Chapter Twenty-Two

I'm not breathing.

How could I be when I'm staring at it?

The mask, the tears, the symbol, my back.

My skin is pale, even for Ionians, and it only makes the scarred tissue stick out all the more. It's been almost a year, and it still looks the same as the day I got it. Instead of looking like burn scars, all cracked and dry skin, it's a complete ink black darkness that stains my skin. It still has that horrific look of a permanent wound, the shadows doing little to hide the fact the flesh beneath is scorched black. No, they accent each other, showing just how much of an abomination I- the wound- really is.

I shiver, my face half covered by my hair in the mirror's view. Every breath I take, the monster on my back shifts with my moving muscles, like it's breathing in pace with me. I shudder, sending ripples of shadow and hunger in it's empty eyes.

I shut my own, my breathing heavy as my jaw trembles.

No matter how many times I see it, it never gets easier. Only harder, knowing this is something I will live with forever. They wanted to maim me, make me always remember, and it worked. How could I forget the worst moment of my life, the moment they…

I swallow, my throat tight, thoughts cutting deep.

I was forced to change. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to ever get over that?

I have a lot of practice holding in tears, keeping thoughts like these deep inside, but it doesn't make it easier. Everything changed that day. Everything.

I pull my clothes back on, hurrying to zip up the workout jacket, trying to regain control. I don't know why these things keep happening to me, what I'm doing wrong, or even why I try anymore. I don't understand, so what am I supposed to do?

I walk out of the bathroom, heading for the stairs. It hurts, everything does really, but my entire body is sore and stiff. I guess it wasn't enough to be broken, I had to go through trying to be killed too. At least the later had a kindness, a professional level of cruelty to it. People try to kill people all the time. I can get over that, in time.

I lean against the stairwell wall, nausea sweeping through me.

Everyone here knows now. I can hear the whispers, and I feel the gazes. I know what they think. The variety of thoughts ranging from pity to disgust. I've been through it before. My old classmates weren't that different, and I can hardly blame them. The rumor mill spins on…

I get out of the academy with some trouble, heading past the intricately carved fountain, doing my best to maintain my pace and not stumble too much. Sitting on the fountain in the academy courtyard is Seth, wearing his own workout uniform minus the jacket. His face is hard, and he walks next to me, following as I head for the arena.

"Aria," Seth whispers urgently. "I'm sorry about last night, I didn't mean-"

"I know," I answer, stumbling slightly as my leg cramps. "It's alright."

He bites his lip, looking down.

"I know… I know how it feels to be tired of fighting… but Aria, please…"

"Please what?" I ask, exhaustion and defeat shading my voice.. "What? I've tried Seth, I have. I've bled and hurt and tried, and it's only been one big circle."

My voice starts breaking, and I bite down on my cheek, clawing my fingernails into my palm. I'm not going to lose it. Not now.

"What do you want me to do?" I manage to ask, still walking forward.

"I want you to fight!" Seth pushes.

"I have," I choke out, my steps getting faster. "But I can't win against everyone, not when it's me against the world. I just can't."

"You can't just give up! Let me help you!"

"How could I ever trust you or anyone else?" I shout, my voice wild as I turn to face him. "After everything? Don't you see, Seth? We live together, sometimes even work together, but in the end, everyone is in it for themselves!"

"This academy is built that way," he agrees, eyes soft. "But we don't have to play by their-"

"It's not just this academy," I shake my head, pacing a few steps away. "It's the world."

Silence hangs in the air, both of us looking at each other, waiting. I don't know what I expect, some kind of advice or epiphany from him that will change everything, but I don't get it. Seth just looks down, fists clenched and slightly shaking.

"Fight this," he whispers. "Or they win."

"They already have."

I turn, walking away, heading towards the arena and my fate. I'm not sure what Seth's game is here. Maybe he thinks he can pick me up on some kind of rebound from trusting Alexander, and then use me. Maybe it's even as simple as "the enemy of my enemy…"

Void, why am I even arguing with him? It's not like he actually cares. This is just another ruse, another attempt to gain my power to use until he doesn't need me anymore. That's all this is.

So why do I keep talking to him like it isn't?

I shake off the thoughts, only to hear him walking towards me quickly.

"If you don't fight," Seth says, his words hard. "Then no one will ever win. You've gotten farther than any other Ionian. You're at a school for summoners, Aria. You can do this!"

Something snaps inside of me.

"No, I can't, Seth! I tried to, and it almost got me killed! I'm not going to fight if I just keep getting hurt! I'm tired of it all!"

"So, what?" Seth growls back. "You just give up? You can't just keep letting them do these things to you…"

He bites back the words, trying desperately to take them back, but I'm already looking at him, eyes burning wet.

"Oh," I whisper, blood boiling and face hot. "So that's what you really think about me. About what happened."

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"Does it matter?" I whisper, stalking away with wet eyes. "It's what you thought. It's what everyone thinks. Just leave me alone."

If Seth follows me, he does so at a distance. He might not have meant to touch that nerve, but maybe he did. I don't even know anymore. I'm tired of being paranoid, but every time I've strayed from that safety, I've gotten hurt. But what happens when the paranoia spreads to even not trusting myself?

The arena is packed today. Noxian soldiers and red cloaks pack the makeshift stands, spilling over onto the ground. There's a gauntlet of soldiers between me and my classmates, chatting anxiously. I start walking through, people already starting to notice I'm Ionian. Pale skin, dark hair, smooth face, big eyes, I wonder what slang they currently use.

"Didn't know there was a Pale here," one scoffs, spitting in front of my path.

I let out a huff of air, holding back a response. Nothing ever changes.

I step around the spit deliberately, earning an audible sneer from the soldier. As I'm stepping around, I see someone moving out of the crowd quickly, passing through them like wheat. I turn my head just in time to see a scarlet cloaked figure bump into my side, and I start to fall until a steady hand catches me, pulling me back to my feet. I look in surprise at the scarlet figure, pulling out of their grasp quickly, but I recognize the feminine features, the white hair and scarf covered face.

"If you want to survive," my unknown savior whispers, voice too low to be heard by anyone but me. "You need to stop winning. Beating them will only make them angrier. You need to-"

"I know," I whisper back quickly, a hint of anger seeping into my tone as I continue untangling myself. "Winning isn't enough. I need to beat them."

She blinks at me, a flicker of approving disgust crossing across her shrouded face. She gives the slightest of nods, and then she leaves, going as quickly as she went. I continue walking, my heart clenching even tighter now that my beliefs are reaffirmed.

Fairfax had given me advice this morning too, or, at least, he had tried to. I guess I didn't make it clear enough yesterday exactly how I felt.

"I'm just… I'm done, okay? Just leave me alone already…"

I shiver. He's only ever meant the best for me, for all the Ionians, but…

Where has that gotten me? Scarred? Almost murdered? Alone?

Maybe his intentions are good, maybe Seth really just wants to team up, enemy of my enemy and all that, maybe Xander was just scared to tell the truth, and maybe Molly has a perfectly good reason for lying to me.

But why should I take that risk? Why should I even care anymore?

Caring has gotten me where I am now. I see what hope and faith and trust have rewarded me with. I've tried to be the good little girl, following orders of people who I believed in. I'm done. I've let them keep their little charade up, but now I'm going to tear it down. Now it's time for them to see how scared and weak they really are.

Every action of my life has been to pacify the Noxians, to let their little world be a reality while I suffered. That ends now. Now, I show them what I really think about them. No more roles or stereotypes, just the truth.

Resolve floods through me, and I use it to ignore the looks I get. I make sure to stand off to the side, keeping my gaze distant and doing my best to not look at anyone, especially Alexander. I can't help it, though, and my eyes dart to him, looking for any reaction or emotion.

A vice grips my heart, phantom pains shooting throughout my body.

He looks completely different.

His blond hair is still long, but now it is finely combed, falling in a gentle wave and is no longer shaggy and uncaring. His posture isn't that of an unsure, fidgeting student, but that of a confidant, bored leader, plans and tactics hidden behind stone eyes. Even the way he wears his clothes has changed, looking somehow crisp but still uncaring, like he's too good for his outfit.

His eyes meet mine, and that's all it takes for fear to take over me. My legs start shaking, mouth suddenly dry. I move my lips, trying to say something smart or sarcastic, but nothing comes out.

Alexander doesn't seem to notice. No, in fact, he takes all of two seconds looking at me before his eyes move off, dismissing me completely.

I'm not surprised, not even a little. Everything he's done has been cold and calculating, and I only realized this morning exactly what his problem is, how he's able to do the things he does. It all points to one thing:

He doesn't even think of me as a person.

This whole thing was never about me, just him getting what he wanted. I was nothing more than a toy for him to play with, to test and learn from. He doesn't care about me. I was an obstacle at worst and an opportunity at best. To him, it wasn't personal. It was just training.

My hands shake, clenched into weak fists. My body still throbs with strength sapping pain, making it hard to even just stand. Fear slithers and snakes in my belly, and I suddenly realize just how scared I really am. What I'm about to do…

"Now that everyone is here," Sadon says, his words suddenly breaking my concentration. "We shall begin. I expect good fights today. After all, there is quite a crowd here today, and I would hate if you disappointed them. So, let your challenges be-"

"I challenge Alexander," I blurt, starting my sentence on the last beat of his word.

Sadon's eyes narrow slightly at me, looking annoyed and suspicious. He turns to Alexander, waiting for a response. Alexander seems to take a moment, like I didn't even say anything. His eyes glance around briefly, and the he shrugs, sighing.

"I accept," he says, shrugging off his jacket and handing it to Jackson. Then he starts walking, getting onto the raised platform and heading to the far end. My heart lurches into my throat, and the only thing that keeps my legs moving forward to take my position is my bitter rage.

I don't look at my so called allies. I don't need their fake reactions and empty words. They have nothing for me.

Xander lies to me, letting me suffer and not taking responsibility.

Elizabeth keeps herself an enigma, all the while trying to get me to believe in her.

Devon only knows how to look out for himself, and he'd betray me if he needed to, conscious of the fact or not. He didn't betray me, but apathy is just as bad. He's on nobody's side but his own.

And Seth…

Seth is turbulent, prone to anger and passion, letting it color and affect him. He still keeps pretending to be on my side, but his motives… he has no reason to help me. It's some sort of game, it has to be. Maybe he would help me defeat Alexander just because he hates him, but afterwards… he could do anything. I have no reason to believe anything he says, so I won't. I won't give the benefit of the doubt. I won't make the same mistake again.

I can feel the field go up around the arena, a tickle against my senses. The crowd roars and jeers, thirsting for blood. My blood. It doesn't matter, though. Nothing ever changes. It's always been this way.

I close my eyes, forcing myself to calm my jittering heart, swallowing the butterflies in my stomach. This has to be done. I can do this. I'm not going to do anything drastic. No, I'm just going to show them what they've really been doing.

My eyes open slowly, and I shift into my fighting stance, taking deep breaths in tune with Sadon's countdown. When it reaches zero, I look up at Alexander, narrow my eyes, and…

I do nothing.

I stand where I am, hands raised in a defensive pose. Alexander has taken a different fighting stance than his usual unsteady one, now properly adjusting himself in the minute ways only a trained fighter can. He shifts his weight, moving slightly to my right the second Sadon hits zero, seemingly expecting some sort of movement from me.

He gets none. I stay still, watching him. Waiting.

Jeers and shouts from the crowd wash over us, but Alexander doesn't seem to notice. He just squints at me, thinking. Then he slowly starts taking deliberate steps towards me, never dropping his guard. He inches closer and closer until he finally stands a dozen or so feet away. His mouth is drawn into a line, and his eyes dart over me warily.

"I thought this would be an act of revenge," he murmurs. "But you seem oddly calm."

I say nothing.

"Interesting," Alexander says. "Are you trying to make me make a mistake? Get me angry so I slip? It won't work. I know you."

I suck in a deep breath, preparing myself. Then I start speaking, my voice surprisingly loud.

"Do you really have a sister?" I ask, somehow calm.

"Yes," he responds. "I do."

"Did she get beat like in your story?"

"Of course," he squints. "And they payed dearly for hurting her."

"Okay," I answer, nodding. "I was just wondering how you could be so cruel and cold to me when you know what it's like to be helpless. To have someone you care about hurt."

He looks at me with amusement, but something darker lurks behind his eyes.

"Trying the sympathy card now?" Alexander asks frostily.

"No," I respond, staring straight into his eyes. "I just don't understand how any of you can be so cruel. How you justify it enough that you can live with yourself."

"I do what has to be done," he murmurs. "An Ionian like you wouldn't understand."

"Really?" I ask. "I wouldn't understand wanting more power so I can have things my way? I wouldn't understand people hurting those close to me? I wouldn't understand being forced to become stronger just because I'll die for being weak?"

My voice pickss up, getting louder and louder as I go on, eyes flashing with glossy anger. He seems unsure how to respond, eyes shifting, and I can hear the insults and shouts from the crowd all but disappear, the Noxians listening uncomfortably.

"Wake up!" I shout. "I've lived my life under Noxian rules. I'm only Ionian because of how I look, of where I was born! I'm no different than you are! The reasons you hate me are bullcrap! You can lie to yourself all you want, that we're different or some sort of enemies, but the truth is I am what all of you created! My pain and suffering, my flaws and mistakes, they're just reflections of what I've learned from you!"

There's a startling silence. I don't know if I'm getting to them, or if they're just surprised at my outburst. So, I lower my hands and arms, holding them out to either side and standing straight.

"Stop pretending that you're doing any of this because we're enemies," I shout. "The only reason I fight is because I die if I don't! I don't want your honor, your respect, I want to survive! You see enemies everywhere because it's easier than accepting the fact that you like hurting people weaker than you, even though you despise those stronger for doing exactly the same thing!"

I lower my hands, still staring into Alexander's eyes.

"So if you want to hurt me," I spit. "Fine. Just remember you're no better than the people you actually hate. People like the ones that hurt your sister."

Alexander looks to be frozen, his body stiff. His eyes flicker briefly, thoughts and emotions churning under the surface. I flick my eyes away from him, taking in the crowd quickly. They all sit silently, a few of them looking down or away when my eyes pass over them. Others just look angry, hands clenched and faces red, either because I pushed a button or because they don't want to accept the truth.

"Only the strong survive."

The words are said with such conviction and power that I almost step away from Alexander in surprise. His eyes are back to the color of steel and stone, his face passive and uncaring.

"What you don't realize," Alexander continues, letting out a sigh. "Is that is all the truth there is in life. Everyone is out for only themselves in the end. It's not just true here at the academy, it's true everywhere. You can complain and cry all you want, but the fact of the matter is, power is all that matters. If I have to lie and cheat to stay ahead, then I will, because the only thing that matters is what I say matters."

He inches a few steps forward, lowering his voice.

"You're right about one thing," he growls, eyes smoldering. "Ionians, Noxians, we're all the same. I never doubted that for a second. The reason I'm targeting you isn't because of something petty like hatred, it's because you're the last obstacle in my path. You're the only competition of any notice, so I'm just taking you out before you realize what kind of game you're really playing."

I blink.

Then I force myself to start shaking, acting like I hadn't expected that answer, like I'm scared. Well, I am scared, but I let myself show it, clenching my hands and teeth. I see him smile, buying into my charade, and I fight the panicked laughter inside me.

I knew Alexander was deluded and unstable, he would have to be to lie to everyone for weeks on end, time and time again. He's the kind of Noxian who doesn't just survive, he's the kind that likes the bloodshed, the pain and treachery. There's no reasoning with someone like him.

But this was never about reasoning with him.

I woke up feeling hollow, and with that emptiness came the anger. All I want to do is live my life and forget what happened to me. I just want to heal, to keep moving, but whatever I do, they keep reminding me.

So now it's time I remind them how dangerous cornered prey can be, how they can fight back in the most unsuspecting of ways. It's time I remind them what happens when you keep pushing someone until they decide to push back.

I'm not going to win this duel, but I'm going to make sure Alexander doesn't leave this ring before he knows I've hurt him where it hurts most.

I let out some of my panicked laughter, shaking my head in disbelief at him, doing my best to continue my deceit.

My laughter slowly fades away to chuckling, and I see Alexander's looking at me curiously. The crowd around us remains silent, an uncomfortable stillness in the air. I throw my hands to either side, shaking my head.

"What do you want from me, Alexander?" I ask with a shrug. "I can't bargain with a psychopath, so just tell me what you want."

"I want you to know your place."

I don't see him move, but I certainly feel the pain of his fist slamming into my belly, right where I was stabbed two days ago. A wave of nausea mixed with pain rolls up my gut, and I struggle not to vomit. A fist slams into my jaw, spinning me around as fine wires of agony scream in the bones of my face.

I stumble back from him into the invisible wall, slouching against it. I brace myself for more pain, tightening my muscles, but the blows never come. I gasp in choked air, trying to desperately regain my breath.

"You preach your righteousness," Alexander says disapprovingly, walking to me slowly. "You disgusting wretch. Do you know how much time I've wasted on your pathetic life already?"

He jumps, slamming down an elbow at my head, but I manage to throw my arms up in time and catch it on my forearms. The force still drives me closer to the ground, and my knees buckle, almost giving out completely. I can already feel exhaustion sweeping over me, my muscles screaming in pain from what little effort I've already put in.

"You're nothing but an obstacle," he says casually, kicking at me. "You try to play innocent, but yet you still fight to see me fail so you can succeed! How is that any different from me?"

I turn, taking the kick on the side of my body, and I stumble away, putting most of my weight against the barrier to keep myself from falling. Sweat coats my brow, and my breaths come out raggedly, burning against my dry throat. I don't know how much more I can take, but Alexander seems to have stopped a few feet away, his gaze level and even.

"Don't pretend you're the hero," he laughs. "This isn't about right or wrong. This is about power, and I'm not about to give up just because a filthy cur like you decided they deserved it more than me."

I look up at him slowly, licking my lips before I speak.

"I get it now," I whisper. "You really are evil, aren't you? You lie, scheme, and hurt people not because you have to, but because you enjoy it."

"So what?" Alexander shrugs, grinning. "At least I'm not a monster."

My heartbeat keeps racing, but it feels like it's doing nothing. My chest and throat are tight, and I have to suck in each breath. I can feel my face heating up, anger flaring up inside me.

"That's right," Alexander says, nodding at me. "I know what those symbols on your back mean. For someone who supposedly is good, it's awfully interesting you have a voidborn mask burned onto you. Why, I wonder what that could mean?"

"It means people like you will find any reason to hate people like me," I snarl.

"And what kind of people are you exactly?" he raises an eyebrow.

"People who actually care enough to do the right thing. "

He rolls his eyes, giving an impatient sigh.

"Why do you keep fighting this? You have to know you're going to lose, right? So why do you even bother? You obviously have experience in giving up if you can't even keep your own body unscathed, so why are you so insistent on fighting me?"

My vision turns red, and everything disappears except for the hatred as sharp as steel inside my heart. I can feel it consuming my thoughts, burning away my exhaustion and sharpening my pain into wires across my muscles. My senses seem suddenly sharper, and I stare at Alexander with all my seething rage.

He just made a big mistake.

And now the tables turn. It was going to happen anyway, but his words just now made it easier. Now it won't be a problem enduring what's about to happen. Those words will just echo in my mind, and I'll do what needs to be done.

"You call this fighting?" I shout loud enough for everyone to hear, giving in to the fullness of my anger. "I'm not even fighting back, and you still haven't beat me!"

Alexander's eyes widen, and for the first time I see actual anger building inside. He looks around, and I see a few Noxian soldiers shaking their heads, looking down at us in disgust. Others snicker and point at him, faint words full of mockery reaching us.

"It's been minutes!" I roar, holding my hands up in the air, wincing as my belly cried aches. "And I've done nothing but talk! I haven't even fought back! You're an embarrassment to Noxians!"

A few laughs echo out from the crowd mixed with jeers, and I feel the spectators turning on Alexander, shouting agreements. Alexander's head snaps at them in surprise, and I smile.

I'm hurting his reputation and honor, the only two things that really matter to him. If he wants to hurt me, that's fine, but I'm going to embarrass and destroy every ounce of respect people might have had for him. I'm going to turn him into a fool in everyone's eyes, and I couldn't have picked a better day to do it, the day more soldiers have shown up than ever before.

"You want to show me my place?" I laugh, shaking my head as I push him further. "How do you plan on doing that when you can't even beat me when all I do is defend? I'm not even trying and you're still failing!"

His fists shake, and I give him my best cocky grin. The best part is that even if he has figured out what my plan is, it's too late to stop me. Literally the only thing he can do to save face now is to beat me as quickly as possible, and every second I remain standing is another second of humiliation for him.

This is my revenge. I can't hurt him physically, and he's already outsmarted me mentally, but socially… he thought isolating me was enough, but he didn't realize that I'm used to being alone. Reputation means nothing to me, not from the eyes of Noxians, so I don't mind playing the part of the hated Ionian, not if it embarrasses him.

"I thought you were supposed to be strong," I mock, giving the crowd a disappointed look. "But you can't even beat a frail little girl like me!"

"You stupid boy, take her out already!" a voice shouts.

"She's playing you like a fiddle!" another adds in.

"How could you let her trick you like that?" one chides ironically considering most of the crowd also were enthralled by my speech a few moments ago.

The shouts get louder, and I turn to Alexander, shaking my head sadly. I turn in time to see him flying at me, his face scarlet and eyes wide with violence. He punches at me, and I somehow manage to slap it mostly off to the side. He doesn't stop, though, and the single punch turns into a flurry of jabs that stab at my head and stomach.

I don't manage to block them all. Void, I don't even manage to block half of them. The punches slam into my arms, face, and belly so fast that I only feel a solid wall of pain, my arms moving to defend myself more on instinct than anything else. I lose my breath more times than I can count, choking from the force of the blows. I begin to waver, slowly letting more attacks through.

He notices me staggering under the blows and spins a kick at my head. I try to move my arms to block it, but my arms are stiff and heavy, barely staying raised in their current position as they throb and ache. The kick hits me hard, jerking me into a stumbling twirl, my vision blurring until I end up facing the same position I started in. Something hard piledrives into my stomach with enough force to lift me off the ground, and I gasp out a fine mist of blood and spittle.

I fall back to my feet when Alexander retracts his punch, stepping away. My legs give out beneath me, and I fall to one knee, throwing a hand out to the ground. I somehow manage to remain mostly upright, resting in a crouched position on my left knee and hand, gasping for air. Stray strands of hair hang over my eyes, wet with sweat, but I can still see through them somehow, looking at Alexander with as much defiance as I can muster.

My whole body shakes, a giant aching mass of bruised muscle and flesh, my exhausted and overworked organs spasming as they try to keep up. All I can feel is pain and tiredness, the kind that seeps into every cell and makes you want to just fall asleep where you are. My vision flickers, threatening to fade.

"...let this happen…keep your own body unscathed..."

Those words and more, the thousands I've heard whispered and the thoughts that might have well been, they echo in my head, feeding my resolve. My anger rekindles, and I blink through the pain and exhaustion, staring right into Alexander's eyes.

He looks wild, face flushed with anger. He breathes heavily, sweat coating his brow. His fists still shake slightly, and I give him my best smile, one with crimson stained teeth.

"Just give up!" he seethes. "Get on your knees and surrender, and maybe you leave here without any broken bones!"

I begin to speak, but then I'm wracked with a series of coughs. I pull my hand away from my mouth and it comes back with a thousand red dots plastered on it. I wince, forcing myself to build up my strength. Then, slowly, I push myself up, staggering until I stand on my shuddering legs. Then I whisper, my words quiet but powerful, ringing clearly through the air.

"I will not bow..."

I've given in long enough. That ends now.

"Then fall!" he shouts, baring his teeth.

He kicks at me, but I manage to block most of it with my numb arms, stumbling backwards into the barrier once again. He moves in, never giving me a chance to recover. He starts throwing close range punches at my head, putting all his weight into them. I cover my head the best I can with my arms, and the hits barely register on them as I'm knocked back and forth, the prickling numbness only growing in intensity.

A kick lands on my knee, the same one Jackson broke, and I feel it buckle. I slide my back against the wall, leaning against it now as I try to get my foot back underneath me, regaining my balance right as Alexander swings a hand into my throat, crushing my windpipe.

I slide lower against the wall as I try to breathe in air, my throat suddenly closed. I choke and cough, desperately trying to get some oxygen to my lungs. My head starts pounding, my vision growing fuzzy as I double over, barely standing.

"Fall!" he hisses.

I take in a ragged gasp, slowly looking up at him.

"I will not fall..."

I can't fall any further than I already have. Didn't you see my burned wings?

He screams, giving into his rage as he punches me over and over again. I'm slowly forced to slide further and further down the wall as he throws more weight into each punch, occasionally alternating to hit me in my unprotected stomach. They land like hammer blows, driving me down to the ground until I'm curled up, his relentless assaults pounding into me over and over again.

"Just break already!" He shouts in between gasps.

It takes him a long time to finally run out of steam, and I almost black out, barely keeping myself awake off of the smoldering anger inside. The words keep echoing, just like the throbs of pain, and each brings another reason for me to keep fighting a little longer.

I slowly uncurl from my ball, looking up at Alexander bleary eyes.

"I will not break..."

You can't break what's already broken.

His eyes flash, and he lifts his foot to stomp down on my head. I try to curl back up again, but my arms are no longer responding, their sluggish movements nowhere near fast enough. I squeeze my eyes shut, preparing to have my skull crushed against the barrier keeping me up.

"Stop!" A voice orders, and the blow never comes.

I manage to wrench my eyes open again, still almost falling unconscious, but I'm rewarded with the sight of Sadon and Dumont standing near us. Alexander looks at them, sweaty and red faced with embarrassment, shaking his head slowly.

"No!" Alexander growls. "You can't end the duel here! I'm obviously winning! You can't-"

"You would kill her if the duel continued," Dumont interjects gruffly. "And this has already taken enough time."

"Face it," Sadon adds in disgust. "She outplayed you. Be a man and accept the tie."

Fury, raw and vicious enters into Alexander, making him quiver as he tries to restrain himself. He stands there like that for a few moments before letting out a snarl, turning and walking away quickly.

"Fine," Alexander spits. "She can keep her point. I'll just take it from her later."

And just like that, I beat Alexander.

I can't help but smile, slowly rolling onto my stomach and trying to stand. I barely manage to do it, leaving the arena in slow, sluggish footsteps, each one threatening to send me back to the ground. When I get to edge, Seth is there offering a hand, his face a mixture of emotions.

I look at him for a second, and then I shake my head, getting down on my own and walking over to sit down somewhat close to my classmates, breathing heavily.

I did it. I can't believe I did it. Getting beat up was never so rewarding, but seeing Alexander lose his reputation as a mastermind was completely worth it. In one match, I proved he couldn't beat me. He may have tricked me, but he can never beat me, and now everyone knows it.

Just like everyone knows my secret.

I shiver, letting my eyes close halfway as the rest of the duels continue. Sadon invites more duels, and I wait and watch. Then something unexpected happens.

Seth challenges Jackson. More than that, he wins. He fights like a whirlwind, a demon dodging Jackson's moves with an unnatural ease. Seth fights with a vicious strength, piercing through Jackson's dominant endurance. His attacks always seem to find Jackson's openings, none of them doing anything drastic, but they build slowly over time until Jackson finally falls to one knee, surrendering with a respectful bow of his head.

For a second, I see Seth hesitate. I see the thirst for blood in his eyes, his teeth bright and sharp. His raised fist trembles, threatening to knock the teeth from Jackson's unprotected head, but he slowly lowers his arm, pulling away and ending the match.

He's probably trying to convince me he's on my side, that I can trust him, but-

Seth gets back to my classmates, giving a serious nod to Xander. Xander nods back, and I notice him bouncing on his toes, his eyes fierce. His breathing picks up, and I can literally see him psyching himself up. The second Sadon opens up more challenges, Xander steps forward.

"I challenge Cody," Xander says, staring wide-eyed daggers at him.

Cody blinks, accepting with a wolfish grin.

The match doesn't go his way. I watch, my heart lurching as Xander takes hit after hit from Cody, but no matter what happens, Xander keeps fighting back, pouring all his energy into offense. Cody seems to hesitate in surprise for a moment, and Xander takes advantage to hit him in the jaw. Cody spins away, dazed and confused, and Xander pushes forward, hitting him over and over again.

Sadon has to all pull Xander off Cody's twitching form, ending the match. Both are bloody, but instead of looking exhausted and beaten like Cody, Xander is wild with energy, sweat smearing the blood and plastering his white hair flat.

Two minutes later, Devon challenges Edward, continuing the onslaught from the people I used to call my allies. Edward seems prepared, fighting strategically and carefully, analyzing every move from Devon with grim determination.

It doesn't save him, and I see for the first time someone get straightt up outplayed, Devon fighting with lazy grace that takes dueling to a whole new level. Time and time again, Edward loses each skirmish, finally falling when Devon whips a roundhouse kick into his head, knocking him out.

And then my breath catches as Molly faces Elizabeth.

At first, it's a fairly even fight. Molly uses her usual defensive technique, lashing out with lightning counterstrikes in the same place. Elizabeth adapts, taking more risks with her attacks as she begins to realize Molly won't take any more advantage than she already does. Molly starts to falter, falling slightly after a particularly brutal blow...

...Which lowers her stance under Elizabeth's guard, and she punches with both fists into Elizabeth's stomach with a shout. The hits land heavy, and Elizabeth bends over, face curling with nausea and pain. Molly moves from her crouch, jumping upward with a knee right into Elizabeth's face, snapping her head backward violently.

She crumples like a ragdoll, and the final duel is over.

As Elizabeth walks back, she glances over at me, and I see flickers of regret and hope mixed in her face. Our eyes meet briefly and…

...and I give her a nod, fierce pride filling my weak limbs as I accept their gesture.

They had no reason to do that for me. More than that, they had everything to lose, and yet they still won. They got revenge for me, not because I asked, but because it was justified.

My throat catches, and I look away as tears fill my eyes.

I want to be able to trust them so badly, but I can't. I just… can't.

I swallow the otionsemotions, getting up and moving with my classmates to the next arena.

We end up in the training room, the one where my magic was pitted against everyone else's so long ago. A crystal orb floats in the center of the room, suspended by some unseen force. We follow Dumont to it, Sadon leaving us with a nod to the headmaster.

"We will now commence our first magic duels," Dumont says, his deep voice echoing in the room. "The format is simple: this floating orb responds to one's willpower. Each will stand ten paces away and on opposite sides of the orb. When I drop my hand, your willpower will push the orb, and the winner will be whoever pushes it to the wall behind the other person. Concentrate on the orb as if you are using a spell, and it will work just the same. So, let us begin."

"I challenge the strongest one of you," I whisper, barely standing. "The one who is best at magic."

They look at each other, bloody and bruised, and then Elizabeth steps forward. I glance over her, moving past the orb to take my spot. Elizabeth takes a wide stance across from me, holding out a hand, concentration creating furrows in her brow. Dumont ushers everyone out of the way, facing us with a serious face.

He raises his hand, and I open my senses, directing myself at the orb.

I can already feel Elizabeth's will pushing the orb, her concentration strong. Dumont's keeps it still as stone, but I can sense a careful amount of discipline behind his, like he's prepared for sudden fluctuations in power. I remain still, shivering and wrapping my arms around myself. I lower my head a little bit, staring blankly at the orb between black strands of hair.

I see Dumont give a look at me, but I ignore it, still putting no will forth at the orb. He sighs, shaking his head.

"I've put up barriers on the walls that will slow down the orb," Dumont says. "So don't be afraid to use all your will. I do suggest getting out of the way if it comes towards you, though. Begin the moment my hand hits my leg. Now, get ready…"

Dumont's hand stays steady in the air, andand I can feel a few flickers of emotion coming from Elizabeth, manifesting as small spikes of power against the orb. I hold myself steady, exerting no will whatsoever, watching Dumont's hand.

It falls, coming rapidly to his leg in the span of a second, but that's all I need.

A second is more than enough time to remember, to feel what's been done to me. My back prickles oddly, a focused effort from me usually stops me from feeling it, but I let myself now. I let myself feel it, and I remember everything.

I could use any or even all my emotions, but I just choose one, the strongest one. I let my pain flow through me, and I snap it at the orb just as Dumont's hand hits his leg. Everything happens in what seems like slow motion to me, my adrenaline and focused will letting me see every detail of what happens next.

My will collides with the orb just as Dumont's will disappears, an invisible force powerful enough that the air between me and the orb ripples with sudden intensity. The glass orb slightly jitters my way before my power reaches it, and then…

A crater forms in the side where my power punches into it, sending a spiderweb of cracks into the orb. It blurs away, rocketing away from me and towards Elizabeth. The orb flies just past her head, almost taking it off as it shoots into the wall a few feet behind her. A iridescent light flares into existence, sparking and disappearing with a hideous screech a half-second after the orb pushes into it, going straight through the spell and into the wall, the orb shattering into a fine mist of glass dust and powder.

The dust and powder explode from the wall, quickly filling the air above us, falling down gently between Elizabeth and I. The air sparkles, tiny sounds of falling glass echoing through the room as I glare at her through my hair, my face more grim than angry. Glitters of light refract off the bigger pieces, sending violet and ink black reflections of my aura across the room.

"You can beat me," I whisper, never breaking eye contact with Elizabeth. "But you can never break me. I showed that with Seth, and know you've seen why. I don't fight with anger or hate, I just use my pain. So if you want to keep hurting me, fine. Just remember, there will be a price, and it will make me stronger."

I turn on my heel, walking away and sitting against one of the walls. I see Elizabeth's legs trembling as I turn, and I fight a smirk curdled with revulsion. I rest my head against the wall, closing my eyes.

The rest of the duels take a while, especially because it takes Dumont a dozen or so minutes to get a new orb. The air is thick with tension while he's gone, and it takes all I have to keep my eyes closed amongst my pattering heartbeat. When he finally does come back, I realize why I'm so nervous.

"I challenge Alex," Seth says.

"I accept."

"You don't have to do this!" I snap, standing up suddenly.

My hurt and stomach lurch, surprise filling me. Seth looks at me, giving an oblong smile.

"No," Seth nods. "I don't."

I stand helplessly as they prepare for the duel, a storm raging inside me. I don't understand. Why am I so upset? Seth isn't on my side, he's just more competition. So what if he gets hurt helping me? Why does that thought make my stomach hurt so much?

I look up just as Dumont's hand drops, and the duel begins.

It's quick, brutal, and dirty. Seth lashes out with his emotion and anger, actually shouting as he thrusts a hand at the orb. Alexander uses his will more precisely, angling it in different directions to send the ball spinning off to the sides countless times as Seth's focused blasts of concentration ricochet off the orb. It dances in the air for awhile, getting closer and closer to Seth.

And then Seth lets out a cry, one filled with a pain, one that I thought no one but myself could scream. It trembles across my bones, eerily familiar to the ones I've let loose a few times before like I did in the church, a cry of desperation and finality that only the tortured can sing.

Instead of a concentrated blast of power, a solid, expanding wall of force emits from Seth. Alexander's controlled movements of the ball do nothing to stop it as a solid blast of will hits it from all sides, sending it soaring against the wall behind Alexander, stopping with an almost inaudible thump against the invisible barrier.

Alexander narrows his eyes, but then gives a shrug, walking away like he isn't bothered. Seth keeps a fierce smile on, walking confidently back to my classmates and nodding to Xander, who just nods back simply.

And just like that, my frien…classmates… challenge the Noxians one by one, each somehow winning their duel. Molly beats Edward by sending the ball through loops and turns that bypass his unsteady concentration, Xander beats Cody in a sheer showdown that ends when Xander forces the orb to dip suddenly, rocketing between Cody's wide-planted legs, Devon beats Jackson with some sort of trick, the orb jittering between them before it simply slides towards Jackson and into the wall behind him with a slow and measured pace, like his will wasn't even affecting it.

Again, a solid sweep against the nobles. They appear shaken, but still fierce in spite of their defeats. Cody seems especially so, his yellow eyes flashing as he twitches with anger, murmuring fragmented words beneath his breath. I focus my eyes on him, staring until he notices, and when he does, his face curls in rage, fists clenching hard enough to make his arms shake.

I give him my best smirk, and then slide my gaze away, dismissing him. I can feel him boiling behind me as we walk into the next room, the one with the wooden recliners and buckets. Fairfax is waiting, and I purposefully go and sit in one of them, speaking before he can.

"I challenge Cody," I say, closing my eyes and pulling together my spell before I can get a response.

I hear a stomping sound as someone sits across from me. I relax in the chair, my body's strained muscles letting out relieved groans as I can finally lay down. The exhaustion is still there, lurking at the edges and slowly spreading now that my eyes are closed and I'm laying down, but that's okay. The spell doesn't take that much energy, and this fight won't last long.

After I create my shell with meticulous care, I throw myself into it. One intense feeling of falling later, and I find myself standing in the grassy clearing, facing Cody. He wears dark leathers and has daggers all over him, two particularly vicious ones in each hand. I, meanwhile, stand in just my school uniform, not even having my sword.

"Start the countdown!" I shout in the air, facing Cody.

He snarls, hands gripping tighter around the daggers, and I swallow as I hear Dumont's disembodied voice start counting down. A mixture of hunger and hate turn his eyes orange, and I can see the glee in his shaking blades that he finally is able to face me.

Fear. It's interesting how intense it can be, how it can make my whole core shudder in dreadful anticipation. I may have gone too far, but it has to be done. If I win this fight, I at least buy myself some time to heal while they reconsider how to beat me. I win against the person I've been to scared to fight, who I've declined to fight time and time again to stay away from his blind hatred, and I've beaten the last person I need to to make my point.

Still, hesitation swirls inside me as I stare forward at him, hands pocketed in my blazer to hide their shaking. I can do this. I have to do this.

Besides, I need to pay him back for attempting to murder me in the forest.

That doesn't make my hands stop shaking, but it certainly changes why. I build on that, the count down getting lower and lower.

"You made a mistake this time," Cody laughs, twirling his knives with an elegant cruelty. "Challenging me was a mistake. Now they get to see how weak you really are."

"Three."

"Maybe," I shrug. "But I wanted to have a rematch after the woods."

"Two."

"Hah! So that's why you don't have your normal equipment!"

"One."

"Don't expect me to go easy on you," Cody continues, licking his lips. "You're pride's going to kill you today!"

I almost laugh at the irony of that statement, but a voice interrupts me before I can.

"Begin!"

Cody dashes at me, his feet kicking up dirt and grass with vicious intensity. I pull my hands from my pocket stepping backward with my right leg slightly bent as he gets within range. He lunges with the dagger on my left, his other sticking close to his body, ready to stab the moment I slap the other away.

That's not what I do though. Instead, I push my left hand forward into the outstretched blade, clenching my teeth as I prepare for the pain.

The wickedly sharp dagger plunges through my palm, traveling until the hilt stops it from going any further, the entire length of the blade now sticking from my hand. I bite back a scream as lightning shoots up my arm, my hand sending sharp, jagged screeches with each twist and spasm. Blood doesn't exactly explode from my hand so much as it just starts weakly spilling out after an initial spray of scarlet mist that lands on my cheek.

I force my arm to keep pushing though, and his arm bends backwards as his momentum carries the rest of his body closer to mine. His eyes are wide with confusion, and I take advantage to grab his other hand with my right, pulling and twisting him into a throw with my body's weight. I follow as he loses his footing from the sudden pull, falling to the ground with me on top of of him, my hand still impaled on his right dagger.

My vision explodes as the cold steel digs and jostles in my hand, and I can feel a horrific scraping sensation as my bones grind against the blade, stopping it from opening the wound too much further. I fight through the haze, my pounding heartbeat and gasping breath suddenly loud in my ears, and I make sure to land so the lower half of his right arm lands at a right angle with his bicep, bending his wrist forward so that as long as I keep my weight and pressure on my left hand he won't be able to wrench it free.

We fall exactly as I wanted, so that I'm in a crouch over him, slightly tilted to my left with my lowered knee to keep my bent arm pushing my hand into his dagger. My right leg is slightly raised, giving me leverage on both his hands, and I grab his left wrist with my left hand, halting it as he tries to press it up into me.

He struggles, trying to pull the knife in my hand free. I can feel the flesh being torn, cut, and pinched, but I override the torture with sheer force of will, forcing myself to think of the past few days.

"You're just another Ionian coward…"

My right hand wrenches at his wrist, twisting it so it's pointed towards him now.

"...too weak to stand on your own…"

I lift his hand slightly so the dagger point hovers above his face, letting out animalistic growls.

"...but too proud to bow down…"

"Do you remember?" I snarl, spit coming from my all but frothing mouth. "How slowly you stabbed me that night?"

His eyes widen like targets, sending a shiver down my spine, along my mark.

"...I can see it plain as day…"

The shiver turns into a burning, and any sympathy and horror disappears with it too.

"...and now…"

I press with my weight, slowly drawing the dagger point closer to his eye. He lets out something half like a scream and half like a snarl, redoubling his efforts. More electric pain follows, but it only drives the blade closer and closer.

"...everyone else can too."

Maybe everyone can, but I wonder how easy it is to see with only one eye.

I press down, stabbing into his eye. I watch as the milky sphere splits open, red spilling out, and I have to close my own eyes, as I continue pushing, keeping the pace as slow and steady as I can.

He screams and slaps and fights me, just like I did in the forest.

I feel revolted and disgusted even though I keep reminding myself this isn't real, that he'll be fine, but that doesn't help much. He's experiencing the same thing I did, but to his eye. Not only that, but I'm going to press the blade all the way through, into his brain. I'm going to make him suffer and then make it feel like he just died.

But what else am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get through to him?

I squeeze my eyes tighter and tighter as I push down until his resistance disappears, the blade sinking to the hilt. I keep my head lowered to hide the thin tear streaks on my face, returning to my actual body without opening my eyes.

It's jolting enough that I almost puke the second my eyes snap open, but I force myself not to, slowly standing up.

Cody lies a few feet away on the ground, twitching slightly and holding a hand over his left eye. He body jerks and trembles randomly, and I force myself to look at him. His mouth opens, and he lets out a whining chuckle that turns into a full blown empty laugh.

"I knew it," he stutters. "I knew… Ionians… but that… Noxian?"

He trails off as he seem to realize where he is, and he slowly lowers his hand away, blinking at it. He looks around confused, and then he almost jumps back in fear when he sees me. His lip trembles, trying to decide between cursing at me and remaining quiet.

I don't give him time to choose.

"This is me!" I shout, my voice wavering and cracking. "The monster you created! So next time you try to kill me, you had better make sure I die because I won't be as forgiving as I was this time!"

And with that, I turn my back on them and sit against the wall, crossing my arms in a silent challenge. I get no response but a few sidelong glances from the nobles. The others look at me with expressions hard to read, that is, everyone except for Seth. He has a sad but understanding look on his face, giving a silent nod at me.

"I challenge Alex," Seth says, turning away from me.

The duels continue, my allies each challenging the nobles again. It doesn't go as well as the other duels. Seth and Devon only manage to stalemate against Alex and Jackson respectively, Xander loses to Edward by almost nothing, and Molly manages to attain the only win of the group against Elizabeth.

Still, I get the message. I get it loud and clear, but it doesn't stop me from leaving as soon as the last duel ends, heading back to my room. I'm covered in sweat and blood, and I take a quick shower, putting on my school uniform once I finish. I manage to dress myself much faster than yesterday, even pulling on my leggings. I leave with brisk steps, keeping my gaze lowered.

I still see Seth waiting for me by my door, hair wet from a shower of his own. He also wears our academy's uniform, and he has a serious expression on his face. I do my best to avoid catching his eyes with mine, turning from him and facing the door, putting my hand on the handle to quickly pull it open.

"I get it," Seth says softly, so softly that my heart lurches in my throat. "I get that you can't trust us, not even after today, but… no one deserves to be alone, Aria. Especially not you."

"Why do you care so much about me?" I ask, the words suddenly leaving my mouth as I turn to face him..

He looks at me in surprise, but I do my best to roll with it. I shouldn't be so direct, but subterfuge has gotten me nowhere good. I'm tired of walking through this with a fake smile. It's not like I can tell if people are lying to me when I am subtle, anyway, so I might as well try.

"I…" Seth trails off, eyes flickering quickly, slowly trailing off.

I stop, waiting for him to finish. He takes in a deep breath, opening his eyes and staring into my gaze.

"Let's talk somewhere more private," Seth says, heading down the hall.

I don't know why, but I follow him, walking behind him as we enter the classroom, empty and dimly lit by the magic lanterns. He closes the door behind me, stepping away with his back towards me. He stays like that for a moment, and I can see the tension build in him until he finally turns around, his eyes misty.

"My entire family died for what they believe in," Seth says, somehow steadily. "They believed in something better, something that was worth dying for. For the longest time, I…"

He swallows, taking in a choking breath before he continues.

"I was taken in, adopted by the same person who killed my parents so I wouldn't have to," Seth shrugs, pocketing his hands, eyes downcast. "For a long time, I blamed the Ionians. I told myself that if they hadn't been so weak, if my parents didn't have to protect them… I convinced myself Ionians were the reason they died."

His next breath catches a few times, and he has to clear his throat before he continues.

"My guardian was in a position of some importance," he coughs, resuming with a clear voice. "Every day he came home, I had him train me so I would be able to fight. Every time he fought with me, he would tell me stories about this… this person. I thought it was some old tale, a Noxian legend about a hero of old. At least, I thought that at first."

Seth looks away.

"He told me stories about a girl around my age who had to do things, uroustorturous things, to survive… who had to watch the people she loved suffer for her. He told me how she learned how to talk politics and outsmart people, how she spent most of her time helping others instead of herself. He told me about her eyes, and how tired they were every time he saw her, even though she tried to always fake a smile."

I look down at the floor as Seth struggles to continue.

"It took me awhile to figure out he wasn't talkingt about a Noxian. He would ask me if the people who were making her suffer were evil, and I always said yes. He would tell me about their schemes, how they would threaten her and hurt her for no reason, and I grew angrier and angrier. Then he finally told me it was an Ionian, and the people responsible were Noxians. At first I was enraged, but then… then I realized it wasn't the Ionians who were responsible for killing my parents."

His fists clench tight.

"Noxians, Ionians, Demacians, we're all the same," Seth whispers hoarsely. "We're all capable of evil. The only difference is that Noxus encourages it, to make people colder, stronger. They want us to be killing tools, and one of those killing tools is the one that betrayed my parents. He betrayed my parents just for a little prestige."

He looks up at me, eyes serious, and he seems to hesitate for a second before he continues. When he does, his words are strong, and they hit with the weight of the world.

"My parents died for what they believed in," he murmurs. "And they believed everyone deserved to live. So how could I possibly stand by while Noxus creates more and more weapons to destroy that belief? To slaughter innocent and deserving alike? One Noxian took everything from me. That's how effective, how dangerous Noxus is. And when it came to my parents… how could I possibly make my father proud, or make my mother smile if I just sat by and did nothing while others suffered?"

My heart pounds, sending aching echoes through me. I can feel the tears building up inside me, the empathy yearning to let myself feel for him because I understand, because our stories aren't that different. But I can't… how can I after everything…

"I didn't realize it then," Seth interrupts my thoughts. "But I was so enthralled with that girl's story because I wanted to be able to help others like her. She went through so much more, and she still was fighting to help others. I know I couldn't save my parents, but if I can just save one person my life will be worth-"

He chokes, coughing a few times, his breathing heavy, and I see him forcing himself to continue.

"And that's why you can trust me," Seth says, wincing. "Because I'm breaking a promise right now just by telling you that I would never betray the person who gave my life meaning again."

My heart stops along with what seems like time itself.

"Captain Fairfax's stories weren't just stories, and that girl wasn't just any Ionian."

Thoughts, emotions, senses, they all swirl into a jumble, as I mumble incoherently, squinting, like I can somehow peer through this into the truth. I turn away from him, walking along one of the many aisles of the room, my hands on my head. I close my eyes, focusing.

Put the pieces together, Aria. Come on, you can do this.

Fairfax used to be part of an elite unit, and he ended up having to execute Seth's parents to spare him from having to do it. Then he came back and adopted Seth later, taking him in and teaching him skills. He saw how distraught and angry Seth was and told him stories about working with me to help him figure out who he was really mad at. So…

Seth is Fairfax's adopted son.

"If you were dumb enough to lie," I say, more stunned than anything else. "You know I'm going to ask Fairfax if this is true."

"He said you used to joke with him about naming your shop Sakura Smiths," Seth says quietly. "But you couldn't because Noxus wouldn't like the Ionian name."

I turn to face him, choking down my emotions.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I ask, frustrated. "If I had known from the start that you were Fairfax's ward…"

"He told me you wouldn't trust either of us then," Seth shrugs. "He said you would have thought he was using you to help secure my spot as a summoner. He wanted both of us to be able to get there on our own merits. He thought if you even felt slightly obligated-"

"I wouldn't have trusted him," I finish with a exasperated sigh.

"I wanted to tell you-"

"No," I say with a wave of my hand. "He was right. After… I wouldn't have trusted him. Not after…"

I trail off, wincing and fighting the urge to itch my back. Seth walks up to me, looking down at me.

"None of that matters now," Seth says. "Because now you know the truth. I want to help people, Aria, I do. If the fact that Fairfax raised me isn't enough, then just look at everything I've done here. Even if it meant turning myself into the apparent villain, I've been trying to keep you here because nobody deserves this more than you do."

My lip wobbles as I feel a wall inside me break, relief and pure, screaming sadness washing over me. It takes me a second to realize that I do trust him, even more than Fairfax, maybe. Fairfax has only ever tried to protect me, but Seth… he's taken pain and hate, sometimes even from me, and he still has tried to stay by my side. Even his failure against seeing through Alexander isn't something I can blame him for. How could I when I was tricked too, and I wasn't even dealing with the complicated personal problems he was? When I wasn't even playing the same social game?

I look up at him, nodding a few times as I work up the courage to utter words I haven't uttered in a long time to anyone, let alone a Noxian.

"I trust you."

The tension in him seems to just disappear, a relieved smile coming over his face. I can't help but smile back, guilt, shame, and regret mixing inside of me. He was the one person I should have trusted, and yet, somehow, he was the hardest.

"Thank you, Aria," Seth says, reaching out to grab my shoulder reassuringly. "I know this can't have been easy for-"

He breaks off when I step back from his reach. He blinks, and my face heats up, my throat suddenly tight.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly, not daring to look him in the eye. "I just… I can't… I don't…"

I shudder, leaning against a wall and sliding down it slowly as a wave of guilty nausea hits me. I try to steady my shaking breath, sitting against the wall, putting together some sort of sentence that will get me out of this mess.

Seth walks over, crouching down next to me, his face so empathetic. It reminds me of Akira's when he would just listen to me. It's one of those genuine looks that nobody can fake, the kind that just says everything's going to be alright.

"If you ever want to talk about it, about what happened to you," Seth says, comfortingly. "I'm here. I don't know why, but it does help. So, even if you don't right now… I'm here. I've messed up a lot, I've made mistakes, and I've lost, maybe not as much as you have, but that doesn't mean I can't listen. So please, one of these days, let me help you."

I look up at him, my vision blurring. I'm almost hyperventilating now, biting down hard on my lower lip. I clench my fists, squeezing my eyes shut. And…

I don't know why, or how, but something inside me just gives in. After all this time, maybe it's the tiredness, I feel like someone can understand. He lost his parents, he failed with Illyria… if there's anyone who has a chance of being able to accept me after I tell him what happened, it might be him.

And that's a chance I need to take right now.

So I tell him. I tell him everything, of how I met Kyle and he saved my life. I tell him about training him, showing him around Ionia, and how Fairfax and I survived. I tell him about me doubting Kyle, not quite believing him, and then my horrified realization. My saving him in the alley, interfering with his duel against Evan, and our parting afterwards.

Seth manages to keep his face stone neutral, never saying a word except to ask a few questions or gently assure me that I can keep going. It takes me awhile, and I stop before I get to that night. Choking on my sobs, giving one last look at him.

He nods, his eyes soft, and I tell him what they did to me.

Everything else, he was able to remain emotionless, but as I talk about that night through the fits of tears, the blood drains from his face, his eyes widening and filming up. His fists clench white, and I see him begin to shake even before I finish my story.

"Afterward…" I sniff. "I, um... The rumors that went around… not showing up to school for two weeks… being found with torn clothes… what the Noxians let others assume… and… my magic…"

"How?" Seth asks hoarsely. "How can you still use it even if they sealed it? Did it not work?"

I give a wobbling smile, on the verge of absolutely breaking down, but I force myself to answer.

"They called me a monster because of what my magic did," I choke out. "And… when my mother was pregnant with me, her blood got infected with Void magic, so… I have to take medicine to stop the Void energy in my blood from eating my life force… even then it kept me frail, and using magic made my symptoms flare up even more… that is…"

"Until after," Seth whispers, and I nod.

"My magic making everything cold was a manifestation of the Void energy inside of me," I mumble. "Just like it stole my energy, so too did my magic of everything around it. But… I don't know, something went wrong with their sealing magic… maybe it was the mask part or they just did it wrong, but…"

I close my eyes.

"Afterward, my magic stopped taking the heat from everything around it, and I could use magic without any symptoms. In exchange…"

I lift my shaking hands to my face, barely able to see with my blurry vision.

"My body," I sob. "It's what has the heat taken from it. I'm as cold as a corpse, and so I don't let anyone touch me, because I'm disgusting. I hide every day, choosing clothes to conceal that thing on my back, and I never touch people, not unless I'm able to hide it somehow."

There. Everything. I told him… everything.

I curl up into a ball, hiding my face as my heart pounds in my chest, painfully pressing against my ribcage. I can't believe I just told him all of that. Why would I…. stupid, stupid, stupid. But…

How could I lie to him after everything he's done for me? Even though now he knows the truth about me… that I'm a coward, a failure, a… a monster.

"I won't blame you," I say quietly, gaining some control over myself. "If you stayed away from me."

"Why would I do that?"

I look up in surprise, eyes shining, only to see Seth looking completely confused and hurt.

"Because," I say, vaguely gesturing to my back, to myself. "I'm… a monster. I'm not normal, this… this disease is… I'm not human, my magic… I'm disgusting, Seth. I destroy everything around me, don't you see? That scar on my back is a warning. It's not some mask, it's who I am now."

Seth takes in a slow, shallow breath, his eyes growing sharper by the second. As he lets it out, I see resolve build inside of him.

"That's a load of-" he begins to say.

"It's not!" I shout, standing up now, pacing away. "Everything I touch breaks! I've done nothing good with my life! Nothing! I've manipulated and lied and-"

"Survived," he interrupts. "You've survived, Aria."

"The things I've done," I swallow. "Seth, am I really worth saving? They already broke me, and yet…"

"Aria," Seth steps closer. "I want you to listen closely to me. You aren't the only one that has made mistakes, and that doesn't mean you just deserve to be expendable. I… there's something I need to tell you before youyou say anythinga else."

I look at him. His face is still pale, an intense look on his face.

"After everything with Illyria, after she told me she never… I hated myself. I didn't think I could save anyone so… I was walking back, and it was misting, and I looked down an alley and…"

He looks at me, hoping for some understanding.

"The student you saw in the alley, the one that didn't intervene, it was me."

An actual pain shoots through me, my brain tearing itself apart. I cough, shaking my head, not believing at first, but then I start to remember more and more. The shroud in my memories clear, and I realize just how closely that student's voice and appearance resembles Seth.

I sprint out of the room, gasping for air.

How could I believe him? How could I… I trusted… I thought… why?

It's not like I haven't felt my mind shattering before, reality giving away to despair, but I can count on one hand how many times I've felt this lost. It's the kind of feeling that haunts you, always hurting more each time it's felt. I'm sure most people don't feel it more than once or twice in their life.

I'm not most people.

I walk angrily, steps wobbling across the stone floor as I head to my room, eyes blinded by tears. I hiccup, holding down low, whimpering sounds as my jaw trembles. Everything seems so surreal, so alien. Even my body doesn't feel like it's my own…

...Probably because it isn't. Not anymore.

I stumble at that thought, choked laughter threatening to turn into wailing sobs, and I have to lean myself against the wall next to my door, barely holding myself upright in the dim lantern light.

"Aria!" Seth calls, walking swiftly to me, reaching out.

I turn away.

I wait for him to say something, but he doesn't. He just stands there, quiet and patient as I look away from him, wishing he wasn't standing between me and my room. He betrayed me…

No…

I take in a breath, accepting it.

No, he didn't. He made a mistake… he didn't know it was me at the time… he was hurting…

"How can you stand me?" I huff out, turning to face him, my face wet. "All I ever do is hurt you, and you still stand by me. I can't even trust you for more than three seconds before I start misunderstanding, doubting like some… some…"

"Noxian?" he asks gently.

"Monster," I reply, biting my tongue.

"Aria, you aren't a monster," Seth says forcefully. "You're not broken or anything else like that, and you need to stop thinking that way! I don't know why you keep saying that-"

"Because it hurts!" I say, pointing to my heart. "It hurts so much, and it shouldn't! I can't get over it even though people have been through… worse than me. I…I feel so bad about myself, just because I'm disgusting and hideous now, even though some people...it just...it could have been worse, but I'm too selfish to accept that… Someone like me deserves to be alone."

Seth looks at me, thinking carefully over his words. Then, slowly, he begins to speak, talking with authority and a soothing tone that that sinks into me with each second.

"People will try to tell you that what happened to you wasn't that bad or that it could have been worse, but that's the biggest lie I've ever heard."

I look up at him, my heart catching with each word.

"How could that possibly be true when they hurt you this much? They hurt you until you reached your limit, and then they got bored, so they left. Comparing tragedies and scars is like comparing two oceans. They may technically be different, but it doesn't change the fact that both have overwhelming depth that nobody can deal with alone."

My vision blurs, chest aching.

"Aria, you've faced the worst this world has to offer, and you still keep fighting for it. I've seen less than half, and I struggle to keep on wanting to live in it... so don't listen to them. You feel what you feel, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Stop agonizing over what did or didn't happen and accept that no matter what, it still hurts… it still had the same effect as any other unthinkable thing they could of done to you because, in the end, when pain passes a certain point, it just can't be measured or compared anymore. It just… can't."

I lower my head, and I start crying. I have nowhere to go, no place to run. So I keep my head low, hair shrouding my face as my shoulders shake. It's not the dignified, soft sort of crying. It's the all out sobs and choking moans of someone truly lost.

Seth doesn't just say the right words, he says the ones I've been waiting a year for someone to tell me. It's one of those irrational things that no matter how much your family tells you, it doesn't really matter until someone else tells you the exact same thing. But the chances of that, of someone else being able to say just the right thing… it doesn't happen.

Except, it has, and something starts growing inside me, something I haven't felt in a long time.

Hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as broken as I thought, that someone out there can accept me.

"You call yourself disgusting and hideous," Seth whispers as I keep crying. "And I don't mean to overstep or be awkward, but… you aren't. You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and I'm not just talking about how you act. If you think that a scar and some cold skin is going to stop someone from accepting you, from someone loving you…"

He trails off, and I watch as his left hand enters my vision, slowly edging towards my right. I stiffen in surprise, fear and horror and whole new levels of misery start shaking me to the bone. I weep harder, trembling as his fingers slowly reach mine.

He touches my fingertips and slowly, gently, grabs my hand, pulling it slightly closer to hold in a soft embrace. It's the gentlest thing I've ever felt, like he's holding a glass bird. He's careful not to hold too tightly, the barest hint of friction keeping my hand in his. His fingers are warm, his skin rough but somehow not uncomfortable.

"...you're not beautiful in spite of your scars," Seth says, barely louder than a breath. "You're beautiful because of who you are, of what you've turned those scars into."

I don't know how long I stand there, my hand gently held in his, and I don't care. I've spent the past year fearing human contact, dreading it even. Even my brothers and mother, I stayed away from them because they would have been forced to love me. They're my family.

But now… is it really possible? Could someone really just accept me? Even though… everything?

I savor the feeling of his warmth, and I can feel the hope in his fingertips transfer into me. I didn't ever think I'd feel hope or faith again, but it's there, so powerful that it forces out my pain. I cry gently, not looking into his face but not pulling away my hand, and I wish the moment could last forever.

It can't, but maybe it's enough for now, enough to get me through tonight.

And that's all I need to combat my dread, my knowing of what I'll dream of, of what happened after.

If what Seth says really is true, then maybe….

...maybe I can tell him about what I did.

Not yet, though. I need to relive it first, to pay my pennance. Tomorrow, after the memory dream I'm sure to have tonight, I'll tell him in full detail, not leaving anything out. But not until then, not until I've payed the price.

So I hold his hand, wishing the moment could last forever, even if I don't deserve it, not yet, anyway.