A/N: Hello! I hope you had a good Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you had a good week. I know this is VERY VERY late but I took a break for Christmas and I think you'll agree that this chapter is quite long.
I am going to write right up to when Lord Voldemort attacks Godric Hollow. This'll take a long time (perhaps) and I'll probably skip most of the fighting but yeah... I hope you'll stick with me.
Once again, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does and all credit goes to her, etc.
Thank you for the mega support, it's quite surreal! I hope you enjoy and I apologise for the dramatics - it's like a soap opera, one disaster after another.
SEVERUS' P.O.V
I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back to school. For one, I'll see Lily which not only makes me feel light-headed but also terrifies me to pieces. For another, school work will keep me busy. Being busy is always at the top of my agenda. If I'm always doing something then I can't think and process stuff. I can't get upset. It also means I sleep as soon as I hit the pillow from exhaustion and as I'm so tired, I don't have nightmares. Whilst not thinking about it is great, I'm subsequently in a state of permanent fatigue. Narcissa keeps telling me to 'relax' and 'take it easy' but I can't. She even had the nerve to suggest therapy. I get that she's concerned and all but she doesn't have to replace my mother. I can take care of myself.
I've got used to being alone. Whenever I hear Narcissa's light and easy-going laugh, I jump with surprise. It's odd to picture the world getting up and carrying on like nothing ever happened. People being happy and utterly oblivious to all the suffering and hardship around them. Sometimes I want to scream at them. Ask them if they're blind or just completely stupid. Narcissa says I need to let it go, just take a deep breath and pull myself together. It's not other people's fault there's a war coming which will turn my steadily yet rapidly decaying world into smithereens. Except it is their fault. I blame every single one of them. One way or another, they'll complicate things. If they're on the Light Side then Narcissa could die which would destroy me and if they're on the Dark Side, they might be the one who kills Lily. If either one of them died then I would not hesitate to end my own life.
Today, I'm meeting Narcissa for ice cream in Diagon Alley. It was her request and I find it very hard to say no to Narcissa. In fact, I found it very hard to say no to Lily and yet I did. I joined the Dark Side anyway and now her life is in danger. It's my fault. But sometimes to reassure myself, I say that my joining the Death Eaters didn't change Lily's fate. I'm only one measly Death Eater, what difference could I make? This offers little consolation as of late because I know that by joining the Death Eaters whilst I was still friends with Lily definitely put her on the radar. If… shut up, Severus.
Currently, all I do is replay the last few years in my head. What could I have done differently? I'm also paranoid, I see potential enemies everywhere. Especially when I'm with Narcissa. I feel the need to protect her. Not just because she's a sister to me but also because I want to protect her unborn children. No, she's not pregnant. Yet. But she really wants to have Draco and Cassiopeia and I want to make sure that happens (with Lucius, obviously). She deserves to have a family. And so do you, I hear the annoying voice in the back of my head say. No, I don't deserve anything. I find myself believing those words. As long as I have no expectations, I can never be hurt or disappointed.
I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don't notice the witch in front of me.
"Sorry," I mumble before walking around her.
"Snape!" she shrieks. I wince, it's Bellatrix. "Are you trying to be an absolute dingbat?"
"Nice to see you too, Bellatrix."
"Just watch where you're going," she snaps.
"Is Narcissa…?"
"What about her?" Bellatrix scowls, but at the mention of Narcissa, her face softens slightly.
"Is she with you?"
"What am I? Her personal bodyguard?"
"No, but you're her sister and I thought –"
"You thought I'd know where she is," Bellatrix glowers at me with distaste.
"And do you?" I say, exasperated. Conversations with Bellatrix are never straightforward.
"What's it to you?" she leers at me.
"I'm meant to be meeting her for ice cream –"
"Ice cream?" she cackles, "is that what you do in your spare time? Not much of a Death Eater are you?"
"Do you know where she is or not?" I ask, not bothering to disguise my impatience.
"Yeah, she was getting ready. She'll be here in about ten minutes," Bellatrix eyes me reproachfully, "well don't let me keep you. Go and enjoy your ice cream like a true Death Eater."
She saunters away. I roll my eyes, typical Bellatrix. I wait at the ice cream parlour for about seven minutes before Narcissa walks in. She beams at me when she sees me. I can't remember the last time anyone was so pleased to see me.
"Severus!" she leans in to hug me. Hesitantly, I hug her back.
She sits down, making a show of pushing her hair back from her shoulders. Her engagement ring glitters in the morning sun light.
"I saw your charming sister just now."
"Oh," Narcissa looks down at the menu.
"Oh? What do you mean 'oh'?"
"Nothing," she says and I feel a flash of annoyance.
"It's obviously not 'nothing'."
"Well, we had an argument. Over the wedding. She refuses to come and I can't persuade her otherwise."
"So? You're better off without her killing the mood."
She narrows her eyes at me, showing a striking resemblance to Bellatrix which makes me gulp.
"She's my sister. I need her there for support. Mother says she'll come around but I don't know. She's been so off recently. Always busy doing something for the Dark Lord, preparing for the war… you know the only time I felt like I had my sister back was when she adamantly refused that I be allowed the Dark Mark. She even persuaded the Dark Lord. She said she didn't want to lose me. I guess she was calling me weak but I felt like she cared. Is that stupid of me?"
"No. But what's this about you being allowed the Dark Mark?"
"Ah well," she looks at her hands, "I wanted to join –"
"Narcissa!" I can feel the shock evident in my eyes mirrored back in her expression, "what were you thinking?"
"This is exactly what Bella said! I'm not a child, Severus. I can make my own choices and I'm definitely not weak!" Merlin, she sounds so much like Lily.
"No, of course you're not. But, Narcissa, the Death Eaters? You do realise that if we lose the war and you're a Death Eater you have little to no chance of having a family."
She bites back a response at that. She looks ashamedly at her hands.
"I-I didn't think about it like that."
"Look, Narcissa. I know you don't need protection but you need to make it through the war. For Draco and Cassiopeia. Remember?"
She looks up at me and nods.
"You're a good friend, Severus."
I look away. I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. The thought of her joining the Death Eaters seriously bothers me. I feel like I need to protect her despite the fact that she doesn't need protecting. There's another thing Bellatrix and I have in common. It also makes me sad because I always felt the need to look out for Lily, too. Which is ridiculous because Lily is more than capable of taking care of herself.
We spend the rest of the morning with endless chatter. I can almost pretend everything is good and well in the world.
LILY'S P.O.V
FIVE DAYS AFTER THE FUNERAL
When we got back from the funeral, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. Every day it crushes me. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. An endless cycle of that thought process to stop me drifting away completely.
I was not dealing with it at all.
Right now, I'm writing in a notebook because I'm having memory difficulties. I think half the reason I went into a state of panic was because I saw my sister at the funeral. We didn't talk, obviously. We did, however, exchange troubled looks as if she was considering hugging me and we could be proper sisters again but that didn't happen. She pushed me away when I tried to hug her. That made me cry harder. We then scattered their ashes over this hill at the end of a walk we used to do as a family. That was the hardest bit. Saying goodbye didn't make me feel any better. I know Tuney blames me for their deaths. I blame myself as well.
This is strange within itself, I've heard that a lot of people receive closure after the funeral but it just made things worse for me. At the same time, I had to go. I felt like I owed it to them.
When we got back to the Potter's I ran straight up to my room and didn't come out for two days solid. In that time I didn't sleep, drink, eat or talk to anyone. I think I had a panic attack from mild shock.
When I finally did open the door (nobody wanted to use force or magic, they wanted me to do things my way), Mrs Potter nursed me back to health. When I finally did get some colour back which was quite fast, thanks to Mrs Potter's healing skills, I tried to get some sleep but I failed. Every now and then, my vision goes and I think I might be dying. But it always passes. I did refuse to eat or drink so Mrs Potter had to use some very complicated spells to make sure that I did. They couldn't make me talk to them, though. After a while, I just gave up. I went to sleep and didn't wake up for 19 hours.
Why was I reluctant to go to sleep? First of all, night terrors, second of all, I wanted to wait for James. That's part of the reason I was so distressed. James, when I resumed a calm state of mind which could process things other than pure fear and panic, was gone.
Now I'm awake, I'm in a constant state of anxiety. It's completely irrational and all in my head. I'm afraid of falling asleep but I do it anyway. The nightmares keep coming, so vividly that I start thrashing and screaming in my sleep. I can actually feel the pain. When I wake up, my cuts are bleeding. It isn't normal.
After two nights of night terrors, Mr Potter eventually decided to teach me Occlumency. I'm getting to grips with it fairly well. He seems to think something is trying to control me or possess me which I suppose should frighten me but after everything that's happened, I'm not scared. Well, not any more than I usually am. This upcoming war worries me but I'm dealing with my problems as they happen. I think the idea that something is causing this is reassuring. A reassurance that I'm not delusional.
The worst thing about all of this is that James isn't here, like I said. I yell for him all the time, apparently even when I'm asleep but he doesn't come. I keep asking Mr and Mrs Potter where he is but they don't answer. Sometimes I shout for my friends or, when I'm really distressed, I shout for my parents. Nobody ever answers. Mr and Mrs Potter probably think I'm insane. Maybe I am insane. Or maybe there's something possessing me. I'm hoping it's the latter.
REAL TIME (AS IN, THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW TO LILY)
Today is no different. I wake up in sweat and blood. I grab the wet cloth at the side of my bed and wash away the blood from the cuts. I then haul myself up and drag myself to the shower. Showers are a lot of effort so in the end, I settle for a bath. The warm water relaxes me and eases the aches and pains all over my body. I dry myself and wrap bandages over the worst of the cuts and put plasters on the smaller ones. I then get dressed and brush my hair. This routine helps. There's always something to do, I don't need to worry.
I then practice Occlumency, which is hard when I don't have Mr Potter to help me. Briefly, the pain stops and I feel a moment of triumph. Then it hits me again and I almost stumble over. I remember James and my heart momentarily stops. I need him. Being apart from him is unbearable. I start screaming again. Mrs Potter rushes into the room.
"What is it?" she asks me, cradling me like my mother used to.
"I need James," I wail into her.
"Oh Lily, he's away. You know that, with the Order."
"The Order of the Phoenix?" I ask her, remembering what Dumbledore had told me.
"Erm…" she wavers, "I'm not supposed to say, but yes."
"Then I should go too," I say, scrambling up, a newfound purpose squashing all the pain.
"No! Lily you can't! Special orders from Professor Dumbledore, you need to stay here. It wouldn't be safe. Besides, what would James think if he saw you like this?"
I take that in. Of course, James. I'd scare him half to death if he saw me like this but why should that stop me? James is more than capable of seeing me 'like this'. What's wrong with me, anyway? Nothing James can't handle, I've been worse and I've been better. I'll get through this. Then I have it, the will to live and carry on. For James. I stand up, shaking Mrs Potter off of me.
"You have to help me get better," I tell her.
"I have been, Lily. Believe me I have."
"I know you have. Thank you. But I think we're going the wrong way about it. We're treating my condition like an illness."
"Maybe you're right," she says, doubtfully, "What happened to you, Lily?"
"I don't know. The funeral made everything worse instead of better. My sister rejected me and I suppose that set it off. Then everybody was there and I just needed to let it all out but I didn't want to appear weak. Then I panicked. Then I was frozen with terror and then all my nightmares became more intense. But I'm not scared anymore, it all seems so stupid. Yeah, my parents are dead and that's never going to not be true and it's always going to make me sad but I can't stay trapped up like this. It's pathetic, selfish even. It's a complete over-reaction, especially considering that the worse is yet to come. The war I mean."
"Lily, that's very mature of you, but you should never be afraid of showing your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry. My husband suspects that what caused the sudden rush of terror and panic was a Vereor of some sort."
"What's a Vereor?"
"A Vereor is a creature which sees a victim in distress or in a vulnerable state and inhabits its brain and causes trepidation. I think perhaps you are right about your…condition not being a medical illness."
"So, will Occlumency work?"
"Yes, but the most effective way would be to destroy it."
"How do you destroy it?"
"Do the exact opposite of what it wants. It wants you to be out of control, so be calm and happy. Maybe even laugh a little. Soon, it will either be overridden by mixed messages or it will move on."
"Okay. Once it's out, will I get better?"
"Possibly. I'll do anything I can to help you Lily. I think you're half way there to recovery anyway. Not just anyone would be able to handle an irrational monster so calmly. You're strong, Lily."
"Thank you," I say meaning it.
SUNDAY 1st SEPTEMBER (TWO DAYS UNTIL SEVENTH YEAR)
I get up. I don't feel achy or tired at all. I inspect my arms. No blood anywhere. I stand in front of my mirror. There are no bags under my eyes, my skin looks healthy. I sigh with relief. I'm back to normal. I can see James and not be self-conscious. I don't feel even the slightest bit of panic or unstableness as I walk to my bathroom. I hum Queen to myself, oooh you make me live… it seems vaguely appropriate.
I have a shower deciding to make the most of my normal state. I then go downstairs. It's strange because the mansion is deadly quiet. I walk down to the kitchen. Mr Potter almost has a heart attack when he sees me.
"All right kiddo?" he asks, recovering quickly.
"Yep. I think I've perfected Occlumency."
"That's great. Do you want some toast?"
"Sure."
We make pleasant conversation until he sighs, stressed.
"You know you can't go and join them," he says, meaning my friends.
"Why not?" I demand.
"You're deemed mentally unstable."
I roll my eyes. "Do I look mentally unstable?"
"Well no –"
"Do I act like I'm mentally unstable?"
"No but –"
"Have I done anything which could be regarded as something a mentally unstable person would do?"
"No, but –"
"Am I mentally unstable?"
"No but –"
"So what's the problem?"
"The problem is that after the episode," I redden at that, "Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it to be wise to let you take part in the Order yet. After your experience with Dark Magic used for torture and your history with the Slytherin blood racists –"
I suspire, infuriated.
"Firstly, that episode was caused by a Vereor and has nothing to do with my mental condition. And don't you think my experience of Dark Magic is an advantage? I know how serious the stuff is and how to block it. And thirdly, the Slytherin 'blood racists' –"
"What do you mean, Slytherin 'blood racists'?" he mimes my emphasis on the quote with his hands.
"Well, I wouldn't call them 'blood racists'."
"What would you call them then?"
"Forgive the language, but I would call them ignorant pricks," I say matter-of-factly and he looks a little taken aback before grinning wildly. The grin looks so much like James'. I miss James so much.
"I see," he chuckles, "what were you saying about the ignorant pricks?"
"I was saying that those ignorant pricks," I smile at him, "do not in any way prevent me from doing anything. I couldn't care less about them. Yes, I'd like to get them back for making my life hell but… live and let live, I suppose."
"I'm confused, so you're not going to fight them?"
"I didn't say that! Of course I'm going to completely thrash them and do anything I can to help us win this war. What I am saying is that I don't hate them."
"You have every right to hate them."
"Perhaps," I purse my lips, "but why waste my time hating ignorant pricks when I could be hexing them?"
"Fair enough," Mr Potter concedes, "I'll see what I can do."
"There's no need," a mellow and calm voice says. My heart leaps with recognition. Professor Dumbledore. "I suspected that Miss Evans would come to this conclusion and I've provided a port key to ensure safe travel. As you know, the war has already started, well it's been brewing since the 40s but now it's a full-scale massacre."
"Professor, are we expected to go back to Hogwarts whilst the war is raging?" I ask.
"Of course, it's nothing we can't handle. Besides, you must finish your education and get all the knowledge you can."
I don't bother to argue with Professor Dumbledore, he's rarely wrong. I can't help feeling a little disgruntled. I want to fight right away, fight the Death Eaters and this so-called Dark Lord. But all my frustrations evaporate as the love of my life pokes his head around the door.
"All right Evans?" he says by way of greeting, looking sheepish.
I run up to him and fling my arms around him. I kiss him hard on the lips.
"I've missed you so much," I say, hugging him tight.
"And I've missed you. Come on, we've got to get your school supplies."
"Oh yeah…" I'd completely forgotten about that.
I smile at him and suddenly everything's alright even though it isn't.