The Witcher: Part XV
Walmart
Previously, on The Witcher:
It turns out an old foe was behind The Witcher fan club:
Capitalist McMoney!
And now he has sent an army of capitalist slaves to go and destroy our heroes.
How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?
Lady Feudalism came out from the basement and ran out onto the battlefield.
"What's happening?" asked Geralt as he edged away from the capitalist zombies.
"It's McMoney!" replied Lady Feudalism. And then Capitalist McMoney walked through the door.
"Hello, Witcher," he said.
"We need to get out of here," said Lady Feudalism.
"There's no escape," said McMoney. "You see, I've started a new business. It's called Walmart."
"I have several factories throughout all of Northern Rivia producing a variety of walls. And my people have just erected a massive electric fence-wall right around the forest."
"So now I'm going to sit here and watch my zombies take you apart. And with you out of my way, there will be nothing to stop me from becoming CEO of the World!"
Geralt drew his sword and pointed it at the advancing capitalist zombies. And then he began to slice at them.
"My morals don't prevent me from causing severe injury!" said Geralt, as he severely injured a whole bunch of capitalist zombies.
Out in the lobby, Ciri and Iorverth were under attack from a horde of capitalist zombies. Iorverth was slicing at them with his sword.
Ciri was sitting down on a particularly comfy chair being rather idle.
"I haven't really done all that much useful stuff on this mission," said Ciri to herself as she watched Iorverth cut down a bunch of capitalist zombies. "Maybe I should contribute."
She checked in her bag and found some packets of mustard gas. She got a couple of gas masks, put one on, and chucked the other to Iorverth. And then she detonated the mustard gas bomb things.
"Mustard gas is a pretty evil weapon to use," said Iorverth. "Geralt wouldn't approve."
"Meh," said Ciri.
They walked out into the forest.
A few moments later, Geralt and Lady Feudalism came out of one of the top windows. They jumped down to the ground, and Geralt broke their fall with magick.
"We've got to get out of here," said Geralt. So they got on their magick carpet and flew away from The Witcher Fan Club.
Bruised, bloodied, and on the ground, lay the American Geralt. He had lost both of his hands and had been severely injured by the crowd of people who had run over him.
"You failed me," said Capitalist McMoney to American Geralt. "I selected you to be Geralt and then you let him cut off your hands."
"Please don't fire me, sir," said American Geralt, whimpering.
"You're fired!" said Capitalist McMoney.
And then American Geralt exploded in a ball of fire.
We come back to the town of Cintra. The cloaked figure from last time sat, impatient, waiting for the limping man to come back with the cells.
A few hours passed.
And then finally, the limping man walked in, to a dramatic music cue.
"I have the cells," he said.
"Now I want my money."
The cloaked figure took one of the containers with the cells.
"You're such a fool," he said.
"You are a capitalist zombie. All you care about is money."
And then the cloaked figure took a cell sample up into a syringe, and stabbed it into the limping man.
The limping man's facial features changed.
He grew a moustache, and his head became more round.
He grew taller.
"Nice to see you again, Heinrich," said the cloaked figure to the new man who stood before him.
"Mein Fuhrer," said Heinrich Himmler.
He raised his arm in salute as the Königgrätzer March played.
The magick carpet was flying along.
"McMoney must have been lying about the wall," said Iorverth.
Team Witcher thought they had escaped.
Just then, they hit a massive, invisible, electric wall.
They fell to the ground, dazed.
"How do we get past this wall?" asked Lady Feudalism.
Geralt tried to magick the wall but it didn't work.
Lady Feudalism tried to magic the wall but it didn't work.
Iorverth tried to stab the wall but it didn't work.
Ciri tried punching the wall but it didn't work.
Just then, Ciri had a thought.
"This is a capitalist wall, right?"
"What happens if we throw money at it?"
She pulled 10gp out and threw it at the wall.
Suddenly, a portal to another realm appeared in the wall.
"What place is that?" asked Geralt.
They walked into the portal, which promptly closed behind them.
Inside, the world looked all messed up.
The sky was red and money of different currencies were floating up and supply and demand curves.
"I think I've heard of this dimension before."
"It's an alternate dimension," said Lady Feudalism.
"The world we live in is the world of social factors."
"This is the world of economic factors."
"In this world, economic law becomes physical law."
And then, Capitalist McMoney appeared through a portal.
He was flying.
Geralt tried to shoot magick at McMoney, but it didn't work!
"In this world, you have to buy magic and magick and magickek!" said McMoney.
"And I'm rich!"
"And now, I'm going to vaporise you all!"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
TO BE CONTINUED
IN
THE WITCHER: PART XVI
TWILIGHT