like a knife, because they were the truth. He'd been so absorbed in himself, only imagining what could have been, how he wouldn't be able to handle losing her, remembering how he felt the last time, trying to find a way how he could prevent exactly that from ever happening again…that he hadn't really thought about her. He'd been plain selfish - once again.

"I'm so sorry, Teresa", he said, crouching down beside her seat.

"Me dying doesn't hurt me", she threw the words back at him, the words he'd said on the cemetery to her. He'd panicked that moment, had spoken without thinking about the consequences. He halfheartedly hoped that she might forget what he said that day, but it seemed his word had burned themselves into her memory.

"And what about me, Jane? What would that do to me? What would it do to me when you just disappear, one way or the other?"

"I'm so sorry", he repeated. It sounded hollow, but it was all he could offer her.

"I'm back now."

She looked at him trough her tears. "You said as much earlier today. But what does it mean. I see that you're back now. But what about tomorrow, what about in a week from now?"

He took both her hands in his. "I'll be here. I'll always be here from now on. I made a terrible mistake, but you have to believe me, I never planned to leave you. Never." He felt hot tears on his own cheeks. "I needed to figure some things out, to find a way to cope with the reality of your job. I just had to get away, see something different, stay away from all the murder and pain…just for a while." He blinked the tears away. "I panicked. I should have talked to you, I know that now. I hurt you and I won't ever forgive myself for that, but I'll try to make it up to you. I promise."

Lisbon slid out of the chair into his arms, joining him on the floor. "I love you, Teresa", he whispered into her hair as he hold her. "I can't live without you."

She tightened her grip around him. "I love you, too. And maybe I shouldn't but I forgive you, and so should you." Jane closed his eyes at her words. He didn't deserve her, not after all he'd done to her. That moment, he swore to himself never to hurt her again. He would show her the land he planned to buy the next morning. He would build them a house, a future. He took her face in his hands and brushed the last tears away. He would ask her to marry him. Not right now, not after all he put her through. He'd give her some time, time to learn to trust him again. She might have forgiven him, but that wasn't enough. He would proof to her, that she could trust him; always.

"I love you", he said again and kissed her. They hadn't kissed since his return and only now he really felt at home again. Their kiss began slowly, almost tentatively, but not for long. He'd missed her so much and judging by her response, Lisbon had felt the same. He stood up, never losing contact to her and led her back to the bed.

They loved each other, wild and frantic at first, desperate to reconnect. Then slow and tender, a second time, never losing eye contact, reaffirming their love for each other. Lisbon fell asleep almost immediately afterwards, curled up against him. Jane watched her, unable to drift off himself. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead and was rewarded with a faint smile. It was almost enough to make him tear up again. She looked at peace now, happy. He would do everything in his power to keep it that way.