The Witcher: Part XI
The League of Legends
Previously, on The Witcher:
Emperor Hitler has taken control of the elf draugr! He has turned them into his servants and personal army, and now Team Witcher are being attacked by this army of Nazi Elf Draugr!
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
The flying carpet was moving at maximum speed away from the Nazi Elf Draugr. Geralt was firing bolts of lightning at the draugr. Lady Feudalism was firing balls of feudalistic fire. Meanwhile, the muggles sat on the carpet and did more or less nothing.
"lol," said Ciri.
"I don't like sitting here being useless," said Iorverth.
"I like sitting here being useless," said Ciri, "I'm a decrepit old woman, being idle is what I do!"
The army of flying Nazi Elf Draugr was gaining on the flying carpet now. They were almost close enough to climb onto the carpet.
"What do we do?" yelled Geralt.
"Let me talk to my people," came a voice.
It was Tivoherr.
"Not you again," said Lady Feudalism.
"My kin, why have you bent your will to this... Hitler?" said Tivoherr to the army of Nazi Elf Draugr.
"Well," began one of the draugr, "He showed us that nationalist socialism is not a bad idea."
"What's wrong with the magocracy we used to have?"
"Magocratic forms of government are outdated. We prefer newer ideals."
"Please, don't fall for Hitler's magickek fueled rhetoric," said Tivoherr (for some reason he knew Hitler had magickek).
"It's your rhetoric we are not going to fall for."
"Why are you attacking us, anyway?" inquired Tivoherr.
"Because Emperor Hitler told us to."
"Are you sure chasing us is the best use of your time? Shouldn't you be building little Nazi towns or brainwashing children or something?"
"Probably," admitted the draugr.
The army stopped to think about Tivoherr's words, while the magick carpet flew off into the distance.
"And you wanted to get rid of me," said Tivoherr to Team Witcher, as he transformed back into Iorverth.
Into the small town came a cloaked figure riding a horse. His name was Severus Hitler, the disowned son of the Emperor. The Emperor thought he was dead. However, unbeknownst to his father, Severus had happened to land on a bouncy castle that just happened to be passing at the time. He had then rode off rather promptly.
Severus entered the town inn. It was painted red. He placed a hand on the wall - the paint was fresh. He walked up to the innkeeper, who had a hammer and a sickle tattoo on his forehead.
"What would you like?" asked the innkeeper.
"I don't have any money," said Severus.
"You don't have any money?" asked a large, muscled witch man who sat next to Severus. "Get this guy a vodka, George." He turned to Severus as the innkeeper bustled off. "I'm Communist O'Lenin, the owner of this establishment. What brings you to my inn?"
"I was rejected by my father," said Severus.
His vodka arrived and he sipped at it.
"You're Hitler's kid aren't you?" said O'Lenin.
"I need a disguise," said Severus.
Then he sighed.
"My father is going to try to retrieve the Sword of Death. I don't want to see him succeed."
"Why not?" asked O'Lenin.
"Because he's evil," replied Severus, "and I don't want the Witcher to end up getting absolute power over the planet because he's an idiot."
"So what are you going to do about it?" asked O'Lenin.
"I think... I should go after the Sword of Death as well," said Severus.
"I think I'll come with you," said O'Lenin. "Us anti-heroes gotta stick together."
"I'll go and disguise myself before we leave," said Severus.
He wiped a gob of red paint off the wall and went into the bathroom. He then smeared some of the paint around one of his eyes, so it looked like a scar. Looking into the mirror, Severus spoke to himself.
"I must restore my honour."
Team Witcher found themselves hopelessly lost. Geralt's compass didn't work because of magnetic particles in the sand.
"I have some maps!" said Ciri excitedly.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of crumpled parchment with a variety of colours and blobs on it.
"I can't navigate with this," cried Iorverth. "There's no key!"
"What do you mean?" asked Ciri.
"Look at this red blob that this map says we're currently standing on," said Iorverth, "What does this red blob mean? This is a poorly designed map."
"I didn't design the map without a key," said Ciri, shrugging.
Just then, Lady Feudalism jumped to her feet.
"Look over there! A small building."
They landed the carpet next to the building, which turned out to be a shop.
"It looks like we can buy a key for our map here, at the… 'League of Legends,'" Iorverth said, squinting at the worn sign.
They entered the shop.
"We're looking for a legend for this map," said Geralt to the shopkeeper.
"Okay, that will be 50 desert dollars," said the shopkeeper.
Ciri dished out 50 desert dollars and the shopkeeper provided an appropriate legend for their map.
"That shop left me feeling irritated and unsatisfied," murmured Ciri as they left 'League of Legends'.
Iorverth looked at the map with the legend.
"Now," he said, "We're standing on a red blob on the map. On the key... that is... an… an active volcanic region."
As if to confirm what Iorverth just said, the ground started to shake. Cracks appeared in the ground, and spouts of lava rose up.
"Oh no!" said Lady Feudalism.
"We're doomed!" shouted Geralt.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XII
THE DEFENSE OF THE ANCIENTS