The Witcher: Part XII
The Defense of the Ancients
Previously, on The Witcher:
Team Witcher encountered a volcano in the desert. The pyroclastic flow is going to kill them very soon.
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
Long ago, there were two villages, located near the edge of the Elvish Desert. They contained a variety of eccentric and unusual creatures with weird powers. The villages' names:
Dire, and Radiant
For some unfathomable reason, the two ended up at war. It seemed that the war would never end. But then, after several decades passed, the heroes of Dire and Radiant began to age.
They got back problems. They had mineral deficiencies. They got old. And the war could not continue.
Eventually, it got to the point where these senile 'heroes' had to struggle to defeat the invading neutral creeps. They knew their time was up.
The Magick Carpet flew away from the pyroclastic flow as fast as it could. Geralt could feel the heat on his the back of his head as he magicked the carpet to go faster.
"We need to make this thing more aerodynamic!" said Iorverth.
Iorverth pulled out his sword and pointed it directly ahead. The magick carpet sped up, and they escaped the pyroclastic flow.
"That's physics," said Iorverth.
"Wow! Physics is so cool!" said Geralt.
"I preferred Chemistry," said Ciri, yawning.
In a few minutes, they found themselves at the edge of the desert. Just beyond the edge, sat a small town.
"The pyroclastic flow is still coming," said Lady Feudalism grimly, "That town is going to get destroyed."
They landed in the small dark town, which was named Dire.
"You lot should evacuate!" yelled Geralt.
A pudgy old dude walked out of one of the houses.
"Get out of this town!" Geralt said to the pudgy old dude.
"Why?" asked the dude. "I'm perfectly happy here. The name is Pudge, by the way."
He hobbled up to Geralt and offered a handshake.
"No time for that now," said Geralt.
"There's a pyroclastic flow coming and if you don't evacuate, you'll all die!"
There was suddenly a cry from above.
"Creeps!"
"That'll be Sniper," said Pudge.
They looked up and saw a tiny shriveled ball with glasses perched on a rooftop.
"What are creeps?" asked Geralt.
"Those things," replied Pudge.
There was an army of small neutral creeps approaching Dire.
"Now that we're old, them creeps think they can just take Dire over," said Pudge.
Geralt saw the creeps in the distance. As they approached, he saw them dividing to form a larger army. They were asexual. That meant, he could kill them without violating his moral code.
"You old people can stay here," said Geralt, motioning to the 'heroes' of Dire, and Ciri.
"You think I can't fight?" said Ciri.
"That's exactly what I think," said Geralt. "Anyway, me, Lady Feudalism, and Iorverth will dispatch those creeps as fast as we can. You lot should get as far away from the desert as fast as you can."
But it was too late. The pyroclastic flow was already visible on the horizon. On one side of Dire was the pyroclastic flow, and on the other side, were the creeps.
"How are we going to defend these ancients?" asked Lady Feudalism.
"I have a plan," said Geralt, smiling.
A crowd of old and decrepit 'heroes' had gathered before Geralt.
"Are any of you still semi-decent at magic?" asked Geralt to the crowd.
An old man raised his arm. He hobbled up to Geralt, walking slowly with a cane.
"Mah name is Invoker," said the decrepit old man. "I'm dah only one who can still do magic."
"Okay," said Geralt. "Invoker, Lady Feudalism, come with me."
Invoker, Lady Feudalism, and Geralt walked to the edge of town with the pyroclastic flow.
"Just follow me," said Geralt, as the pyroclastic flow came closer.
Geralt began to cast a magick spell, which created a small air bubble.
"If we can make this bubble big enough to cover all of Dire, you won't be destroyed by the pyroclastic flow."
Invoker and Lady Feudalism and Geralt made the bubble bigger and bigger, until the entire town was covered by the bubble. Just after the bubble encased the town, the pyroclastic flow swept over the bubble. Using all his magick might Geralt held the bubble in place, preventing the pyroclastic flow from falling onto the town. He stood for quite a while.
Finally, when it had mostly passed, Geralt ceased the magick spell. Ash fell from the sky and coated Dire in grey. All the neutral creeps on the other side of town had been roasted and they were no more.
"Well done," said Geralt to Lady Feudalism and Invoker.
They walked back to the middle of town, where all the ancient 'heroes' were standing in a crowd.
"What do we do now?" asked Pudge.
"What do you mean?" asked Geralt.
"All the creeps are dead. The Radiant is too far away to walk to. What is the purpose of our existence if it is not to fight creeps or Radiant?"
"I suppose you can start to do something productive rather than fighting. Perhaps you should build a nice feudal society," suggested Lady Feudalism.
The inhabitants saved town of Dire then began to do what most people did when nothing important was happening: they started squabbling over politics. Their job done, Team Witcher returned to the magick carpet.
"The shop in Dire was more interesting than 'League of Legends'," said Ciri.
And then the team got on the carpet and soared off northwards, to their next exciting adventure.
Adolf Hitler entered the town of Radiant with his band of 49. Like always, they were playing the Imperial March. This attracted the attention of the Radiant 'heroes', who exited their homes to see Hitler.
"I think this is a lovely spot for painting," said Hitler, setting up his easel.
And then he saw the pyroclastic flow.
"It's going to kill us!" yelled Radiant Pudge.
But Hitler froze the pyroclastic flow with some magickek.
"Wait until my art is finished," said Hitler to the pyroclastic flow.
About 5 hours later, Hitler had finished his piece of artwork. It was a picture of Geralt being beheaded.
"Very good," said the Emperor.
He then rose up into the air with his band (using magickek). Then he reheated and defrosted the pyroclastic flow. It swept over the town, destroying Radiant and all the 'heroes,' and they were no more.
"Lol," said Hitler.
His band laughed, more out of fear than amusement. Except for one member.
"Why do you not laugh?" he asked to the band member who did not laugh.
"I do not find you funny," said the band member.
"Then you shall die," said Hitler.
The man was then thrown into the pyroclastic flow.
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XIII
49 SHADES OF GREY