I really am churning these out, aren't I? Another Mustang-centric chapter for you all.

Bad things to say at a wedding:

Mustang had been having, for the past few weeks, some form of recurring nightmare. He kept dreaming that he was getting married (usually to the one woman who truly scared the shit out of him) and then someone or something (usually a certain Maes Hughes) messed it all up.

The first one hadn't been all that bad. It was a lovely warm summer day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the god of cliché scene-settings had upended his happy box on the world.

Mustang was standing awkwardly to the side, waiting for it all to be over with so he could sweep his beloved away to some tropical honeymoon island when his 'best friend' walked up.

"I must say, Roy-boy, your best man's in an absolute state!"

That made no sense for two reasons. One: they had promised to each other that they would have each other as their best man and two:

"That's my mother!"

LineBreakLineBreak

The second one was horrific, but not as deeply scarring as the nightmare that came after it.

He had got through the perfect wedding. He had met his bride at the end of the aisle, smiling at her, hopelessly in love. They had said the traditional words and exchanged rings. And, at last, he had lifted the veil and kissed the sniper softly, lovingly, on the mouth.

Now, it was the start of the dinner and the traditional speeches were made. And, of course, it was the best man's right to start and Maes was half-way through his speech.

"So, as everyone knows, it's my job to tell some amusing stories about Roy. So first of all, for a kick-off, he's a hermaphrodite."

All he could remember was a scream of pure rage as he leaped from his seat, hands outstretched, to strangle his ex-best friend before he found himself sitting upright in his bed, arms still stretched and in strangling position.

He vowed never to speak of it, especially to Hughes. Gate knew the man already had enough dirt on him without the tortures his subconscious came up with.

LineBreakLineBreak

The most deeply scarring nightmare he had in this little series of weddings was, well, horrific.

It started off much the same as the first: the perfect day and so on. The wedding was over and he was standing next to his blonde bride, accepting congratulations from assorted friends and family. Unlike the previous nightmare, he still hadn't lifted the veil hiding his new partner's face, but he could see the end of long, loose blonde hair falling past the middle of her back.

Maes walked up to the two of them, grinning as he fought his way towards them through the assorted well-wishers.

"You finally got yourself a wife, Roy! No-one could've guessed it about you two!"

What? But her grandfather was always hinting unsubtly about him making Riza his first lady!

"I mean, I always thought you had your eye on Hawkeye, but you proved me wrong!"

Suddenly, the veil disappeared as if it had never been there. He didn't turn to look, terrified of who – or what – he might see.

"This is my first gay wedding!" Ma- Hughes – exclaimed as he turned to whoever it was next to him. "So, you must be the pretty one!"

And the last voice he ever wanted to hear again replied irately, "Who're you calling so pretty and short he looks like a girl!"

The next day, when Fullmetal arrived and stomped into his office – Mustang could swear that the wall would never be the same, the way the brat slammed it – he stayed behind his desk. He didn't make conversation. He didn't berate the blond about the damage reports that would cost the military thousands. He even managed not to make any cracks about his height. Anything to get him out and as far away as possible as quickly as possible.

Needless to say, the kid chose that specific day to become suddenly more perceptive than ever.

"Hey? You OK?"

"Yes! Yes! Perfectly fine! Haven't you got someone to rant at for calling you short? No! Don't come closer! Stay there!"

He passed out from a panic attack and started to return to consciousness to the sight of assorted shoes, including armoured feet, Riz- Hawkeye's sensible shoes and his elevator boots.

"nk I should give him the kiss of life?" he faintly heard Fullmetal say. Then the implications settled in.

"I'm awake! I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake!"

LineBreakLineBreak

The most recent was more embarrassing than mentally scarring. It was, up until the speeches, exactly the same as the second. Maes's speech, as best man, went off without a hitch. It was suspiciously perfect, and then Mustang found himself standing to deliver his own.

Even before he opened his mouth, he knew he was going to say something horrifically embarrassing, so he was not surprised when he heard his voice saying:

"Now, I know Riza's family's always had some doubts about me so let me explain, first of all, why I'm naked."